Salma Hayek

The current VP of the Magnificent Chichis Alliance, Salma Hayek, went to the the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles on Wednesday night all ready to get her eat on, but the restaurant's hostess tried to block her from feeding her hunger. BITCH HONGRAY! According to Radar, Salma showed up with a few friends and without a reservation. When the hostess told Salma that she didn't have a table for them, the chichis hit the floor!

Apparently, a hurricane of Spanish words came pouring out of Salma's mouth. The hostess tried to calm Salma down by telling her she could have the next available table, but that still didn't stop her. When Salma's girlfriends finally told her to turn it off, she cooled down a bit and started bitching in English. Salma only stopped when the hostess finally seated them.

Salma, that's why you stop at McDonald's for an appetizer before you get to the restaurant! When the hostess at IHOP hands me one of those stupid vibrating pagers and tells me to wait, I simply stick a fry in my mouth hole to keep from bitching her ass out for keeping me from delicious pancakes.

And I bet Salma's chichis of wonder look amaaaaaaazing when she gets mad. Like two volcanos ready to BURST FORTH! I'm surprised her heaving angry bosom didn't knock out one of the hostess' eyes.

UPDATE: Salma's rep says this story is made out of LIES!!!!!!!!!

Salma Hayek, her miracle chichis and François-Henri Pinault all got married for a second time over the weekend in Venice. The first time Salma married money bags it was one of those fast weddings at city hall in Paris, so Francois didn't really get a chance to show everyone how really fucking rich he is. That's what the second wedding was for.

This shit looks like it was too fancy for my ass. I would've been asking for mini-bagel-pizzas and sparking Andre. Damn. I mean, they were even wearing masks. Rich people are so weird. I bet they had butt wipers wearing tuxedos in every bathroom stall and drank champagne out of crystal flutes filled with diamonds. I can't hate, because Salma that money, so she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and freely frolic on the beaches with her down-low partner in pussy Penny Cruz. Speaking of, you know Penny had to bite on a dildo when the preacher asked if anybody objected to this shit!

Here's all the fancies leaving or arriving at the Queen Chichis wedding. Guests included Anna Wintour, Penny Cruz, Javier Bardem, Gael Garcia Bernal, Lily Cole, Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, Zhang Ziyi and Bono. When Salma's chichis fully cover from this party, she better do something about the swine flu. The cure is in her miracle chichis.

Yeah, Francois-Henri Pinault is looking at us like "Those world-saving chichis are all mine!" And that's because Francois married those tittays o' plenty on Valentine's Day in Paris! You know, he slipped up and said, "I Francois, take you beautiful chichis...." I mean, we all would.

Le Point (via People) says Francois and Salma Hayek became husband and chichis at the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in Paris. The Mayor confirmed that shit.

Francois started titty fucking Salma back in 2007. They got engaged in March 2007, popped out their baby Valentina in September 2007 and then called off their engagement in July of 2008. They got back together this past September.

Francois uses Gucci bags to wipe his asshole, basically. He's the CEO of PPR who owns Gucci and other luxury brands. Last year, Forbes estimated his worth at $16.9 billion. It's good to know that Francois will have the money to replace his nose when it falls off from over-motorboating Salma's magical titty balls.

I didn't think it was possible for me to adore Salma Hayek anymore than I already do!! When she's not busy saving the world with her wonder leche, she's digging for gold! I doubt there's a pre-nup involved. Francois asked her to sign one, but she jiggled her bitties a bit which hypnotized him to forget all about that stupid document! In a quick minute, Salma will have all the cash she needs to buy the Isle of Lesbos for Penny Cruz. They will rename it the Isle of Chichis, naturally. That's my idea of heaven.

Yesterday, I posted a video of Salma Hayek using her chichis of wonder to save a starving baby in Sierra Leone. I joked that the baby is now a mega genius who can solve the world's most impossible problems. Well, that was no joke. Salma's miracle chichis really do turn babies into little prodigies.

During an interview with that troll Rachael Ray and Rachael's buff gymnast titties, Salma said her 16-month-old daughter Valentina can already speak three languages. She speaks English, French and Spanish. Damn and fuck! I can't even get English right and that baby has got me beat. Eff night classes at Sylvan Learning Center. I need to get schooled by Valentina. Or maybe I just need to nuzzle on Salma's chichis and they will give me all the answers.

Salma also went on to say that her daughter sees ghosts! "Last night she woke up and her eyes were open. And she's looking at one specific point and she's going, 'No no no no, au revoir,' which means goodbye in French ... And she's looking at someone, but there's no one there. was so scared, and I'm like, 'Yes, au revoir, whoever you are, get out!' And then she started saying it in English: 'Bye bye, bye bye!' I guess she was trying in different languages to see what nationality this ghost was to go away. It was terrifying!"

Homegirl was showing off her premium language skills. And it was just Einstein's spirit visiting her genius ass. Valentina tutors him at night.

