Boring Couples

Jessica Biel (Tip: Read that boring ho's name in Sookeh from True Blood's voice to make it more exciting. Jessica Beeeeeehl!) and Justin Timberlake have been getting on and off of each over for the past 4 years and I figured it was only a matter of time before their relationship completely buried itself right next to the open grave reserved for their movie careers. But apparently Jessica and Justin have tortured each other for so long that they have decided they should torture each other all the way by getting married. Lainey Gossip points to this Tweet from a gallery owner in Jackson, Wyoming:

Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night...we're picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool...

Jessica Biel seems like a vacuum hole that can suck the personality out of any room she enters and there are major parts of Justin Timberlake's personality that need to be sucked into a black hole to nothingness, so I hope they make each other miserable for centuries to come.

And I will be disappointed in Justin if he didn't propose to Jessica by making her open his dick in a box. You know a finger ring can easily fit around his peen without the help of Crisco. I will also be disappointed if Justin and Brit Brit don't have a double wedding with a cowboy pimp denim theme.

Here I was thinking that Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively would last about as long as a quick fuck on a Toronto subway platform, but she was seen taking his dog Baxter for a walk in NYC the other day by herself. You know shit is seven layers of serious when you let a trick take care of your dog unsupervised. Or maybe Blake's publicist dognapped Baxter for this photo-op. That's a possibility, because Baxter is making a look that's a cross between "Who dis bitch?" and "Is he really making me shit in front of another one of his bland tricks?" That last part reminds me of some shit...

One of my friends had the same dog through three of her sort-of serious relationships and when she moved in with the third dude, her mom seriously said to her, "Don't you think you're going to confuse the dog by shacking up with all these men?" That was a polite way of saying, you a ho. I mean, I'm sure that dog would stare at her while thinking to himself "You disgust me, you slut!" instead of thinking "Give me that bacon." Most dogs don't give a cat shit if you're a huge skank whore or if you're a spinster prude with a vagina that hums out the melody to "Mr. Lonely" in the middle of the night. They will like your ass as long as you feed them, give them attention, don't blame your farts on them and don't make them go out in public wearing the groom suit you make them wear during fake wedding playtime. That being said, my friend's dog totally judged her for being a big skank whore slut.

And I really hope Baxter dropped a wet shit in at least one of Blake's shoes. That's what she gets for using his ass for publicity.

The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this:

"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was."

The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick.

So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins)

What you're looking at is Jakey Gyllenhaal and Rashida Jones going to lunch together in L.A. over the weekend while his dog Atticus doesn't even try to be slick about the "You're not going to take him apple picking like that the last bitch, are you?" side-eye at her. Just because Jake and Rashida ate food together doesn't mean they later took it to a lawyer's conference room where she rolled around in beard wig glue while their publicists romantically planned their first staged UsWeekly cover together and worked out their photo-op schedule. Can't a bald butch bitch and Quincy's daughter just be friends?

Besides, a day after these pictures were taken, Jake was seen giving that bland Anna Kendrick ho the Christian side hug. Yes, their side hug is about as awkward as the side hug you give to the one night fuck partner who got soft mid-thrust when you run into him on the street (or about as awkward as the side hug a gay gives the chick he lost his vagina virginity to when they run into each other at their high school reunion), but I guess this still means that Rashida isn't getting that second interview. Back to Monster.com's beard section you go, Rashida!

Bikini models hoping to spend the rest of summer sunning their nipples on a yacht in the South of Wherever should stop waiting to a call for a go see at Leonardo DiCatchaho's office, because the dude is not back to catching hos. Now Magazine said earlier this week that Leo pushed Blake Lively off of his dick because his mom thought she was too far up her own oatmeal ass. (I'm trying to picture that image too and I'm coming up with this.) Either Now was freebasing Wite-Out and made this mess up or Leo's mother realized that she can't be mean to a ho who has the face constipated pony with heatstroke.

Because UsWeekly says that Blake and Leo were buying sunglasses together at some store in Santa Barbara, CA on Wednesday. Some source they were holding on to each other the whole time and then went on to BLAH BLAH this out, "They seemed very much in love. They were in the store for about 10 minutes before a crowd of fans noticed them and they rushed out."

Sooooo Blaaaaaaaaaake and Leeeeeeeooooooo are stiiiiiiiiil fuuuuuucking. Yes, I'm trying to make you care about this by using as many vowels as possible so it reads like I'm screaming it out full-mouth. Didn't work, I know. So for your troubles, here's a video of a baby sloth giving his response to this post:

A for real downgrade is when you go from bending your ass for Michael Fassbender to spitting out the pubes of Penn Badgley through your coochie. Zoe Kravitz has apparently done just that. Zoe was humping on her X-Men co-star Michael Fassbender, but now it looks like bitch plummeted down the hot piece ladder and landed on some Gossip Girl dick. Page Six reports that Zoe is officially fucking down and has moved on from Fassbender with Penn.

Zoe and Penn were first seen together at the after-party for Friends with Benefits on Monday night, and some other source says that yesterday they touched skin while going to see Horrible Bosses. The source, who obviously has night vision eyeballs, says Zoe and Penn left right after Jennifer Aniston's character made a joke about how she fapped off a nail tip to him on Gossip Girl. The source said this riveting stuff, "He had his arm around her while they waited in line. But an awkward moment happened when Jennifer Aniston quips, 'Did you see 'Gossip Girl' last night? I fucked myself so hard [watching] that Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.' The look on Penn's face was priceless. They left the theater right after."

