Boring Couples

Meanwhile in New Jersey......

27 -year-old Ivanka Trump married fellow rich bitch Jared Kushner (owner of The New York Observer) yesterday at her daddy's golf club.

Unfortunately, Ivanka didn't wear a dress made from her daddy's bankruptcy documents and cartilage from her original nose. Instead she wore a Vera Wang gown inspired by Grace Kelly. People reports that among the 500-guests was Regis Philbin who sang for the new couple. I'm sure Regis was supposed to duet with Kathie Lee but she otherwise engaged (aka laying head first in the wine fountain).

Ivanka is also a new jew, because she converted in order to marry Jared who is Orthodox Jewish. Ivanka fast-tracked her conversion since it only took a few months instead of a year or two. And I guess this means that Donald Trump was forced to cover his "Where The Wild Things Are" mop with a yarmulke. That poor yarmulke won't ever be heard from again since I'm sure Donald Trump's comb-over of tragicness ate it whole.

Life & Style says that 30-year-old Claire Danes (Yeah, I know she looks like a 50-something politician's wife here) married 34-year-old Hugh Dancy earlier this month in France. Yes, they managed to keep this shit on the down low. Even Rickie kept his mouth shut. Or maybe nobody cared. Yeah, that was probably it.

Claire and Hugh announced their engagement earlier this year. The two met on a movie set two years ago while Claire was bumping wetties with Billy Crudup. And in case you forgot, Billy left a knocked-up Mary-Louise Parker for Claire. So you know what has to happen now? Mary-Louise Parker has to fuck on Hugh Dancy so that circle can be completed! It's the circle of homewrecky fuckery!

Alyssa Milano has decided to give the whole marriage thing another go for the second time. Alyssa married agent David Bugliari at his family's house in New Jersey today. People says that Alyssa wore Vera Wang, she walked down the aisle to John Lennon's "Imagine" and her reception was decorated with rattan furniture and hay bales. Okay, Alyssa took a left turn and lost me at the rattan and hay bales part. Was this a Spears themed weddings?

Unfortunately, I don't think Mona was there to tell her she was making a huge mistake by tying her vagina down to one man.

I'm guessing Alyssa's new ball and chain cums Mother's Cookies and has a dick the size of an obese boa constrictor, because well...you know....

AND I hope Alyssa dazzled her wedding guests at the reception by performing this amazing song:

Now I know why they invented auto-tune.

The poster couple for Ambien, Tittay Lachey and Vanessa Manilafolders, have quit the love! UsWeekly reports that Nick and Va...zzz...zzzz...zzzz..zzzzz See, even the thought of these two bring the sleepies faster than the soothing sounds of the rainforest. Just reading their names makes you want to fluff up a pillow, put your hand on your crotch and fall asleep! Anyway, surrender to the zzzzs or pop a No-Doz and read on.

Nick and Vanessa started dating right after he split up with Jessica Simpson in 2006. A source said, "It was an amicable break-up. They walk away from it still friends. They still care about each other very much. This is what's best for both of them."

You know, why can't whores stop with the "we're still friends" noise? Most of us walk away hating our exes in the heart, but still loving them in the genitals. So a more accurate statement would be: "It was an amicable break-up. They are still fucking. This is what's best for both of them." The end.

Are you still awake?

Radar is saying that Gis Bundchen and Tom Brady made a baby friend of their very own. Friends are blabbing that after being married for xx months (I'm too lazy to check the exact number and you don't care anyway), Gis and Tom are expecting their first baby together. Gis is totally going to give birth to a hairy giant chin. The second coming of Tater Head!

Tom already has a baby with Bridget Moynahan. The same baby that Gis says she considers as her own. Cue Bridget screaming, "Filly bitch finally has her own baby to play with!"

Tobey Maguire and his wife thing, Jennifer Meyer, had one of those baby creatures yesterday in Los Angeles. Methinks they both fell asleep during labor, because even they aren't susceptible to their own boredom. But thankfully, they woke up again and managed to push out their second BABY!!!!! Their spokeswhore told People that they had a baby boy. But of course, we don't know the name yet.

Tobes and Jenny already have a 2-year-old daughter they call Ruby. Does this mean they are going to name their son Diamante? Or maybe Rhinestone? Or Dazzles? Yeah, I fucking wish. They are going to bring the bores with a name like Jacob, which is the number one baby name of 2008. AGAIN.

Jacob has held the top spot for boy names for ten years. Jacob is always keeping Michael down. The name Michael hasn't been on top since '98. Which is funny because that's the last time this Michael was on top too if I ain't being too subtle. Yes, I always have to go THERE!

