Hunks

The Silver Fox turned 42 yesterday (he doesn't look a day over precious, right?) and he was thrown a mega surprise party while on air! Suze Orman and Kathy Griffin came to knock the dicks out of his mouth while at work and present him with a very expensive-looking cake. It wasn't as impressive as my Andypuss cake from Carvel, but it's a close second. Suze and Kathy sang to Mah Boo and tried to get kinky by strangling him with balloon strings. He's used to it. Mah Boo just giggled through the whole thing like someone was tickling his chesticles through their TV screen. Why are you all looking at me?

I couldn't attend, because of a really annoying thing called "security guards with taser guns." I was planning to hop onto the set in a fluffy bunny costume. You know, because that's what foxes eat. OW!

A little later, Mah Boo, Suze and Kathy attended the Gracie Awards. A little later after that, I'm sure Mah Boo made a wish and blew a skin candle or two. HAPPEH BIRFDAYS!

For a limited time, hos in Britain will be able to lick Daniel Craig all over, because Del Monte has put out a popsicle in his honor after conducting a survey. Over 1,000 chicks voted that they wanted a topless Daniel on a stick. It will only be on sale until June 7th.

They got the body and crotch area right, but the face will give me night terrors. He kind of looks like Gary Oldman in Dracula. He's just missing the two hairy titty cones on his head.

Del Monte also announced that they are not responsible for any freezer burned vaginas or assholes. And don't even think about using that stick. You don't want splinters in the snatch.

Image: Splash

Earlier this week, a sparkly lightning bolt hit the internet and I don't think it will ever be the same. Spectacular from Pretty Ricky popped out the baby oil, slathered himself down, slipped into a pair of sexy red panties from the Mervyn's close-out sale and gyrated like someone put a q-tip in his ass. The purpose: Spectacular had nothing else better to do so he challenged other R&B singers to a grind-off.

After a bunch of commenters said he looked like one of the glittery gays of YouTube, Spectacular responded to MTV, "Everybody knows I'm not gay. Them little tight man drawers ... I bought 'em to show off my cuts in my stomach. I wanted to show off my body. The underwear was for the ladies."

What ladies is he speaking of? The only hos I know who would bust panty pudding over this video have grey hair, wear Geoffrey Beene shirts buttoned all the way, spend their free time "just strolling" around truck stop bathrooms, have no less than 6 webcams in their home and go by the name Bob. For the record, Bob has a penis and not a vagina.

Spectacular should've just said, "I'm just here for comedy relief!" Speaking of RELIEF, feast your eyes on this hot churning tub of butter who responded to Spectacular's challenge.

A couple of birthdays ago, I made a wish that before I die I'd like to receive a face dance from Aretha Franklin's magnificent chichis. This is the closest I will ever get to that wish coming true, so I thank Keith for this. Now make that butter, because the bread is dry!

File this under: news that made my nipples pass out. The New York Post (via Playbill) says that Hugh Jackmeoff and Daniel Craig will star in a Broadway play together later this fall. That theater is going to constantly smell like spoiled goat milk, hot dog water and discarded tuna cans.

Hugh and Daniel will both play cops (MY BUTT JUST BLEW UP) in A Steady Rain by playwright Keith Huff. The play is about "two Chicago cops whose friendship is tested by a domestic dispute they encounter in a poor neighborhood."

Okay, what is the title referring to exactly? Does it refer to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the rain pant-less? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the shower shirtless? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace while one of them is going pee pees?

It doesn't really matter. Just tell me if they will be selling a clean change of panties at the concession stand or if I have to bring my own?

Mega manwhore Gerard Butler whooped a pap in the mouth and now he's being charged for it. Last October, Gerry was leaving the premiere party for his movie RockNRolla when a pap got in his face. Gerry handled the situation by fisting the dude in the mouth three or four times (I know you just came). TMZ has a picture of the pap's face after getting a dose of Gerry. Not bad. Just looks like something found on Lisa Rinna's crotch.

The L.A. City Attorney's office filed a criminal charge against him yesterday. Gerry's sexy ass has to slither into court on June 10th. If convicted, he could get up to 6 months in the chokey.

