Jennifer Hudson is like my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen: Every time I see her, she looks skinnier and skinnier. But unlike my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen, JHud has no trouble standing erect without the help of a 2-hour hand job, a lot of coaching and a mess of Viagra. (I think).
JHud, who is putting out a weight-loss book soon (Chapter 1 - Become a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. If that's not possible, smoke crack and bid adieu to all your ribs), nearly made her fingers kiss when she posed on the carpet at amfAR's Inspiration Gala in NYC last night. Ugh. When I put my hands around my waist, my fingers can barely see each other's tips because a hilly mound of bloat is blocking their view of each other. If Weigh Watchers had Cheetos nachos, Frosted Circus Animal Cookies and Coke Margaritas on their menu and gave complimentary lipo each week, I'd totally join! If JHud loses anymore weight, she'll win every single Verdine White look-alike contest and that's reason enough to be mad at her.
Here's more of JHud at last night's amfAR along with: Ke$hit (who gets a D- for her tuck game), Heidi Klum, James Franco, Lance Bass and a melting Victorian Vampire wax doll with an American History X extra.
Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.
Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.
The bird pimp of Pahrump, Heidi Fleiss, spent her Thanksgiving Day sitting on the bumper of a fire truck with her harem of parrots watching a mob of flames take over their house. At TMZ, they have video of Heidi's house in Pahrump, NV burning away on Thanksgiving morning. Insert your own "never let a parrot be the foreman of a meth lab" joke here.
Heidi told Fox5 Las Vegas that she was able to get out with most of her loyal bird friends. Hopefully, most means all.
Heidi also says that the fire started in her chimney "which lacked a spark arrestor, a device that prevents sparks from escaping into other parts of the home." The fire department is currently investigating the cause of the fire. And here I was thinking I had the shittiest Thanksgiving, because I turned the TV on after dinner and was only able to catch the last 10 minutes of Heathers. I missed the best parts!
Gretchen Jones, the lip-challenged Mii avatar who is best known for designing a caca-colored diaper, might have won Project Runway, but Heidi Klum wore runner-up Mondo Guerra's finale dress to the Black Swan premiere in Los Angeles last night. Except Heidi took a machete to the sleeves.
And in the spirit of Michael Kors, Heidi looks like the graveyard shift hostess at a Lady Miss Kier theme restaurant in the suburbs of Amsterdam.
Why did anybody even bother throwing a Slutty Chilean Miner costume from Rite-Aid over their bodies when Heidi Klum turns this shit into a one-woman Halloween EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA every damn year. At Heidi's annual Halloween party in NYC last night, she told comfort to fuck off and showed up dressed like the robotic alien leader from RiRi's home planet (the Magic 8-Ball forehead gave it away).
This is a costume for a strong bitch who isn't going to cry (actually, crying in this costume is impossible) when every pore and hole starts hyperventilating and gasping for a shot of air. Heidi must've had an asthma inhaler shoved up her cooch so her crotch didn't pass out.
How can Heidi Klum properly celebrate Whoreoween in this shit? No getting fucked up. No carefully choreographed "wardrobe malfunctions." No passing out face first in a men's room urinal or on the dick of a stranger. None of that!
And Heidi's digestive system and bladder must train for this day all month long since they have to keep their shit together (literally) for the entire night. You can't just go for a quick pee pee times when it takes Mike Holmes, two jaws of life, and the extra large jar of grease your grandma keeps under her kitchen sink to get you out of your costume.
Here's more of the Keeper of Halloween and her husband Seal (who went as a roided-up Silver Surfer, or maybe he's one of The Silver Fox's platinum jizz balls...) at their party last night.
Yes, Seal does have a last name, and his wife of four years Heidi Klum has officially taken it. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a commissioner (just think of Michael Chiklis) declared that Heidi Klum is officially Heidi Samuel. Yeah, Heidi Samuel doesn't make my Schnitzel tingle as much as Heidi Klum, but she's doing it for love. Love makes you do crazy things like wipe nostril diarrhea from your man's nose when he's sick and use his name on your drivers license. Go figure.
