Elderly

Above is somebody's Romanian grandmama straight-up falling out of her good shoes after trying to conquer two tiny steps and losing. Below is everyone's least favorite long-donged douchehole eating floor with his butt during a show in Indianapolis last night. Watch and compare:

The Chris Brown one is making me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA until my keyboard goes hoarse. Watching Chris slip and bust his ass feels like two tiny kittens hugging my eyeballs. What a beautiful sight. The only way this could've been better is if the falling satellite played the role of Chris Brown's ass and Chris Brown's head played the role of the stage floor during a reenactment of this minutes later.

The other video, I refuse to laugh at. I REFUSE! I have been trained to swallow down any laugh crawling up my throat over a granny going BOOM. My abuelita once crashed through a screen door and the first thing she did after adjusting her control-top hose was to check to make sure that not even a sliver of a smile was on my face. So I must not laugh at this Romanian memaw's hair cape hilariously flying through the air as she does the twist onto the floor. This is a setup and I will not fall for this trick!

That being said, all points go to the Tumbling Romanian Grandma!

via Best Week Ever & TMZ

File this under: Shit that I've learned from the latter years of Kunty Karl, Calvin Klein and Giorgio Armani.

When I'm deep into the "Dinner at 5" phase of my life and want a hot piece of buff man meat to massage waterproof Benjamin Homosexual cream (all the refined socialites refer to it by its full name, dahling) between my wrinkly toes and give me the Heimcock maneuver after I have trouble swallowing my own saliva, I have to somehow sell a million overpriced gowns to a million women first. Sounds easy. Now let me just pull my Sew Easy knitting machine out of my asshole and get on that.

There has be an easier way. I'd do that whole "sell my soul to Lucifer" thing, but my soul went into foreclosure years ago. It ain't worth shit. Anyway.

Here's more of the luckiest old bitch alive Giorgio Armani frolicking in Formentera, Spain with a hot piece that I'm sure he's introducing as "his nephew." I can't wait until I'm 77 and can introduce my leased whores as "my nephew."

Alan Simpson, the former senator of Wyoming and a co-chair on The Deficit Reduction Commission, think the children of America are a bunch of rude little shits who wear their caps backawards and listen to way too much Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog. Did Mr. Simpson just call our national's youth SCAT LOVERS? Mr. Simpson needs to get his mind out of the dirty bedpan! Dude's got prunes and extra-strength laxatives on the brain.

Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog should really get together with MC Skat Kat to become the new colons of Activia. No wonder Eminem has curbed the rage lately. Bitch finally took a shit.

But the real punchline of this YouTube clip is what they suggest you watch afterward:

Snoopy is in a bad mood, because he's constipated! Duh. Charlie Brown needs to hook his dog up with the great suppository.

With all that being said, I'd still listen the shit out of Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog.

via Buzzfeed

At an Aerosmith show in Toronto last night, Steven Tyler, who was dressed like your sexually ambiguous crazy old auntie who spends her weekends buying plastic flowers at yard sales, playfully tapped Joe Perry with his hip. Joe returned the love but he put a little too much gas in his hip thrust and Steven's ass fell into the audience.

Steven did an over-the-top cartoon face as he fell into the crowd, so they probably planned this shit backstage over Metamucil shooters. But still! The last time Steven fell into the audience he broke his hip and ended up slurping up butterscotch pudding in the hospital for weeks! There has to be another way for these old bitches to play with each other without Steven ending up with an IV in his one good vein. Maybe they can rip each other's Bengay pads off or something!

via TMZ

Gordon Ramsay was taking his sundried mammillas out for a stroll with his wife on the beach in St. Tropez yesterday when he stopped so that this eyeballs could taste a pair of roasted and wrinkled ham hocks. You know Gordon was thinking how delicious those things would taste with a red wine sauce drizzled on top of them and a side of broad beans. Serve 'em up, you stupid donkeys!

And before you start farting about how Gordon is wearing too many clothes on a nekkid beach, take a better look because he's clearly baring the ass on top of his neck. What more do you want? (And I still would. Both those asses).

Andy Rooney is the luckiest wheezy old goat "alive"!!!! Andy doesn't have to bother with an annoying toilet, because he can easily just go caca in his pappy pampers whenever he wants. Andy doesn't have to overwork his jaw by chewing on solid foods, because he only swallows pureed pumpkin from a Steamboat Willy sippy cup. Andy doesn't have to deal with annoying ass bitches in the outside world, because he never EVER leaves his desk. Andy doesn't have to fantasize about softly stroking Anderson Cooper's silvery landing strip, because he's got two of them over his eyes!

But what really makes Andy the luckiest geezer alive is that he has no idea what a Lady Gaga or a Justin Bieber is! Why can't we all be 550-years-old like Andy!