Click here to see the top BABY NAMES!!! of '08.

Droopy-faced Maggie Gyllenhaal married beardy-faced Peter Sarsgaard in Italy over the weekend which means that if she took his last name she is now Maggie Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaard. That also means Maggie has taken all the As. There's no more As to give. If you wanted to name your kid Areola or Asshat, don't be surprised when you're told that it's not available because Maggie took all the As.

Anyway, the lumpy bed bug-ridden mattresses made it legal in Brindisi, Italy on Saturday in a small ceremony. They have been together since 2002 and have a 2-year-old daughter.

Of course, Jakey Poo was there. He loves to squeal at wedding! I'm sure he made the purdiest little flower girl ever. Throwing flowers is really his true calling. Reese also tagged along, because someone had to be there to zip up Jakey's leotard and fluff his tutu before he skipped down the aisle.

Source: People

Trista and Ryan, the mannequins made in the ABC Bachelorette Factory, had a baby child in Colorado yesterday. Their second baby child is female and they named her Blakesley Grace Sutter. No, I didn't drunk type that shit. They really named her Blakesley. I can't pronounce that shit without spraying my screen with jizz discharge. I'm guessing one of those dumb whores wanted Blake and the other skank really wanted Chelsy, so they married the two together. Those two pieces of boiled turnip probably thought it was so fucking ingenious.

Blakesley sounds like the name of a department store in the Midwest that is known for their extensive collection of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans as well as for their side-eye giving salespeople. It's Trista and Ryan's way of trying to be oh-so-different. Trista, stick to wearing red underwear on Sundays as a way to spice up your boring life and leave your child out of it!

Trista also felt like she should tell Life & Style that Blakesley will be her last child, because she's getting the Essure permanent birth control procedure. Damn! How many coins did Essure drop in Trista's purse to plug their asses? OctoMommy would be proud.

While she's at it, Trista should also get the STFU permanent procedure on her mouth.

Justin Long and Drew Barrymore might be two boring unsalted peas in a pod again. Life & Style says The Mac Dude and Lispy went out on two dates in Los Angeles this past week after breaking up almost 8 months ago.

One nosy ass whore spotted the two acting all cuddly-like at Bar Marmont this past Thursday, “They couldn’t get enough of each other. I don’t think they even noticed that there were other people in the room! In between kisses it was all smiles and laughs.”

And the next night, the microwaved pieces of jicama were rubbing each other over dead fish at Ike in Hollywood, "They sat at the sushi bar and ordered Sake and dinner. They were both in a great mood. They were smiling ear to ear the whole time, and laughing and looking they were so happy they were going to burst.”

The last time I checked in with Lispy, she was riding the Jason Segel pony. And Justin Long was bumping it with Ginnifer Goodwin. I think. Or maybe Drew was chomping on Ginnifer and Jason Segel was getting a little bit of The Long? And I'm sure Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson fit in there somewhere. They always do.

These boring whores of Hollywood always leave me so confuseded. It's like one big steamed vegetable key party. In related news, I don't remember the last time I ate a vegetable that wasn't fried or covered in melted cheese or mayonnaise. There's no reason to be concerned, right?

Just like that, JLove has a new coochie warmer! Jamie Kennedy told Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM radio show this morning that JLove is clapping those ass cheeks for him and he gets all slobbery wet for it. This comes just a few short months after JLove quit the love she had with Ross McCall. How soon the snatch turns.

This just isn't any ordinary love. This is thee love. A Twilight kind of love. Seriously, this is the kind of cheesy vomit that came spewing out of Jamie's mouth this morning, "I thought it was something I would find in my 40s. It's like, 'Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you’re, like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli too.' We have an intense connection. She's my Bella. I don't want to bite her neck, but I want her to live. I'm in love, and I don't care!"

That's not love, bitch is straight-up assmatized. Jamie needs to focus less on that love shit and try to find the cure to the disease that's slowly turning him into fucking Brendan Fraser!

Furthermore, JLove is a lost cause. You can do nothing but roll your eyes and hit the "next" button. Bitch ain't complete unless she has someone to text shit like, "i luvz u so much hugz," to every night. You know the type. The kind of bitch you only see or talk to when she's not in barf-inducing looooove. Then when they get their hearts butchered, they call you to say how much they miss you. I always pick up the phone, because those hos make it up to you by picking up the bar tab after your "reunion." It's like an open bar every few months!

VIA USWeekly