Arrests

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

Dr. Drew, come and get this woman AGAIN! Tawny Kitaen, a graduate of Celebrity Rehab and one of the original videos ho, was arrested in Santa Ana, CA yesterday for driving under the influence.

Sgt. Shontel Sherwood (hottest officer name of the week) of the Newport Beach Police Department told the Associated Press that she was arrested at 3 in the afternoon after officers believed she was fucked up on booze or the bad shit while driving her Range Rover. Tawny was later released on $2,500 bail.

This wasn't Tawny's first time in a jail cell. Tawny was arrested back in 2006 after the po po found 15 grams of Lohan powder in her apartment.

Okay, I know the bad shit messes with your brains, but why would you get behind the wheel of a car when you're riding high? That is the quickest way to getting caught. Flag down a bus! Hitch on to the back of a truck! Ride a pot-bellied pig! TAKE A KAYAK!

Directed Roman Polanski arrived in Switzerland all ready to accept his lifetime achievement award at the Zurich Film Festival while sipping on a delicious piping hot cup of Swiss Miss (Yes, that's there official drink there). None of that shit is going to happen since bitch got arrested. And they don't serve Swiss Miss to inmates.

Swiss authorities arrested Roman at the request of the U.S. based on a warrant issued all the waaaay back in the olden times (aka 1978). Roman started running after he pleaded guilty to drugging a 13-year-old girl and having sex with her during a photo shoot at Jack Nicholson's house in 1977. Before he could be sentenced, Roman busted out of the US and has been living in France for the past ten million years.

This past July, Roman asked a California court to consider his request to throw the case out. The judge said he wouldn't even consider it if Roman didn't come to the U.S.

The victim, Samantha Geimer, has previously asked that all the charges be dropped, because everyone knowing about the details of that day causes harm to her, her husband and her children.

Roman is now being held by Swiss authorities and they are waiting on an official extradition request from the U.S.

I can't wait to see the very special episode of Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator where they nab Roman in Switzerland. Chris Hansen probably looks so adorable in lederhosen!

Shawne Merriman, the linebacker for the San Diego Chargers, was arrested early this morning after he allegedly choked and restrained Tila Tequila at his home in Poway, CA. If Shawne wanted a shot at love with Tila, this was not the way to do it.

Fox Sports says that 911 received a call from a woman claiming Shawne had choked her out and wouldn't let her leave his home on Sagecrest Drive. A police officer said, "Nguyen (That's Tila Tequila to you and me) told deputies she had been choked and physically restrained by Merriman when she attempted to leave his residence."

Shawne is currently in police custody and Tila is being treated at a nearby hospital.

Shit just got real. Tila is like the size of my nipple and Shawne looks like a giant, so he could probably choke her with his pinky. Scary shit.

Okay, okay, the fact is Tila is 4'11" and Shawne is 6'4". And just so we're clear, my nipple isn't 4'11" tall. It's probably like 4' tall at the most!

UPDATE: Tila is out of the hospital, so says TMZ. Shawne's lawyer is saying that Tila was drunk like a Wino, so he was trying to keep her from leaving his house and getting into her car.

British mother of the year (sorry, Katie Price), expert snorter, cocaine tape star and overall busted down mess, Kerry Katona, was arrested last night in Warrington after she punched her money man and threw a perfectly good cup of tea on him. I bet if there was a little codeine powder or whiskey in that cup of tea she wouldn't have been so wasteful!

The story goes that Kerry went to visit with her accountant at his office and while they were going through her accounts, she flipped the fuck out like me when my cable freezes during a very important episode of Property Virgins (true story). Kerry's accountant must have told her that all the money has somehow ended up her nose hole (or his pockets), because bitch went ballistic. The Sun says she started throwing office equipment around before she turned on her accountant. A source went on to say, "David started yelling back so she grabbed a cup of tea and threw it in his face - and punched him in the chops again for good measure."

After Kerry busted and bruised a bitch, she jumped into her car and sped out of there. A few hours later came a knocking at her door. Knock! Knock! You're arrested. Kerry was taken down to the station, quizzed (I'm speaking British!) and released. Kerry has to go back to the police station in the near future for another Q&A session.

This is just another shit nugget on Kerry's head. And yes, the shit nuggets keep coming from her own ass. Kerry is basically bankrupt. She already lost her job as spokeswhore for the supermarket chain Iceland after that video of her Lohan-ing a line of coke surfaced. Kerry's reality show on MTV was also canceled after ratings went into the toilet.

Kerry's accountant isn't a total victim. Dude went to the chokey in 2004 for fraud after investigators found £3.5 million of his clients money in his personal account.

Well, Kerry, you're broke like a Real Housewife, you've got the fever for the bad shit and you're a total shit mom..... There's only one thing to do: pack up, move to the US and get your own Vh1 reality show! Or TLC. Your pick!

