Clay Aiken

You know that fake Lucy in the back is like, "And this bitch can get a man but I can't...." Yes, yes, yes, the Claymates have got themselves a new uncle in Clay Gayken's maybe boyfriend Jeff Walters. Clay's flaming ginger crotch bush, which was burnt out after Reed Keely pirouetted out of his life forever, has been reignited by Jeff's matchstick peen. That's what Pink is the New Blog is hearing anyway. They say that Clay and Jeff have been flashing their new love all over Texas this past week.

Clay was in the audience to see Jeff play Rocky in a Dallas production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the two went to the Gaylord Texan Ice Show (no comment) a few days later.

Like Reed, Jeff is a dancer and performer who isn't afraid of flaunting his Gayken tickler in underwear ads like the ones below. So if you want to bag a piece of Texas brisket who knows how to work a pair of obi panties, simply almost win American Idol and then develop a loyal fan base of mom jean wearers who will gladly steal their child's lunch money to give to you.

One the opening night of Clay Gayken and Ruben Studdard's tour in Asheville, North Carolina, they turned up the fuckery to dangerous levels with their medley of all the songs your drunk auntie sways her ass to at weddings.

I mean, This Is How We Do It, Mmmm Bop and I Want It That Way? It's like a copy of Now That's What I Call The 90s crashed into an episode of The Captain & Tennille Show after side-swiping a velvet teddy bear.

And the sight of Gayken grabbing his crotch in Hammer Pants probably brought a Claymate out of menopause.

(Thanks Gillian)

Maybe it has something to do with the entire box of Peeps I just swallowed, but Clay Gayken is actually making me a little weak on the cover for his album. Does this mean I'm a lesbian? Let's never speak of this again, and blame it on the fact that Clay looks like the gayelle love child of Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon who has a strange fascination with early 90s K.D. Lang. Yeah, let's go with that. Moving on....

Clay's new album features covers of "Moon River" and "There's a Kind of Hush." This is going to send Claymates over the edge, because even thinking about their savior singing a Herman's Hermit song gives them palpitations in the crotch. Hearing the actual recording is going to blow their minds...and genitals.

And stop looking at me like that!

via ONTD

Pop the poppers and heat the oil, because the biggest homo fight since Gay Al vs. Star Jones is about to go down! Remember when Gayken got all cunty and said Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed (but his b-lips tingle)? Well, Glamberace finally let the bitch out of the bag and responded during an interview with Access Hollywood. YES! YES!

The Glittery Prince of the Unicorns said, "I don't know Clay. I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him."

Note to Gayken: Glamberace didn't mean the last part LIKE THAT, so wipe the scented Vaseline off your carrot and gerbil hole.

And I hope Glamberace likes Premarin in his eyes, because the Claymates are out for the blood of a unicorn! They already have to deal with desert vagina and now THIS! It's not going to be purdy.

Yesterday, a blog post Gayken wrote on his $29.95 a year members-only website about his thoughts on Glamberace and the overall American Idol machine made the internet rounds. In the long ass post, Gayken said that Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed. He also said that American Idol played favorites this season and chose to focus on a bitch who is already all professional and shit. BLAH, right? Well, Gayken has hopped back on his custom-made sparkly pink MacBook (you know it is) to clear the fart he left after writing that shit.

Gayken's response is equally as cunty. Or maybe I feel that way, because I can't help picturing girlfriend shaking his head and snapping his fingers while writing it.

Gayken's whole "Sowwy (but not really)" rant is after the jump. Again, this is a loooooong one, so bring a Lunchables. JUMP!

A little while ago there was a rumor that Gayken wanted to duet with Glamberace, but producers SHUT HIM DOWN. There might have been some truth to that rumor, because maybe that would explain why the Unicorn Queen of the South pounced onto his official website (which charges $30 a year for membership) and put his buttery ladyfingers to work on a super long post about the future of American Idol (sample: Glamberace's voiced caused a stigmata in his ears). I know you're still stuck on that $30 a year for membership, but that's a small price to pay for a Claymate. They would find a way to give a kidney a year just to lick the words Gayken typed.

Gawker posted the entire rant Gayken wrote and I have it for you below, but this bitch is long. Have yourself a cup of spiked sweet tea and sit back, because once the Gayken starts, he doesn't stop. Also, make sure to read it in his precious Southern Twang. I also pictured him snapping his teeth, rolling his eyes and cooing at his clayby while writing this. That made it a little more entertaining. All the bitter bitchery courtesy of Gayken is after the jump. JUMP!!!

