Heidi Klum

Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done.

"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."

TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn't soothing Seal's ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does.

Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal's in Heidi, the next day Seal's out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can't take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to "Kiss From A Rose" more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi's song on YouTube. That's the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup.

And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add "Stunt Queen Moves" to its reasons for divorce list.

The world almost experienced a mass pumpkin suicide yesterday when TMZ heard that the reigning king and queen of Halloween, Heidi Klum and Seal, were making plans to murder the life out of their marriage after 6 years together. Cherubs turned their arrows on themselves and lovebirds made plans to legally change their name to loveisaliebirds. But everybody can stop now, because one of People's sources say that TMZ is being a melodramatic tea-spilling queen. Because although Heidi and Seal have hit a rough patch (Side note: Whenever anyone uses the phrase "rough patch" when talking about relationships problems, I always picture that rash you get when you rub up against a crotch with serious pube stubble.), they aren't making plans to legally quit each other anytime soon.

Heidi and Seal's marriage is getting shanked in the ass by a rose, but they're still trying to work it out. The source says that before Heidi leaves for Germany to shoot Germany's Top Model and Seal leaves for Australia to do The Voice over there, they are spending time together at home in Brentwood. Cut to the source: "They've been fighting a lot lately, but they have no plans to announce a split right now. They're not divorcing. They seem to be doing a lot better. They're both wearing their wedding bands."

Wait. So Heidi and Seal are trying to fix their marriage by spending all their time together? Didn't spending time together fuck them up in the first place? The problem is that they're always fighting, so now they're in a house together where they can fight all the time. The fuck kind of solution is that? If that solution was on a dress form, Tim Gunn would sashay in and kick it to the floor before saying "Make it work!"

I think that when a married couple is fighting all the time and they need to be in the same house together they should look to Oprah's "pretend you have a British houseguest" marital advice as the solution to their problems. And by that I mean, they should stop fighting to make fun of Oprah and her ridiculous ass marital advice. Making fun of Oprah can be the glue that holds your marriage together.

The answer to the question "Does true love last forever?" has just been answered with the sad image of Heidi Klum's vagina saying "One day you're in, ze next day you're aught!" to Seal's peen (which I'm pretty sure looks like this). Today is the day that Halloween and the meaning of love have joined hands and jumped to their deaths, because TMZ reports that Heidi Klum has kissed her marriage to Seal on both cheeks before saying "auf wiedersehen" to it after 6 years

This is not supposed to happen and TMZ doesn't have a lot of answers. They're hearing that Heidi will drop divorce papers into the hands of the L.A. County Superior Court by as early as next week, but they don't say specifically why she's clubbing her marriage. Heidi and Seal seemed like they were both queefing out hearts for each other when they were together in Aspen over the holidays, so some for real shit must've went down between then and now.

How can a couple who spread the cheese thick every year by renewing their vows in a lavish ceremony not make it? How can a couple who kept the costume industry alive by wearing lavish coordinating costumes every Halloween not last forever? How can a couple who has inspired me to use the word "LAVISH" twice in one paragraph not stay together till the end of time? WE NEED ANSWERS! Heidi and Seal owe it to us to gently sit us down at the table in the eat-in kitchen, give us each a juice box and tell us with puppets why daddy is moving out.

Oh vel, the only good thing to come out of this is that Heidi and Seal will renew their divorce vows in a LAVISH ceremony every year while wearing LAVISH costumes. Keep the lavishness alive, HeiSea!

No, this can't be Heidi Montag without her Mattel-made plastic shell on, because she already replaced all her muscles and veins with time release fake tan pouches and tubes filled with Victoria's Secret passion fruit body spray. This is the winner of every Halloween Heidi Klum simultaneously making Buffalo Bill and The BODIES exhibit dude rub at their foreskin by showing up to her Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night dressed up like the human anatomy chart in my 7th grade science classroom. Or maybe Heidi is Courtney Stodden after she sheds her porn iguana skin off through the power of sexy face. Or maybe she's the state of Lindsay Lohan's career? Or Skeletor's lipstick dick after he humps the side of the ottoman for too long? Whatever she is, bitch wins at Halloween yet again.

