Leonardo DiCaprio

Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria's Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie's barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.

The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the "boys' table" to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her....but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move."

Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he'll order her through the Victoria's Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that's option "d" on the return order form).

Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, "Has anybody told you that you can be a model?" One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn't have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: assman67@hotmail.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.

Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That's what we're calling "a beard fitting" these days.

In one of the rooms of his multimillion dollar eco-friendly hybrid penthouse, Leonardo DiCaprio is crying all over the Australian model nipples of Alyce Crawford and only presses pause on his bawl bitch session to ask her to mutter like a Novocained up Mumbles with a peen in his mouth just like the love that got away Blake Lively! Now that Amy Winehouse is no longer here to do the honors, I guess somebody has to stick their head out of their apartment window to let out a woeful BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE as their hearts break like my nerves whenever I watch Blake Lively try to act.

Blake and Leo's 5-month-long whatever ended recently and UsWeekly says that it wasn't him, it was her. An "anonymous source" (If those quotation marks were wings they'd fly straight into the BlackBerry of Blake's publicist) tells UsWeekly that Leo was all ready to make the modeling world mourn the loss of their biggest man whore benefactor by turning in his DiCatchAHo membership card to settle down with Blake, but she just wasn't ready to domesticate. Today, bull shit smells a lot like Blake Lively's breath. The source put it like this:

"Blake wasn't ready to move to the next level. It was just too much, too quickly. Blake wasn't ready to settle down. He's looking for someone to eventually start a family with...That's not where she's at. She's only 24! He's more mature. They're not in the same place right now."

After Blake gnawed on the edges of Leo's heart and spit that shit out into the compost pile on his roof top deck like the cold-blooded, man-slurping (FYI: it's hard to eat when you've got a jaw made of Gummy Worms) bland widow that she is, she went off to Boston to make Ryan Reynolds her next victim. Once she turns Ryan into a puddle of sad tears and broken heart pieces, she'll get George Clooney to change his name to George Lively when he breaks his anti-marriage oath to marry the mumbler of his DREEEEEEEAAAAMS. Yes, that's all going to happen.

Full Disclosure: The last part of this post was taken straight from the dream journal of Blake Lively's publicist and has been republished here with permission.

First Katie Price and that Argentinian piece who made my gaydar pucker end their beautiful love affair via a translator (because she doesn't speak Spanish and he isn't completely fluent in Whore yet), and now UsWeekly is telling us that Blake NotSoLively and Leonardo DiCatchAHo's short-term contract is up and they aren't even trying to renegotiate. Pop your umbrellas, because something tells me that suicidal cherubs will be falling out of the sky today.

Reps for both Blake and Leonardo confirm to UsWeekly that after 5 months of contract-enforced dates in Monte Carlo, Venice, and NYC, they have broken up, but are still friends.

As much as this news saddens me, because it makes me long for the days when celebrity couples showed they were really committed to each other by signing long-term contracts (see: Reese and Jake), this shit was bound to happen.

Leo just can't give his heart to a piece unless she gives 10% of the earnings she made from posing in Sports Illustrated to her agent at IMG. And Blake is just not meant to happen even though Hollywood keeps shoving her down our eye holes the same way almost every model is shoving her portfolio into Leo's mail slot right about now. Blake is the Pippa Middleton of American actresses. She is never EVER going to happen. (Cut to the no-so-distance future when Blake is thanking her husband Ryan Gosling as she accepts her Best Actress Oscar while I get my words eatin-ready by sprinkling hot sauce on them.)

Bikini models hoping to spend the rest of summer sunning their nipples on a yacht in the South of Wherever should stop waiting to a call for a go see at Leonardo DiCatchaho's office, because the dude is not back to catching hos. Now Magazine said earlier this week that Leo pushed Blake Lively off of his dick because his mom thought she was too far up her own oatmeal ass. (I'm trying to picture that image too and I'm coming up with this.) Either Now was freebasing Wite-Out and made this mess up or Leo's mother realized that she can't be mean to a ho who has the face constipated pony with heatstroke.

