Jennifer Love Hewitt
The rhinestones of desperation sparkling above Jennifer Love Hewitt's chocha aren't the most precious things on her body. JLove tells USA Today (via HuffPo) that a pair of Brink's security guards should be guarding her chichis at all times, because they're that spectacular, that special and they're worth more than Heidi Klum's legs and Holly Madison's Tupperware titty bowls combined.
JLove's favorite part of her body are her 36C tits and she says it's the only part she'd have insured, because they've made her a millionaire.
"I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, 'Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,' I'd be like, 'Do it. Love it! Why not? These things right here are worth $5 million!"
JLove must've bedazzled her nipples (nippleizzing?) with canary diamonds, because that's the only way her tits would be worth $5 million. I mean, Dolly Parton insured her historical site titties for only $600,000 and her chichis are at the top of the list of national treasures right above Mount Rushmore, John Travolta's wig and Jon Hamm's Hammaconda.
And before JLove makes all the geckos roll their eyes by calling up Geico to get an estimate for her titties, she needs to fire who ever's in charge of gluing tiny broom brushes onto her eyelids. The wonky lash look does not become her. JLove should leave that look to Amanda Bynes.
Above is Jennifer Love Hewitt popping the Vajazzle gems off of her crotch while singing "I'm A Woman" in a promo for the new season of The Client List. Below is singer Miguel putting an imaginary condom on his imaginary 12" dick before hitting an imaginary trick from the back in front of a bunch of people who are probably wondering what in "mime act gone wrong" hell are they watching.
If you only had to watch one, let me help you by asking you a question. Would you rather watch Jennifer Love Hewitt try to retrain herself from tackling one of the back-up dancers and forcing him to propose to her or would you rather watch Miguel prove that some bottoms just shouldn't try to top.
I say go with Miguel, but you know it is missing something. I am really disappointed that Miguel didn't pull out his imaginary foot long, rip the imaginary condom off and then fap out an imaginary cum shot on the imaginary ass cheeks of his imaginary trick. Bitch needs to commit or keep his imaginary dick in his pants.
Fox is showing NBC that they aren't the only ones who can use NASA-created high-powered technology to make chairs turn the other way like your office chair when a Kardashian pops up on your computer screen. Fox can do that too and they'll do it in their new dating show which is like what would plop on the sheets if The Voice and The Dating Game had really messy butt sex.
Fox's The Choice is just like The Voice, but instead instead of the four "celebrities" looking for singing voices, they'll be looking for possible genitals to hump on. The four celebrities will be put in swivel chairs with their backs against the stage and a bunch of "sexy singles" describe themselves. If the piece's descriptions makes the celebrity's ears tingle, he or she will pull a "love handle" (I can't with that either) and find themselves face-to-face with their possible date. If more than one celebrity turns around, the trick will get to pick who they want to get with. Once each celebrity has three possible dates on their team, all teams will move to the "Speed Choice" round. In the second round, each contestant will have a few seconds to tell the celebrity why they should be picked. At the end of that round, each celebrity will get rid of one ho. In the final round, the show's host Cat Deeley will ask each trick a question and afterward the celebrity will pick which trick they want to go on a date with. And that's how true love is born!
Fox hasn't released the names of the celebrities that will be on this mess, but I'm sure it will be filled with twinkling bright stars of the A-list universe. Keeping that in mind, I've come up with my own wish list:
Maxwell Drew Johnson
The cock king of Hancock Park Norwood Young
Chicken Cutlets (Phoebe Price or an actual plate of chicken cutlets, I'm not picky)
Ceiling Eyes' mom
That tap dancing politician who got caught trying to look for hard dick in the bathroom
Not The Baby from Dinosaurs
Sheree from The Real Brokewives of Neverland
And last, but not least the Asian Snooki from MTV's PG-13 rated version of Bang Bus that was NEXT!
File this under: Dear Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies, this bitch is stealing your beauty secrets!
There are at least half a dozen members of the Former Fiances of Jennifer Love Hewitt Support Group, so the real life Miss Prissy definitely knows how to catch a man (it's the "not scaring him away by telling him she wants to surgically connect their fingers together so they can hold hands FOREVER" part that continues to elude her ass). JLove has caught a man by putting a plate of buffalo wings under a net and by whining him into a date, but she tells UsWeekly that the easiest way to attract peens is with vanilla!
"I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind -- and dab it on my neck. Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'"
This bitch is going around smelling like step 2 in a cake recipe or like a candle in your nana's powder room. Sure, wearing Eau de McCormick's could get you a KFed in heat, but you could also turn to the side to find Kristie Alley nom nom nom-ing on your neck like she's trying to get to the creamy part. But you know, JLove wasn't lying when she said that vanilla has a serious effect on men. I mean, just look at that picture of JLove with her Client List co-star. After sniffing on JLove's cookie-smelling neck, you know he went home and fucked the crumbs out of a box of Nilla Wafers.
The empty space next to Adam Levine isn't even cold yet (although, it never is) and Jennifer Loves Anymanwithapulse is already trying to hop on that shit. I guess you have to strike while the iron is still in rebound mode. JLove is on Ellen (via People) today to promote The Client List and she let the world know that she'd love Adam Levine to warm her cold lonely heart by pulling out and knocking off her vajazzle stones with his jizz stream. The Jennifer Aniston of basic cable made a play for Blake Shelton's girl when she said this:
"I always have my eyes out. I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again ... I'm just saying. Look, we would be cute."
