Tyra Banks

This season of America's Next Top JCPenney Newspaper Supplement Model: The Midge Edition is getting the worst ratings in the show's history. So TyTy Banks is shaking things up in order to get hos watching again. Gatecrasher reports that Miss J Alexander has been kicked off of the judge's table and will go back to coaching the girls on the correct way to sashay on the runway.

Joining TyTy and Nigel Barker as head judges will be Kimora Lee Simmons and Vogue's Sultan of Side-Eyes Andre Leon Talley. Kimora was a judge on the first season of ANTM, but she was replaced by Janice Dickinson for whatever reason (aka TyTy fired her).

So, Andre Leon Talley, Kimora Lee Simmons and TyTy will all be sitting together....in the same room....in a row. CODE EGO. The fire department better be on hand at all times just in case these three bump heads. If they do, there will be an explosion of epic proportions and Nigel's sexy ass will find himself trapped in a pile of weaves, paper fans, tarantula lashes and Spanx. And that's just from Andre Leon Talley!

Since Andre is involved in Top Model now, does that mean the winner will get a spread in Vogue Antarctica?

When Miss J isn't pursing his lips (you choose which pair) at the judge's table on America's Next Top Model, he's chasing a 7-year-old boy around in stiletto heels. If you're having trouble imagining that picture. Just think of an extra feathery ostrich trying to catch a screeching mouse. There.

On The MeMeMeMeMe Show today, Miss J told TyTy Banks that he's the co-father of a 7-year-old boy.

It all started when a friend asked Miss J and his boyfriend to donate a drop of their creme de la cock so that she could bake a baby in her womb. Miss J explained, "A French lesbian had asked if we would be sperm donors. "So we thought, 'OK, you want me to do you?' And she was like, 'Ooooh, I'm not that talented.' So I said, 'Okay fine.' So we did a little test tube."

Miss J's ex-boyfriend is the boy's bio-daddy, but he's still involved in his life. Miss J said that his refined manners have started to rub off on his son, "He was toilet-trained at a year and three months. He refuses to drink out of plastic and will use only glass. He insists on wearing nice shoes. I think somehow my fashion genes must have slipped in there."

Cut to me wearing one stained sock (I don't know where the other one went) and sipping from a plastic 2-liter Coke bottle filled with water (I'm too lazy to get up to refill a glass all the time). Basically, Miss J's 7-year-old son is fancier than I am. I wonder if Miss J is taking applications?

VIA UsWeekly

On last night's America's Next Top Model, Ty Ty The Terrible spray painted the girls in blackface for a bi-racial photo shoot. Harry Connick Jr. just quit this bitch.

Well, on Friday's Halloween episode of The Ty Ty Show, she donned whoreface to play Kim Kardassian. Yes, this is Ty Ty's idea of a Halloween costume. What a stretch. Ty Ty should've stuffed her ass area with a few of her old weaves, because her butt isn't even as big as one of Kim's dingles.

Image: Warner Bros./Michael Loccisano

TyTy Baby's talk show is usually full shit, but this Friday's episode is really going to be full of shit. LITERALLY.

TyTy is bragging about how her show will air the first ever televised colonic. Unfortunately, it won't be performed on her mouth. Instead, some unlucky bitch will get their caca sucked out while TyTy's audience and the entire country watches on. You know TyTy is going to stand over the poor soul and ask, "Is your asshole smizing?!"

Some people can't even poop with their cat in the bathroom staring at them, so I can only imagine how it must feel to have a tube up your no-no while a crowd dry heaves in front of you. Actually, I don't really have to imagine it since that's how I spent my weekend, and it wasn't fun as I thought it was going to be.

And I wonder how TyTy is going to top this one? On the next Tyra: TyTy gets to the bottom of menstrual berries!!

In a new episode of Gossip Girl, TyTy Banks plays actress Ursula Nyquil (typo and it stays) who is starring in a movie version of Josephine Baker's life. Do they give out Razzie Awards for TV?

TyTy told People that she set some sort of record for Gossip Girl, because she had seven wig changes. I'm sure that on an upcoming Tyra Banks Show (aka The Hour Of MEMEMEMEMEMEME), she will talk all about how she's setting records and revolutionizing prime television one wig at a time. But what she should really focus on is her perfect Sharpie eyebrow game.

For the first time in HISTORY, I'm actually giving her a standing ovation for proper Sharpie use! Those exquisite cholita eyebrows keeps her from looking like a shellacked mannequin. Perfect eyebrow game always saves the day! Okay, she still looks like a shellacked mannequin, but at least she has beautiful glambrows now.

We finally know the secret to shutting up TyTy Baby's mouth hole in a quick second! Just ask her about Janice Dickinson and Paulina Porizkova. That's what Cynthia McFadden did during her interview with TyTy which aired on Nightline last night.

Cynthia, who needs take a lesson at the Learning Annex on how to pronounce Paulina Porizkova's name right, asked a question she was told NOT to ask. TyTy's spokeswhore immediately told Cynthia not to go there, but she didn't listen.

Cynthia grabbed her shank and went right in. The look on TyTy's face is priceless. I was waiting for her to pull her weave out and headbutt Cynthia in the mouth. It would've been game over for Cynthia, because TyTy's infinityhead of destruction is no joke.