Because UsWeekly says that Blake and Leo were buying sunglasses together at some store in Santa Barbara, CA on Wednesday. Some source they were holding on to each other the whole time and then went on to BLAH BLAH this out, "They seemed very much in love. They were in the store for about 10 minutes before a crowd of fans noticed them and they rushed out."

Sooooo Blaaaaaaaaaake and Leeeeeeeooooooo are stiiiiiiiiil fuuuuuucking. Yes, I'm trying to make you care about this by using as many vowels as possible so it reads like I'm screaming it out full-mouth. Didn't work, I know. So for your troubles, here's a video of a baby sloth giving his response to this post:

Leonardo DiCaprio's mother Irmelin knows that her son can't ever settle down with a mumble-mouthed non-swimsuit model with the face of a confused Persian kitten who just frew up for the first time and is trying to figure out how it's possible for her to opposite swallow like that. Mama DiCaprio apparently tried to give Blake Lively a chance when she first met her, but was left unimpressed after that boring beige ho kept talking about modeling for Chanel. Leo not only played a mama's boy in the best movie ever What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, but he's also one in real life so he quickly dropped Blake's ass. A source tells Now! Magazine says that Leo went to Italy to be alone and Blake is all sad and shit.

"Blake's a total mess. She tried hard to impress Leo's mum when they met but Irmelin couldn't stand her. She told Leo that Blake was far too up herself for him. Blake was nervous so she did talk a lot. But his mum says all she did was talk about Gossip Girl and how she's a Chanel model. Leo listens to his mum and the fact that she didn't like her has put him off."

I'm probably by myself in thinking this, but I just can't take Blake and Leo seriously as a couple. Shit is a set up. Blake's publicist disguised themselves as some Make-A-Wish ho and tricked Leo into believing that Blake is a deformed-faced giant toddler whose dream has always been to follow around Jack from Titanic. It's the only explanation for this. But if they are/were a real couple, I doubt Mama DiCaprio would even bother throwing shade at Blake since she knows her son will dump that trick once his Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition (with attached order form) comes in the mail. Or until Blake reaches Leo's idea of middle-age when she turns 24 next month. Whichever comes first.

In news that will make you miss the exciting days of hearing about the Pollyanna of fag hags Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal giggling over pumpkin lattes together, People reports that Blake NotSoLively and Leonardo DiCatchaHo ordered two cups of coffee last Thursday at some shop in Carmel, CA. In related news, you just injected the contents of two espresso capsules directly into your brain so that your nose won't hit the 6 key while reading this incredibly exciting story (SPOILER ALERT: it will).

The love affair that bloomed out of a publicist's BlackBerry started in Cannes has since made stops in Italy, NYC, Disneyland and now Carmel. A witness type says that before taking a walk together, Blake and Leo came into the Carmel Coffeehouse and did this: "Blake ordered two cappuccinos. One with whipped cream, and one without. But when she learned that the whipped cream was homemade, she added it to the second drink. She was very sweet."

And I bet that basic bitch Blake never winked at Leo and said that she'll churn out a dollop of his homemade whipped cock cream later (Note: Can you actually whip cock cream with a whisk?). What a missed opportunity! I swear, Blake is so bland that she makes a Quaker's yeast infection seem full of flavor. I also swear that if I ever called People to tell them that Blake ordered two cappuccinos with homemade whipped cream, I'd probably just quit life. Err. But then again, here I am using up my bandwidth to tell you that the new Taylor and Jake ordered two cappuccinos with homemade whipped cream. In my defense, the fact that this weekend I ate Cheerios with tap water and powdered cream because I was too lazy to go downstairs to buy milk means that I have already quit life.

