Dakota Fanning

When I look at this ad for Marc Jacobs' "Oh, Lola!" perfume, I see a 17-year-old Dakota Fanning giving a Leela from Futurama eye to the camera while squeezing a gigantic bottle full of enough stank to last several lifetime. But when the British Advertising Standards Authority look at this ad, they see a blonde prostitot throwing sexy eyes at the camera while holding a blooming vagine between her legs and they don't like this sucio shit. They have pulled our their pristine white gloves and shooed this ad all the way back to Baby Whoretown. The ad, which came out here in the land of Toddlers & Tiaras back in June, was banned forever and the ASA released this statement about it:

"We noted that the model was holding up the perfume bottle which rested in her lap between her legs and we considered that its position was sexually provocative. We understood the model was 17 years old but we considered she looked under the age of 16. We considered that the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality. Because of that, along with her appearance, we considered the ad could be seen to sexualise a child. We therefore concluded that the ad was irresponsible and was likely to cause serious offence."

Well, damn. Since they put it like that. But I applaud Britain for banning this ad and only because it's a piece of shit picture that looks like it was taken on a first generation iPhone and printed out on a printer that was nearly out of ink. Throw that shit to the trash pile. And since Marc Jacobs will obviously need a replacement, might I suggest an of age bitch named Lola who really knows how to work a camera. I present, Lola of Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls fame.

That is how you do provocative! And full disclosure: I have no idea if that pug's name is Lola, but look at that room. Somebody that lives in that house is named Lola and I have a feeling we're looking at the ho.

The year Dakota Fanning was born, some of us we were watching a speeding white Bronco on our GoldStar televisions in between sipping on Citra soda and choosing which free Vhs movies we want from Columbia House. And now look what Dakota Fanning did yesterday. File this under: Things that make a white hair sprout out of my ear hole (right after "bringing a sweater with me to the movie theater" and "saying 'yes" to car rental insurance").

Popeater reports that 17-year-old Dakota Fanning turned her tassel and threw her cap up with her fellow high school graduates at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in L.A. yesterday afternoon. Dakota actually earned a real high school diploma and not a GED she got from writing down the answers her tutor whispered into her earpiece because she was too busy doing tequila shots off of Colin Farrell's nutsack to study.

Dakota is supposed to start college at NYU this fall.

NOOOOO. NOOOO. And NOOOOOO. This is not supposed to happen. Hollywood scientists were supposed to keep Dakota Fanning a little girl forever. Because when Dakota grows, the reality that we'll all be massaging each other's achy anuses with Icy Hot gets closer. A young Dakota Fanning was the real fountain of youth. Actually, since I put it that way. Rubbing each other's achy anuses doesn't sound that bad. You get the Icy Hot and I'll grab my sweater.

This out B list television and movie actress just cannot resist cheating on her significant other. At this point, she does not even care who it is, or if she gets caught. She is confident her significant other will not leave her. She is kind of turning into the female version of Jeremy Piven. (CDAN)

This cannot be Cynthia Nixon. First of all, Cynthia Nixon is forever tip toe dancing on top of the A-list. Second of all, if she so much as put her tongue on another person's lips outside of work, all of her ginger follicles would quit her and find a new home on Rojo Caliente's crotch. That's just fact.

This could be Portia de Rossi, but she's sitting in a solid gold bath tub full of pink diamonds and shredded hundred dollar bills, and I doubt she'd fuck that up. So I'll go with Amber Heard? Final guess.

This recording artist has had a very successful solo career for the past few years, and has also collaborated with both black and white artists on other projects. At least one of his albums has been #1 on Billboard, and he has had multiple Grammy nominations/wins. But while he may be a great artist, he’s not a great guy. He has had legal problems in the past, but there are two secrets that he has managed to keep from the public.

The first big secret is that he is in the habit of hiring hookers, having sex with them, and then beating them up. This is one seriously angry guy. The second big secret is that these are male hookers he’s been hiring, not female. Yes, this recording artist is gay.

Not 50 Cent. (Blind Gossip)

Tom Jones! Get yourself a Valium enema. No, Tom Jones would never beat a male hooker without permission. I'll say either: Kanye West, Chris Brown, Eminem, Wheelchair Jimmy or Justin Bieber (swatting, scratching and pulling hair counts as beating)?

Which Hollywood hunk is known behind closed doors for asking women to slap him around while calling him “a bad boy?” He is also said to like sex toys. (Page Six)

George Clooney? And he should definitely hook up with whoever's the answer in the blind item above. Match made.

It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

You might have already heard Dakota Fanning sing Cherry Bomb for The Runaways movie, and now here's the visual to along with it. Yay? Nay.

