Heidi Klum

Yes, Seal does have a last name, and his wife of four years Heidi Klum has officially taken it. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a commissioner (just think of Michael Chiklis) declared that Heidi Klum is officially Heidi Samuel. Yeah, Heidi Samuel doesn't make my Schnitzel tingle as much as Heidi Klum, but she's doing it for love. Love makes you do crazy things like wipe nostril diarrhea from your man's nose when he's sick and use his name on your drivers license. Go figure.

Heidi's rep would not say whether or not she plans to use her new last name professionally.

Not only does Seal have a last name, but he also has like fifty middle names. Dude's full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. If you don't have a middle name, send hate mail to Seal, because that ho hogged them all up for himself.

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Heidi Klum's crotch will no longer be in the shadow of her enormous belly, because she finally birthed one of those baby things early this morning. Heidi's crotch can finally get some sun. Yipeee.

Radar says that Heidi and Seal's second baby friend (her third) has a vagina and they named her Lou Samuel.

You know, I didn't smack my lips or rotate my eyes when reading that name, so it's fine by me. I actually like old man names for little girls. Think about it. A girl in a pink dress and pig tails with the name Horrice, Angus or Clarence is pretty damn adorable.....if you're stoned.

However, I'm not sure if it works with boys too. We should put it to the test. The first one of you who pops out a boy, better name him Bertha or Myrtle. Tell me how that goes.

Heidi Klum must have queefed into one of Karl Lagerfeld's cup of virgin's blood, because she is #2 on his hit list right after food. It wasn't too long ago that Karl slithered out of his coffin to say that Heidi could never walk in a high-fashion show, because she is so fat that she would break the catwalk in two. Basically.

Well, Karl has whipped Heidi with his glistening white mane of electrocuted Brillo pads once again. This time Karl has decided to go after Heidi's husband Seal. Specifically, Seal's face scars which were caused by a condition called discoid lupus erythematosus.

Kunty Karl said, "I am no dermatologist but I wouldn't want his skin. Mine looks better than his. He is covered in craters."

Karl's skin looks like the remnants of a hot dog that exploded in the microwave, so he would be wrong.

And you know how we all joke about that parade down to the ninth circle of Hell we're all going to march in? Well, Kunty Karl is going to be the Grand Marshal!

Source VIA Gawker

Every year, Heidi Klum and Seal renew their vows, because they are full of love....and themselves....and money. So why not, I guess? Usually, they go down to Mexico, but because the pigs are coughing on everyone and giving them the shits, they opted not to. Instead they threw themselves a "white trash" themed party at a friend's beach house in Malibu. You know, because she's knocked up, so they thought it would be heeeee-larious. That is RACIST towards Brit Brit!!! And seriously, if they were going to do this shit, they should've done it right and hired Our Lady of Cheetos as their wedding coordinator.

I mean, Heidi Klum braided her hair, Seal wore a mullet wig, an Elvis impersonator presided over the ceremony and they decorated the joint with pink flamingos. What the fuck kind of white trash wedding is this?! Where's the screaming naked baby on the arm of the bride? Where's the possum on a barbie? Where's the PURPLE DRANK? Where's the mattress surfing? Where's the bouquet made out of Natty Ice cans? This is just a bunch of rich hos trying to do it Spears-style and failing!

Here's more pictures from this bunk ass affair including some of Debra Messing who I think got confused and thought it was a BLOODS themed wedding.

I guess Seal's peen kissed Heidi Klum's rose (sorry), because she's got one of those baby things in her womb again! That's what sources close to the couple say anyway. According to E!, Heidi's baby has been cooking for around 4 months.

This baby friend will be her fourth child and her third with Seal. They already have two sons with reaaaaaaallly long names, 3-year-old Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel and 2-year-old Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel. Damn, my eyeballs are heaving and shit from reading those two hundred mile long names. Heidi's 4-year-old daughter with Italian money bags Flavio Briatore has a much shorter name, Helene Klum. Do you think Leni feels inadequate with such a short name?

The seventh season of Project Runway will start shooting this summer, so Heidi will be really fat in all of the episodes. Oh, I can't wait for the maternity challenge, because you know it's coming. I hope they make the contestants use diapers as fabric and OctoMommy can be a judge.

Anyway, congrats to these fuck fiends! Heidi should remember to save her baby's placenta for a little placentaschnitzel.

Here's Heidi with her kids in NYC yesterday.