I love how she casually says "just read." JLove, stop acting like we don't know you have "celebrity splits" in your Google Alerts and every time one comes up, you immediately stop reading Live Alone and Hate It to catch yourself a husband. Look in the mirror, JLove (skip to 0:34):
By the way, in that clip I'm Hazel, obviously, and every Dlisted commenter is the skinny grey hen with a sitcom waitress accent.
I swear, Adam Levine is a tattooed bag of douche water, but JLove needs to stop. I'm sure pretty sure Adam Levine only gets with Victoria's Secret models and Old Square Britches Hewitt isn't allowed in a Victoria's Secret, because she always breaks down in the dressing room about how even the stuffed animals on her bed don't care when she dresses up in sexy lingerie for them. Oh, JLove, never change. Sparkle on, you crazy, desperate vajazzle diamond, you.
Because Jennifer Love Hewitt is a shy, private and demure person, she celebrated her 33rd birthday yesterday at the long-running headquarters for fame eaters that is The Ivy. THE IVY: Where THIRSTAY hos can quench their thirst on $30 lemonade and camera flashes.
JLove, who is seriously the prototype for every desperate sadling on The Bachelor, screamed for the paparazzi to scratch her attention spot by flashing all kinds of signs that read shit like "Happy Birthday 2 Me," "Watch The Client List In April," and "Bye Pappos." You know, I shade JLove often for taking desperate to whole new desperate levels, but these pictures are kind of refreshing. Because usually if JLove's holding a sign, it reads: I NEED A MAN!!!!!!!!
It feels unnatural posting pictures of The Ivy without The Ivy's forever Poison Ivy Queen in them, so I was moved to do this:
And now I can exhale.
As Kim Kuntrashian served up a paper plate full of lukewarm publicity stunt, Kirk Douglas, who has volunteered at the L.A. Mission since the beginning of time, NOM NOM NOM-ed on a piece of turkey. The world could've been ending around Kirk, but he wouldn't have noticed since all of his focus was put into gumming the hell out of that turkey. Kirk eat, prayed and loved that piece of turkey. This pussy knows what I'm talking about. Before I recreate these pictures with a dinner roll dipped in cooking wine, I just want to wish all you sluts a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for giving my posts your eyes even though I talk about dick fromage and anuses all the time. So I'm thankful for that and thankful that dick fromage exists so I can talk about it all the time.
It's true that us Americans only have Thanksgiving dinner so that we can build up our strength for the Running of the Assholes at midnight tonight. You know, that's when we all gather at Best Buy and kill each other as we run toward a 5% off 3D Plasma TV. It's like the capitalist version of The Hunger Games. So I hope that when you knee me in the dick and chin me in the nipple to keep me from grabbing at that 3D Plasma TV, you do so with love. We're practically family!
Pimp Mama Kris recently said that her main prized pig Kim Kuntrashian has such a giving soul (more like giving hole) and always quietly gives to charity without getting any attention for doing so. Pimp Mama Kris proved to be right yesterday when Kim graciously took a break from her busy schedule of being the whoring whore of all whoring whores to feed the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission while surrounded by a team of bodyguards, half a dozen paparazzos, a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a camera crew and the souls of a dozen dead turkeys eye rolling at this blatant publicity stunt. TOTALLY INCOGNITO!
Jennifer Love Hewitt is where the word "desperate" goes to feel better about itself and yet she still doesn't look 1/10th as desperate as Kim looks. Just look at this transparent trollop dressed like "real people" and acting like she didn't drop that ladle and run to her chauffeured SUV the minute the cameras stopped clicking. Kim could find the cure for cancer in her queefs while curing a dozen orphans of the urinary retention they suffer from by baring her ass (Fact: When Kim bares her ass, the piss just comes shooting out of your piss hole), and we'd still see her as a fame whoring STUNT QUEEN heffa whore. That is the truest story ever told.
And haven't the homeless people been through enough? They're already homeless and then they had to sit there while a skank gave them their meal. They came for Thanksgiving dinner, not Skanksgiving dinner.
Eyes darting for the nearest exit, hos swallowing a yawn and a gallery of looks straight out of Faces Of Meh could only mean one thing: Jennifer Love Hewitt is trying to bring the sex again. JLove took a break from acting an episode of The Bachelorette with her stuffed animal collection to put on a titties and pits show at the Breaking Dawn premiere in L.A. last night. It went over as well a fart during ass eating. It went over as well as that joke.
I mean, I can appreciate that this heffa hiked her bronzed chichis up to the high heavens and I've always been a fan of the "airing out my weave pits" pose, but does she realize where she is? Twihards care about tits as much as they care about having some dignity! They are already desperate enough. They don't need any of the servings of desperation JLove is throwing at them with her come hither poses. This is just another sad case of not knowing your audience. Bitch should've at least thrown some Edward Cullen decals on her overheated pits.
I know, I know. This is a half-assed (or pear-assed in this case) Guess Who?, but blame Jennifer Love Hewitt for sucking at hiding her SANS FARDS face behind her purse and not providing us with a proper Guess Who?. I don't know why she suddenly sucks at hiding since she's been hiding her talents for years. (I don't mean that. JLove's busted Nancy Sinatra drag act in American Dreams was and still is a gift.) JLove did the awkward purse raise like an HSN host trying to peddle handbags at 3am while shopping for stuff in Studio City, CA yesterday.
The pained look on JLove's face could be mistaken for "My purse just farted!" face or, "My Vajazzle rash itches!" face, or "For why can't I keep a man? I will even give him this purse as a dowry!" face, but it's none of those. JLove's shirt says it all. That's the same look we all make when we've got the hard shits. Constipated face! JLove is letting the world know that her bowels need some java lube. Thanks, JLove!