Elderly

This morning on The View, crazy old Barbara Walters said, "Why do people want to be on MyFace?" Because your Twatter is always down, Babs.

P.S. - Pouring a mixture of industrial-grade bleach, OxiClean and Ammonia on a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, then rubbing it on your forehead doesn't kill the mental images. I tried.

You might want to hold your throat before you read this first part: here's 15-year-old (hold it tight) Ali OLDhan posing in Times Square yesterday for photographer Jonathan Ressler’s “Extraordinary Women Exhibit” (HOLD IT). Oh shit. Your throat just jumped out and ran the fuck away, didn't it? Go take a net to that shit. Your social life will tank without your throat. We'll wait for you.

Has Jonathan Ressler been hanging out with our girl Allison, because he's definitely been sniffing on some computer duster. And this is not walking on sunshine. I mean, how did Ali fall into the "extraordinary women" category? White Oprah probably fell on Jonathan's dick and that's how she made this happen.

Shouldn't this girl be in school anyway? She shouldn't be outside freezing her illegal plastic tittay sacks in the middle of Times Square looking like one of the Hookers at the Point in dire need of a Swan makeover. Being one of White Oprah's children will eff you up. The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, indeed.

And what would I give to be Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's South American houseboy this morning. That lucky bitch gets to be the first one to hear what Mah Boo has to say about this while he's sipping his freshly squeezed Tang juice.

This didn't come from the My Little Pony's mouth, but UsWeekly swears on Heidi and Spencer's rotten vaginas (they love them so) that the Sex and the City sequel is a go. They might as well call that shit Sex But Only With The Use Of Vagisil In The Retirement Community.

Some source said the contracts aren't signed yet, but everyone has agreed. Another source claims the 4 hos are getting a lot more money than they did the first time around. Warner Bros. wouldn't comment on this shit.

I will co-sign this shit in my own blood if they do the right thing and base the sequel around Rojo Caliente. They don't even have to do much. They can just show 2 hours of Rojo in a wife beater, cargo jeans and a tool belt drilling a piece of big wood or something. Swoooon. Those 3 hags and Cynthia Nixon can make cameos every few minutes. One can oil up Rojo's arms, two can brush her ginge bush and another can have Rojo flex for her. They can call it Gingy Bull Dyke in the Home Depot. Movie of the decade!

There was a story a few years ago of a 93-year-old memaw in Lithuania who showed a burglar what's what by grabbing on his skin berries and refusing to let go until the cops came. That story inspired Memaw "Jennifer" of Portland, Oregon to do the same thing when some nekkid ass criminal broke into her house and threw her old ass onto a chair. When the man had Jennifer on the chair, she reached around and gave him a nut job he will never forget. Vadge's ball crushing vagina must be so proud.

Sadly, Memaw Jennifer didn't pop one of his testicles, because he broke free from her hand and got away. The cops later found the nekkid moron and arrested him. They probably followed his raccoon screeches from getting his jizz bags crushed.

The punchline in this story is that the naked dude's name is Michael Dick. Michael DICK! His dick is all he would have left if Memaw Jennifer got her way.

Above is Jennifer talking about her ordeal. I love what Jennifer screamed at Michael Dick, but I think she forgot a word. She obviously threw in the "cunt" word in there somewhere. It's the official curse word for hardcore memaws.

And I hope that when I become an old lady, my house looks like that too.

Thanks Hexie

I've never been one of those whores who dry heave at the sight of bare feet, but I know some skanks who do. I knew some broad who in high school who would seriously start gagging every time she saw a completely bare foot. She could handle if it was in a flip flop, but not if it was just hanging out naked by itself. This bitch had a bad case of foot phobia. She couldn't even fuck a dude unless he wore socks! I asked her once, "Well, would you ever let a dude toe fuck you in the vag?" I thought the ho was going to shower herself with her own vom just to wash away the image of a big toe going into her cooze.

It's a good thing she wasn't at the Carouse of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills last night, because Lara Flynn Boyle kicked off her heels and walked the red carpet like she was fucking Joss Stone. Yeah, her shoes were probably bothering her hooves, but still. Have some consideration for the bitches around you who might suffer from severe foot phobia! I'm surprised Lara even has feeling in her feet, seeing as though she doesn't have feeling in her face. THAT FACE! She used to be the sexiest chick on TV and now she looks like hard silly putty.

Last night's Carousel of Hope Ball looked like "show off your new face night" at the fucking retirement village. There were enough wigs there to keep a tribe of performing drag queens going for years to come! Below are some of my favorite memaws from the night. Don't feel bad if you don't know any of these memaws and pepaws' names, because they probably don't know either.

82-year-old Hugh Hefner has confirmed to E!'s Marc Malkin that his fairytale romance with Holly Madison has ended its run. I'm sure he also confirmed to Marc that he just went doody in his undies, but that's another issue!

Hef said, "If she says it's over, it's over. But like I've said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her." Um....so they would have been together for six more months? I kid! Hef is going to live forever. The future of Viagra depends on it.

