Hunks

YES! Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa , a hot piece of man meat who I just want to lick up until he melts into a puddle so that I can bottle him up and sip him throughout the day, said "hi" to a new baby friend sometime last month. Yes, I know that was a long description of Jason, but whenever I see a picture of him, my genitals do the writing.

Jason's mother posted on his website forum that Lisa gave birth to a baby boy. They named him......hold your breath.... hold it..... don't breathe.... DON'T! Are you passing out yet? ...hold... it... here we go.... Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa!!! Seriously. Now I won't feel bad when I name my first born Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho.

Jason's mommy went on to explain the name, "He was born on the stormest, rainy night.
so Nakoa(warrior)...Mana(strength/spirit) Kaua(rain) po(dark)... The name was always going to be Nakoa-Wolf, but Jason did the research on first middle name, 2nd middle name as you know is Jason's."

Those incense-burning, no-deodorant wearing, peyote eating, tantric sexin' hippies! Their son isn't going to be able to say or write his name.... ever. I can't even pronounce that shit! I feel like when I try to say his name, the clouds will turn black, the sky will go dark and the heavens will weep for 7 days straight. It's totally a rain chant!

But you know what? It's still a zillion times better than Bronx Mowgli. At least Nakoa-Wolf's (HA!) means something. I shouldn't say that. Bronx Mowgli means something in Doucheanese. It means "My parents are assholes."

VIA ONTD

We're all in need of an end of day peen break! Skip the caffeine and have yourself some wang instead.

Today's is brought to you by Scott Caan. I've actually pondered what Little Man Caan's peen is like. The dude is like the size of a small Travelocity troll. I'm not even joking. Okay, he's 5'5", but I pictured him with a tiny taquito dick: short and skinny. I'm sort of surprised that his twig and berries are the size of a normal man's! Miniature dudes sometimes have miniature bits.

Now, I didn't want to waste any of my Happy Hour coins on buying the pictures (cheap I am), so run on over to Defamer to see the goods. His golden beets look so soft too. I bet he rubs them in cocoa butter and serenades them to sleep every night.

And it goes without saying....but I'd hit it every which fucking way. He'd need a step stool to hit it from the back, but lucky for us, I've got one of those!

I'm hoping his year's Oscars will be shirt-optional since Hugh Jackman is hosting it and he suffers from Matthew McConaughy syndrome. The Oscar bitches announced today that Hugh will host the Oscars on February 22nd. The show is usually hosted by people who tell jokes for a living, but they decided that sex sells so they got Hugh instead.

Hugh is actually an excellent choice! As long as he keeps his shirt off, keeps the bow tie on (it is the Oscars after all) and opens the show in an Oscar statue hammock thong, everyone will be pleased. Tommy Girl better keep his hungry no-no under lock and key, because that thing is going to try and eat the host.

Oh and Hugh better recreate this performance he did for the Tony Awards (complete with Carole Bayer Sager's introduction, of course):

Source

I don't watch sports, but it's all a major dick tease to me. It's usually hot dudes running around, being sweaty and touching each other in a rough-sex kind of way. But they do this all with their peen areas covered. Selfish and rude! Watching sports usually just forces me to turn to porn anyway, so I don't even bother.

Well, maybe I'll start watching, because on Sunday night, Fox aired a minor peen slip on live TV. The peen came out to play in the lock room after a game between the Vikings and Detroit. The Vikings head (heh) was giving some speech about his 19-year-old son going into the Marines when tight end (double heh) Visanthe Shiancoe's towel curtain moved unveiling his long, soft friend.

Before the peen could even take its bow, the towel curtain came back on. Fox quickly issued an apology: “It obviously was an oversight on our part and we apologize."

The only oversight was that the camera man didn't zoom fucking in and shine his light on the post-game dick! There was a lot of excitement over this football peen, because a ton of you bitches sent this shit to me. Clearly, Fox needs to do something about this. I'm proposing NFL Locker Room: After Dark. Peen slips and ass cheek flexes galore! This is obviously what America (aka you and me) want in our football coverage.

The NSFWish peen slip is after the jump. JUMP!!!

My hotel doesn't get Bravo. Fuck. The end. Done. Finished. Goodnight. Life is caca. It's a wrap. All of the above. I fucking swear, I'm about to get on a Big Wheel and pedal my ass to the nearest joint that gets Bravo. Tonight is the television event of my life and I'm going to miss this shit. I should sue a dumb bitch over this! Somebody please call my ass and hold up the phone to the TV while "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" reunion is playing. It will be like the old timey days when they just listened to the radio and shit.

I'm going to miss Kim explain why she wears a wig made out of dog pubes. I'm going to miss NeNe beat down Kim with her eyes. I'm going to miss Lisa Wu having a "Lisa Wu moment." This is the worst moment of my life. Ugh. Some beautiful soul who cares about humanity (i.e. ME) better put this entire shit on YouTube.

And now I must go and cry into my dildo, hoping to dream about all the amazing and beautiful things that are happening during the reunion show. All of you lucky skanks who get to watch this shit better be grateful for this gift. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!

