Lindsay Lohan

I can fault Lindsay Lohan for going out in public looking like a deep fried tonsil stone dragged through a wig cemetery, but I cannot fault this bitch's hustlin' game. If there's one thing Blohan's good at, besides reminding all of us what Meryl Streep looked like at the end of Death Becomes Her, it's trying to get shit for free. At the amfAR Gala in NYC on Wednesday night, LiLo, seen above after getting a whiff of her career's remains, slid next to a Canadian millionaire and used her cokey charm to try to get him to buy her a piece of joorees. Who needs shame and dignity when you've got a bag of 8-balls you bought after pawning a diamond watch some Canadian millionaire bought you at charity auction?

One of Page Six's sources claims that at the amfAR event, LiLo told everyone that she was there because she's playing Elizabeth Taylor in that Lifetime movie and the charity was close to La Liz's heart. But LiLo was really there to grift a bitch. The source says that right before the charity auction started, LiLo tried to sweeten up a Canadian financier type. Then when bidding started, LiLo's assistant came over and told the millionaire that LiLo wanted him to buy her a Hublot diamond watch. When LiLo's assistant says "Hublot," a Canadian millionaire says "No, YuBlo me." The millionaire laughed at LiLo's assistant and the watch sent to somebody else.

As expected, LiLo's rep says none of this happened.

Don't you sometimes wish that delusion powered your brain the same way it powers LiLo's? In LiLo's head, she's a gorgeous charming movie star who has such a charitable heart that she will accept an expensive gift from a Canadian millionaire. It's his pleasure to do so and the happiness he will feel from seeing his gift wrapped around her delicate wrist is priceless. That's what LiLo sees. But everybody else sees a sad crack ho begging for a cigarette outside of a White Castle at 6 in the morning. I know, I think I brought us all down with that Norma Desmond-ish image. But we should all be so lucky as to not give a fuck the same way LiLo doesn't give a fuck.

If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam's rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn't call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying "like death warmed over" to "like LiLo warmed over."

LiLo obviously doesn't have any friends, because a true friend wouldn't let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.

When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I'd tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.

Pervert extraordinaire Terry Richardson (aka the only photographer who takes Lindsay Lohan's picture nowadays) went to LiLo's free room at the Chateau Marmont to take her picture since she's got nothing else to do and stealing Ajax (to snort, of course) off of the housekeeper's cart doesn't take up her full day.

It wouldn't be a Blohan photo shoot if she wasn't dragging Marilyn and Elizabeth Taylor down with her, so there's that. In most of the pictures, Blohan looks like a 40-something bruised and busted desperate hooker who has been banned from every motel bar and now lounges against the cigarette machine in front of the Howard Johnson's hoping she can pick up some trucker dick. She's got that "If you ain't got cash, I'll give you a quick handy if you let me huff gas from your tank" matte twinkle in her eye.

In other words, I love this trashy shit. If you've had all your shots, you can see more of this mess at Terry's site (via IDLYITW).

Water is wet, I flicked at my nipple while using the neti pot this morning, Tommy Girl took his toast with a thick layer of nut butter and Lindsay Lohan allegedly snorted her way to fucked up and back on Sunday night. The headline "Lindsay Lohan Gets Loaded at Chateau Marmont" is about as shocking as the headline "Angelina Jolie Only Ate Air Today," but let's hear what Radar has to say about this mess anyway. Radar's source claims that at a SAG Awards party at Chateau Marmont on Sunday night, Blohan slurred her words and her eyes were so damn glassy that you could've cut a line on them. Apparently, she tried to look like the epitome of sober by only sipping on water, but her coke burnt nose told a different story. So said the source:

"Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time. When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay's eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted. [She] was definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point in the course of the night. Lindsay was sitting on a chair adjacent to Harvey Weinstein's party - his was roped off and she didn't get past the rope. So she sat on the other side looking over. She looked bedraggled and desperate."

Of course, LiLo's rep denies all of this.

The only language Lindsay Lohan knows is Drunk Slur and her pupils are just naturally constricted now, so it would really be news if she was talking without a slur and walking without tripping over herself. But I CAN'T with her hibernating in the bathroom all night. Who does she think she is? Kim Richards from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I hate that shit. That is why going to certain places is the worst. There's always some cokehead cokejacking the bathroom when all you want to do is take a quick caca, because you made the wrong decision of drinking a White Russian. You know how some bathrooms have a baby changing station? Chateau Marmont needs a coke snorting station just for Blohan. Let the non-snorters shit!

If Lindsay Lohan isn't pushing ridiculous lawsuits out of her lawyer's ass, her lawyer's ass is taking ridiculous lawsuits filed against her. Remember during Lindsay Lohan's crackier days when she nearly sent a sunglasses-wearing child to Jesus when clipped the kid's stroller wheel with her Maserati? (Click here if you want to dip back into the fuckery to relive the coked-up memories.) The kid's soul was scarred, because she stared into the eyes of a meth-faced ghost, but other than that she rolled away without any injures. But the nanny pushing the kid is now saying that she got injured and she wants some cash from LiLo.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (which I'm pretty sure is the same name as one of the queens on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race) filed a lawsuit in L.A. yesterday claiming that she got messed up physically during the September 2010 accident (or was it?). Radar says that Nubia Del Carmen Preza is also suing the car company who let LiLo use their Maserati.