Gerry in jail?! Gerry in tight quarters with a bunch of sweaty menses?! 24/7 webcam series alert! For serious! This needs to be documented. Thousands of genitals are depending on it!

If Gerry goes to jail, the crime rate is going to hit the sky! Whores are going to do whatever it takes to get thrown into the clink just so they can accidentally drop the soap on Gerry's peen. And by "soap" I mean "ass."

Jay Leno almost died today and had to be taken to the hospital. Not really, but he did have to go to the hospital for reasons only known by him and the ass specialist assigned to him. When hos go to the hospital and don't say why, I figure it's because they have the caca runs in an evil way. It would totally make sense with Jay. Jay is also being punished FOR THIS. The eyebrow gods bit him hard and cursed with the 'rrea.

UsWeekly says Jay wasn't feeling well earlier today, so he drove himself to the hospital in Burbank. He's now resting at home, but tonight's show has been axed. A repeat will air instead. You probably won't even notice, but I will!

Jay was supposed to have that succulent chunk of maple syrup-covered Canadian bacon who goes by the name of Ryan Reynolds on tonight. I was all ready to sit through Jay's yammering just so I could pinch at Ryan's nipples on my screen, "I'm pinching yo nipples."

Ryan was going to be on show to whore out that movie he's doing with Sandra Bullock. The only thing I want to know is what percentage of the movie does Ryan have his tittays out? They should include that in the tagline on the poster, "The Proposal: With 85% Ryan Reynolds titty action." That's how you sell tickets.

Yesterday in Hollywood, Hugh Jackmeoff got on all fours for a quick minute and afterwards his precious paws were covered in a warm, sticky substance. Usually, Hugh just licks a little off and then jazz dances away into the night. But this time he was getting some kind of plaque he can hang in his walk-in panty closet, so he stuck around. Hugh popped his ass out during the handprint and footprint ceremony at Grauman's Chinese Theater.

You know, this handprint and footprint shit is so damn old-fashioned. Who really cares what these celebwhores' hands are like. The last time I was there, I walked around thinking only one thing, "I wonder how big their penises are?" For real. So they need to stop with this handprint shit and start giving us peenprints! That's what we're all thinking when we're standing over Richard Widmark's footprints. How big is yo dick?

All they had to do was pop in an old Beta video of Liza Minnelli doing jazz hands on Broadway back in the day, so Hugh Jackman could get hard. After that, plop his dick into the cement and let it rest for a bit. Yes, his dick would end up looking like a melted down Twix, but I'm sure he's used to that.

Eff handprints. Viva peenprints!

This is the first picture of Russell Crowe as Robin Hoody Hoo in Ridley Scott's new version which also stars Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian. The costumers deserve a wet nipple pinch for holding Russell's chunk down so he doesn't look like a hongray hog trying to escape out of a wool sack. I never thought I'd every say this again this lifetime, but I'd let Russell shoot an apple of my donut hole with his arrow. Shoot a peen arrow through my no-no hoooole...

It's also nice to see that Supercuts and L.A. Looks gel existed back in the oldey times.

VIA Coming Soon

Phil Spector's mug shot gives you a boner. THE SEX. It's okay. Just pour this sweet cream into your coffee this morning and enjoy. This is the precious face that only an obese inmate with no gag reflex could love. If Moe from The Simpsons and a trout found in the waters off Three Mile Island mates....

And STAINS called, he wants his stare back. That shit is copyrighted.

I really don't like jokes! Viggo Mortensen says he might be pulling a Joaquin Phoenix sans the whole dick butter-covered hobo rapper thing. Viggo tells The Times of London (via Page Six) that he is thinking of quitting the bitch known as the movie business. Oh fuckness, let's not do this, Viggo!!!

Viggo said, "No more movies. I haven't said yes to one in over a year. If it all dries up now, I've had a good run."

No. Viggo has not had a good run yet. There is still more acting to do. And by "acting" I mean getting naked. Seriously, I feel like the movie going public has not spent enough quality time with his peen. Think of all the genitals that will be left sad and distraught over this news. Viggo is just talking silly! He just needs to take a Calgon bath, nuzzle up to a bong, take a nap and re-charge his peen. Viggo is not done. There's still more peen-flashing to do!