This is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 EYEBROW SITUATION right here. You know Lindsay Lohan put a Sharpie in Ali Lohan's hand and forced her to paint these eyebrows on, because she said it will make her look like Joan Crawford. Fuck my eyes with a wire hanger, because she looks more like the Benjamin Button-ized love child of Groucho Marx and Gollum. Lindsay Lohan should stick to sniffing Sharpies instead of using them on her sister's eyebrows. Beyond brow fuckery.

I am a strong supporter of eyebrow art, but this only works if Ali Lohan wants to look like a bridge witch who lost all her teeth from chewing on children's toe nails and gnawing on deer bones. Ali's sweater is even disintegrating at the sight of her scary ass. It's afraid she's going to throw it in the oven like she did to those village kids. Release the Kraken! I said "Kraken," not "Crackhead," so you can stand down, Lindsay.

Here's more of Ali with Lindsay Lohan at Millions of Milkshakes yesterday. Millions of Milkshakes is really the only place that will give Lilo a job nowadays.

Both Larry King and his wife of nearly 13 years Shawn Southwick filed for divorce last week after getting into a fight over the allegations that he's fucking her sister. Well, People says there's a good chance they won't quit each other after all. Larry's lawyer had this to say:

"There's a 50-50 chance this divorce is not happening. His focus is on the best interest of his children. It's not clear to me which way he's going to turn on this issue."

After all the dust from Larry's orifices settled, they probably decided that deep down they still love each other. Larry knows that he will never find another lady who won't choke on her own vomit at the sight of him eating a whole raw fish like The Penguin in Batman.

Shawn realizes that after humping on Larry's body for all these years, she's officially a necrophiliac. And why should she go trolling the morgues for dead bodies to fornicate with when she's got one at home? They belong together!

UPDATE: Larry's lawyer says their divorce is postponed for two weeks while they work some shit out. Zombie love forever!

If you're a lovely lady who gets a special twitch down below when a man's zombie peen decorates your decolletage with a moth ball necklace, then today is your lucky day! TMZ reports that 535-year-old Larry King is back on the market after filing for divorce from his seventh wife Shawn Southwick.

In the divorce papers, Larry blames "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why his 13-year marriage croaked into an open pit. Shawn probably couldn't stand it when Larry came home early in the morning smelling like virgin's blood and forest soot. And it probably killed her buzz every time his peen broke off inside her vag. I mean, you want to be broke off, but not like that.

Larry King is asking for joint custody. Shawn filed her own papers asking for primary custody of their two kids. Shawn also wants child and spousal support from Larry.

But seriously, now that Larry King is entering the dating world again, somebody should really tell him that he can't club a lovely lady over the head and drag her back to his cave like in the old days. He has to buy her a cocktail first.

UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that Larry and Shawn had themselves a huge fight this morning, which led to both of them filing for divorce. Apparently, Shawn thinks Larry passed his peen to one of her close relatives! DAMN! The old geezer's still got it. And by it, I mean a never-ending supply of Viagra. Do you think Larry keeps his suspenders on when he gets down to it?

Alec Baldwin is adding a new name to his book of arch rivals. Page Six says that Alec is directing his rage at The National Enquirer's Mike Walker for claiming that he yelled at Tina Fey on the set of 30 Rock. Alec wants it known that the only way he would yell at a Tina Fey is if Mike Walker legally changed his name to Tina Fey. It. Is. Awn.

Alec responded to Mike's story by calling him a "whore" and a "queen." Now, any of us would send Alec a thank you basket full of dildos for declaring us the queen of whores, but Mike Walker wasn't exactly amused. In his column for the Enquirer, Mike brought the bitchiness out and wrote the headline: "Alec Baldwin -- Raging Closet HOMOPHOBE!' Grab your pitchforks and torches, Hollywood -- the monster lurks among ye!"

Damn. That Queen Whore means business if he brought "ye" into it.

Alec didn't miss a beat, and he shot back with, "Yes, he [Walker] is a goat-footed, wheezy, old queen, and all my male lovers agree with me."

That was way harsh. This goat-footed queen is offended:

After Alec called Mike a goat whore queen (or something), Mike lifted his queeny hooves and slapped him back with this: "Just for the record: I am not gay, as my wife will attest. Right honey? . . . HONEY?? Hey Alec: Stay tuned."

A few years ago, I witnessed a fight at some dusty gay bar between two old queens. They were brawling over a young Asian twink. There was more slapping and biting than a Tiger Woods text message. This war of words between Alec and Mike is almost better than that. Alec and Mike really need to meet in a dusty gay bar and fight this out like real old queens. Tina Fey can the play the part of the young Asian twink.