Salma Hayek

It's a dreary fucking day and about to rain, but I still have the sudden urge to brave the nasty weather and go motorboating! It has everything to do with Salma Hayek's magnificent chichis! Damn. I didn't expect to see those things this morning. I usually take my coffee with just sugar, but I'll have a little leche today.

It's like seeing the Grand Canyon. I know it's real, but it's a little too spectacular to believe. These are chichis that can save the world!

I know I'm gayer than two pink unicorns doing the Macarena at the Rainbow Disco, but I just want to curl up in those things. It's warm and safe in there. The world is falling apart, but everything is alright in between Salma's wondrous titties.

Here's more of Salma on the German show "Wetten Dass" giving Swiss Miss a run for her money. Seriously, Salma's chichis should replace that bitch as the new "face" of Swiss Miss. Even Karl Lagerfeld is having trouble resisting the urge to take the old motor boat out.

Salma Hayek and her glorious chichis went on Britain's "This Morning" show today to talk about her campaign with UNICEF and Pampers (I love the way she says "Pampers") to eradicate tetanus, when the lezzie cat was almost let out of the toobelt.

On live television, Salma said she was half Lebanese. One of the show's hosts, Eamonn Holmes, had trouble hearing what she said and asked, "You're a lesbian?" Salma laughed it off and slowly said she was LEBANESE. Eamonn ended things by saying, "Oh sorry, I thought you were half lesbian. Forgive me."

I see what Eamonn was doing there. He was trying to catch Salma pussy handed! Eamonn, next time Salma says she's half Lebanese. Don't ask her if she's half lesbian. Just shout, "You like to chow on the pussy?!" Gayelles respond better to bluntness.

Source: Daily Mail

Magnificent chichi owner Salma Hayek was at the Balenciaga fashion show in Paris today with her ex-sugar daddy Francois-Henri Pinault. F.H.P. (as his friends call him and we're all his friends) is also the father of Salma's kid and the owner of Balenciaga.

Some nosy bitch watched their asses at the show and told People: "[They were] very friendly together, looking happy. They weren't holding hands but were definitely side by side." That must mean they are back together and she's having his twins. Wait. If they were sitting side by side that means she's having triplets! Triple the cash!

Another source said Salma and F.H.P. have been hanging around in Paris together for a few days now. They were also spotted in Los Angeles together a few weeks ago.

After today's show, the two went back to the Plaza-Athénée where Salma is staying. Their daughter greeted them in the lobby.

They could be making nice for the sake of the kid, but I hope they are back together. They make a beautiful couple. She has gorgeous titties and he is so fucking rich looking. I look at him and my eyes become sparkly green dollar signs like in the cartoons. Besides, Salma needs to finish her gold digging mission by marrying Mr. Money Bags.

Yeah, I know Salma Hayek and her sugar beard cancelled their contract, but she still has that "billionaire glow" about her. Nothing is better than going out and spending money on stupid shit. Especially when it's not your fucking money. Seriously, I can never find one bad thing to say about this hot bitch. Okay, the only negative thing I have to say is that she should be wearing high heels. Rich ladies should only wear high heels wherever they go. Flats are for the poor.

I also can't get enough of her Pampers commercial for UNICEF. I stop my Tivo every time it comes on. Nobody says "one packa Pampers" the way she does.

Here's Salma, Valentina and some small person in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Salma Hayek and her magnificent chichis will not be marrying French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. The couple of 2 years issued this statement to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment."

WHAT?! This was not the plan. Salma was supposed to stuff her melonitas into a million-dollar wedding dress and marry that rich bitch without a prenup. Prenups are for amateurs! Then she was supposed trick him into having an affair, take pictures, leak them to the press and play the "humiliated wife" role. Voila! Instant millions!

That way she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and tell the natives to stick a cooche in it. Salma, Penny Cruz and Baby Valentina would live happily ever after in their gayelle paradise.

Yes, I know she's going to get millions for having his baby, but you can never have too much money. You can never be too rich and your chichis can never be too big.

Salma Hayek and Baby Valentina made a rare appearance in Malibu yesterday. Salma has been keeping Baby Valentina away from the paps because she's pretty protective. Mama Salma has been known to attack a pap for getting to close to her cub. Totally hot.

Unfortunately for me, Salma covered up her bodacious chichis. I understand. There are children around and her exposed rack is definitely Rated R.

Baby Valentina is all sort of precious, but I'm still giving her the side-eye. Even the cutest of babies manage to barf and drool on you.

Who the fuck did this to Salma Hayek?! Her personal fake eyelash applier must be executed! This is not acceptable. It's also not acceptable that Salma kept her chichis to herself. Salma has the greatest chichis in the business and she must show them off. A falling lash and covered up chichis. I'm disappointed! Penny Cruz would not be pleased.

Salma attended the Cannes premiere of "Indiana Jones and the Battle for the Last Cialis Pill" tonight. Harrison Ford brought his mummy to the premiere. Oh, silly me. That's Calista Flockhart. The bitch looks so frail. She needs an Ensure. I've also thrown in some Cate Blanchett. Perfect as usual. Boooring.

No, I'm not talking about her baby daddy. I'm talking about a real beard! Salma Hayek has to wear fake pubies on her face for some circus movie she's shooting in New Orleans. This woman is a hot piece no matter what. At least they made sure her pube beard didn't completely cover her magnificent chichis.

Note to David Beckham: This is how you work a pube beard.

Here's more of bearded chichis with baby Valentina.

Salma Hayek told Glamour Magazine that when she was knocked up with her daughter, she was really hoping for a boy. She said, "I have something to confess, I wanted a boy. Probably because I was afraid. I think women suffer more a bit more than boys, and there is always conflict between mother and daughters.

"But now that she's here, I'm so happy she's a girl. And I can't imagine there ever being conflict between us, because I'm in a state of innocence where I love everything she does."

Lesbos usually want to have little boys. I'm the opposite. I don't know what I would do with a little boy. If I ever got pregnant (my ovaries are stronger than yours) I would want a girl. You can't put a boy in cute dresses and a tiara. Well, you can, but then they will grow up having major issues. Every pregnant chick I have talked to said they are hoping for a boy. Bitches don't want the competition!

P.S. - This pic of Salma is old as hell, but I miss her mega chichis.

VIA UsWeekly

Follow the flower to Salma Hayke's chichi kingdom! At least I think that's the flower or it could be a splattered butterfly. I'm not sure. Rich people are so weird. They will wear anything. Chichis! Chichis! Salma's chichis always make me happy. Probably because they look like the ample buttocks of a Czech twink!

Here's Salma at The Art of Elysium party in Beverly Hills last night.