If you're fuck deficient when it comes to dressing up for Halloween, then don't worry, because Heidi is Halloween-ing for all of us.

Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...

Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!

Jennifer Hudson is like my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen: Every time I see her, she looks skinnier and skinnier. But unlike my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen, JHud has no trouble standing erect without the help of a 2-hour hand job, a lot of coaching and a mess of Viagra. (I think).

JHud, who is putting out a weight-loss book soon (Chapter 1 - Become a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. If that's not possible, smoke crack and bid adieu to all your ribs), nearly made her fingers kiss when she posed on the carpet at amfAR's Inspiration Gala in NYC last night. Ugh. When I put my hands around my waist, my fingers can barely see each other's tips because a hilly mound of bloat is blocking their view of each other. If Weigh Watchers had Cheetos nachos, Frosted Circus Animal Cookies and Coke Margaritas on their menu and gave complimentary lipo each week, I'd totally join! If JHud loses anymore weight, she'll win every single Verdine White look-alike contest and that's reason enough to be mad at her.

Here's more of JHud at last night's amfAR along with: Ke$hit (who gets a D- for her tuck game), Heidi Klum, James Franco, Lance Bass and a melting Victorian Vampire wax doll with an American History X extra.

Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.

While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.

If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.

Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.

The bird pimp of Pahrump, Heidi Fleiss, spent her Thanksgiving Day sitting on the bumper of a fire truck with her harem of parrots watching a mob of flames take over their house. At TMZ, they have video of Heidi's house in Pahrump, NV burning away on Thanksgiving morning. Insert your own "never let a parrot be the foreman of a meth lab" joke here.

Heidi told Fox5 Las Vegas that she was able to get out with most of her loyal bird friends. Hopefully, most means all.

Heidi also says that the fire started in her chimney "which lacked a spark arrestor, a device that prevents sparks from escaping into other parts of the home." The fire department is currently investigating the cause of the fire. And here I was thinking I had the shittiest Thanksgiving, because I turned the TV on after dinner and was only able to catch the last 10 minutes of Heathers. I missed the best parts!

Gretchen Jones, the lip-challenged Mii avatar who is best known for designing a caca-colored diaper, might have won Project Runway, but Heidi Klum wore runner-up Mondo Guerra's finale dress to the Black Swan premiere in Los Angeles last night. Except Heidi took a machete to the sleeves.

And in the spirit of Michael Kors, Heidi looks like the graveyard shift hostess at a Lady Miss Kier theme restaurant in the suburbs of Amsterdam.

Why did anybody even bother throwing a Slutty Chilean Miner costume from Rite-Aid over their bodies when Heidi Klum turns this shit into a one-woman Halloween EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA every damn year. At Heidi's annual Halloween party in NYC last night, she told comfort to fuck off and showed up dressed like the robotic alien leader from RiRi's home planet (the Magic 8-Ball forehead gave it away).

This is a costume for a strong bitch who isn't going to cry (actually, crying in this costume is impossible) when every pore and hole starts hyperventilating and gasping for a shot of air. Heidi must've had an asthma inhaler shoved up her cooch so her crotch didn't pass out.

How can Heidi Klum properly celebrate Whoreoween in this shit? No getting fucked up. No carefully choreographed "wardrobe malfunctions." No passing out face first in a men's room urinal or on the dick of a stranger. None of that!

And Heidi's digestive system and bladder must train for this day all month long since they have to keep their shit together (literally) for the entire night. You can't just go for a quick pee pee times when it takes Mike Holmes, two jaws of life, and the extra large jar of grease your grandma keeps under her kitchen sink to get you out of your costume.

Here's more of the Keeper of Halloween and her husband Seal (who went as a roided-up Silver Surfer, or maybe he's one of The Silver Fox's platinum jizz balls...) at their party last night.