Tori Spelling

If this is true then the Beverly Hills 90210 remake is over before it even began! Nikki Finke reports that Tori Spelling will be back as Donna Martin. Sources say it's official. This is not a good way to begin my Monday morning. Jennie Garth will return as Kelly Taylor, but she's only a recurring character. I can deal with Kelly Taylor, but NOT Donna Martin. Anything but Donna Martin! Fuck, bring back that dumb skank Valerie instead of Donna.

A few weeks ago, Tori said that she would love to join the show. She said, "every show needs a MILF." Obviously, she doesn't know what a MILF means.

Hopefully, Donna Martin returns to Beverly Hills after a horrific car accident that has left her mute, blind and deaf. That way Tori can just sit there and nod and grunt every now and again. That I can deal with.

Below is the classic "Donna Martin Graduates" clip! Please! No more Donna Martin!

Thanks UrbanCougar

One turn of the head and Tori's fug face could break all those camera lenses. Actually, she doesn't look that bad. It took a few vodka snorts for me to type that. Being knocked up is doing wonders for Tori's looks. The huge bump distracts from the face that could kill bats.

Tori and creepy Dean attended her baby shower yesterday and of course it was filmed for TV. If she films her baby delivery, I will break-up with my TV forever. There aren't enough blurry boxes in the world to cover up all that fug.

Tori Spelling won't ever stop cursing in front of her 1-year-old kid, because she does it in an innocent manner. Tori said, "I'm kind of a little girl potty mouth because I say it with such vulnerability. I don't have to censor myself in front of my son, it's not that bad."

How the fuck do you curse innocently? Please, somebody tell me. I've tried. I'm beyond a potty mouth. I'm a full on sewer mouth. Does she mean she uses innocent curse words like damn and crap? Those aren't curse words.

Hearing curse words every now and again isn't going to hurt Tori's kid. Having to look at her face every day is a different story.....

Source

This is what delusional Tori Spelling told Reuters:

"I'm a huge fan of gays. They love me; I love them. They consider me kind of a gay icon, which they've labeled me as."

I am gayer than Tom Cruise's E.T. butt plug and I would never consider this bitch a gay icon. The queen that bestowed that label upon her must have been in the mood for practical jokes. They gave her the side eye when they said it.

She's not a gay icon, but she's definitely a horse icon. They look up to her. She gives them hope of a life beyond grazing in the open fields.

However, Mimi La Rue is definitely a gay icon.

MiserAlba hasn't been very miserable looking lately. Look at her! Ok, she's not exactly bubbling like Orbitz soda inside, but she's not exactly frowning. Somebody wipe that serene look off her face! She should be scowling, covering her face in disgust and waving her paw at the paps. If motherhood changes her miserable ways, I will never forgive her!

Here's MiserAlba shopping for rugs this afternoon. When she's done wearing that shirt, she could use it for curtains. Better yet, she should use it for a burp cloth.

And since we're on the subject of fetuses in bellies, here's more knocked up Minnie Driver and Tori Smelly in Los Angeles today. They are taking over and will soon come for your ovaries (or penis) like hormonal zombies. Keep a bag of dirty cat litter near you at all times. If that doesn't work, show them this picture of Tori in a bikini. That shit will repel just about anything.

Two very different knocked up ladies were out and about with their families yesterday. One is probably going to pop out a furry litter of 6 and the other one needs to stop doing this pregnancy thing, so she can work on the new No Doubt album. Come on Gwennie. I need a sequel to "Don't Speak" called "I Really Mean It. STFU!" She promised.

I also have a disgusting confession to make. I actually spent money on Tori Smelly's book. I couldn't fucking help it. The back of the book featured a picture of Mimi La Rue asking me to "buy this book." I can't say no to Mimi.

Oh no! Tori Spelling didn't. She couldn't. She has a look on her face like, "Ehehehehe! I gots myself another midnight snack!" It was only a matter of time before knocked up Tori would devour poor Mimi La Rue after she found out the twinkie cabinet was empty. Mimi is probably chilling in Tori's belly with baby. They are hatching a plan to get out of there.

Here's Tori with some poor poochie signing copies of her book at Book Soup in West Hollywood yesterday. I want to read this shit! I just want to see if she talks shit on Shannen Doherty, so I can have yet another reason to despise her. Somebody send me their copy after they are done using it as toilet paper. It's ok, I'll just wipe the shit to the side. The smell of shit is an appropriate scent to go with that book.

Tori Spelling really wants to be in the new "Beverly Hills 90210" spin-off. I mean, she really wants to be in it. I think she would even give up one of her chins to be in it.

Tori already said she could play a sexy MILF in the show and now she has other ideas.

She told People, "My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I'm sure he will be beaming from above! And I'd love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud! I am a mom now, proud to say, but obviously too young to have a teenager, so maybe I could be one of the main character's young stepmom. Playing the funny sex ed teacher at the high school would be funny, too, considering Donna Martin was America's most infamous virgin."

Nope. Not going to happen. I'm pretty there's a law somewhere stating Tori Spelling must never return to network TV. If anyone in the Spelling family deserves to be on television, it's Mimi La Rue! Mimi can play Donna Martin after thousands of dollars of plastic surgery turned her into one of the world's most gorgeous supermodels. Mimi definitely has the face and body to play Donna Martin.

I want to break into Mimi La Rue's food container and spike it with some Zoloft. She has a look on her face that reads, "One day I'm going to somehow find the energy to crawl into Tori's bathroom and witness her coming out of the shower naked. If that doesn't finally send me to the heavens, nothing will."

Tori Spelling and her family attended the launch party for her new book last night. Tori is currently knocked up with baby number two and it was confirmed by her rep that she's having a girl. Mimi La Rue is thrilled. Can't you tell? Mimi will finally be off the hook from wearing homo ass dresses.

The party was also attended by such A-listers as Bobby Trendy and the Kardashian hookers. Bobby has worn that outfit at least 3 times in a 7-day period. Somewhere in American, a little girl is missing her purple satin bedspread and pillow cases.

Something tells me Tori Spelling doesn't google herself very often, because bitch thinks people actually want to fuck her fug ass. Tori was recently asked if she would be in the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off that's currently in the works. She said, "They should give me a call. Every teen drama needs a MILF, right?"

Um...since when does MILF stand for "mare I'd like to fist?" Tori baby, it's not that kind of show. I'm pretty sure the only man on the planet that wants to fuck Tori is her husband. It's pretty obvious that he was dropped a few times as a baby, so he probably doesn't have the best judgment.

Here's Tori at a book signing in Hollywood looking like Jabba the Hutt after a sex change.