Hunks

Don't laugh. This is what Lindsay Lohan is going to look like in 2 years.

It's Carrot Bottom with some poor girl at CatHouse in Las Vegas last night. I'm sure she was disappointed when she discovered Carrot Bottom's baby carrot. With that being said, I'd hit it. Well, I like the ginges!

I need a bottle of Sominex, a book of lullabies, a sexy sheep costume, a BeautyRest body pillow and a Gloworm, because Javier Bardem is exhausted. He needs my help.

Variety reports that Javier has dropped out of the film "Nine," because he needs his beauty sleep.

Javier was supposed to play the lead role in the film adaptation of the stage musical about a director and the women in his life. It is loosely based on Fellini's 8 1/2.

Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard and Sophia Loren have already signed on to star in the movie for director Rob Marshall. Nicole Kidman and Judi Dench are still in negotiations.

Javier's people said he loved the script and wanted to work with Rob, but he's just too exhausted from work and awards seasons. He needs a full year of rest.

They need to cancel that shit. Sorry. The movie cannot go on without Javier! The only other man that can play Guido Contini is Pete Doherty and he's busy right now.

Don't worry Javier! I'm coming! Watch this video while you wait for me. It will make you feel sleepy and safe.

Source - Image: GMIU

If Robert Buckley wanted me to eat the jam from his toes, I would grab a box of Ritz crackers, a cheese knife and I would go to town. A dude with a body like that could only mean one thing....pencil peen! There has to be something physically wrong with me. That's ok, I can put quadruple up on condoms. It will add girth.

You may know Robert from "Lipstick Jungle," but I know this whore from that diarrhea show called "Fashion House." My TV hasn't fully recovered from me licking the screen every time he came on. Seriously, have you ever licked a TV screen? It shocks a little bit. I kind of like it.

Anyway, Robert is currently shooting "Flirting with 40" in Hawaii with Heather Locklear. Here's the walking fuck machine talking to Heather and Jack Wagner on set today. Even Jack wants to lick that shit.

Adrien Brody is slowly melting my tar heart by continuing to have a fraudulent relationship with that Elsa chick. I have nothing against the broad, but she better step off if she doesn't want her face on a milk carton. That gorgeous Afghan Hound belongs to me and not her. The tattoo on my nalgas proves it. Not really, but if Adrien wanted me to ink my foreskin with his initials, I'd do it. Ugh, they are totally going to have beautiful Afghan Hound puppies together. Bringin' on the heartbreak...

Here's Adrien with homewrecker at a party for Conde Nasty Traveler in NYC on Thursday night. I've also added some Milo Ventimiglia, because I know you whores get sticky for him. Oh and this post would not be complete without Lady Miss Kier.

Michelle Rodriguez talked to Latina Magazine about all the rumors that she likes to feast on the seafood cocktail. MRod has refused to answer the "are you or aren't you" question, but it's pretty clear that homey is not strictly dickly.

MRod said, "What the majority of [people] want to know is what I'm doing with my vagina, and I think that that's sick." Well, since you put it that way.

She went on to say, "I think that they wonder because I'm such a tomboy. And I don't care about what I look like most of the time. You'll see me walking around in my jeans for the most part. I'm pretty much a tough ass. You don’t see that type of shit in a lot of women." Tis not true! I see that shit in a lot of women. I see that in women like Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Melissa Etheridge, KD Lang, Jodie Foster, Cynthia Nixon's dude and Clay Gayken.

MRod also has sexy words for the bloggers and journalists that always try to out her, "I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off."

Yup, that pretty much describes me after I've eaten too many Mallomars. Jacking off while you've eaten too many Mallomars seriously takes your O to a whole new level. I think it's the gas.

And finally MRod said, "I don't answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it's nobody's business. If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog—that's my business. That's why there's bathroom doors."

Kinky bitch! I knew she was the type to eat pussy on the toilet.

MRod's right. It's her business if she wants to fuck a cat, dog, lizard, parrot, rabbit, dude, chick, hamster or snail. She doesn't owe anybody anything.

That being said, I can smell her twatty breath from here.

Just when I was starting to get hot for Robert Downey Jr.'s pube beard, he goes and takes a razor to it. Either way, the dude is still a sexy pepaw. He just needs to give Elton John his sunglasses back.

Robert showed off his new turtle face at the Australian premiere of "Iron Man" yesterday. I hope this movie works out for him, because he's been whoring himself out hardcore for this shit.

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber were also at the premiere last night. I'm pretty sure Liev's gay bear beard is for a movie role.

Gerard Butler is not dating Cameron Diaz and he wants that to be known.

Gerard was asked by photographers about the rumors that he's screwing America's favorite pizza face and he said, "If I take a dog for a walk, apparently I'm fucking my dog!"

The dog would probably be better in the sack.

Click here to see the video of Gerard saying it.

Mario Lopez in "A Chorus Line" on Broadway is the gay gift that keeps on gaying and the shit hasn't opened yet! It opens on Tax Day aka April 15th. Ugh, tax day. GROSS! The IRS should just come get me now.

Anyway, a bunch of photographers were invited to one of his rehearsals today to witness the graceful power of AC Slater!

He should break out this dance during curtain call:

This is an example on how pubies on the face could work for a man and how it could also make him look like a peyote chewing, roadside killer. Wait, since I've mentioned peyote....is that shit any good? E-mail me!

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. does facial hair good. The truth of the matter is that Rob Do could have hair on his teeth and I would still get with that. He keeps his shit trimmed and clean. He doesn't have any tricks in there. He keeps it classic.

Johnathon Schaech on the other hand, needs to take a razor to that shit on his way to the tanning bed. He already looks like death died on his face and the facial pubies are not helping his case. Even Skeletor is saying, "Damn, he looks beat." That sucks, because I used to foam out of every hole for this fella.

The other trouble with facial hair is, how do you keep shit from getting in it? It's already embarrassing when you have stains on your clothes from quick sexy times. Can you imagine chunky jizz in the beard? Illegal. And no it's not a slow news day, I just think about these kind of things. Blame it on the 4 Snoballs I just ate.

Here's more pics of Johnny at the premiere of Prom Night and Rob Do at a photocall for Iron Man in Mexico City.

Nobody had the heart to tell Mickey Rourke he was trying to put the ciggie out on the wrong end. Seriously, Mickey could put a ciggie out on his face and not even feel it. His skin is made from non-biodegradable materials. Nothing is happening to that mask. Mankind will end, but Mickey's face will stay on forever!

Mickey stopped into the Waverly Inn in NYC last night. I'm sure he ate a lot, but everybody around him probably lost their appetite.

And since I left a crusty taste in your mouth with Mickey, let me give you a little Clive Owen to cleanse your palette.