Jennifer Love Hewitt
Before stomping on the red carpet at last night's Horrible Bosses premiere in L.A., Jennifer Love Hewitt evoked the voodoo spirit of the Kardashians when she took a deep breath and stuffed herself into a Herve Leger straitjacket dress with the help of a Spanx cocoon, a tablespoon of the lubricating drool Khloe Kardashian secretes when she tries to digest a warthog whole, a fleet of Dutch barges, 2011's sausage maker of the year and who ever yanks John Travolta's butt plug out when he clenches too hard. JLove's shit is so tight that I can practically see the print of her Vajazzle stones.
JLove shares my motto that if your ribs aren't screaming for mercy, your head isn't dizzy from suffocation and your legs look like they aren't exhaling giant hot brefs of relief from not being mummified, then the dress is not tight enough!
I'd like to think that Mariska Hargitay can see the future and knew this hurtful rumor was coming, which is why she has a look on her face in the picture above that says: "This is the mess you're going to replace me with?"
Deadline Hollywood says that Mariska will make next season of Law & Order: SVU her last and the producers are now looking for the lucky actress who gets to share space with Christopher Meloni's freshly waxed chest clits. Jennifer Love Hewitt guest starred on SVU last season as a rape victim and the producers must've been hypnotized by the shiny sparkles jumping off her crotch crystals, because her name has come up as a possibility for the new lady detective. They haven't offered her the job yet, but they're talking to her about it.
The only Law & Order Jennifer Love Hewitt belongs on is Law & Order: Candyland. This is like replacing a lion with a whiny kitten who only stops meowing if you pet her.
With Detective JLove on the case, the number of false confessions will hit record numbers. Get Det. JLove in a locked room with a suspect and the talk will quickly turn to how she doesn't understand why her boyfriend won't propose to her, and why didn't he get the hint when she bedazzled her crotch with the words "PROPOSE TO ME ALREADY!", and why did he give her the middle finger instead of putting an engagement ring on her finger, and why did he say "lose my number" instead of saying "marry me" before leaving her apartment that morning? And Why? And Why? And whywhywhy?
That really is the quickest way to get an innocent man to scream: I DID IT! GAS ME!
That cracking sound you heard was from a dozen of Jennifer Love Hewitt's friends breaking their eye bones (YES, we have eye bones) from rolling so hard after seeing that she has called them after a year of silence. Yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is forever that friend who isn't even trying to have contact with you while she's got a man but will stick to you like sperm on a Duggar ovary when she doesn't. Well, JLove's friends will have to pry her off with whatever you use to pry size 2 clingers off of you, because she's single again. The basic cable Jennifer Aniston has let it be known to UsWeekly that she has quit it with her boyfriend of a year Alex Beh.
This is the same Alex Beh who JLove said brought her flowers every day. It's also the same Alex Beh who knew that JLove already had three Tiffany engagement rings picked out just in case he wanted to propose. And now he's the Alex Beh who's the latest member of The Exes of Jennifer Love Hewitt Club that meets once a week in the basement of a church and bowls together as a team every Sunday afternoon.
We can all sit here and type that JLove needs to put the STOP in desperate, but this is just her way. She gets a man, drools nauseating love hearts all over him, proclaims to the world that he's better than nipple cream and when the relationship ends she uses her tears to stick rhinestones onto her vagina before she finds another man. Barf, rinse, repeat, etc...
Ho is probably uttering out an "I love you" right now to the valet at the vajazzle salon.
This is what happens when you watch too much Sex and the City, especially any scenes with Charlotte York. Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dating Alex Beh for around 7 months and she tells Ellen (via UsWeekly) that she's made it extra easy for him if he ever choose to ask her to be his future ex-fiancee. JLove doesn't care if the dude promises to be with her no matter how many shit Lifetime movies she does. All she cares about is the ring. JLove, who puts the rat in desperate, already has 3 rings picked out.
"I actually have three because I feel like I'm doing the guy a favor. Women are very confusing. We never know what we want and we're not very good at nailing that down for them. I feel like I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring.
If it gets to that conversation. If marriage comes up, I'm like, "You know what's so weird. There is this store [Tiffany's] and there are three rings in it... And if you chose one of these three, I'm going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So why would you want to do that?"