At the time, LiLo denied clipping the stroller, but she'll also deny she's a coke whore to your face while she's got an 8-ball up her nostril and a drug dealer's peen up her poon (or vice versa, depending on her mood). Nubia never filed a report with the police department and this lawsuit is the first time anyone has ever heard about her so-called injuries.

It's obvious that Nubia is straight scamming a trick and she's estúpida for doing so. Nubia is a Latina who isn't famous. LiLo is a white celebwhore who has proven time and time again that the justice system is her personal bitch. Six seconds after they stroll into court, LiLo will be pardoned for EVERYTHING and Nubia will be sentenced to 3 years in a mythical place we've never heard of called an "overcrowded-proof jail."

The late Elizabeth Taylor's effort to possess the body of Judge Stephanie before sentencing Lindsay Lohan to Death Row so she can't barf all over the image of La Liz in a new Lifetime biopic failed today. Because LiLo was in court for another probation hearing and Judge Stephanie slipped on a Hazmat-made rubber glove to pat her head for doing what she's supposed to do. BORING! But the day wasn't completely a loss, because right before LiLo strolled into court, a process server served her with a reasonable and accurate lawsuit. No, Sebastian Bach is not suing LiLo for stealing his 2010 look. A man named Thomas A. Green is suing LiLo for $300,000 claiming she went back on a business deal with him, because he was close to uncovering the truth about her involvement in the death of Osama Bin Laden. Naturally.

TMZ says that the 12 page, handwritten lawsuit looks about as crazy as a letter to a fan Lindsay Lohan writes on the back of a cocktail napkin after one of the voices in her head tells her that the potted plant in the corner wants an autograph. Thomas, a former U.S. marine who regularly has hallucinations, writes in the lawsuit that during a Facebook conversation with LiLo, she said she would help to promote his dot-com business. When LiLo started tip toeing away from the deal, Thomas found out that she had a huge part in the killing of Bin Laden and is a high-class prostitution whore. Thomas scribbled this in the lawsuit:

"[Thomas] set out to command [Lohan] to twitter and stated if [Lohan] acknowledges this is an Osoma Bin Ladden op all civilians in past wrong doing will receive clemency.

[Lohan] might be a high end prostitute."

TMZ also called him a delusional crazy and White Oprah resembles that comment! You know, I was mad at TMZ for calling this absolutely sane man "delusional," but then I read the part where Thomas refers to LiLo as a "high end" prostitute. HIGH END? That's like saying rust water from a toilet tank is top shelf liquor. The only way LiLo can use the words "high end" in her escort ad is if she means that you have to sprinkle a little coke on her b-hole before you stick it in.

There really is a fine line between a Lohan and a delusional sometimes-homeless crazy person, and LiLo snorted up that line a long time ago, so White Oprah should adopt this dude. They need to put their differences aside, because delusional crazies belong together.

When the lure of an open bar calls, Lindsay Lohan can't resist and ignores a small technicality called not being on the list. "Where's there's a backdoor, there's a way!" is Blohan's officially life motto and she means that in more ways than one.

The NYDN says that on Wednesday night, the Weinstein Company threw a pre-Golden Globes party at Chateau Marmont and The Little Crackie Who Can wasn't officially invited, but she got in by sneaking through the hotel's back entrance. That Blohan. She's like the Lucille Ball of the cokey set. This is just like that episode of I Love Lucy where Lucy got into an A-list Hollywood party by giving a hand and lick job to a catering waiter in exchange for his uniform and tray. LAUGHS! The source puts Blohan's shenanigans like this:

On Wednesday the Weinstein Company hosted a pre-Globes party at the Chateau Marmont in L.A., and an insider says Lohan snuck in via the hotel’s back entrance. She then “made her way to the entrance for photo ops,” where the Weinstein firm’s Globe nominees, Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo from “The Artist” and Kenneth Branagh and Michelle Williams from “My Week With Marilyn,” were being snapped. Bradley Cooper also showed.

You really sort of have to hand to this bitch. She has zero dignity to speak of, shame isn't her friend and her "give a fuck place" in her brain has pretty much been eaten away by brown kitty litter she thought was coke in the raw. With those kind of attributes, why is she not running for the GOP nomination?! I'd vote for her, because then every cop car would have a stocked mini bar in its backseat and "F U" would count as a plea in a court of law.

Here's Blohan at another Weinstein party last night giving us "Old Lady from Drag Me To Hell" chic and working every inch of that prolapsed rectum on her mouth. I bet when LiLo blew that air kiss, every cokehead started sniffing the air hoping that some of that shit in her nose made its way out too. Snort it while you can!

