Paris Hilton

Football star Cristiano Ronaldo, who is in Los Angeles on business, partied with some dude friends at Villa in Los Angeles last night. A solo Wonky McValtrex was also at the club and had her one good eye set on Cristiano the entire night.

The Daily Mail claims she sat next to him and tried to get with that shit. A witness said, "Paris was all over him. The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table. At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him. But Ronaldo clearly wasn't interested in Paris. He turned his back on her." I'm surprised she didn't start dry humping his back.

Leave it to that skank to prey on a man while he's injured! As far as I know, she's still titty fucking Boy George Benji Madden. I'm sure they are still together, but Wonky is the slut of all sluts. She makes Sienna Miller look like Mother Theresa.

Cristiano must have listened to customs when he arrived in the US. They tell everyone, "Welcome to the United States. Have a good trip and don't fuck Paris Hilton."

Here's Cristiano and Wonky out in LA last night.

Boy Benji needs to step away from Wonky's toxic chocha for a second, because its fumes are fucking with his one working brain cell. Wonky recently said that Benji refuses to let her get a tattoo and his reason is fucking ludicrous.

She said, "He is going to get one of me but he won't let me get one. He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure."

She looks like a pure skankasswhoreslutskeezybitchhocumrag. Wonky is as pure as Tommy Girl's boiling hot douche water.

Maybe Boy Benji was chomping on his 10th chalupa of the day when he mumbled, "You look like poo." I mean, anybody who says Wonky is pure needs to be locked up in a straitjacket for life.

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Hahaha! Wonky looks like she got sprayed down with wet doody. Doody tan! It looks like the liquid caca got all over her dress too or maybe that fugly rag just came that way.

She looks like one of Tommy Girl's used condoms. Nast. Somebody needs to tell this ho that looking like a greasy chicken bone is "not hot."

It's nice to know that the US and Boy George kiss and made up. Now George can perform all his classics for his American fans. I hope he got all his shots before entering because having any physical contact with Wonky McValtrex is not recommended. I'm pretty sure Wonky is on the CDC's most wanted list.

Of course that's not Boy George. I should be shot for even saying that. It's Benji Madden without a hat on! Who allowed him to remove his hat?! It should be a law that Benji must keep his head covered at all times. Shit, he should keep his face covered too. And I'm pretty sure Wonky didn't get a chichi job. It's just some push-up action. I don't think any plastic surgeon will risk his life by operating on that skank!

Here's Wonky and Benji spreading their grossness in Los Angeles last night.

Last week, there was a story about Wonky stomping into some pet store to buy a little doggy for a fashion shoot. The store denied her ass. Well, she's denying the incident ever happened. Wonky took to her MySpace to cry about it. You have to read it in her baby slut voice. It's the only way.

I wasn't looking for a new pet, I wasn't even at a photo shoot that day, (I was down the street at Benji's DCMA clothing store) and I actually have a Yorkie puppy. I love animals and the cruel things people say are not acceptable. Puppies are not accessories or toys and I love my own pets dearly--I treat them as if they were my children. Of course I support pet adoption from shelters, and I made sure that my BFF show involved a local one to spread the word about how these animals need loving owners. So it is sad that someone felt the need to invent a story about me throwing a fit for a dog that would "go with my outfit."

I have no idea where people come up with these stories and they are spreading to so many news outlets that I just have to speak my mind and clear things up, especially with my fans. I love you all and appreciate your messages, as always.

Blah...blah...blah! Does this rancid twat expect us to believe that she knows how to write? She had one of her ass crabs type this shit out and one of her twatty worms proofread it.

If this ho is going to treat her children the same way she treats her pets, then Child Protective Services better open up a file on that bitch right now.

Image: Jim Brooks

Wonky McValtrex has at least 10,000 dogs. At least. This dumb whore buys a new dog as often as she buys the morning after pill. Practically daily!

Page Six reports that Wonky stomped into The Puppy Store on Melrose in Los Angeles over the weekend and tried to buy a puppy for a photo shoot, so that "she could look cuter." The only way this fugly whore could look "cuter" is if she put a paper bag over her head and vagina.

The pet store obviously knows this bitch's history, so they refused to sell her one. A source said (read it in her obnoxious baby tramp voice), "She started screaming, 'I love my puppies! I want my baby!'"

That's pretty effin hilarious. You know you're pretty fucked up when a puppy-mill-buying pet store won't even sell you a dog.

Bitch should have just called up one of her relatives. Any of them could easily stand in for a dog.

Wonky is currently shooting her MTV reality show where she's looking for her new main wart popper and best friend. Wonky brought the sad bunch of broads to party at Tao in Las Vegas yesterday. My pennies are on the pregnant bitch in the leopard dress. Wait, is that Jessica Simpson? I knew her career was in the gutter, but damn. Seriously, Pregnant Leopard Bitch looks like she's down for anything including sucking up Wonky's crab babies, which I'm sure is one of the challenges. PLB for the win!

Wonky McValtrex having a baby is the final sign of the apocalypse. The Gods above would not do this to us. The world cannot end. I still haven't done the tango with Phoebe Price underneath a chicken cutlet canopy with Rojo Caliente playing the violin in the background.

Either Benji Madden has some super fatty jizz or Wonky is doing this on purpose for attention. It's probably both!

The world is going to end in 2009. It has to. That's when Wonky McValtrex plans to breed. Wonky is currently "in love" with Benji Madden and she told Heat magazine (via SF Chronicle) that she wants to start a family next year. Wonk said, "I do want a baby. Pretty soon. Not yet because I'm so busy, but next year."

I'm sure she'll name herp baby Jean, after Jean Harlow. Always copying Nicole Richie!

Benji's love has also turned Wonky into some kind of domestic. A source told E! that the two spend most of their nights at home. Wonky even cooks for him. The source said, "The two stay home as much as they can, cooking dinners and just hanging out. She makes him her specialty dish, lasagna, and he loves it."

Lasagna in "wonk talk" means something totally different. It's probably some nasty sex act involving dirty tampons and dick cheese.

Here's Wonky buying dumb shit in Los Angeles yesterday.

First of all, that t-shirt should read Wonky McValtrex or Dumb Skank. She's not Paris Hilton anymore. Ugh. Only this skeezy would wear her fugly ass name on a t-shirt. She probably has her morning-after pills monogrammed with her name.

Anyway, this dumb whore told People that she is already thinking of marrying her gross ass boyfriend. They haven't even been dating for 3 months.

Wonky said she's already been thinking about her wedding dress, "I'd wear a beautiful white dress, probably Dolce & Gabbana." White?! In all fairness, Wonky has probably spent most of the last 10 years with white loads all over her face, so I can understand why white is special to her. She should wear white, so should he. Huge white bags over their nasty faces.

Wonky said gross boyfriend is different than any other guy she's dated, "He's worked very hard on his own. He really has a heart of gold. He'd never do anything to hurt me. He loves and supports me no matter what. He's a really great person." She forgot to mention that he's also the only dude that will pop her vag pimples with his teeth. Ok, that was nasty.