Clay Aiken

Pop the poppers and heat the oil, because the biggest homo fight since Gay Al vs. Star Jones is about to go down! Remember when Gayken got all cunty and said Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed (but his b-lips tingle)? Well, Glamberace finally let the bitch out of the bag and responded during an interview with Access Hollywood. YES! YES!

The Glittery Prince of the Unicorns said, "I don't know Clay. I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him."

Note to Gayken: Glamberace didn't mean the last part LIKE THAT, so wipe the scented Vaseline off your carrot and gerbil hole.

And I hope Glamberace likes Premarin in his eyes, because the Claymates are out for the blood of a unicorn! They already have to deal with desert vagina and now THIS! It's not going to be purdy.

Yesterday, a blog post Gayken wrote on his $29.95 a year members-only website about his thoughts on Glamberace and the overall American Idol machine made the internet rounds. In the long ass post, Gayken said that Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed. He also said that American Idol played favorites this season and chose to focus on a bitch who is already all professional and shit. BLAH, right? Well, Gayken has hopped back on his custom-made sparkly pink MacBook (you know it is) to clear the fart he left after writing that shit.

Gayken's response is equally as cunty. Or maybe I feel that way, because I can't help picturing girlfriend shaking his head and snapping his fingers while writing it.

Gayken's whole "Sowwy (but not really)" rant is after the jump. Again, this is a loooooong one, so bring a Lunchables. JUMP!

A little while ago there was a rumor that Gayken wanted to duet with Glamberace, but producers SHUT HIM DOWN. There might have been some truth to that rumor, because maybe that would explain why the Unicorn Queen of the South pounced onto his official website (which charges $30 a year for membership) and put his buttery ladyfingers to work on a super long post about the future of American Idol (sample: Glamberace's voiced caused a stigmata in his ears). I know you're still stuck on that $30 a year for membership, but that's a small price to pay for a Claymate. They would find a way to give a kidney a year just to lick the words Gayken typed.

Gawker posted the entire rant Gayken wrote and I have it for you below, but this bitch is long. Have yourself a cup of spiked sweet tea and sit back, because once the Gayken starts, he doesn't stop. Also, make sure to read it in his precious Southern Twang. I also pictured him snapping his teeth, rolling his eyes and cooing at his clayby while writing this. That made it a little more entertaining. All the bitter bitchery courtesy of Gayken is after the jump. JUMP!!!

Clay Gayken was a giddy little gay yesterday, because he got his own caricature at Sardi's! At least, they tell me that's a caricature of Gayken, but the two bitches before me look nothing alike. On the left, we have a middle-aged gayelle whose eyebrows were electrocuted off during a tragic vibrator accident.

On the right, we have a girly-looking dude that I might bump tongues with in a dark club if I had too many Long Island Iced Teas. Whoever drew that shit did Gayken a huge favor. Gayken should give that bitch a taint slap. Although, I don't think any taint would appreciate getting slapped by Gayken.

I mean, I almost used my impeccable Photoshop skills to give him some gorgeous chola eyebrows like I did with Kellie Pickler, but it's not even worth the 10-seconds it takes me to whip that shit up. Not even a cholita makeover can save Gayken!

Why did his eyebrows go away?! Could they not handle the Gayken? They were probably fucking scared of the Claymates craziness.

Clay Gayken has landed a hot piece! A hot piece who I'm assuming is partially blind (yes, I'm going there again). But who cares about that!? He looks like he has a working peen and that's all that matters.

Star Magazine says that the new gayelle mommy has been bumping glazed donut holes with Broadway dancer Reed Kelly. Reed dances in Wicked and the two met while Gayken was doing Spermalot earlier this year. Reed was one of the reasons why Gayken decided to cum back to Broadway.

Some source said, "Everybody knows Reed as Clay's guy!" And everybody knows Gayken is Reed's big woman!

Speaking of, do you think we should tell Reed that Gayken is not a lezzie with an obese vagina? He might not know yet and it might be his thing. Naw! Let's not ruin the love!

And how do you think the Claymates are taking this news? They are either constructing a Reed Kelly tribute quilt using their mom jeans and puffy paint t-shirts or they are cursing his name. I haven't decided which one...

Click here to visit Reed's MySpace. He's kind of hot.

Clay Gayken looks like a 40-something gayelle with an extensive collection of holiday sweaters and ceramic ducks, but he's kind of likeable. Gayken gave an interview to Diane Sawyer (who talks like she's on ludes and wine) about the whole gay thing. The singing at the beginning made my ears twitch, but I wasn't completely annoyed with the rest of the interview. I would never EVER hit it, but I'd share a big dick with him. FUCK. I swear, I'm not turning into a Claymate! NO.

If you ever see a post on here with the title "Yes, I'm a Claymate," immediately throw my ass into the crazy house before I completely become a mom jeans wearing maniac!

First of all, thanks to those of you who directed me to this Claymates forum where there's hundreds of messages regarding their idol's big coming out party on the cover of People Magazine. It's nice to see that 98% of them are not bothered at all and will continue to worship at his big gay feet. The other 2% are shocked, confused and hurt, because they felt they were lied to. A couple of them are still waiting for "confirmation," because People Magazine could be telling lies. Hey, whatever gets you through the day.