"At least that raggedy crackamuffin bitch is shitting on your grave instead of mine for a change!" is what Marilyn Monroe said to Elizabeth Taylor up in the smoking lounge in heaven last night after Deadline reported that Lifetime is willing to go bankrupt from spending all of its money on prosthetics, CGI, sandblast equipment and black magic to turn Lindsay Lohan into a Elizabeth Taylor for a biopic. Lifetime can officially change its slogan from Lifetime: Television for Women into Lifetime: We Just Don't Give A Fuck Anymore.

This mess, which doesn't make sense, would make sense if LiLo was going to play Last Days Liz or Currently In The Grave Liz, but she's in talks to play a young Elizabeth Taylor in Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. Who the hell is going to play Richard Burton? Pete Doherty? (Okay, I'd erase everything in my Tivo to record that mess.)

You know, I'm all for HoHan tripping her way up to a Drew Barrymore-like comeback and she probably sees this Lifetime shit as her own personal Amy Fisher TV movie, but she just isn't the one to play La Liz. This is ILLEGAL! Liz had a voice like a sweet piece of velvet and HoHan has a voice like a sweet piece of velvet after it got ran over by a semi-truck, used as toilet paper by a homeless junkie and chewed up by a crackhouse rat. The only ho in the world of Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay Lohan should play is Larry Fortensky.

La Liz herself said it best:

You hear that, Lifetime? Unless you're planning on digging up Liz's corpse, just stop! Actually, maybe that's not a bad idea. Liz's corpse would look better on camera, give a more believable performance and would never get caught doing lines with her mother on the toilet seat in her bathroom trailer.

Have you ever tried to type while you're laughing your ass off??  Then you'll forgive the typos when I tell you that Lindsay Lohan is a changed woman ahahahaha no seriously hahahaha... AHEM!  SHE HAS CHANGED!!  TMZ says that Lilo has turned down numerous (hey, two counts as numerous) offers to host NYE parties because she desperately wants to change her party girl image.

Sometimes at night I suddenly sit up straight in bed, covered in sweat and barely slapping my mouth shut on the scream that wants to shatter windows (my partner: "What are you DOING? Fuck, go back to sleep. Jesus. (pause) Did you fart?"). What was so terrifying that I have this cinema queen reaction?

It's the thought that someday the ancient astronauts who started this grand experiment are going to return to see the results. They're going to pick a couple of humans to investigate to see what their efforts have wrought, and then decide if we're worth continuing. Who will they pick, you ask? Will it be Nobel Peace Prize winner Ellen Johnson Sirleaf? Frank DeMartini and Pablo Ortiz? These people?   It would have to be this guy, right?

Fuck, no. It's going to be Michael Lohan. The star gods will check him out for about ten seconds, shake their heads, and open a black hole in the center of our planet (SCIENCE!) and we'll all die screaming cuz' of this dumb motherfucka of famesuck. Thanks, asshole.

 Papa Lohan went on Dr. Drew's Lifechangers show (Pinsky's become a bit of a famesuck himself) to talk about the Photoshop renderings Lindsay Lohan posed for in Playboy. It looked like an infomercial for how Men's Wearhouse changed Mr. Lohan's life. Despite having a bone on in his trousers over A) his daughter in Playboy and B) getting a live studio audience to play "doting father of celebrity fuckup" in front of, Mr. Lohan went for the Cable Ace acting award.

"I haven't seen it and I won't look at it. I've never looked at it," he tells Pinsky. "I heard it's 'classy'....she did some movies that were a little risque at times and I couldn't even go to the movies and watch them." 

Lying sack of spew! He jacked on them SO HARD. People with cell phones clipped to their belts are either the nicest albeit most clueless guys in the world or the pages of their personal copy of their junkie daughter's Playboy debut are stuck together. He would be the latter. Mr. Lohan considers Lohan showing off her milky goodness for the general public a "move" that's positive because it means she's "working". Yes, she's showing the maximum effort.

Lohan reportedly goes on to express concern over Lohan's sea jasper use and her getting involved with "the wrong people". Bitch could be getting mani/pedis with Casey Anthony and Leatherface and she would still be better off than with you.

Papa Lohan also reveals his ex-girlfriend Kate Minor (in Stupid, the one he seems to regularly beat the shit out of, and who inspires dramatic cunt moves like leaping out of windows and faking heart attacks) might be carrying his latest big mistake. Sweet Jesus.

"Before I went in, she thought that she might be pregnant," Michael says. "When she left her dads house, she left some medication and her pills there and she was off the pill for like four or five days and of course we had sex...so there was a chance...from what I understand now, she says she's pregnant or she could be. Evidently she is taking the test so she thinks she might be."

Of course they had sex. Who could resist a man who just kicked you in the face and whose pet name for you is "Cunt"? Romance.

This dude is SUCH a junkie for the camera/gossip column item/blog post that you can almost see him QUIVERING in lust as Drew sinks the needle into his arm. What a sad piece of shit. He definitely made valedictorian at the Joe Simpson Academy For Completely Inappropriate Fathers, though.