You know what really makes an awful, awkward moment? Telling your boyfriend that you've already picked out three engagement rings and he'll make the biggest mistake of his life if he doesn't choose one of them. Hopefully, the people at Tiffany's have Alex's back if he decides to go there. They'll show him the three stupid rings as well as a diamond noose and a diamond vajazzle kit to give to JLove as a break-up gift. Just so he knows what all of his options are.
This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he's in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, "HOLD IT IN!!!" Just uncomfortable as all hell.
Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he's just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly's trailer toilet. It's like he'd rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on...
You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she's pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.
But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.
Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.
Here's a few others at last night's event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.
When hos quit their piece, they usually drown their sorrows in a hard peen, a bowl of sweetened pancake batter or a Flowbee. JLove went with the latter and ripped her extensions out following her break-up from Jamie Kennedy. You know, because cum dust from your ex can still linger even if you shampoo that shit.
JLove totally threw herself a "Single and LOVIN' It" slumber party with her girlfriends where they vagazzled their parts and later helped her cut her hair as they shouted the lyrics to "How Do I Deal?" JLove is basically a walking musical montage from a early 90s romantic comedy.
And that haircut makes her look like she spends her mornings drawing happy faces and hearts on her children's brown paper lunch bags.
Somewhere in a 2-bedroom townhouse in the Valley, Jamie Kennedy is pawing at the wounds JLove's vagazzled snatch left on his fupa and thinking about how much he'll miss chewing on her "pear ass" (and you know he topped it with cottage cheese too). That's because JLove and Jamie have sent their relationship down the gutter of broken hearts. After about a year of dating, JLove's spokesbitch tells People that they are no longer together. And Jamie better polish up his resume, because ho is going to get pink-slipped from The Ghost Whisperer any day now.
Don't eat an entire Entenmann's cake for JLove, though. I'm sure she's already holding hands with a new dude in the quad. Right before she gave Jamie Kennedy a mix-tape of break-up songs, she passed some random dude a note in homeroom that read: "Will you go around with me? Circle yes or no." Yes, bitch is a devoted member of the "Don't Quit A Man Until You've Got A New One" club. So her vagazzled vag is still sparkling. And Jamie's still got a face like the creepy history teacher who tells the girls how pretty they look in their short skirts.
Jennifer Love Hewitt recently told George Lopez of all people about how she regularly vagazzles her chocha and recommends that every woman join her. Well, Bryce Gruber from the Luxury Spot got vajazzled at a salon in NYC to see what the hell that moron JLove is raving about.
I learned a few things while watching this enlightening video. First of all, they shouldn't call it vagazzling, because the crystals don't actually touch your puss. They should call it fupazzling.
Second of all, getting fupazzled really limits all the sexual positions you can do with your fuck time partner. Well, unless your fuck partner gets off on getting scratched the hell up by sharp objects.
Third of all, the fupazzling makers should really market this towards crazed Twitards, because this looks like a syphilis rash you would get from Edward Cullen.
Fourth of all, the "look 4 less" version of this can be achieved using an old stencil, a can of silver spray paint and a handful of craft glitter.
For her 30th birthday last year, Jennifer Love Hewitt wet farted all over Audrey Hepburn's good memory by dressing up as a special needs Holly Golightly and posing for the paps in front of Tiffany's. Audrey hasn't stopped pirouetting in her grave since then.
Well, for her 31st birthday this year, JLove finally left Audrey alone. Instead, JLove slipped on a pair of cankle warmers, threw one of Lady CaCa's parched pubic bows on her head and posed for the paparazzi outside of her house.
You know, I'm going to leave this one alone, because if she wants to dress up like a thirsty anus for her birthday...LET HER! Although, next year she should just go all the way and dress up as an actual thirsty anus. Correct: a bedazzled thirsty anus.
On last night's Lopez Tonight, Jennifer Love Hewitt was on the show to whore out her new book on relationships and dating. That's another joke for another day. In the book, JLove writes about how she decorated her vagina with crystals after a break-up. Yes, bitch gave herself an Edward Cullen creampie!
JLove loves her disco ball pussy so much that she thinks all women should look like Glamberace directly blew an air kiss into their coochie.
Is nothing sacred anymore?! There's already a pussy dye out to make your labia toddler pink again, and now JLove wants you to throw some rhinestones on it?! FOR WHY?! Is JLove's vagina going to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars? Seriously, unless you're planning on entering your pussy into a child beauty pageant or RuPaul's Drag Race, there's no reason for you to vagazzle your business.
That being said, I must excuse myself, because my no-no has an intimate date with a BeDazzler.