Lindsay Lohan

HoHan continued to celebrate her 42nd 22nd birfday by going to the gayest place on earth....Disneyland! Actually, the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA is the gayest place on earth. Disneyland is a close second.

HoHan was joined by SamRo and her much older sister Ali Lohan. Is Ali fucking wearing a choker?! I have to hand it to her. She's really committed to looking like a middle-aged, twice-divorced officer manager from the early 90s.

You know they only went on the Alice in Wonderland ride so that SamRo's little finger could fall down HoHan's fire rabbit hole. Hopefully, they also hit up the Haunted Mansion ride, because that's really the best place in Disneyland to do sexy sexy times on the down low. So I've heard.

Here's more gayelles in Wonderland on Thursday along with some pics of SamRo playing gross music for a bunch of skanks at Tao Beach in Las Vegas yesterday.

.....And I'm not talking about the hot bitch with the moobs. Hmmm...they both have moobs. I mean, the hot bitch in the polo shirt.

HoHan was on Ryan Seacrest's morning show today and was asked what she wants to accomplish this year and she answered, "Um..I just want to live a happy, healthy year and continue on the path I've been on. And...you know....be with the person that I care about and my family." Gaycrest missed an opportunity to burst into song and gaily sing , "Leeeeeeezzzz beeee friieeeeends foreeeever...." Instead, boring ass Gaycrest just went on to the next question. Click here to listen to HoHan's interview if youc are.

HoHan also celebrated her 15th annual 22nd birthday last night by having a small party at Teddy's. Her possibly special someone, SamRo, gave her a gold bracelet as a birthday gift. Gold bracelet?! Did it have a dildo attached to it? What the hell kind of gayelle gift is that?! I mean, no gift certificate to Land's End or Home Depot? No season tickets to the WBNA? No mixed-tape featuring the Indigo Girls, K.D. Lang and Ani DiFranco? For Shame! These bitches need to go to Gayelle School.

Here's some pictures of HoHan and SamRo doing lesbian-type things yesterday. I also threw in some pictures of Mark Ronson performing in London today, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Take a good look at 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann, because this could be the last time you see her looking so innocent, normal and pure. It's only been a few days since Michael Lohan came forward claiming Ashley was his secret love child. He has since taken back his claims and is waiting for the results of a paternity test.

Ashley's mother, Kristi Kaufmann, has wasted no time in whoring out her child and she's reportedly trying to get her daughter a record deal. It looks like White Oprah has some competition in the "Greatest Mom on the Planet" contest.

A source told MSNBC's The Scoop, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” Um...that isn't saying much. The corroded peanut my pooch pooped out this morning has more talent than Ali. Seriously, it does. I'm in negotiations with White Oprah about being its manager.

A family source also claims, "Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan.” Riddle me this, who in that family has singing ability?

Kristi Kaufmann isn't the only dumb bitch trying to make a quick buck off of a child. Michael Lohan is trying to make a deal with OK! or People for the exclusive rights to his paternity test results. Michael's asking price is only around $20,000, but nobody is interested. A Source told Page Six, "He's approaching everyone to get the highest bid because, if he is the dad, he's going to need the money for back child support." What about Maury?! Seriously, Michael is a dumb fuck for not asking Maury! Maury is the only person who is allowed to say "You ARE the father!"

And it will only be a matter of time before lil' Ashley is covered in orange grease and stumbling drunk out of cars. The Lohans kill innocence faster than Jacko does!

This is a picture of HoHan's supposed secret half-sister. InTouch has the first pictures of 13-year-old Ashley Kaufman and her mother, Kristi Kaufman. Kristi claims she did grossy grossy times with Michael Lohan and produced lil' Ashley.

Michael at first admitted it, but now he's denying it. He recently submitted his DNA for a paternity test. He said that if Ashley is his, he will accept responsibility. If she's not his, he plans to sue Kristi for defamation. Um...he should sue himself too, because he's already defamed himself plenty of times.

Michael told the NYDN last week, "I've seen pictures and, to tell the truth, there are similarities with Linds."

Hmmm....she doesn't have greasy orange skin, a cokey nose or a permanent poo stain on her upper lip. And she actually looks a normal 13-year-old and not a 35-year-old hooka! Nope, definitely not a Lohan! That being said, she'll still get her own reality show and record deal.

The image of Michael Lohan blowing his lumpy man chowder into a plastic cup is not what I needed today. Barf. You know that shit is like Campbell's chunky New England clam chowder. Double barf.

Anygross, Michael told E! News that he gave a DNA sample this morning for a paternity test. I know that it was probably done by blood or another way, but you know Michael insisted he drop his junk in a plastic cup.