Here's just a few quotes from Claymates who aren't waving rainbow flags this morning:

"This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream."

"please tell me I'm not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I'm so upset. This can't be real!! How can you guys say this won't change anything? This changes EVERYTHING. I don't even know what to think right now"

"I wish him well and hope he gets some peace of mind now BUT I feel he lied to everyone-especially us fans. He should have just said so years ago. I feel like we were "used". I still love to hear him sing but I also feel he has now become like a Michael Jackson and it's a bit too weird! He isn't just the plain ordinary person with the values he first stood for.-but it's just my opinion."

"One really sad thing for me that sums this up. THis morning at the breakfast table my 9 and 10 year olds were there and the radio was on and they came on with the headline "FOrmer American Idol..." and I knew what was coming and I ran to turn it off. I didn't want my young children to hear that and ask questions about it. To me this is the saddest thing and the reason I won't be able to hold him as my idol. I remember the day when I ran to turn it on and called all the family to watch with pride. It just seems so in your face now and I don't want exposing my kids to this. "

"I just feel rather silly now having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. It does change my perception of who he is and how I see him. We always called him our boyfriend and that won't be happening anymore."

You know, if I walked by a newsstand one day and saw Rojo Caliente on the cover of a magazine with the words "Yes, I'm straight" written on it, I would probably collapse to the ground. I would be devastated. I would feel bamboozled and confused. So I can completely relate to the Claymates whose world has just crumbled into a million gay pieces.

VIA Vote for the Worst

I know you're still reeling from the fact that Clay Gayken officially loves the peen. I'm sure Kathy Griffin is sobbing in her closet, considering early retirement. Don't do that, Kathy. Remember. You'll always have Ryan Gaycrest.

Oh and in related news, I'm gay too. I know. Too many gay shockers for a 24-period.

This morning, People released a few experts from Clay's totally gay interview and the born-again Christian talks about why he decided to shock the world by unveiling the best kept secret in Hollywood.

On why he decided to come clean:
"It was the first decision I made as a father. I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things. I wasn't raised that way, and I'm not going to raise a child to do that."

On how he thinks his mom-jeans-wearing fans are going to handle the news:
"Whether it be having a child out of wedlock, or whether it be simply being a homosexual, it's going to be a lot. I've never intended to lie to anybody at all. ... But if they leave, I don't want them to leave hating me."

On telling his mommy four years ago:
"It was dark. I was sitting there, thinking to myself. I don't know why I started thinking about it ... I just started bawling. She made me pull over the car and it just came out. She started crying. She was obviously somewhat stunned. But she was very supportive and very comforting. She still struggles with things quite a bit, but she's come a long way."

On raising his son Parker Foster Aiken:
"I have no idea if he'll be gay or straight. It's not something I'll have anything to do with, or that he'll have anything to do with. It's already probably up inside the code there ... No matter what the situation you're in, if you're raised in a loving environment, that's the most important thing."

Did he just call himself a "homosexual"? I thought my frigid aunt was the only one who called the gays that. She also refers to any of my boyfriends as my "special friend." And is Gayken's mommy living in the basement with Solange? She was stunned to find out he's a sausage worshiper? I mean. If your name is Clay Aiken, you might be gay.

Also, I've been wondering what the die-hard Claymates think of all of this. I haven't found shit! This site, which is homebase for Claymates in Georgia, has yet to comment on it. I keep refreshing like crazy. Thankfully they have amazingly hot pictures of their idol to entertain me with. Seriously. Look at these pictures. High-art! That Clay Gayken doll is going to haunt my gay dreams.

Even Gayken's turkey baster baby is saying, "DUH!" Gayken officially came screaming out of the closet on the cover of People Magazine. Do you hear that? It's the sound of thousands of middle-aged conservative Claymates tearing down their Gayken shrines. Hahaha! We told you, dumb bitches!

VIA Huffington Post

Look outside your window! There's probably a beautiful rainbow in the sky! If you look closer, you'll see glittery unicorns jumping through it. What's the occasion? They are celebrating the birth of Clay Gayken's baby!!! Yes, the ginger gayelle with a penis is a mama je'e!

In case you blocked out the gory details, Clay Gayken's happy spermies (shudder) were used to knock up his best friend, 50-year-old Jaymes Foster. Jaymes is a chick.

Gayken's mommy confirmed the birth to WRAL.com. Jaymes and Gayken welcomed a baby boy at around 8:08 this morning in North Carolina. Okay, this is a sign of the apocalypse. Born on 8/08/08 at 8:08?!

They have named him Parker Foster Gayken. I mean, Aiken. He weighed in at 6 pounds 2 ounces. 6 + 2 = 8!!!! TAKE SHELTER!

When the baby came out and screamed "Ooooh! Slap me on the ass and call me Mary!", everyone knew he was Gayken's.

Gayken's mommy said that Clay is "smiling from ear-to-ear." That's because he's thinking of all the "It's a boy" cigars he's going to get from his friends. And by "cigars" I mean dicks.

Congrats to Gayken! He's going to make the sexiest lezzie mommy ever! By the way, I think the vaginas of hundreds of Claymates just exploded in their mom jeans. Clean up on aisle BARF!

Thanks Ma Nom