It might make you feel a little uncomfortable since Dakota is wearing one of Noah Cyrus' favorite outfits and behaving like that hardcore rock star known as Taylor Momsen.

This is basically what it looks like when your little cousin (the one who always rolls her eyes at you) plays Rock Band without parental supervision.

Here's The Runaways doing Cherry Bomb in 1976 if you're feeling the need to compare:

You know that time you were drunk while watching I Am Sam and your neighbor was blasting The Runaways next door (just go with me)? Did you ever think then that you'd hear that little girl singing Cherry Bomb? Well, life has once again delivered the unexpected, because here's Dakota Fanning doing just that with Kristen Stewart for that Runaways movie.

I know Dakota Fanning is practically a grown up now who can pee pee on her own and drive a big car instead of a Big Wheel, but hearing her sing this is a little weird. I get the same feeling when watching a Kidz Bop commercial.

And to be honest, I'd rather listen to a mentally challenged Sean Penn sing Cherry Bomb.

via Socialite Life

Do not watch this trailer if: a) You are a fan of The Runaways. or b) You want to punch something every time you witness Kristen Stewart licking her lips like she's got a fat cooch in her face.

Because in this 0:49 teaser trailer for The Runaways movie, Kristen managed to get a lip lick in. THAT BITCH! If her lips are dry, she should mouth fuck a jar of Vaseline. Did she take acting lessons from Jenna Jameson, because the she only acts with her lips and tongue.

via Best Week Ever

Summit Entertainment released a few stills of the evil vampire clan known as the Volturi from Twilight. Now, I've never read any of the Twilight books, so I'm just guessing they are made of evil based on their shiny Hot Tamales eyes. Speaking of those eyes, director Chris Weitz says they had the ruby red contacts specially made, "They're opaque red, almost like preying mantis eyes. You can't really see into them. There's something terribly off-putting about it."

Um. They paid too much. My goth cholita cousin has contacts just like that and she got hers at the swap meet for $19.99! Yes, one of them made her eyeballs cry bloody tears, but at least her wallet isn't crying. And that's all that matters!

Below are pictures of the rest of the Volturi bitches including: Christopher Heyerdahl as Marcus, Michael Sheen as Aro, Cameron Bright (the creepy kid from Birth) as Alec, Dakota Fanning as Jane and Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius.

If they were wearing creepers and carrying coffin lunch boxes, they'd look exactly like the goth kids at my high school.

Window licker Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning left a recording studio in Los Angeles yesterday where they were beginning vocal work on The Runaways biopic. This isn't just a day terror you can snap out of. This is really happening.

Kristen is Joan Jett, Dakota is Cherie Currie, CoCo is Lita Ford and Phoebe Price is Sandy West. No, that would have saved this soon-to-be epic mess. Alessandra Torresani is going to be Lita Ford and Stella Maeve is Sandy West. Unfortunately, the cast doesn't include the role of a bear who mauls all of them at the beginning of the movie and saves us all!

Every time I see pictures of Dakota Fanning, it always feels like she's reading my mind. She kind of makes my palms sweaty, but I've always liked her. She isn't a fuck-up and her acting doesn't make me go cross-eyed. It's that Kristen Stewart ho I have a problem with! The half-eaten Hot Pocket sitting next to me would make a better Joan Jett. They are going to have to stick a taser in Kristen's ass just to get a little raw emotion out of her! Dyeing your hair black and taking a pair of scissors to it doesn't make you a believable Joan Jett! I already tried that shit in junior high school and it didn't work.

I haven't seen Dakota Fanning in a movie since that Dreamer shit. Don't you dare fucking judge. I had an awful case of the sicks, so I was high on NyQuil and feeling vulnerable. Needless to say, that horse poop made me sicker.

Because I haven't seen Dakota do acting shit in a movie since 2005, I'm not really sure what her skills are. So when I read that she is going to play Cherie Currie in The Runaways movie, I wasn't sure whether I should fall down and cry or co-sign it in my blood. I can already confirm that Dakota will be a million times better than ScarJo, HoHan, Taylor Momsen or any of those other hos, but that's not saying much. And at 15, Dakota is the right age for this mess. But can her hair look like it was cut by an angel's wing the same way Cherie's does? That is the fucking test. They better not use wigs on this shit. If Dakota's hair can't look like that naturally, then don't bother!

Variety also confirms that Kristen Stewart of that Twilight crap will play Joan Jett. And by "play," I mean just stand there and look glazed over. Kristen always looks like she just spent 5 hours sniffing glue before coming up with the idea that eating it my give her a better high. They should've cast a piece of wet plywood as Joan instead. It would've given us more raw emotion.

Dakota and Kristen are both shooting the sequel to Twilight next and will probably make The Runaways movie after that. I feel like no matter what it's still going to look like a really long American Apparel commercial.