Salma Hayek

Yeah, I know Salma Hayek and her sugar beard cancelled their contract, but she still has that "billionaire glow" about her. Nothing is better than going out and spending money on stupid shit. Especially when it's not your fucking money. Seriously, I can never find one bad thing to say about this hot bitch. Okay, the only negative thing I have to say is that she should be wearing high heels. Rich ladies should only wear high heels wherever they go. Flats are for the poor.

I also can't get enough of her Pampers commercial for UNICEF. I stop my Tivo every time it comes on. Nobody says "one packa Pampers" the way she does.

Here's Salma, Valentina and some small person in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Salma Hayek and her magnificent chichis will not be marrying French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. The couple of 2 years issued this statement to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment."

WHAT?! This was not the plan. Salma was supposed to stuff her melonitas into a million-dollar wedding dress and marry that rich bitch without a prenup. Prenups are for amateurs! Then she was supposed trick him into having an affair, take pictures, leak them to the press and play the "humiliated wife" role. Voila! Instant millions!

That way she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and tell the natives to stick a cooche in it. Salma, Penny Cruz and Baby Valentina would live happily ever after in their gayelle paradise.

Yes, I know she's going to get millions for having his baby, but you can never have too much money. You can never be too rich and your chichis can never be too big.

Salma Hayek and Baby Valentina made a rare appearance in Malibu yesterday. Salma has been keeping Baby Valentina away from the paps because she's pretty protective. Mama Salma has been known to attack a pap for getting to close to her cub. Totally hot.

Unfortunately for me, Salma covered up her bodacious chichis. I understand. There are children around and her exposed rack is definitely Rated R.

Baby Valentina is all sort of precious, but I'm still giving her the side-eye. Even the cutest of babies manage to barf and drool on you.

Who the fuck did this to Salma Hayek?! Her personal fake eyelash applier must be executed! This is not acceptable. It's also not acceptable that Salma kept her chichis to herself. Salma has the greatest chichis in the business and she must show them off. A falling lash and covered up chichis. I'm disappointed! Penny Cruz would not be pleased.

Salma attended the Cannes premiere of "Indiana Jones and the Battle for the Last Cialis Pill" tonight. Harrison Ford brought his mummy to the premiere. Oh, silly me. That's Calista Flockhart. The bitch looks so frail. She needs an Ensure. I've also thrown in some Cate Blanchett. Perfect as usual. Boooring.

No, I'm not talking about her baby daddy. I'm talking about a real beard! Salma Hayek has to wear fake pubies on her face for some circus movie she's shooting in New Orleans. This woman is a hot piece no matter what. At least they made sure her pube beard didn't completely cover her magnificent chichis.

Note to David Beckham: This is how you work a pube beard.

Here's more of bearded chichis with baby Valentina.

Salma Hayek told Glamour Magazine that when she was knocked up with her daughter, she was really hoping for a boy. She said, "I have something to confess, I wanted a boy. Probably because I was afraid. I think women suffer more a bit more than boys, and there is always conflict between mother and daughters.

"But now that she's here, I'm so happy she's a girl. And I can't imagine there ever being conflict between us, because I'm in a state of innocence where I love everything she does."

Lesbos usually want to have little boys. I'm the opposite. I don't know what I would do with a little boy. If I ever got pregnant (my ovaries are stronger than yours) I would want a girl. You can't put a boy in cute dresses and a tiara. Well, you can, but then they will grow up having major issues. Every pregnant chick I have talked to said they are hoping for a boy. Bitches don't want the competition!

P.S. - This pic of Salma is old as hell, but I miss her mega chichis.

VIA UsWeekly

Follow the flower to Salma Hayke's chichi kingdom! At least I think that's the flower or it could be a splattered butterfly. I'm not sure. Rich people are so weird. They will wear anything. Chichis! Chichis! Salma's chichis always make me happy. Probably because they look like the ample buttocks of a Czech twink!

Here's Salma at The Art of Elysium party in Beverly Hills last night.

Salma Hayek protected her young while leaving her NYC hotel yesterday. Paps were trying to get pictures of her baby, but Salma wasn't having it. She went after one photographer. Get them girl! She should have whipped off her top and jiggled those giant breasts around. She would have knocked them all out with just a couple of twirls. They would have been begging for mammary mercy.

Splash, Wenn

The gorgeous creature known as Salma Hayek made a rare appearance at Madonna's circle jerk last night. Although her giant pregnant chi-chis have deflated a bit, she is still perfect. I don't know why I get wet over her. She's so normal, but there's mystery there. I just want to hear her whisper, "Escandalo" over and over and over and over again.

That necklace is like a sparkling river cascading between two bodacious mountains. Her sugar daddy isn't bad either, but that's only because he's richer than Hannah Montana.

Wenn,Splashnewsonline.com

Salma Hayek is looking hotter than ever. She left her baby and oldie olsen boyfriend at home to attend the opening of the Sergio Rossi store in Beverly Hills last night. What Salma needs to do is stay away from Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe. Chupa looks like she needs the blood of a virgin STAT. I'm waiting for her to break out into hysterics and beg for the One Ring to finally free her. Chupa! Stop wasting Salma's time and go and get your ring back from Bilbo Baggins.

I adore Salma. Hopefully this is her only meeting with Chupa.