VIA People

Last week, I babbled about Salma Hayek saving the world with her magnificent chichis by feeding a sick child in Sierra Leone. Well, here's the video! Skip to the 5:25 mark to see Salma's magic at work. They didn't show this part, but minutes after the baby's lips touched her chichi, his hair grew to the ground, he gained 20-pounds and he grew a couple of feet. He could also recite Finnegans Wake by heart and got his PHD in Calculus in a quick minute.

Salma also said that her great abuelita breastfed a stranger's hungry child back in the day. So feeding the world with her miracle chichis runs in Salma's blood!

Angie Jo who? All hail Saint Salma!

(Thanks Billy)

Salma Hayek is single-handedly feeding the hungry children of the world with her magnificent chichis of wonder! Salma recently went on a trip for UNICEF to Sierra Leone and encountered a starving child whose mommy had no milk. What did Salma do? Well, she whipped out her miracle mammies and let the baby suckle! I want to see St. Angelina do that shit. Yeah, right!

On Today (via CM) yesterday morning, Kathie Lee's drunk ass asked Salma, "You found a child that was starving to death, the mother had no milk - and you nursed that baby?" Salma nodded and added, "It's about women sticking together and we really need to help the children in any way we can."

Chelsea Handler was talking about this shit last night on her show and joked that grown men are going to start dressing up like babies just to lick on Salma's chichis. I co-sign that. I'm about to pull out the ruffled onesie I always keep in my closet "just in case." I'm going to put that bitch on and start goo-goo ga-ga-ing around Salma.

Seriously, Salma's chichis are the new Mother Theresa.

I bet if Salma went down to Wall Street and started shaking her bodacious bitties, the recession would suddenly end!

In 2004, Salma Hayek and Colin Farrell made a shit show together called Ask the Dust. Never heard of it? That's because it's busy collecting dust in the back of every Blockbuster video that's still open (insert grim face here). While they were filming Blockbuster's future least-rented movie, they got it on. It didn't last long, because Colin was a busted mess back then.

Colin now claims he's all cleaned up and is ready to romance Salma a second time. Star Magazine (via TOTI) says that at the Golden Globes a couple of weeks ago, Colin got close to Salma's golden globes. Some nosy ho said, "While they were both backstage, he held her face and kissed her several times. It was very intimate, not just like they were pals."

Salma, Salma, Salma, never get involved with a Colin Farrell. He will never worship your holy tittays the way they deserve to be worshiped. Just let him motorboat for a few seconds, squirt a little Palmolive in his hair (please do that), give him some cab money and send him on his way.

Seriously, Salma deserves someone who will recite sweet poetry to her chichis every night. And bathe them in cocoa butter every morning. Someone who will skip with them through fields of flowers and gently hold them when they get frightened during a lightning storm. Someone who will bow every time they enter a room and weep every time they exit.

Colin won't do any of that. He'll just say, "You've got nice tits. Can I drop my jizz party on them, babe?" Blasphemy!

Salma Hayek will probably be getting thousands of letters from sick fuck dudes willing to suck on her magnificent leche balls in order to feed her addiction to breastfeeding. Salma said that she just can't stop breastfeeding her 13-month-old daughter Valentina.

She told Style Magazine (via FoxNews), "I'm like an alcoholic. It is like, I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can't stop. The myth that says you lose all this weight when you breastfeed! That is so not true! It's like, please, will everyone stop telling me I look really well."

Salma's chichis are the 8th World Wonder, so I care about their well-being. Salma must check herself into Promises before it's late. She's going to start traveling around the world, sticking her titty melon into the mouths of any baby she comes across. And when she runs out of babies, she's going to move on to toddlers and then... Well, hopefully it never gets to that.

Dear Salma, watch this clip below. Don't let this happen to you!!!

Thanks Jill

Salma Hayek knows what's good, so I'm going to assume that curtain tieback around her head is a Phoebe Price original. If it is, I'm sure we'll see international supermodel Phoebe Price running up and down Robertson Blvd. while posing with Salma's picture. If it's not, I don't want to know. Salma can do no wrong in my book and I don't need something to hold against her. Lie to me, Salma!

I can also overlook the fact that Salma kept her magnificent chichis to herself last night by not making sit up and smile for the cameras. They needed the night off. Also, I'm completely turning my head at the effed up shit her make-up bitch did to her face. Only Casper and a few cholas I know can pull off that shade of powder.

Here's Salma an Art of Elysium benefit in NYC last night. I also threw in a few pictures of Mary Alice Stephenson from "America's Most Smartest Model," because I miss Mandy Lynn and Mary shared a room with her once.

Damn. Looking at Salma Hayek's succulent breastes never gets old. There's only a few things I could look at all day: "Cops," kittens playing with yarn and Salma's wondrous chichis.

Salma's rack is like a Magic Eye poster. If you stare at them long enough, you start to see other things. Sometimes I see two lil' babies sleeping under a manger. Other times I see two cantaloupes ripening in the summer sun. And one time I even saw Locke from "Lost" cuddling with Paul Shaffer.

Here's Salma with her adorable and totally rich daughter Valentina shooting "30 Rock" with Alec Baldwin in Brooklyn today. I wonder if Alec cooed at Valentina and said, "Awww. What a rude lil' pig."