This shit isn't funny. Jason Momoa, the hot piece from "North Shore" and some nerd show on the SciFi Channel, got his face busted in during a bar fight in West Hollywood, CA last week.

Lisa Bonet's man was being sexy at some joint when he got into an argument with an evil doer named Dominic Bando. The fight ended with Dominic hitting Jason in his angelic face with a pint glass! Jason had to get 140 stitches and also some plastic surgery work.

That jealous bitch Dominic was charged with fucking up hotness. He faces up to seven years in the chokey. If you ask me, they should give him two life sentences and send him to the prison with the most ugly people in it as punishment for messing up beauty. There's actually a lot of hot prisoners. I've seen a few on Meet-An-Inmate.com. Don't judge!

Shane Mercado and Beyonce have both been dethroned as the reigning Sasha Fierce! Cubby from 96.1 The Beat in Charlotte has shown them both exactly how it's done. Just keep your eyes up while watching. Don't look down. Trust me. Don't look at his fromagerie area. It will cause your eyes to go into seizures and your brain will start asking a million questions. You will wake up in the middle of the night screaming, "Why does it look like the Elephant Man's face down there?" Just watch his hot moves from the torso up.

And even the camera knows this shit it's hot. It's shaking its ass with him.

Thanks Taalsi

As you can see from the big yellow letters above, Hugh Jackman is People's Sexiest Man Alive. And as you can see from my headline, Carrot Top was once again robbed! Why does People Magazine hate carrots so much? Maybe they figured that if they put him on the cover an all-out riot would break out, because bitches would stab each other in the eyes to get a copy. Yeah, that's probably it. He better not get passed up for People's Sexiest Mutant Alive title.

I guess Hugh Jackman is a close second behind Carrot Top. I'm okay with the cover, but it needs more...um...more...nudity. And the cover also should have been Hugh making THIS FACE. Now that shit is sexy.

Hugh said that when his wife found out he was the sexiest man alive, she said, "Obviously, Brad wasn't available this year." Just like Kim from the "Housewives of Atlanta" (see below), Hugh's wife is a vampire who can't see her own reflection in the mirror. If I was her, I would've shouted, "OH YES! You're the sexiest bitch past, present and future. You are hotter than a Wonky's pussy in a convection oven. Please never leave me. Please! Please!" Because the woman should be sucking the cheddar out of his peen for staying with her.

The rest of People's list includes some of the usual suspects:

Daniel Craig - I give this pick two dildo claps!
Jon Hamm - See above and add an extra clap!
Zac Efron - No, but he's a shoo-in for the sexiest pretty princess award!
Robert Buckley - Stop trying to make "Lipstick Jungle" happen!
Blair Underwood - Fuck, fuck yes.
Ed Westwick - See above and add two extra fucks.
Michael Phelps - No. The body is sexy, but the face didn't get the memo.
Blake Shelton - Who?!
Lang Lang - See above and add an extra question mark.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar - Is it 1990 again?
Javier Bardem - My no-no approves!
Robert Pattinson - His magical hair has hypnotized me into approving.
Joshua Jackson - Ew! Gross! Barf!
David Beckham - We get it, Becks is hot. Time to move on....

Click here if you want to see Hugh's interview interview along with pictures and shit.

Cover VIA Cover Awards

It's a good thing the paps caught Hugh Jackman making this face while trying to be all sexy in Australia. Now if you ever get the chance of doing fucky times with him, you know to either put a pillow case over his head, shut your eyes or let him hit in the back before he busts one and makes an O face. I'm pretty sure this is what his "Ooooh, I'm cumming" face looks like.

A busted O face can completely ruin a perfectly good fuck. There have been times when I have farted from laughing so hard at someone's LOL-O-FACE. Fugly O face + after-sex fart = Let's not do this again!

Hugh's face kind of looks like Chris Klein getting his floppy peen slammed in a drawer.

Here's more of Hugh and his trainer causing a massive sea creature circle-jerk while going for a morning swim on Bondi Beach in Sydney today.

The chick who probably spends her free days going through Dita Von Teese's dirty laundry is denying that she's licking on Mickey Rourke's hatchet face. When Evan Rachel Wood dumped the vampire known as Marilyn Manson, bitches figured she ran off to cry on Mickey's leathery nutsack.

Dita 2.0 swears on her brow stencil that she's not romancing the beast. She told People, "Spread the word – I'm not dating Mickey Rourke. Everybody thinks we're dating and we're not. Mickey and I bonded (MK note: more like BONED) while shooting The Wrestler and we became friends, but nothing more. I guess, because of my recent break up, I will be linked to many people, but I am not interested in pursuing a relationship at this point in my life. Any such rumor should not be taken seriously. We are proud of the film we made together and I hope people will focus on the film and not get distracted by any nonsense."

"Beauty and the Beast" is one of my favorite Disney shit shows, so I kind of wanted Evan and Mickey to fall in love. They are like the mutant meth version of Belle and the Beast. Poor Mickey. Who will ever learn to love the beast?