Elderly

The "Sex and the City" hags came out to support Cynthia Nixon last night. Cynthia was honored with the "Ginges Who Love Bull Dykes" award. No, she was awarded some Point of Courage award or something. She is courageous for going down on Christine Marinoni. Speaking of, I don't think she was there last night!

I fucking live for seeing Christine and couldn't find her anywhere in the pictures. She's like an episode of "Rags to Riches." I constantly channel surf for an episode, hoping to land on one, but it never comes. Christine is like that.

Maybe I should hang out in the tool section of Home Depot. She's bound to show up there!

Here's more pics of My Little Pony Parker and her lambs last night. I also added some Judith Light, because she's hotter than all of them combined with a dash of sugar.

It's 60 degrees and shitty here in NYC and it looks like it's about 80 and fucking gorgeous in Hawaii. Yeah, but the milk is still $10. Although, that might be an urban legend.

The Jack is still in Hawaii where he's body surfing, tanning his moobs and chatting up the ladies. I'm sure he's getting lucky night and day. The horny tourists are probably eating him up. They better be using rubbers. Jack is virile! He has like 7 kids or some shit. I went to Hawaii and all I got was Jack Nicholson's baby.

Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I'm yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.

I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn't miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn't perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.

So....here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser's on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I'm starting to think it's actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.

One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete's heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don't think they could function if their hair was not straight.

Cleavage and a pearl necklace! What a dirty, dirty slut! The Daily Mail ran this little diddy about Lauren Bacall showing off a little bit of her 83-year-old tatas. They seem to think this is a fashion blunder. How? The bitch has boobs and she's not afraid to show them. This woman could go around naked with nothing but a labia ring and Crocs and I would still love her. Yes, even if she wore Crocs. That's true love.

Actually, I don't think I'd want to see her lady biscuit. When I was little, I once glanced at my abuelita getting dressed. It was like staring at the Grand Canyon. You know it's real, but it doesn't look real. You throw a coin in and you don't hear a sound. Oh shit! I can't believe I'm going there with my abuelita's vagina business. I need to punish myself with two hours of "Father Dowling Mysteries" and a cold clam soup dinner.

Here's that hot GILF Lauren at the Broadway premiere of "Gypsy" the other night. Since we're on the topic of hotness, I threw in a little Chris Burke. He was there supporting his former "Life Goes On" co-star, Patti Lupone. Obla-dee obla-da!

Got Dayum! I never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I always stopped during channel surfing when Spike's hot ass came on the screen. Spike is 45-years-old!

It was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reunion at the Paley Center in Los Angeles last night. Sarah Michelle Gellar, Michell Trachtenburg, Seth Green, James Marsters and the other skanks came together for a panel discussion.

I huge reason why I could never get into Buffy was because Sarah M will always be Kendall Hart to me. As I watched, I kept waiting for that hot bitch Erica Kane to take the screen and slap the hell out of her.

Keith Richards has been named as one of the new wrinkly faces of Louis Vuitton. The 64-year-old stars in an ad campaign that launched this month. A spokeswhore for LV said, "Keith Richards is timeless and ageless. He's lean and mean and he's still current."

Ageless?! Did that bitch say this was a straight face? His face looks like a block of wood.

Keith will donate the money he made from the campaign to Al Gore's Climate Project.

Keith better look over his contract again. I think Louis Vuitton has more in mind. They probably want to turn HIM into a limited-edition Louis Vuitton bag. I mean, you can't find that kind of leather anymore.

Below is a billboard from Keith's new ad campaign.

I'm starting to get the feeling that Katie Holmes is purposely trying to look like a Park Avenue widow with a pill-popping problem. I think Tom Cruise is doing this to her. He's probably one of those queens that is really intos the 20s. He probably has a ton of those vintage posters and watches Marlene Dietrich movies during his bubble bath. He's living vicariously through Katie Holmes by dressing her up.

Here's Katie at the Costume Designers Guild Awards last night. Katie is looking hot....for 65.

Clint Eastwood was enjoying a wonderful dinner at Madeo when Lindsay Lohan and her crew of misfits crashed the joint. Clint was not pleased. She was probably ruining his potato soup. That's what oldies eat, right? Anyway, Clint started glaring at her table. A witness told OK! Magazine, "I heard him tell his friend, 'She brought all those paparazzi. Fifteen of them. Did you ever think we'd see the day with all this? I'm going out the back door so I don't have to deal with all that."

Screw Lindsay for ruining his potato soup! I'm sure he had to eat his tapioca pudding at home too. What a bitch. I'm surprised he didn't throw his "Go ahead, make my day" line at her. If he did she probably would've been on her knees. Well! She's a slut. She can't help it. When sluts hear the word "head" they immediately get on their knees and go to work.

Jack Nicholson claims he has a killer pick-up line that always works. Jack said, "You walk up to someone you like and you're feeling relaxed, they think, 'Oh, here comes the shark' and you say to them, 'When did you get pregnant?' You will have somebody off balance after that particular line."

In Hollywood that little line will backfire, because most of those chicks are knocked up.

All Jack has to say to me is, "Hi, I'm Jack Nicholson. Do you want to fuck in the car or the men's restroom?" I'd immediately put down my Long Island Iced Tea and head to the john. I think everyone should eff Jack at least once in their life. Yes, the dick probably doesn't get completely hard, but who cares? He's Jack Nicholson!

It's the wild hogs! Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone went on Letterman last night and they all jumped on their motorcycles and rode off into the moonlight. Actually, I just think they just sat there on their bikes a little bit and road to the corner. They didn't get their mommy's permission to go past the block. It's all fun in games until one of their Viagra pills kicks in and leaves with them with a spooge mess all over the seat. Seriously, motorcycle engines know how to massage the prostate the right way.