Why does Heidi Klum look like she's posing for quarters in some Equus boots on a street bench in front of a crowd of damn strangers?! I thought that the recession had claimed another victim, but she's actually just doing something model shit for German Vogue in Beverly Hills.
You know Posh is somewhere in the world strapped to an IV bag filled with the period blood of virgins and laughing at Heidi! Cackling! Heidi can't even get up in those things! If she Posh actually did any kind of exercise, she'd wear those "kill me now" platforms while running a marathon.
And I am jealous about that steel rainbow popping out of Heidi's ass.
The new season of Germany's Next Top Model hosted by Heidi Klum just premiered, so I guess the papers started asking deezigners if they think Heidi could make it as a runway model today. This prompted one designer to say that she's so chunky that she would break the catwalk in two. Basically.
Deeeeezigner Wolfgang Joop told Bild,“She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde – that is commercial!”
True. She doesn't look like she poops out butt nuggets the size of a rabbit's. She also doesn't look like she'd end up in the next country if you sneezed near her. And she doesn't look like she's in dire need of a massage from a defibrillator. So in that respect. No, she doesn't look like a runway model.
Karl Lagerfeld also chirped in. He crawled out from his tomb, quietly ate his salad made from virgin souls and said in between bites, “I don’t know Heidi Klum. She was never known in France. Claudia Schiffer also doesn’t know who she is.”
What the fuck is Karl even saying? Bitch never takes his sunglasses off, so how does he know what she even looks like?! He probably confuses his toothbrush for Kate Moss all the time. The bitch needs to take off his glasses and get a good look. He knows who that bitch Heidi is!
Also, am I the only one bothered by the fact that Heidi's panties and bra don't match in the picture above. It bothers me so much that I want to Photoshop them to match.
Every year Heidi Klum throws a huge Halloween party and this bitch usually gets dressed up in some extravagant shit that makes all of us look like we should just go home and let the professional do her job. Yes, Heidi is the grand dame of Halloween!
Heidi did not disappoint with her costume last night. She went as Hindu goddess Kali. You know she was in make-up for fucking days. As hot as she looks, this costume is not for everyone.
Imagine getting wasted in this mess? I would probably accidentally stab myself in the asshole with that sword or get really intimate with one of those severed heads thinking it's some hot dude. And those cut-off arms hanging down below could come in handy if your private area is feeling tingly and you need a little help. Okay...I'm starting to see the positives in wearing this craziness.
Heidi's dude, Seal, dressed as some warrior finger banger. I'm sure he dressed as someone specific, but I'm dumb in the brains and it's too early for me to spend my time going on a google search. Scream at me if you know the answer.
Other guests at Heidi's soiree included Christian Siriano as Cruelle de Ville, Pink as some curious lesbian clown doll and Marc Bower as a gay angel of death.
JLo was supposed to be the final guest judge on "Project Runway," but she hurt her foot and couldn't make the runway show today. Hey, don't laugh! It must be hard on her poor feetsies having to carry around that four-ton ego every single day. One of her feet finally cried "mercy" and gave in.
She really doesn't need the use of her stupid feet to sit there and judge a fashion contest. Skeletor could've put her ass on a dolly and wheeled her in. It's not like the bitch walks around anyway. Even if her hoof wasn't jacked up, she would've been carried in. I guess this means JLo's not going to compete in a triathlon this weekend. How fucking convenient. She's going to make the Dragon Tales Twins compete in her place.
Tim Gunn replaced JLo as the finale judge. He's better than her ass anyway. Nobody cares about fashion more than Tim Gun! I mean, when he's looking at a dress, he always puts his hand on his chin. That shows that he cares and is really thinking this shit through!
Project Rungay has pictures from the entire show. All six remaining designers showed collections, so there isn't any major spoilers on who the finalists are. I'm totally rooting for that grouchy ass Korto! Have you ever seen her crack a smile? She's my kind!
The time has come for Posh Beckham to bid farewell to that guinea pig mop sitting on her alien head. It came, it saw, it conquered. She needs to change it up and do something unexpected. I'm thinking afro puffs or possibly a spiral permed femullet. Now that shit would be hot. I'd even settle for a flat top.
Anyway, good ole' Posh threw a birthday party for her son Romeo at the Hard Rock Cafe in Universal City yesterday. It's obvious what her boys are dressed as, but what's Posh's costume? White Oprah's orange clit?
Ginger Spice, Heidi Klum and Gavin Rossdale also showed up to Romeo's party. Don't even say Posh and Heidi didn't dress right for a kid's birthday party. You would wear the same shit if all you had to do was sit there and boss the nannies around.
Who knew that saying "Yer eder in or yer aut" each week would get Heidi Klum an Emmy nom? Heidi was nominated along with Ryan Gaycrest, Jeff Probst, Tom Bergeron and Howie Mandel for Outstanding Reality Show Host. This shit is a new category.
I hope Heidi wins this shit! However, you know TyTy Baby is shredding her weave this morning. Heidi shouldn't expect to receive a "TyTy's Favorite Things" basket at Christmas this year.
Top Model wasn't nominated for shit! How can they do this to TyTy? Couldn't they come up with a category just for her? Best Weave in a Reality Show? Biggest Ego in the History of the World? Anything!
Oh well. "Project Runway" was also nominated along with "Dancing with the Has-Beens," "American Idol," "Top Chef" and "The Amazing Race." AGAIN! The Amazing Race needs to pull an Oprah and take themselves out of the running. Give someone else a chance aka TyTy Baby.
"30 Rock" got the most Emmy noms with 17. Go Tina! "Mad Men" got 16.
Other hot bitches that got nominated were Glenn Close (Damages), Michael Emerson (Lost), Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother), Ashley Jensen (Extras), Vanessa Williams (Ugly Betty) and Cynthia Nixon (Law & Order).
Click here to see the full list
Add Heidi Klum to the list of names of people that want to help Brit Brit. Heidi lives near Brit in Beverly Hills and said she can come live with her family. Heidi said, "She can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months. I would help set her straight. I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track. She has, of course, lived an extremely wild life." Heidi doesn't know what she's saying. Brit would try to sleep with her husband!
And didn't Heidi poke fun at Brit Brit on Ellen? She said something about Britney teaching her how to change diapers. Oh Heidi, you don't mean it. Besides Heidi is not the one. If any model could set Brit straight, it's Tyra Banks! Tyra would make that girl over and give her some tough love.
It's been awhile since we've seen these two! Ok it's only been a month, but still! That's too long!
Heidi and Seal took my favorite celebrity brats Henry and Johan out for a walk yesterday. Usually Henry is the grouch but Johan be the badass for once. Leni's too good for this and decided to sit this photo op out.
TMZ has a little promo Heidi Klum shot for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show that airs on December 5th. In the promo Heidi plays with her breastes like I play with mine. Wait, did I just say that?
I bet you Heidi also plays with Seal's pee pee! You know, she probably uses his urethra like a little mouth and does the voice for his penis. I used to do that when I was little. Ok, I still do it. It's fun! God, don't judge.
Click here if you're having trouble with the video above