(Image via Bauer Griffin)

The Internet's ovaries nearly exploded out of rage last year when Blake Lively and expert Canadian tuxedo wearer and operator of hipster smoothness Ryan Gosling were photographed eating ice cream together at a shop on Main Street in Disneyland. Blake must feel extra romantic when she hears the sound of screaming brat toddlers beating their sisters over the head with a giant lollipop and smells the scent of burning money, because she went back to Main Street with Leonardo DiCaprio after the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday. Please tell me Goofy asked her to autograph the naked pictures of her he printed out.

A source tells UsWeekly that Blake, Leo and their friends all showed up to the StarTours ride at 11pm and were escorted to the front of the line. Then they all hung out in front of the Penny Arcade on Main Street before going back to their hotel. A different source says that Blake isn't just another stop on Leo's never-ending stroll down HO WAY. The source laid it on thick, "I've never seen him like this with a girl."

Is this the part where we're supposed to believe this is a real relationship and that it wasn't what happened when two publicists rubbed their BlackBerries together really hard? Okay, then. Well, good news for Blake then. When things get really serious and Leo asks Blake if he can draw her like one of his French girls, she can just hand him her cell phone. Bitch doesn't have to spend hours posing on a dirty sofa.

One way to get people to think you're fucking while looking like you're trying to hide the fact that you're fucking is to leave the same hotel just minutes apart from each other. It's the oldest publicity trick in the damn book. Just look at Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio leaving a hotel in the South of France yesterday separately. Blake came down first in freshly fucked hair that probably took her stylist 3 hours to achieve and then Leo walked down while making OMG DON'T LOOK AT ME BUT LOOK AT ME poses. They think they are being so slick. This is about as slick as a chapped anus. Don't act like there's not a publicist with a headset at the top of the driveway who is cuing every move.

This is like when I buy a hot piece at the bar a drink to go into the single bathroom with me and play a heated game of thumb wrestling before we stumble out separately so that my friends can think that I got some. You can't fake out a faker. I see you, bitches!

In a shocking twist of events, Leonardo DiCaprio was seen strolling in Cannes with a woman who doesn't consider a bikini as her job uniform and isn't a pro at keeping her face sexy for the camera while a wad of sand exfoliates her ass lips in a bad way. Page Six says that avid supermodel collector Leonardo DiCatchaho and Blake Lively spent an intimate moment in Cannes together on Friday night.

A source type says that Leo and Marble Mouth looked like they had sparkly hearts in their eyes while they walked all around the Hotel Du Cap Eden Roc. The source went on, "She was wearing white and he was in a baseball cap. They walked around the grounds together. It looked like they were a couple."

As a Barbizon graduate, I feel very close to the modeling community and consider them my extended family. So that is why I just have to say: Fuck Marble Mouth! Fuck DiCatchaho! And fuck famous actresses! First they take fashion magazine covers from models, then they take ad campaigns from models and now they're taking a supermodel's most loyal subject? Betrayal is Leo humping on an actress. If Leo starts dating actresses, then we can confirm that loyalty really is dead.

Every few months, every major modeling agency in the world sends Leonardo DiCaprio a little "reminder card" letting him know that it's been a while since he stopped by their office to check out all their new models. It's just a little wink. Like most of us do with those annoying reminder notices from our dentists (or the free clinic in my case), Leo throws them into el garbage. But I guess all those reminder notices started to put thoughts into his head because he has split up with Bar Refaeli for the 412,987th time!

Page Six reports that nothing dramatic was the cause of Leo and Bar ending their on-and-off five year long relationship. They're both kind of over it and would rather spend their time doing work shit than doing each other. A source added, "Neither were ready to settle down, and both have busy careers that have been taking them in different directions."

People is also echoing Page Six and confirming with their own source that Leo and Bar are over it.

So if you're a bikini model with at least one Victoria's Secret or Sports Illustrated credit on your resume, submit your application and portfolio to The Leonardo DiCatchaho Agency. Or you can try out for an upcoming season of America's Next Top Model since I'm sure the prize package will include one date with Leonardo.

And will somebody please tell Blake Lively's dumb ass to take her application back, because her little Chanel handbag campaign does not count as bikini modeling. There are rules and regulations that must be followed, Blake!