Clay Gayken was a giddy little gay yesterday, because he got his own caricature at Sardi's! At least, they tell me that's a caricature of Gayken, but the two bitches before me look nothing alike. On the left, we have a middle-aged gayelle whose eyebrows were electrocuted off during a tragic vibrator accident.

On the right, we have a girly-looking dude that I might bump tongues with in a dark club if I had too many Long Island Iced Teas. Whoever drew that shit did Gayken a huge favor. Gayken should give that bitch a taint slap. Although, I don't think any taint would appreciate getting slapped by Gayken.

I mean, I almost used my impeccable Photoshop skills to give him some gorgeous chola eyebrows like I did with Kellie Pickler, but it's not even worth the 10-seconds it takes me to whip that shit up. Not even a cholita makeover can save Gayken!

Why did his eyebrows go away?! Could they not handle the Gayken? They were probably fucking scared of the Claymates craziness.

Clay Gayken has landed a hot piece! A hot piece who I'm assuming is partially blind (yes, I'm going there again). But who cares about that!? He looks like he has a working peen and that's all that matters.

Star Magazine says that the new gayelle mommy has been bumping glazed donut holes with Broadway dancer Reed Kelly. Reed dances in Wicked and the two met while Gayken was doing Spermalot earlier this year. Reed was one of the reasons why Gayken decided to cum back to Broadway.

Some source said, "Everybody knows Reed as Clay's guy!" And everybody knows Gayken is Reed's big woman!

Speaking of, do you think we should tell Reed that Gayken is not a lezzie with an obese vagina? He might not know yet and it might be his thing. Naw! Let's not ruin the love!

And how do you think the Claymates are taking this news? They are either constructing a Reed Kelly tribute quilt using their mom jeans and puffy paint t-shirts or they are cursing his name. I haven't decided which one...

Click here to visit Reed's MySpace. He's kind of hot.

Clay Gayken looks like a 40-something gayelle with an extensive collection of holiday sweaters and ceramic ducks, but he's kind of likeable. Gayken gave an interview to Diane Sawyer (who talks like she's on ludes and wine) about the whole gay thing. The singing at the beginning made my ears twitch, but I wasn't completely annoyed with the rest of the interview. I would never EVER hit it, but I'd share a big dick with him. FUCK. I swear, I'm not turning into a Claymate! NO.

If you ever see a post on here with the title "Yes, I'm a Claymate," immediately throw my ass into the crazy house before I completely become a mom jeans wearing maniac!

First of all, thanks to those of you who directed me to this Claymates forum where there's hundreds of messages regarding their idol's big coming out party on the cover of People Magazine. It's nice to see that 98% of them are not bothered at all and will continue to worship at his big gay feet. The other 2% are shocked, confused and hurt, because they felt they were lied to. A couple of them are still waiting for "confirmation," because People Magazine could be telling lies. Hey, whatever gets you through the day.

Here's just a few quotes from Claymates who aren't waving rainbow flags this morning:

"This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream."

"please tell me I'm not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I'm so upset. This can't be real!! How can you guys say this won't change anything? This changes EVERYTHING. I don't even know what to think right now"

"I wish him well and hope he gets some peace of mind now BUT I feel he lied to everyone-especially us fans. He should have just said so years ago. I feel like we were "used". I still love to hear him sing but I also feel he has now become like a Michael Jackson and it's a bit too weird! He isn't just the plain ordinary person with the values he first stood for.-but it's just my opinion."

"One really sad thing for me that sums this up. THis morning at the breakfast table my 9 and 10 year olds were there and the radio was on and they came on with the headline "FOrmer American Idol..." and I knew what was coming and I ran to turn it off. I didn't want my young children to hear that and ask questions about it. To me this is the saddest thing and the reason I won't be able to hold him as my idol. I remember the day when I ran to turn it on and called all the family to watch with pride. It just seems so in your face now and I don't want exposing my kids to this. "

"I just feel rather silly now having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. It does change my perception of who he is and how I see him. We always called him our boyfriend and that won't be happening anymore."

You know, if I walked by a newsstand one day and saw Rojo Caliente on the cover of a magazine with the words "Yes, I'm straight" written on it, I would probably collapse to the ground. I would be devastated. I would feel bamboozled and confused. So I can completely relate to the Claymates whose world has just crumbled into a million gay pieces.

VIA Vote for the Worst