Tori Spelling

Yup, you better believe one of Candy Spelling's powder rooms is going to be wallpapered from top to bottom with this mess. Shit, Candy probably had something to do with it.

In this week's Star Magazine, they go inside (Why are we always going inside?!) Tori Spelling's gutter of a marriage to Dean McDermott. One of Dean's dear friends, Michael Olifiers, says that he's only with Tori for the money and fame. Michael, who probably won't be getting a Hanukkah/Christmas basket from Tori this year, said, "There is no question Dean is with Tori for the money and the fame. Dean's always been desperate to become famous. He craved being in the spotlight and Tori's his ticket to that life."

Tori and Dean met on the set of some Lifetime movie when they were both married to other hos. Michael said that Dean's first words about Tori weren't exactly filled with hearts and rainbows. Apparently, the night before he had to kiss her in a scene, Dean told Michael, "I can't believe I have to kiss her. She looks like a horse!"

Michael said that after meeting Tori, Dean quit his wife and leeched on to Tori's vagina in order to get famous. When they were about to get married, Dean convinced Tori to not make him sign a prenup, because he thought she would inherit millions after her father passed away. But Michael said that when Dean found out Aaron Spelling didn't leave her a fortune, "he was livid."

Michael said that Tori and Dean are only together, because they make a living from their reality show, "They do everything and anything to make money from their fame."

Okay, who doesn't do everything and anything to make money? Just ask the welts on my butt cheeks (It's a long sordid dark story that I don't want to get into).

And does Michael not believe that true love can exist between a homewrecking gold-digging creepmeister and a homewrecking mare? Has Michael never seen My Friend Flicka? Netflix it, you dumb fuck.

Tori is already shitting on this story! Last night, Tori's publicist, Mr. Twitter, released this clear and concise statement: "Dean&I read STAR 2gthr&were grossed out@uncreative lies but made us appreciateR life&love more&made us sad4those tht spread lies.Bad Mo Jo!"

Yeah, I have no idea what she wrote either. I know it must be hard to type with hooves, but Tori could've let Dean do the Twittering.

Candy Spelling needs a shot of Lithium in her tongue, because she is bipolar as fuck. Last week, Candy sent off an open rant to TMZ about how Tori is a middle-aged reality TV whore blah blah blah oink blahz snort blahz. TMZ must have stopped returning her cries of crazy, because this week, she ran off to USA Today and had this message for her daughter: "I love you, and I always will." Candy, do not drag Dolly Parton into your mess!

Candy went on to yap that she wrote the letter to TMZ, because she didn't like how she was portrayed on Tori's reality show. Candy also said why she never talks to Tori, "My daughter doesn't like the telephone. She doesn't answer. I text her. I have left messages. I've looked for her at the trough. I've e-mailed her, and she doesn't respond." And she went on, "It could be years of disappointment. Maybe someday she'll get it. She's my daughter. I may not approve of everything she does, but I love her." And on..... "They (her grandchildren) are living a different life than my children lived as they grew up, and I wanted them to know some of how their mother grew up, and some of our wonderful memories."

Does Candy ever shut the dick up? Tori can't talk to her mother, because every time she opens her mouth to say something, Candy probably starts yammering on and on and on.... No wonder the Spellings had like a million rooms in their houses. It was so the entire family could escape Candy's constant yammering. Someone put an apple in her mouth already! LUAU

And why should Tori bother picking up the phone when she's going to read about it in Life & Style, the PennySaver, Craigslist, her fortune cookie etc... etc... etc.....

Image: Fayes Vision/Wenn.com

A little while ago, Tori Spelling invited her mother to her daughter's 1st birthday party. Candy never met her granddaughter, so Tori thought this might be a good time. Candy turned that shit down, because cameras from Tori's reality show were going to be at that party. Candy already queefed about it to the media a zillion times, but she's not done. Oh no. Porky Pig's long-lost twin sissy slithered into her letting writing room and punched out an open rant which she *exclusively* gave to TMZ. Yeah, so the next time your mother tells you off under her breath in front of everyone at Thanksgiving dinner, just be thankful that your mother is not Candy Spelling.

This is the ball of farts the over-aged lunatic wrote. Sprinkle a little Pepto dust in your eyes, CLUE LIGHTS and read on:

EXCLUSIVE TO: TMZ.COM
TO: MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)
FROM: CANDY SPELLING

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori's, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter's first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I'm sure its delivery will be on next week's episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won't like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don't read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying "she's late." I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.

She goes on to blab more, but this is the gist of it.

When even TMZ stops publishing Candy's ridiculousness, she's going to have to shout her rants on Hollywood Blvd. like an authentic crazy person does. I can't wait for that day to arrive.

And this almost made me feel a little bad for Tori, but then I remembered how her soul-bruising acting skills pretty much ruined The House of Yes for me......

Even though Candy Spelling basically said Tori is the reason why Aaron died, she was still invited to her granddaughter's birfday party this past Saturday. Tori has said that Candy has never met 1-year-old Stella, so this would've been the first time.

A source (aka Mimi La Rue whispering from heaven) told UsWeekly that Candy's slaves RSVPed yes to Stella's party. Her slaves called a few days before the party to ask if the cameras for Tori's shit show would be there. Tori told them that Candy would be not be filmed, because the camera lens could not handle both of their faces in the same frame. No, she didn't say that, but the producers were probably thinking that.

Despite Tori telling her mother that she would not be on camera if she didn't want to be, Candy still didn't show up. Candy sent an e-mail an hour before the party stating that her ass wasn't coming, but Tori didn't get it until later. A source close to Candy says that she decided not to go, because she wanted to keep their meeting private and didn't want cameras around. A source close to Tori told People, "She was told in advance she wouldn't be filmed if she didn't wish to be. Tori took a step to reach out. Tori is not preventing her mom from seeing her kids. People think she's preventing her mother from seeing the kids, but she does invite her."

