Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprio used to be able to stroll into any modeling agency in the world, walk up to the wall of pictures, point to any model and say "I'll take that one, no need to wrap her up!", and he'd get her. But those days are coming to an end and he got triple-slapped across the face by something called REJECTION when 20-year-old "it" model Cara Delevingne refused to go back to his hotel room with his 38-year-old ass.

Life & Style (via Page Six) says that at a party at Cannes for The Great Gatsby, Leo kept trying and trying and trying and trying to get Cara to give him her time and she did what so many Oscar voters have done for years: she ignored his ass. If only Rose was determined to hold on to Jack's hand as much as Leo was determined to get Cara onto his peen, the bitch would've never let go!

Because the sight of a sad, lonely, ho-loving dog pawing at her feet was trying to ruin her buzz, Cara finally gave him her number. Some source said this:

“Leo kept hitting on her at the ‘Great Gatsby’ bash at Cannes. He even lunged at her at one point, and she dodged him. He was begging her to go back to his hotel room, but she declined. Eventually, [she] gave him her number, but we’re not so sure she’s into him."

Poor Leo. Somebody just hit the FF button on his transformation into the real-life Don Draper.

Leo should get a little credit, though, because he kept on kept on even after Cara shook her head "fuck no" when he told her that he's giving her the opportunity to visit the place 35 million models before her have visited. You'd think that hearing no from a chick would've made his head explode as his dick spat out a white flag before retiring up into his body for the rest of its life. Leo put a Band-Aid over the bruise on his ego and probably hit on another 20-something model (who probably turned his ass down too).

And here's some pictures of Cara leaving a yacht (not Leo's) in Cannes the other day and leaving a party with Wonky McValtrex. Yes, Cara hangs out with Wonky, but turns Leo down. Board up all the windows in Cannes before Leo jumps out of one.

This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What's even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley's hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.

Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it's telling the world that you're claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan's slaves. If they weren't monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he's actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle's boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT's purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she's totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.

You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.

And here's others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They're all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT's UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton. 

Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she'd like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she'd like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White's rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her "this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn't come out" face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she's once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.

GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).

And here's Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.

Leonardo DiCatchAHo is supposedly sexing on his Wolf of Wall Street co-star Margot Robbie, but he was seen doing the halfway side huge with a different blonde piece in Miami the other day AND InTouch (via Wetpaint) says that he's also got a Victoria's Secret model on the side. Leonardo has already dated VS models Gisele Bundchen, Bar Refaeli, Anne V, Erin Heatherton and now he's supposedly getting it on with 19-year-old Barbara Palvin. VS should just go ahead and change the name of their VS Angels to Leonardo's Hos.

A source tells InTouch that 38-year-old Leo is only casually dating (read: daytime fuck buddies) Barbara Palvin and he's not looking to settle down with one trick anytime soon. The source also said, "Leo loves seeing lots of different girls. He can’t be alone.”

"Loves seeing lots of different girls" and "can't be alone" is a really long-winded way of saying  DUDE IS A TAYLOR SWIFT!

Before Barbara Palvin supposedly rolled around naked with George Clooney Junior, she got on Justin Bieber for a minute. Barbara denies humping the Bieb (wouldn't you?) and I read somewhere that she's got a boyfriend and every time she's photographed with a famous dude the tabloids put them together. Judging by that picture of Barbara Pelvic Exam and Leonardo at some event in Hollywood, I can't tell if anything is going on. But then again, Leonardo looks like he's trying to keep the dry heaves from crawling up his throat and that's usually the natural reaction of a person who just found out that the person he touched tongues with touched tongues with Justin Bieber recently. Story developing (not really)....

(pic via Instagram)

It was hard for me to focus on Quentino Tarantino's acceptance speech after he won the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay, because earlier in the night Amy Poehler made a joke about the "rat-faced people" and the camera immediately cut to QT's face one second after she said it. It was perfect. So when rat-faced QT got on stage to accept his award, I kept picturing him nibbling toe cheese off of someone's foot and didn't listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Apparently, during his speech, the n-word never jumped off of his tongue, which is surprising. But when QT got backstage, the n-word flew out of his mouth once, which made the innocent reporters clutch their pristine ears.

At the 0:35 mark in the clip above, a reporter asks QT if he ever thought about not using the n-word while making and writing Django Unchained. QT answered the question without shutting any butts down, which is a good thing, because last night was definitely an open butt kind of night. But QT did drop the n-word just once:

No, not really, because it's... If somebody is out there actually saying it when it comes to the word nigger, that the fact that I was using it in the movie more than it was used in the Antebellum South in Missippii in 1858, then feel free to make that case. But no one is actually making that case. So in other words, they're actually saying that I should soften it, they're saying I should lie, they're saying I should whitewash, they're saying I should massage and I never do that when it comes to my characters."

E! News says that the room went completely silent and then later Don Cheadle, who took the stage after QT, broke the awkwardness by saying, "Please no 'nigger questions'. Black people questions are all right."

QT used the n-word to talk about why he used the n-word in his movie, so I'm not sure why reporters were shocked by him using it. Shit, they should be shocked that he didn't use it in his acceptance speech. I'm surprised he didn't thank the n-word in his speech, because without it, his movie would've been 90 minutes shorter since every character says it at least 200 million times each.

And here's a few of the Django Unchained hos (sans Samuel L. Jackson) before, during and after the Golden Globes last night: Rat-faced QT with his piece, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.