Heidi's rep would not say whether or not she plans to use her new last name professionally.
Not only does Seal have a last name, but he also has like fifty middle names. Dude's full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. If you don't have a middle name, send hate mail to Seal, because that ho hogged them all up for himself.
Heidi Klum's crotch will no longer be in the shadow of her enormous belly, because she finally birthed one of those baby things early this morning. Heidi's crotch can finally get some sun. Yipeee.
Radar says that Heidi and Seal's second baby friend (her third) has a vagina and they named her Lou Samuel.
You know, I didn't smack my lips or rotate my eyes when reading that name, so it's fine by me. I actually like old man names for little girls. Think about it. A girl in a pink dress and pig tails with the name Horrice, Angus or Clarence is pretty damn adorable.....if you're stoned.
However, I'm not sure if it works with boys too. We should put it to the test. The first one of you who pops out a boy, better name him Bertha or Myrtle. Tell me how that goes.
Heidi Klum must have queefed into one of Karl Lagerfeld's cup of virgin's blood, because she is #2 on his hit list right after food. It wasn't too long ago that Karl slithered out of his coffin to say that Heidi could never walk in a high-fashion show, because she is so fat that she would break the catwalk in two. Basically.
Well, Karl has whipped Heidi with his glistening white mane of electrocuted Brillo pads once again. This time Karl has decided to go after Heidi's husband Seal. Specifically, Seal's face scars which were caused by a condition called discoid lupus erythematosus.
Kunty Karl said, "I am no dermatologist but I wouldn't want his skin. Mine looks better than his. He is covered in craters."
Karl's skin looks like the remnants of a hot dog that exploded in the microwave, so he would be wrong.
And you know how we all joke about that parade down to the ninth circle of Hell we're all going to march in? Well, Kunty Karl is going to be the Grand Marshal!
Every year, Heidi Klum and Seal renew their vows, because they are full of love....and themselves....and money. So why not, I guess? Usually, they go down to Mexico, but because the pigs are coughing on everyone and giving them the shits, they opted not to. Instead they threw themselves a "white trash" themed party at a friend's beach house in Malibu. You know, because she's knocked up, so they thought it would be heeeee-larious. That is RACIST towards Brit Brit!!! And seriously, if they were going to do this shit, they should've done it right and hired Our Lady of Cheetos as their wedding coordinator.
I mean, Heidi Klum braided her hair, Seal wore a mullet wig, an Elvis impersonator presided over the ceremony and they decorated the joint with pink flamingos. What the fuck kind of white trash wedding is this?! Where's the screaming naked baby on the arm of the bride? Where's the possum on a barbie? Where's the PURPLE DRANK? Where's the mattress surfing? Where's the bouquet made out of Natty Ice cans? This is just a bunch of rich hos trying to do it Spears-style and failing!
Here's more pictures from this bunk ass affair including some of Debra Messing who I think got confused and thought it was a BLOODS themed wedding.
I guess Seal's peen kissed Heidi Klum's rose (sorry), because she's got one of those baby things in her womb again! That's what sources close to the couple say anyway. According to E!, Heidi's baby has been cooking for around 4 months.
This baby friend will be her fourth child and her third with Seal. They already have two sons with reaaaaaaallly long names, 3-year-old Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel and 2-year-old Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel. Damn, my eyeballs are heaving and shit from reading those two hundred mile long names. Heidi's 4-year-old daughter with Italian money bags Flavio Briatore has a much shorter name, Helene Klum. Do you think Leni feels inadequate with such a short name?
The seventh season of Project Runway will start shooting this summer, so Heidi will be really fat in all of the episodes. Oh, I can't wait for the maternity challenge, because you know it's coming. I hope they make the contestants use diapers as fabric and OctoMommy can be a judge.
Anyway, congrats to these fuck fiends! Heidi should remember to save her baby's placenta for a little placentaschnitzel.
Here's Heidi with her kids in NYC yesterday.