The Playboy pepaw popped a Werther's Original in his mouth and said the relationship started to go downhill six months ago after they found out he isn't able to father another child. He said, "With my sperm count, it's not possible. I was willing but it was not possible…She'd like to be married and have children, but it's not in the cards here for me."

Yeah, when your sperm count is in the negative digits, you're probably not going to be able to get the job done.

Hef said that his relationship with Kendra will be ending when she moves out of the house by the end of the year. He didn't say anything about Bridget, because let's be honest, she doesn't matter. She probably moved out a while ago and he didn't even notice! Gizmo needs to stay, though.

There are new skanks in the mansion. Hef has moved in 19-year-old orange twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (above). He said, "They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends."

I know these twin whores are the color of Hef's favorite drink, Metamucil, but this is ridiculous. They look like two week-old Halloween pumpkins who really need to be kicked into the middle of the street. If Hef has an orange fetish, he should just stick his shriveled turtle dick into a tangerine. Less hassle.

And there's also one other chick who will be sucking on Hef's dough dick very soon. Amy Leigh Andrews is testing this week and he said she will likely become one of his girlfriends too. "I'm dancing as fast as I can."

When Hef dances, medics have to stand by.

It's the end of an era! Hef's new girlfriends are a little on the old side, though. I guess there weren't any sexy unborn fetuses available.

Lauren Bacall is the kind of memaw that I could have a 6 martini lunch with at Fudrucker's. After about our third one, I'd softly stroke one of her bushy eyebrows and she'd tell me what she really thinks about Tommy Girl. I mean, she wouldn't hold back. She'd hike up her granny panties and let it loose.

In the new issue of Elle celebrating (gross) Botox Kidman, Lauren, who worked with Botox on "Dogville," had this to say about the couple's split:

“Tom had taken off for Penelope Cruz or some godamn thing — one of his more ridiculous moves. Tom Cruise is a maniac. I can’t understand the way he conducts his life."

It's the alien way, Lauren. You don't have to understand it. It's best if you don't. Have another martini. Don't you have more to say about our little midget alien lover? Don't stop.

“When you talk about a great actor, you’re not talking about Tom Cruise. His whole behaviour is so shocking. It’s inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially, but, I think, it’s kind of a sickness.”

That's what I like to hear! I think we should all bow down to the great crazy memaw known as Lauren Bacall! She better sleep with two eyes open tonight, because Tommy isn't going to like this. Hold a vial of truth serum close, LoBa. The aliens hate that shit!

Source

For the past few weeks there have been many rumors about the "Girls Next Door" falling apart, moving out of the mansion and being replaced by younger models. There has also been a little rumor that Holly Madison is doing it with a douche magician who goes by the name of Criss Angel. Hef and Holly both denied all the rumors.

Last night, a TMZ camera man chatted with Holly outside of a restaurant and he told her he wanted to go to the Playboy Halloween party and if she could get him in. Holly yammered on about how she was going to be Elvis for Halloween and then she said, "I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren't together."

SHOCK! DISMAY! TRAGIC! Seriously, this is about as surprising as the doctor telling me that my butthole only has a few more years left.

Holly also said that she's still filming shit with Kendra and Bridget for the sixth season of "GND."

Holly's 28, so she is getting up there in age. "Puffin" only has a few years left, so why would he want to spend them with a wrinkly old bag like Holly? Besides, Hef is still married! Holly needs to find a sugar daddy that is actually available for marriage. Mini-Me perhaps?

It's been a long ass time since I've seen Squinty Zellweger's signature squint out in full force like this. It makes my eyeballs twitch and my mouth crave salty lemons. Nobody squints the way she can! Liza Garza tries, but her squint can't hold a candle to Squinty's squint. Squint!

Squinty was at the Toronto International Film Festival today promoting some movie called "Appaloosa" with a bunch of pepaws. Squinty was asked what it was like filming in New Mexico and she responded, "The tacos are great!" This made Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen laugh for some reason. That's an inside joke, right? Squinty totally went lesbionic in New Mexico.

Here's more of Squinty with Ed, Viggo and Jeremy Irons. Damn. I guess it's true. People do get old.

85-year-old Leda Smith of Point Marion, PA is not about to let some punk ass bitch fuck with her home! On Sunday afternoon, Leda was chilling in her home, probably smoking a bong and listening to Wu Tang, when she heard some bitch breaking into her house. Leda said her neighbor's home was recently robbed, so she had been keeping a .22-caliber revolver near her bed.

She went on to say, "I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun. I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it." Leda then made the 17-year-old robber call the police while she kept the gun pointed at him. She ordered him to hand her the phone so that she could report his ass. With the 911 operator on the line, she instructed him to lie face down on the floor with his legs spread. She continued to the point the gun at him. This memaw doesn't eff around. I guess watching all those episodes of "Barney Miller" really paid off.

The 17-year-old was charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court.

Leda said she found the whole thing "exciting." Granny got a taste for the gangsta life and now she's not going back! She also said, "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here." I hope all the criminals of Point Marion, PA heard that loud and clear. There's a new head bitch in charge and her name is Leda Smith.

Source