Fox411 is saying that Kellan Lutz, the other piece in Twatlight who isn't Taylor Lautner or RPattz, has just signed a deal to star in an underwear campaign for Calvin Klein. And not just any campaign. Sources say the hos at Calvin Klein want Kellan to remake Marky Mark's iconic campaign from the 90s that made genitals everywhere go weak. I still have the paper cut scars on my ass.
A source says that Calvin Klein hopes Kellan will become the #1 piece to fap to just like Marky Mark was in 1992. The source added, “The executives have a plan to model the ads very similarly after the famous Mark Wahlberg campaign in the 90’s. They want to recreate the look of the hugely successful ads, and who is better than Kellan Lutz to fill out those little underwear?”
Marky Mark's panty ad for Calvin Klein was an important part of my life as a blooming gay. That shit was serious. I was a tween (Yes, I'm older than Kim Zolciak's first wig aka OLD) when this shit came out, but I remember it like yesterday. As soon as I saw Marky's ad in Rolling Stone, my b-hole opened up for business and started taking applications. Marky is partly to blame.
So, Kellan really has big panties to fill.
Ask my genitals (and the restraining order out against me) and they will tell you that this was definitely the year of THE SILVER FOX! I mean, look at that precious blue background. Wouldn't it look even more precious with Anderson Fox's silver field glittering in front of it? Sigh. People better include a "Sexiest Fox Alive" supplement in this shit. Anymynonowillbesendingthemhatemail....
As you can see Johnny Depp was named People's Sexiest Man Alive (aka Bitch We Want To Bone Badly). Johnny joins Billy Goat Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only pieces who have been named SMA twice. And once again, Mah Boo shuffles off empty-handed. FOR SHAME!
The rest of the list includes some of the usual suspects (i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Jakey G, Robert Downey Jr., Posh Beckham's purse holder) as well as some new hos (i.e. The Glee Guys, Gilles Marini, Squinty's favorite shopping partner, Glamberace, John Cho, Nick Cannon, John Legend).
And yes, the Keeper of the Unicorn Forest made the list too. Yesterday, there was a fake People cover going around with RPattz on it. People probably decided not to go with RPattz this year, because they didn't want to be responsible for the millions of Twitward vaginas that would explode out of excitement.
Jon Hamm looks like the Disney prince of your genital's dreams today, and he looked like that in high school too. THAT BITCH! Above is one of Jon's high school yearbook pictures, and I'm sure you'll be spending the day Photoshopping your legs around his neck.
And let's not exchange high school pictures, because Satan uses mine to torture his victims. It's hell's equivalent to laughing gas, so you don't want to do that to yourself. Not today.
Here's Scott Speedman shuffling around the streets of Beverly Hills in man-flops with his fresh out of the oven (not an ode to JLo) muffin top peeking out. It needs butter. Okay, okay, I know Scott doesn't look like he belongs on a Betty Crocker box, but "muffin top" sounds so much more delicious than "stomach" or "belly."
The permanent wart on Sarah Palin's ass cheek, Levi Johnston, is getting ready to show us his trunk and berries (hopefully) on Playgirl. Levi's trainer told People that he's training for the big event by spending time in the gym and eating loads of moose meat. And no, he doesn't mean the kind of "moose meat" that is attached to a dude and spits back at you. No, he's eating actual moose meat.
Levi's trainer said, "Moose meat is very good for you, high in protein and very lean. He's an avid hunter, so he has his own. I'm not trying to give him a body builder's look. He's going to be more toned and more defined. I'd like to see him with rounder and more muscular shoulders, with a fuller chest. We're going to firm his abs up, [and give him a] smaller waist."
Um. Levi does know about a little invention called Photoshop, right? And I hope he also knows that eating moose meat isn't going to make him hung like a moose. Wait, or will it? Excuse me while I go and organize a dinner party for the dudes of NYC where I will only serve moose cake.
So check your state or country laws before your fuck parts start salivating over him. You do not want to share a cell with Roman Polanski, because he looks like a snorer....and a night farter. Anyway, here's the wolfie boy from Twilight getting wet and jumping around during a Rolling Stone photo shoot in Malibu yesterday.
Whenever I see this dude, he's always bouncing in the air like the ground is filled with Parasite Hilton's toxic cooch warts. It's like he's got springs instead of bones. If he flips around like that on the sand, imagine what he can do on your... Actually, don't imagine that before checking with Chris Hansen first.
When Lance Bass isn't sitting front row in the audience at Dancing with the Has-Beens (seriously, he's there every week), he's butching it up in the gym. Pumping peen and pumping weights.
Surprisingly enough, I've never really thought about what Lance looked like without his top on. But then I see this, I get the drips and say to myself, "That'll do." Yes, I'm that easy. And I'm sure JC is scooting all over this picture while humming "I Want You Back."
This picture of Alexander Skarsgard grabbing onto a dude's titty at Fantastic Fest '09 will probably find itself inserted into Photoshop about a million times, because crazed True Blood hos (yours truly included) will be pasting their heads on this shit. I mean, we all want Vampire Eric to place his sexy hand on our nipple while holding a Stella in the middle of a freezer.
Something tells me the dude's face lips aren't the only pair of lips puckering up. OW! Eric has that effect on everyone.
If that was me, I'd never wash or lick my nipple ever again. My nipple would be looking like a crusty 7-layer dip after about a year, and I still wouldn't take a towelette to it.
For some reason, Levi Johnston is in a commercial for pistachios with his bodyguard/manager/Palin-blocker Tank. When I think of nuts, I usually think of Cisco Adler or Courtney Love, but I guess Levi works? Tank better cover Levi's nuts at all times, because Sarah Palin is going to try to shoot them from her plane when she watches this shit.
And who needs protection while eating nuts anyway? The best part is when the peen slaps you in the eye! If you don't enjoy that shit, I guess you can use a tripod.
There's really no better way to start the day then a little Mah Boo Anderson Cooper sitting on the edge of my coffee cup saving "hello" at me. Or maybe he's waving me away. Who cares about technicalities! I just want to plop him into my coffee, because he's the sweetest sugar cube in the sugar factory. And that was the gayest sentence in the gay factory.
Here's a bleary-eyed (but still oh-so-sessy) Mah Boo catching a cab in NYC yesterday heading to the flower store to buy me a huge bouquet, hundreds of silver balloons and a teddy gram. Okay, he was probably buying it for NeNe or for his current salad chef, but again...TECHNICALITIES!