Patsy Stone (real name: Joanna Lumley) risked getting the taste of Angel snatch and Victoria's Secret passion fruit lube in her mouth to show supermodel collector Leonardo DiCatchAHo how a seasoned woman gives it. Patsy Stone wouldn't normally lick on Leonardo even if he fell out of a vodka bottle, but it's Thanksgiving week in America and she felt it was only right to give a little something to an unfortunate soul who hasn't ever tasted a true goddess. Patsy Stone also did it, because she's on the Brooklyn set of Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street and she's getting a check to do it.

This is totally the reason why Leonardo will put an end to his Angel-chasing days. Would an Angel ever finger fuck his nostril while kissing? A prude, bland Angel would never. That's what separates the goddesses from the angels. So yeah, you can go ahead and cancel Leonardo's subscription to the VS Angel of the Month Club, because he's hooked. What's that saying Madonna has tattooed on her taint? Once you go cougar, you never go cub.

"As a multi-racial panty company our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new Poke-a-hotass bra and panties set was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history. We consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, and they told us Disney got it all wrong. Chief Powhatan was really a skinny dirty blonde girl from Chicago who wore leopard panties and bought all of her jewelry at tourist shops in Santa Fe. We sincerely apologize on behalf of the dumb dumbs at Disney and all of the high school history teachers who obviously got the history of the Native American people wrong. They should really update their books or something.

Love, kisses and woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woos - VS"

That is the exact statement Victoria's Secret is going to release after everybody freaks out about the mess of an outfit they put Karlie Kloss in. Moving on...

Memory lane walked in front of Leonardo DiCatchAHo last night when Victoria's Secret held their annual tits, ass and panties show in NYC. Although, every model there probably told reporters, "OHMYGAWD, I ate a dog, four hamburgers, six cakes, an entire Arby's and then I sucked off a Slurpee machine at 7-Eleven", I'm sure most of them have only eaten cigarette smoke and soda can sweat for the last two weeks. Victoria's Secret wants them to be skinnier than a ladybug's antennae, but they also want them to have the strength of a linebacker. Look at all that shit they have to carry on their backs. Victoria's Secret takes their models to Michael's and then goes down the aisle, throwing all sorts of craft crap on their backs. "You see that whole bin of plastic orchids over there? Tie it to that blonde one's back. There's a deconstructed parade float in the alley, throw it on Adriana. And that broken down Las Vegas hotel sign over there? Strap it to that other blonde."

After the show, the president of VS had two of the angels come over to his apartment and carry his grand piano on their backs down four flights of stairs. There really needs to be a Victoria's Secret Angels moving company. 

Here's Victoria's Secret angel collector Leonardo DiCatchAHo looking like you want to buy a vowel from his ass, because he looks like Pat Sajak if Pat Sajak's toupee was made out of bloated guinea pigs. Leonardo drowned the top of his head in a bowl of Nice 'N Easy and rubbed his face on a plate of Fashion Fair foundation to play a stockbroker in the 80s in Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street. No, The Wolf of Wall Street isn't a sequel to Teen Wolf and isn't about Scott Howard all grown up and working as a stockbroker. I wish.

Leo looks like either a roasted marshmallow in a Wink Martindale wig or like the real-life, freshly shaven version of that gorgeously restored Jesus Christ portrait.  So based on those descriptions alone, I'd hit it. Yes.

That beard. I don't whether to say it's a glorious piece of man fur and should be used to sell Brawny paper towels. Or is it a gross piece of muff that probably smells like dirty ass on a humid day? It looks like it's about to grow legs and piss on wall corners and hump knees. A dude should probably bring out the hedge clippers, Flowbee and grooming leash when his bushy beard beast starts to crawl past his neck and is about to become one with the hair lake on his chest. Those two bodies of hair should never touch. But then again, it kind of butches him up and kind of makes him look like a leather cub in his everyday clothes. Conflicted!

Here's Leonardo DiCaprio and his piece of the moment, Bar Blake Erin Laura Crystal or whatever her name is, riding their bikes in Manhattan yesterday. Riding bikes in NYC is a serious sport and is no joke. There's this bike lane by my apartment and it gets really busy on Saturdays. Sometimes, I stand there and watch the battle between ENRAGED bikers and clueless bitches standing in the middle of the bike lane, waiting to cross the street. I'm always impressed at how the bikers manage to spit out almost every insult in a matter of seconds. "Get out of the goddamn bike lane you stupid piece of shit cunt motherfucker dumb whore douche ass I hope I kill you one day you stupid brain dead dick." The rage that shoots out of their angry assholes can power their bike for miles. It really is some good Saturday entertainment. And yes, I'm easily impressed and easily entertained. We know this.

Since Leonardo DiCatchAHo is busy trolling Victoria's Secret casting calls for his next piece, Kate Winslet has to do promo stuff for Titanic 3D by herself and ho is on fire. Kate is that bitch (aka YOU) at her 15th high school reunion who has a glass of the sweet nectar permanently attached to her hand and farts at the mouth about how much she hated their class song and how everyone looks like shit with love handles. So when Kate brought her Don't Give A Fuck tour to Daybreak (via Daily Mail), she didn't hold back when joking about how much she and Leo have changed since she let go of his hand 15 years ago:

"We do look very different, we’re older. Leo’s 37, I’m 36 – we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner. It’s true though!"

It's true that 1997 Leo looked like the kind of beautifully androgynous twink that Hilary Swank might play in a biopic and 2012 Leo looks like his eyes shrunk while his face grew. But I don't know what Kate is trying to say here. If Kate is trying to say she looks hotter now, then I need her to draw me wearing this and only this, because that is not true. 1997 Kate could totally beat 2012 Kate in a beauty pageant. But I'm only saying that because I've always had a thing for white cholas in chokers.