Why does Heidi Klum look like she's posing for quarters in some Equus boots on a street bench in front of a crowd of damn strangers?! I thought that the recession had claimed another victim, but she's actually just doing something model shit for German Vogue in Beverly Hills.

You know Posh is somewhere in the world strapped to an IV bag filled with the period blood of virgins and laughing at Heidi! Cackling! Heidi can't even get up in those things! If she Posh actually did any kind of exercise, she'd wear those "kill me now" platforms while running a marathon.

And I am jealous about that steel rainbow popping out of Heidi's ass.

The new season of Germany's Next Top Model hosted by Heidi Klum just premiered, so I guess the papers started asking deezigners if they think Heidi could make it as a runway model today. This prompted one designer to say that she's so chunky that she would break the catwalk in two. Basically.

Deeeeezigner Wolfgang Joop told Bild,“She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde – that is commercial!”

True. She doesn't look like she poops out butt nuggets the size of a rabbit's. She also doesn't look like she'd end up in the next country if you sneezed near her. And she doesn't look like she's in dire need of a massage from a defibrillator. So in that respect. No, she doesn't look like a runway model.

Karl Lagerfeld also chirped in. He crawled out from his tomb, quietly ate his salad made from virgin souls and said in between bites, “I don’t know Heidi Klum. She was never known in France. Claudia Schiffer also doesn’t know who she is.”

What the fuck is Karl even saying? Bitch never takes his sunglasses off, so how does he know what she even looks like?! He probably confuses his toothbrush for Kate Moss all the time. The bitch needs to take off his glasses and get a good look. He knows who that bitch Heidi is!

Also, am I the only one bothered by the fact that Heidi's panties and bra don't match in the picture above. It bothers me so much that I want to Photoshop them to match.

Every year Heidi Klum throws a huge Halloween party and this bitch usually gets dressed up in some extravagant shit that makes all of us look like we should just go home and let the professional do her job. Yes, Heidi is the grand dame of Halloween!

Heidi did not disappoint with her costume last night. She went as Hindu goddess Kali. You know she was in make-up for fucking days. As hot as she looks, this costume is not for everyone.

Imagine getting wasted in this mess? I would probably accidentally stab myself in the asshole with that sword or get really intimate with one of those severed heads thinking it's some hot dude. And those cut-off arms hanging down below could come in handy if your private area is feeling tingly and you need a little help. Okay...I'm starting to see the positives in wearing this craziness.

Heidi's dude, Seal, dressed as some warrior finger banger. I'm sure he dressed as someone specific, but I'm dumb in the brains and it's too early for me to spend my time going on a google search. Scream at me if you know the answer.

Other guests at Heidi's soiree included Christian Siriano as Cruelle de Ville, Pink as some curious lesbian clown doll and Marc Bower as a gay angel of death.

JLo was supposed to be the final guest judge on "Project Runway," but she hurt her foot and couldn't make the runway show today. Hey, don't laugh! It must be hard on her poor feetsies having to carry around that four-ton ego every single day. One of her feet finally cried "mercy" and gave in.

She really doesn't need the use of her stupid feet to sit there and judge a fashion contest. Skeletor could've put her ass on a dolly and wheeled her in. It's not like the bitch walks around anyway. Even if her hoof wasn't jacked up, she would've been carried in. I guess this means JLo's not going to compete in a triathlon this weekend. How fucking convenient. She's going to make the Dragon Tales Twins compete in her place.

Tim Gunn replaced JLo as the finale judge. He's better than her ass anyway. Nobody cares about fashion more than Tim Gun! I mean, when he's looking at a dress, he always puts his hand on his chin. That shows that he cares and is really thinking this shit through!

Project Rungay has pictures from the entire show. All six remaining designers showed collections, so there isn't any major spoilers on who the finalists are. I'm totally rooting for that grouchy ass Korto! Have you ever seen her crack a smile? She's my kind!

The time has come for Posh Beckham to bid farewell to that guinea pig mop sitting on her alien head. It came, it saw, it conquered. She needs to change it up and do something unexpected. I'm thinking afro puffs or possibly a spiral permed femullet. Now that shit would be hot. I'd even settle for a flat top.

Anyway, good ole' Posh threw a birthday party for her son Romeo at the Hard Rock Cafe in Universal City yesterday. It's obvious what her boys are dressed as, but what's Posh's costume? White Oprah's orange clit?

Ginger Spice, Heidi Klum and Gavin Rossdale also showed up to Romeo's party. Don't even say Posh and Heidi didn't dress right for a kid's birthday party. You would wear the same shit if all you had to do was sit there and boss the nannies around.