Does Candy turn into a dragon when she really gets mad? Does she have two pet eels who do her dirty work for her, because bitch just might be a Disney villain. How are you going to RVSP to your granddaughter's party and then not show up?! Besides, there was cake there! And I'm assuming there was booze (I mean, you NEED life's nectar at a kid's party). Who turns down free cake and booze? Tori makes my eyes bleed and I'd still go to that party for free cake. I'd put Band-Aids over my eyes and deal with it just for some delicious frosting.

Yesterday, Candy Spelling went on a Massachusetts radio station and basically said Tori Spelling is the reason why Aaron's heart stopped beating. Yes, bitch is making Kate Gosselin's possum hair look like a glowing halo.

Candy immediately jumped on HuffPo to explain herself. But her explanation is really just a repeat performance. Get ready to release a flock of the "cunt" word from your mouth after reading this:

One of the most-repeated phrases by reporters is, "I don't write the headlines."

I just saw headlines on Foxnews.com, The Huffington Post and elsewhere that read:

"Candy Spelling: Tori's Actions Killed My Husband Aaron Spelling."

I don't know who is writing the headlines, but I wish he or she would read the rest of their own stories.

I didn't intend to create headlines. I was asked a question about my daughter not speaking with my family, and I answered truthfully. My husband was very ill, and he had stopped eating and taking liquids. He called Tori on a daily basis, and never stopped asking if Tori had returned his call. We had to say no every day.

I should have known better, but it is the truth. Next, someone will refer to it as 'patricide.' Wait, sorry. Eonline just did that.

You know, I really wouldn't put it past Candy if she lied to Aaron about Tori not calling. When the maid gave Candy a message from Tori, she just chucked it into the fire and continued to sip on her champagne. I think I saw that on an episode of Dynasty once. Fuck. I'm sounding just like her.

Candy and Tori Spelling pretty much pull out their pubic hairs whenever they think of each other. That's no secret. But Candy has upped her cunt game by blaming Tori for Aaron Spelling's death.

While whoring out her book on 94.7 WMAS-FM in Massachusetts today, Candy oinked, "My daughter one day decided that she wasn't speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that's how it's continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that's what killed my husband, actually. He just didn't want to live after that. He had just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn't do anything for her."

Aaron died in 2006 at the age 83. Yeah, the fact that he was older than oatmeal had nothing to do with his death. Tori's absence obviously did him in.

After saying all that, Porky Pig's long-lost twin sister still doesn't understand why her daughter uses her picture as a dart board. Candy said, "I've always been trying to work on the relationship. I don’t know what the anger is."

Methinks Candy needs to pay a little visit to her surgeon so that he can loosen her face a bitch (typo and it stays) and let it breathe. The tightness is effing with the part of her brain that controls common sense.

VIA E! Online

A hurricane of fugness attacked Palm Springs this weekend when Tori Spelling decided to venture out in public in a bikini. Ring the fuck alarm! Seriously, does Tori hate humanity that much?! Okay, okay, I'll try and be nice for once in my life. Tori does have a face that only an entomologist could love. And titty balls that only a shot putter would touch. See, I can be nice sometimes!

In related news, thousands of eyeballs were seen hitchhiking along Highway 111.

If you really love feeling dry heavey, take a look at more pictures of Tori. And one of these pictures is not of Tori, her baby or her creepy husband. You are a genius with laser-sharp eyesight if you can correctly guess which one.

Where can I send 25 cents a day to sponsor Tori Spelling's titties? They are looking so malnourished. They look like two snails out of their shells slowly frying in the sun. Tori needs to soak them in a sink full of Ensure, because that shit isn't healthy. While she's at it, she should drink a little Ensure herself, but it's her chichis I'm worried about. They've been surviving on nothing but a diet of silicone and that's obviously not working out for them. Those boobies are hongray.

How did the tranny frog get the reclusive gaysian unicorn known as Bobby Trendy to come to her stupid ass book party? It must have been an accident. Bobby was probably nearby when he heard his mating call: the click from a camera. It beckoned him to bring a little glamour to this overall fug affair. And I'm glad he did, because otherwise we wouldn't get to see how he reworked the vagina prom dress to make it work for him. Now the fat pink pussy on his chest matches the one on his ass. And is it just me or does Bobby kind of look like a ladyboy version of Phyllis Diller here?

That dumb bitch Kelly Taylor also came out when she should've stayed home with her head in a big bowl of VO5! Bitch's hair looks like Sarah Jessica Parker's next meal. That shit looks highly flammable. One flame is all it takes... Luckily, Jennie didn't stand anywhere near Bobby.

Here's the rest of the whores from last night's dreadful affair including, Kim Kardassian, Preparation H's arch rival Lisa Rinna, Creepy McDermott, Harry Hamlin and Rodney Stranger's twin sister Patti.

When your name is Tori Spelling and you have a face that brings the barfs faster than (don't click on this) this video (don't), you shouldn't even think of saying shit like, "Do you know who I am?" Tori might as well have turned around, stuck her ass out and let the bitch stick his foot up her culo, because that's just asking for it. Tori reportedly almost said that shit last night when a security guard wouldn't let her into Christian Siriano's fashion show in NYC.

The Daily Mail says when Tori tried to slither in, the security guard asked her for an invitation and that's when she flipped her jaw. After a few seconds of Tori's pathetic freak-out, organizers came in and ushered the lizard lady into the show. They should've ushered her back under the garden rock she came from.

In the security guard's defense, he didn't get a good look at her, because his eyes quit that bitch as soon they gazed upon the fugly of all fuglies. You have to be prepared to deal with something like that and the fugly hit him too hard and too fast.