Hunks

The chick who probably spends her free days going through Dita Von Teese's dirty laundry is denying that she's licking on Mickey Rourke's hatchet face. When Evan Rachel Wood dumped the vampire known as Marilyn Manson, bitches figured she ran off to cry on Mickey's leathery nutsack.

Dita 2.0 swears on her brow stencil that she's not romancing the beast. She told People, "Spread the word – I'm not dating Mickey Rourke. Everybody thinks we're dating and we're not. Mickey and I bonded (MK note: more like BONED) while shooting The Wrestler and we became friends, but nothing more. I guess, because of my recent break up, I will be linked to many people, but I am not interested in pursuing a relationship at this point in my life. Any such rumor should not be taken seriously. We are proud of the film we made together and I hope people will focus on the film and not get distracted by any nonsense."

"Beauty and the Beast" is one of my favorite Disney shit shows, so I kind of wanted Evan and Mickey to fall in love. They are like the mutant meth version of Belle and the Beast. Poor Mickey. Who will ever learn to love the beast?

Hugh Jackman turned 40 yesterday and he celebrated by giving a bunch sunbathers in Sydney the gift of his body. You know that when Hugh got into the water, everybody had to run out and head to the bathroom because their crotches were about to explode. It was like a panty pudding fountain. Shit. You better check your own panty situation. It's probably covered in clitty litter. Mine is a lost cause. It's going right into the "burn pile."

There has to be something wrong with his ass. His dick must be all sorts of disappointing. I bet he suffers from cashew dick. It's probably small, curved and salty. Yeah, because I can't believe that his body is that perfect.

Hugh's Mrs. Claus-looking wife must have been some kind of saint in a past life to nab such a piece of hotness. If I was married to him, I would never leave his side. Ever. And if some slick bitch looked at him with lusty eyes, I'd shoot that ho. No joke.

Here's Hugh making genitals burst at the beach yesterday and out with his wifey the other night.

It must be nice to be Dita Von Teese. You can sort of get away with wearing an extra homo top hat out in public. I want to wear one, but I wouldn't make it halfway down the street without getting into several bitch slap fights with lil' top hat haters. Besides, I would probably look like Mr. Peanut's pre-op son that nobody ever talks about.

Dita wore this shit to some Patrick Demarchelier party in Paris last night. I'm pretty convinced that Dita is going to outlive us all. She's some kind of super vampire who can function in the daylight. In 200 years, her and Larry King will be chilling out with the aliens and Parasite Hilton's mutant crabs.

Here's more of the ancient artifact in Paris last night. Lenny Kravitz also graced the event with his hotness, but he totally looks like Little Lord Fauntleroy transported to 1990s Seattle. I also threw in a few pictures of the po' man's Zooey Deschanel, Katy Perry.

The Crocs epidemic is worse than I thought. This is hard for me to type, but Iggy Pop is wearing Cr...Cro...CROCS! NOOOOO! I would share a breast milk ice cream cone with Iggy, so that's why this is especially hard for me. I don't care if they feel like you're walking on hundreds of Wonder Bread slices, it's not worth it!!!

If you're laughing at the fact that only one of Iggy's Crocs has a wedge heel, then you're a cold hearted snake (look into his eyes), because one of his legs is longer than the other and he recently injured it in a show. And yes, I laughed at first too, so I'll meet you in the snake den.

Here's Iggy breaking my cold heart by wearing Crocs in Cannes, France. Don't ask me who his lady friend is, but she looks like she just got off of the (NSFW) Bang Bus.

Tyson Beckford has a body built for fuckey times and a pubey bush built for a petting zoo. Seriously! While slobbering over these pictures of Tyson at some party in Australia last night, I didn't expect to see an extra large deep dish fur pie! I thought models regularly tended to their bushes. And his furburger looks so soft! Soft and silky. It looks like Spaghetti Cat (see below) is sitting in his lap.

I don't even need to state the obvious. Of course I'd "you know what" it. That bitch is a hot piece. I don't give an eff if it would be like sucking on a furball. It would be like cashmere on my tongue. I got the "pull the pubic hair out of my mouth" move down pat.