Patrick Stump, the lead singer of Fall Out Boy, was busted in Beverly Hills last night, because he makes music that makes you want to angrily pluck your pubic hairs out with a pair of hot tweezers. Disturbing the peace! No, he was arrested for driving without a license.

TMZ says that Patrick paid up the $15,000 bail and was released back in the world.

The only reason I'm posting this shit is because I don't think I've ever seen Patrick without a hat on. I figured that shit was permanently stitched into his skull skin. And Patrick should be proud of himself this morning. His mug shot is a shoo-in for Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians and that's an achievement!

52-year-old Luann McKinnley was just trying to bring home the bacon when she stuffed 3 pounds of oinky deliciousness into her purse. Luann, who is (or was) an employee at Perkins restaurant in Florida, was busted after some nosy ass HATING co-worker witnessed her stealing the bacon and called the police. The police arrived and brought the bacon smuggler in.

While searching her purse at the station, officers not only found the bacon, but they also found some kind of illegal drug and contraband. Luann was charged with snatching the bacon and possession of the bad shit. She is currently marinating in a cell on $5,500 bond.

This article didn't say what kind of bad shit Luann was caught with, but just take a quick look at her face and you decide. Luanne's face is sponsored by THIS SITE. But you know, I can't really fully hate on Luann. Homegirl knows what makes up a delicious and nutritious breakfast: bacon and scrambled meth.

George Michael was arrested in Berkshire, England yesterday morning after his Land Rover angrily butt fucked a lorry (British-talk for truck) on the highway. Both George and the driver of the lorry he rear-ended were not injured. The cops dragged Georgie in, because he is George Michael which means he was probably under the influence of some kind of shit during the crash. A few hours after his arrest, George was released back into the wild without being charged.

Stupid ass George barely got his license back too. In 2007, his license was suspended for two years after he pleaded guilty to driving while high as fuck.

George and cars are fucking done professionally! They don't go together. All cars should close their key holes to George Michael. We need to get George one of those play cars, so he can sit in his driveway and just pretend he's driving. Dude can even take a hit of the bad shit while "play driving" if that's how he likes to have fun.

Maybe George is getting arrested on purpose so that he can beat Pete Doherty's record.

VIA BBC

CZJ's 30-year-old stepson got in trouble AGAIN for fucking with the bad shit. Cameron Douglas was arrested on July 28th at the Gansevoort Hotel in NYC for trying to move $18,000 worth of meth to L.A. with the intent to sell. The New York Post says that the bust was part of some undercover sting operation.

Cops found Cameron at the Gansevoort where he had been living for quite some time in a room paid for by daddy. Apparently, the place looked like the "before" pictures on Clean House and Cameron was totally strung out.

This is Cameron's third time getting arrested. In 2007, he found himself in a jail cell holding his asshole for dear life after cops found liquid cocaine and a syringe in his car. In 1999, he was caught buying coke from a dealer.

This is like Traffic: The Reality Show! Let me guess, Cameron was forced to suck on the peens of old skeezers in order to keep the bad shit coming in? And a methfaced Topher Grace was there, sitting in the corner. Hmmm...Luis Guzman should probably stay away from cars for a while.

And in a gutter somewhere, both Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan are breathing a sigh of relief, because they have one less dealer to pay. Their lucky day!

Jeffrey Donovan from USA's Burn Notice (and that "HE IS NOT MY SON" movie with St. Angie) was busted in Miami last week for driving with the drunks. The cops didn't have to work hard to catch Jeffrey. TMZ says that according to the police report, the arresting officer was sitting in his car when he heard a loud ass screech behind him. When he turned around, he saw Jeffrey's drunk ass swerving his car to avoid hitting the cop car. Jeffrey should've just jumped into the cops lap and held his hands out to be handcuffed. I mean, really...

When the cop approached Jeffrey's window, he immediately smell the sweet scent of life's nectar wafting out of Jeffrey's breathing area. Jeffrey told the cop, "Sorry, I didn't see the red light or your stopped car." When asked if he had anything to drink, Jeffrey answered, "I had three drinks at the Fontainebleau."

The cop gave him a sobriety test which Jeffrey failed with flying colors. After the cop delivered the news that he was about to go to the clink, Jeffrey said, "The only mistake I made tonight was drinking Benadryl with 3 glasses of wine." And he followed them gem up with another, "I really think I'm only borderline and not too drunk." If I got a dildo for every time I said that last line before falling over, I'd be drowning in plastic dicks.

Jeffrey should've taken his LOL lines further. Dude should've told the cops that the truth is the wine bottle violated him by forcing its juices down his throat. And that he's happy the cop is there so that he can file a report against the wine bottle. Actually, I bet Kiefer Sutherland has already used that excuse....