Bai Ling

Hatchetface Rourke is on the top of the world! He has a Golden Globe award, he's going to be in that Iron Man 2 shit, he will most likely get an Oscar nomination and now he has the love of lunatic with a gold-plated heart named Bai Ling! And by "love" I mean she probably just gave him a hand job and maybe an ass lip tickle. Page Six says that at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. the other night, the two "made out and partied pretty hard."

Bai Ling is definitely the loon for Mickey. I mean, she's the only one who can probably stomach waking up to his fish jerky face. I'm sure she's woken up to worse. Remember that fake Bigfoot? Yeah, I think she hit that.

I also would love this union because I need to see Bai walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Everyone was so damn normal at the Golden Globes and the wrecks in chiffon must return! The mess of all messes Sally Kirkland has been M.I.A. on red carpets for a while, so Bai Ling needs to take her place.

By the way, don't tell Bai she was really making out with Mickey. I think she thought she was still making out with the fake Bigfoot. She is really starting to have feelings for him and it will break her little heart if she finds out the truth.

Kim Zolciak from The Really Not Housewives of Atlanta fell off the damn tightrope and somehow found herself at NBC's Golden Globes after-party. Some bitch should have alerted Peta that Kim was going to be there, because she's just asking to get flour bombed for that tortured creature on her head. Bitch's head is like a pet cemetery. There's at least one dead dog in there and possibly a K-A-T or a couple of hamsters. It's a mystery.

Now on to her face. My 6-year-old cousin could have done a better make-up job using her old ass Crayons and chalk. I think Kim had her make-up done while she was walking the tightrope. And not only is Kim wearing a dead animal party on her head, but she plucked a beaver's asshole hairs and glued that shit onto her eyes.

I shouldn't hate. I'm sure NBC personally invited Kim to serenade the guests with her gorgeous angelic voice. Actually, they probably asked her to sing in the bathroom to help out those who might be constipated. Just listening to a few seconds of Kim's singing will give you the runs.

Also at the after-party was Colin Farrell, a strangely covered-up Bai Ling and a raggedy ass Kevin Bacon with his wife.

Bai Ling actually knows there's a presidential race going on and this surprises me. I'm under the impression that she has no idea what the hell is going on outside her own thoughts. She's living in her own world where giant chess pieces were made for posing (below) and shit like that.

At the opening of "Third Eye Blonde" in Malibu last week, Bai gave her thoughts on who should be president. She said she really wasn't familiar with the candidates, but the president needs to have "bigger heart and kindler soul and quietly have the only pure intentions." This is why I adore Bai more than a wet bj. She talks like a a video game anime character. She's right. The president must have kindler soul.

She went on to say that she should run for president. If she was president, she would "demolish all the countries." Bai thinks countries creates war and boundaries. If we didn't have countries, we wouldn't have boundaries. I'm still voting for the Phoebe Price/Shauna Sand ticket, but Bai presents a convincing argument. Who needs countries anyway? And in her countryless world, Bai would most definitely be Secretary of Batshit Craziness.

No, Bai Ling's boyfriend is not giving her a little knuckle lovin' right there on the beach. Bai Ling is making death face! We almost lost our beloved Bai Ling when a wave knocked her out. Okay, she didn't almost die. She just got a little water in the brains. A little water in there will do Bai some good.

Bai was at the beach kayaking with Pink. No, "kayaking" is not code word for some kind of lesbionic act. The two were really kayaking. Bai Ling and Pink as friends is strange. What do they talk about? Naw, they don't talk. They eat and kayak. And yes that's code for something lesbionic.

Today just seemed like the picture day for some Corey Haim with a mullet pictures. Corey will tell you this look is for a movie, but don't believe him. He definitely looks like this on a daily basis. He loves it. The hookers at the truck stop bar off route 5 won't stay off him.

Corey's mullet is for a movie called Crank 2 also starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart and Bai Ling. This shit looks like it's going straight into a Blockbuster discount bin.

Why doesn't Bai Ling top the all the best dressed in Hollywood lists? Would you ever see Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry in this outfit? They don't have the hard nipples to pull off this kind of custom couture. Ok, it was made in the basement of a take-out joint in Encino, but still! This is the kind of shit you wear on the red carpet.

Here's Bai looking like the star of Hong Kong Community Theater's production of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" at the "What Happens in Vegas" premiere last night.

Bai Ling blames a broken heart on the reason why she stole $16 worth a crap at the Airport gift shop and was arrested. The 37-year-old said her split with her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day made her an emotional wreck. She said she was dealing with a huge emotional problem and basically her boyfriend was the wrong man. Aren't they all?

Bai posted a message on her website while she was in the airport:

"Delayed the flight, [wandering] again in the airport like a ghost, why can't I just be the sun smile? Life is a sad song sometime but still sings the beauty for their loved ones..."

Huh? That's like the kind of shit they say in the Final Fantasy video game. Bai's friend said that she was just distracted and that's why she walked out of the store with the crap.

Bai was en route to New Mexico to film Taylor Hackford's new movie with Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci. Yeah, Helen Mirren. She's probably only doing it, because she's fucking the director.

This is straight out of the pages of French Vogue like Janice Dickinson would say. Bai Ling's mug shot is all sorts of glamour. She should rip this out and use it as her new head shot. In case you don't know, Bai was arrested at LAX Airport for allegedly stealing $16 worth of batteries and tabloid magazines.

It was worth it, because this picture is hot shit.

P.S. - Sorry for my lack of posting today. I am on my fucking death bed! Please tell Phoebe Price to sing "My Heart Will Go On" followed by "Moonriver" at my funeral.

Source: TMZ

TMZ reports that Bai Ling was arrested at LAX yesterday for allegedly trying to steal two tabloid magazines and a pack of batteries. The batteries were probably for her dildo. Bai walked into the terminal shop in the afternoon and walked out with the items totaling $16. She was put under citizen's arrest by one of the gift shop employees. She was taken to the airport police station where she was booked for theft. Sources say she was crying, but was cooperative.

Oh Bai! She should have just said she forgot to pay and gave them the money. Better yet, she should have just started singing and broke into her routine of "I Touch Myself". They would have surrendered to her and let her take the items and probably hand over a few more items just to keep her quiet.

And what the hell is Bai sniffing in that picture above? I don't even want to know.

Obviously, Melissa Joan Hart has not seen "Dumplings." It's this horror movie with Bai Ling where she plays a woman who makes dumplings out of fetuses. The dumplings make you look younger. I know it's a movie, but still. I shouldn't say that, Bai is probably extremely gentle with fetuses. She looks like she's having an intense conversation with Melissa's unborn baby. Bai swears the baby is talking back to her and promising that when it gets out of there, they will go on a lovely journey on a unicorn past the ice cream kingdom and into the cotton candy desert.

The baby probably just kicked, but Bai's ear hears differently.

He's Melissa, Bai and Melissa's hot fuck husband at his album release party last night.

Wenn