Below are some uncensored pictures of Tyson's mega bush. It's possibly a little NSFWey.

I have terrible news. Jemaine Clement from "Flight of the Concords" got married. And it wasn't to you. Or me. He married some raggedy skank who goes by the name of Miranda Manasiadis. I'm sure she's a lovely lady with a vagina like a spring tulip, but she'll always be a homewrecking cunt to me.

Jemaine has taken a break from writing the series to marry the tramp in a small registry office in Los Angeles. 34-year-old Jemaine has been called one of Wellington's most eligible bachelors. Not anymore!

Even though she's now on my shit list, I have a little advice for Miranda Manasiadis. Keep your new husband away from Sienna Miller! Her vagina alarm just went off, letting her know that there's a married man in her midst. If Sienna comes around, throw holy water on her!

Here's a clip featuring Jemaine's "rudest" moments. Before I die, I want Jemaine to say to me just once, "Shut up, Michael." Just once.

I've always wanted to see Robert Downey Jr. with a moustache, but this isn't what I had in mind. Usually a moustache can make a dude look like an evil child toucher or a porn star from the 70s. RDJ looks more like the latter. Personally, I'm into it. It's looks like one of those furry, black catepillars lounging on his lip. RDJ wore his furry friend to the "Tropic Thunder" premiere last night where he was joined by his wifey.

Matthew McConaughey also tore himself away from his double bong to show up to the premiere. Thankfully, he left Levi Strauss at home. It's also a good thing that he kept his sunglasses on. Bloodshot stoner eyes never look good in pictures.

Also, I just looked up the cast of this Tropic Thunder shit on IMDB and it says Tyra Banks plays herself in it! Why the hell wasn't she at the premiere?! Shit, why wasn't the premiere held on her show?! Hell, why wasn't it called "Tyra Thunder" instead?!

Dylan McKay is on the wrong coast. He should really be in California trying to save that "90210" shit show. They already have Brenda, now they need Dylan. The new "90210" trailer makes it look like 2-hours of watching oatmeal dry. Click here to see it, but bring some NoDoz.

Luke Perry was on the NYC set of "Law & Order: SVU" with Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay yesterday.

I know Christopher is just trying to keep the pits cool, but he looks like a retired Chippendale's dancer getting ready to make his big comeback. I wonder if those pants come off with one tug?

My world crumbled into ten million pieces yesterday after learning that Sam Talbot from "Top Chef 2" got engaged to some skank who doesn't understand him the way I do. Thankfully, I pulled it together with a little help from my friends Bartles & Jaymes. Don't judge! Exotic Berry tastes like nectar from the gods.

Anywhore, after learning that Sam got engaged, a bunch of chicks have come forward claiming he's the whoriest whore who ever whored. One girl told Page Six, "He's a dog. He told me I was his girlfriend, and then my friend went to the opening of Surf Lodge and was introduced to another woman he called his girlfriend. There are girls all over with him."

A few Dlisted birdies also wrote me saying that they fucked or knew a bitch who fucked Sam within the past few months.

It makes me feel better knowing that Sam knows he is a hot piece and is sharing his hotness with the world. I bet he's also sharing the creatures living in his genitals. Hey, it's a small price to pay and that's what RID is for.

The always sunny Gordon Ramsay almost met his maker (Satan) after he fell off of a cliff in Iceland while filming his show, "The F Word."

Gordon told The Sun that he fell from a 28-foot cliff and landed in icy cold water. He said, “I remember thinking, ‘Oh fuck’. My boots and my waterproofs were dragging me down. I’m an extremely good swimmer, but I couldn’t get to the surface. I was panicking and my lungs were filling with water. When I got to the top after getting my boots off I was dazed and my head was totally numb.”

Gordon's crew pulled him back up with a rope. He only had a cut on his leg.

Falling off a cliff wasn't his only brush with death. Gordon was in Iceland to hunt poor, little puffins for his show. One of the puffins bit his nose which required three stitches. The puffin should have aimed lower.

Gordon defended his decision to hunt them, “We had a license to cull 1,000. I didn’t realize how difficult they are to cook, but they’re very tasty!”

The next time Gordon is in Iceland, the puffins should push him from a higher cliff.

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