Jessica Biel

At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!

I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!

And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.

Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.

So how does Justin Timberlake's favorite strap-on operator keep her sessy body looking like that of a pit bull on too many internet-bought lady hormones? She throws food away! Jessica Biel said that she keeps herself on a version of Mimi's infamous (and delusional) "morsel" diet. Jessica can eat whatever she wants, but just small portions of it.

Jessica told Manhattan Movie Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), “You have to find a balance, especially with what you eat. I don’t live by the idea that you can’t allow yourself a treat. I say, ‘Eat things you like, but eat them in smaller portions’. I always cut things in half and send them back. I’m not perfect, I don’t always do those things, but that’s the goal.”

Jessica, feed the children, not the garbage cans! FOOD WASTER! Seriously, Joan Crawford needs to rise from the dead to school this ho.

And obviously, Jessica uses that same "smaller portions" philosophy when it comes to choosing peens.

Now I know what Justin Timberlake sees in Jessica Biel. Bitch is hung like a killer whale with low hangers that rival Cisco Adler's (just go to the darkest part of your brain to remember that picture)! At least I think that's what is going on in her private area. Either that or Jessica suffers from Elephantiasis of the crotch.

When did Jessica Biel become such an asshole? Does this have something to do with the fact that she's sucking on Justin Timberlake's soggy tampon? I mean, Jessica already said that she's too beautiful to get auditions (aka her massive low hangers get in the way). Now Jessica is saying that she spends a long time getting ready every day, because she knows the paparazzi follow her and she doesn't want to see fugly pictures of herself in magazines.

The DVD actress farted to Allure Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), "It's wonderful to do what I do, but everything that goes with it? It's bizarre. The invasion of privacy is very tough. I am followed all day, every day. Going to the dentist, the cleaners. I guess I could look like shit going to the dentist, but only if I didn't care what I saw in the papers."

This hag should be thankful that she's in ANY magazine besides back issues of the Pitt Bull Reporter. And I'll leave the rest of my comments to myself and just let the picture above do all the talking.

Or is it 2 dudes, 1 dog? Or 3 dogs? Any of those work.

Justin Timberlake looks so happy he could queef. He always has bitch face. Jessica Biel should use a bigger strap-on his ass so he would loosen up some more.

And who the hell did that to Jessica's hair?! It reminds me of when my mommy gave my sister a haircut when we were little. My mommy took the kitchen scissors in one hand and my sister's bangs in the other hand and chopped them in one swoop. It left my sister with asymmetrical bangs that were too short! That poor bitch looked like an Emo gayelle.

Maybe my mommy is moonlighting as Jessica Biel's bang-cutter. Bang-cutter. That sounds really gross and inappropriate.

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are still two dykes in love. The two attended some wedding in Los Angeles last night and came out hand-in-hand. You know she-hulk's grip is killing Justin inside. She doesn't know her own strength. He wants to cry so badly, but he's keeping it together for the cameras. Justin is used to it. Biel probably works that strap-on like a champ. Even cokie on Justin's hole can't ease the pain. The bitch is a trooper.

Tobey Maguire, Jason Bateman, Scott Speedman and Eva Mendes also attended last night. This shit looked like a funeral! They were all wearing black. It makes sense. You're mourning the bride and groom's slut days. Sad.