After a few awkward seconds of TyTy trying to keep her composure while freaking out inside, Cynthia said that people were saying that Janice and Paulina were just jealous. This prompted TyTy to respond, "Is that what you think? You said it! Is that what you think? You said it! I do interviews! You said it!"

YES! I love it when TyTy completely turns inside out while getting a taste of her own medicine. You said it! I didn't say it!

On the season premiere of The MeMeMeMeMe Show today, Ty Ty Banks left her wig in her dressing room and came out with her real hair in all its natural glory!! Well, not completely natural. Ty Ty wet it down using the tears of fallen Top Model contestants and slicked it back before she came out.

You know, on the show Ty Ty kept saying that everyone have always thought she was balding like Jon Gosselin underneath her wig. I always figured that underneath Ty Ty's wig was a massive hard-drive which comes up with all her "brilliant" ideas. So I was kind of shocked (not really).

And if Ty Ty really wants to unveil a mystery, she should get Kim Zolciak to rip off her 10-part wig. Actually, I don't know if we're ready for that. All of the world's scariest nightmares are probably hiding under there.

The First Lady of Crazy is currently on a diet where she only eats the souls of America's Next Top Model contestants, so this mean she's not eating any kind of junk food. And if Ty Ty isn't eating delicious greasiness than neither is anyone around her!

If you're one of Ty Ty's friends, you better keep a damn Snickers in your titty area so that you sneak a bite in the bathroom stall on the down low.

A source tells Fox411, “She has become so strict with her diet that she can’t even stand for junk food or fattening food to be around her. So she’s basically telling anyone she eats with what they can and can’t order. Most people think she’s joking at first, but then they realize she actually expects them to follow her eating rules too. She tells them: ‘If I’m not eating it, you’re not eating it!’”

Ty Ty is serious! You know what this means? This means we all need to get on the phone with Papa John's and order EVERYTHING with extra dipping butter (containing 8,000 grams of fat) to be delivered directly to Ty Ty's office. Then we'll all gather outside of her office with wine coolers and watch as she blows through the roof and into the air. Crazyworks!

Paulina Porizkova was fired from America's Next Top MySpace Model on her birfday (Happy Birfdays!) and was told she had an ego problem. Paulina, who has never been afraid to get extra cunty, told Billy Bush that Ty Ty Baby is a vainglorious monster! Yeah, in other shocking news, that thing on Ty Ty's head had a previous life as an Afghan Hound.

Paulina told Billy that her main problem was that she would be sitting around, eating her toe nails, waiting for her majesty to show up, “It’s six hours later and I feel like I am being told my time is not as valuable as hers. They pointed out that I should shut up and be grateful for the job and that Tyra is really busy. I think that my little hissy fits about ‘Well, we are all here on time. Why can’t she?’ didn’t go over all that well."

When asked if she thinks Ty Ty just can't stand another vagina on the panel, Paulina said her firing had nothing to do with that, “I don’t think that in Tyra’s universe that’s even a consideration. I don’t think she cares. I’m not even sure she was aware that I existed way out there in Siberia, much like I am not sure she knew Twiggy existed.”

And Paulina said she doesn't even know what kind of person Ty Ty is in real life, because they only talked on camera, “All I know of her is literally when we are on set talking to each other in front of the cameras. That is the only time she would speak to me.”

In Ty Ty's defense, it's impossible for her to do anything off camera. No, it's scientifically impossible. If a camera's not on her, she goes to sleep and a screensaver pops (a picture of her, of course). Ty Ty is powered by the cameras! That's her only energy source! So Paulina shouldn't judge her for that!

Paulina should also sleep with two eyes open and a bottle of make-up remover under her pillow (her only defense against Ty Ty), because bitch is going to get it.

Paulina Porizkova has a new Birfday memory! Every year, she can think back to the birfday where Ty Ty quit her ass! Last night on Craig Ferguson, Paulina said she received a call on her birfday from the America's Next Top Model producers telling her to get all her shit out and sit on the curb, because she was fa-fa-fa-fired! Paulina said, "The reason I was told I was fired was because it seemed that America’s Next Top Model has gotten too fat and they needed to cut some fat and the fat was me. So I figured it was either that or my gigantic huge ego. Which I wasn’t aware of until I was told by the producers that I have an ego problem."

When I read the last part, I had to swallow my coffee really fast, because I knew that shit would come squirting out in a quick millisecond. Cut the fat?! Huge ego?! I'm staring at Ty Ty and laughing with my eyes. That's the pot calling the kettle an egotistical fat ass. Yeah, Paulina was a bitch, but that's how I like 'em. Ty Ty really just can't handle another bitch in the room.

At this point, they shouldn't even bother getting another model to replace Paulina. In fact, they should fire all the judges. All except Ty Ty, of course. They should just get several cardboard cut-outs of Tyrannosaurus Banks and sit them at the judges table. Crazy ass Ty Ty can do all the voices for them. I mean, that's where this shit is headed. Ty Ty can also be all the contestants too. And SPOILER ALERT, she'll win in the end. America's Next Top ME starring Ty Ty.

VIA Entertainment Weekly