Last week, Michael told the press that he had a secret daughter. He claims he effed some hobag named Kristi while he was separated from White Oprah. Years later, Kristi told Michael she had his daughter, Ashley, now age 13. Michael is now changing his tune, because he thinks something in the milk ain't clean. Why did I just say that? That made me think of Michael's chunky chowder jizz again.

Michael said, "We were together in July of '94. I think it was just before The Parent Trap came out because that's when Dina and I were separated. [Kristi] left me and went to Houston, Texas, and she met a guy she lived with there for a year." Um...The Parent Trap came out in 1998. Somebody enroll this dumb bitch in a class at Sylvan Learning Center.

Michael went on to say that Ashley was born in June 1995, so he doesn't think the timing adds up, "She had me so convinced. She had me snowballed." Snowballed?! I bet she did and I bet Michael loves eating his own chowder....OK! I'll stop. I've gone too far. No more talk about Michael's chunky chowder!

He will have the results in 10-12 weeks and said he's willing to step up if he is in fact Ashley's daddy. By "step up" he means he'll whore poor Ashley out to Hollywood, so that she can make some easy cash for him.

And Maury must be truly depressed that he didn't get to handle this shit.

Just when I'm beginning to think that all the HoHan drama is dying down, Michael Lohan has to open his big mouth and start yapping. Michael told OK! Magazine that HoHan has a secret sister. In case you didn't know, this is how the Lohans communicate with each other. They blab to the press.

Michael confessed to doing sexy times with some other bitch while he was separated from White Oprah. The bitch he was fucking contacted him years later and said she had his child.

The bitch told OK! that Michael has talked to his secret daughter several times and even called her on her 13th birthday this month. Michael has never visited his secret daughter and has never given her any of HoHan's hard-earned cash. Well, he doesn't have any dough. Secret daughter's mommy said, "It's time for Michael to take responsibility."

In my lesbian soap opera fantasies, HoHan's secret sister would be revealed as none other than...SAMRO! No, she doesn't have the Lohan's trademark orange skin. Yes, she's like ten years older than HoHan, but let a homo dream!

And expect a 30-page statement from White Oprah in 5....4...3...

Solange is standing a little too close to HoHan's private pussy. She better stand back or HoHan's greasy snatch hands will attack the Beyonce-hand-me-down-wig sitting on her head! Solange also doesn't want HoHan's twatty ciggie breath screaming at her, "Get your 15-year-old Full House ass off my girlfriend!" Yeah, Solange isn't 15 and has never been on "Full House," but that's the only insult HoHan knows.

Luckily, this didn't happen, but it does look like someone attacked Solange's dress or maybe it came that way? Beyonce probably gave her basement baby sister that dress as a birthday pressie and told her it was a Dior original, but it's really made out of orange silk flowers on clearance from Joann.

Here's Solange, SamRo, HoHan, Beyonce and Mama Knowles at Solange's birthday party. Was her party held in the basement?!

They skipped both of those and settled for the chin dildo. SamRo looks like she could head bop the hell out of HoHan's fire chocha.

SamHo spent a lovely Sunday together in gayelle bliss doing lesbionic things like shopping and eating hamburgers. Awwww...and they even wore matching white pants.

Fire belly alert! HoHan showed everyone on the set "Labor Pains" where SamRo dumps her sizzling lady spunk every morn, noon and night! You know SamRo rubs her steel wool all over that belly and it makes a fire. Then they makes s'mores on it and watch "Thelma and Louise." Sorry, I'm stupid.

For once, I don't want to take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to HoHan's skin. She probably stinks like stale ciggie smoke, patchouli, burnt steel wool and fish jerky, but she looks pretty decent on the outside.

The fake book cover above didn't qualify for a "Photoshop Award" because I'm pretty sure this shit was made with MSPaint and not Photoshop. Judging by its cover, you know this movie is going straight to the clearance section at Blockbuster. It has "blue light special" written all over it. Anyway, the prop book featuring a knocked HoHan on the cover was made for her new soon-to-be Razzie nominated movie, "Labor Pains" aka "Someone Had To Give This Sad Bitch A Job."

This movie looks like it was paid for using food stamps and WIC vouchers. Cheap! Was HoHan's wardrobe provided by Fashion Bug?

And the look on her face in the fake book cover says it all, "What the hell kind of fuckery did I get myself into?"

On that note, my homo ass needs to get on a plane and pray that I don't get sick. I always seem to walk off from a flight with the flu and an ass cramp. Shut the hell up! I know what you're thinking. Anyway, I'll post more shit when I land.