Zoe and Penn actually make more sense than Zoe and Michael Fassbender. Zoe and Fassbender looked off to me. Like they were always on an awkward first date after meeting on Craigslist and neither of them wanted to tell the other that they didn't look like their picture at all. But Zoe and Penn both look like they just fell out of an Urban Outfitters catalog and they both look like Dark Crystal characters who didn't make the cut. I bet their mixed together fuck juices smell like patchouli and American Spirit butts. Match made.

Page Six says that while Ryan Reynolds bumped nipples with Charlize Theron and Sean Penn did bumps off of a nipple, ScarJo bumped brains with Ashley Olsen's ex Justin Bartha at a party for the off-Broadway play All New People on Saturday night. Do brains have nipples? Because if so, that's the part of their brains that bumped together.

A witness type says that ScarJo and Justin, who's in those Hangover movies, were "engrossed" in each other and spent the entire night canoodling with each other's words. The witness went on, "There were about 15 people at the table, but Scarlett and Justin sat next to each other and talked all night. They seemed pretty fascinated with each other and only talked to each other. It looked sometimes flirty, but also they seemed to be involved in a deep discussion."

Since we all know that you only get "engrossed" in a trick if you want to get gross with them later on, ScarJo and Justin totally did it. Two celebrities cannot share a conversation without sharing each other's genital juices later. It's just not possible. But ScarJo is doing what she needs to do. You know when you eat something that leaves a layer of ICK NAST on the roof of your mouth and you have to gargle with everything and anything to get the taste out? That's what ScarJo is doing. After riding on Sean Penn for way too long, she's just cleansing her poon palate. I think the exact medical phrase is called, "Listerine-ing your cooch."

In news that will make you miss the exciting days of hearing about the Pollyanna of fag hags Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal giggling over pumpkin lattes together, People reports that Blake NotSoLively and Leonardo DiCatchaHo ordered two cups of coffee last Thursday at some shop in Carmel, CA. In related news, you just injected the contents of two espresso capsules directly into your brain so that your nose won't hit the 6 key while reading this incredibly exciting story (SPOILER ALERT: it will).

The love affair that bloomed out of a publicist's BlackBerry started in Cannes has since made stops in Italy, NYC, Disneyland and now Carmel. A witness type says that before taking a walk together, Blake and Leo came into the Carmel Coffeehouse and did this: "Blake ordered two cappuccinos. One with whipped cream, and one without. But when she learned that the whipped cream was homemade, she added it to the second drink. She was very sweet."

And I bet that basic bitch Blake never winked at Leo and said that she'll churn out a dollop of his homemade whipped cock cream later (Note: Can you actually whip cock cream with a whisk?). What a missed opportunity! I swear, Blake is so bland that she makes a Quaker's yeast infection seem full of flavor. I also swear that if I ever called People to tell them that Blake ordered two cappuccinos with homemade whipped cream, I'd probably just quit life. Err. But then again, here I am using up my bandwidth to tell you that the new Taylor and Jake ordered two cappuccinos with homemade whipped cream. In my defense, the fact that this weekend I ate Cheerios with tap water and powdered cream because I was too lazy to go downstairs to buy milk means that I have already quit life.

(Image via Bauer Griffin)

Somewhere in California, Papa Joe Simpson is furiously gluing the beads on Jessica Simpson's bridal pasties while yelling at the team from Spanx to make her wedding dress faster, because he needs to marry off his daughter in the next few days so that she gets the cover of all the magazines and Tony Romo doesn't! As Jessica bawled into a bowl of cake soup, her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo married Chace Crawford's sister Candice in front of 600 people in Dallas, TX yesterday. Yes, a professional football player married a pageant queen turned news anchor in Texas. The theme of the wedding was obviously: STEREOTYPES! I hope Candice loves a mug full of chardonnay in the morning, because ho is a Kathie Lee Gifford in-the-making.

People reports that after Tony took at least 20 minutes to lift the veil over his bride's head (it took about 19 minutes to clear her forehead) for their wedding kiss, their guests ate short ribs and pizza in the reception tent. The guests also got a gift bag that included: a Neiman Marcus gift card, assorted treats from Great One Cookies, a Mix of the Month CD by DJ Lucy Wrubel, a miniature bottle of Moet champagne, a box of Dude Sweet Chocolates, gourmet popcorn, chips and salsa, "Killer Pecans" from Bandera Foods, Voss bottled water, and an assortment of Kiehl's beauty and body products.

That gift bag is pretty fitting, because I'm sure that last night Jessica's gold digging fiance Eric Johnson used her Neiman Marcus credit card to buy canary diamond cuff links while she sat in the changing room, dipping tear-stained cookies into champagne and salsa.

I can't wait to see the pictures of Chace Crawford throwing precious flutters with his eyes down the aisle. Who needs a flower girl when you've got Chace Crawford?

In a shocking twist of events, Leonardo DiCaprio was seen strolling in Cannes with a woman who doesn't consider a bikini as her job uniform and isn't a pro at keeping her face sexy for the camera while a wad of sand exfoliates her ass lips in a bad way. Page Six says that avid supermodel collector Leonardo DiCatchaho and Blake Lively spent an intimate moment in Cannes together on Friday night.

A source type says that Leo and Marble Mouth looked like they had sparkly hearts in their eyes while they walked all around the Hotel Du Cap Eden Roc. The source went on, "She was wearing white and he was in a baseball cap. They walked around the grounds together. It looked like they were a couple."

As a Barbizon graduate, I feel very close to the modeling community and consider them my extended family. So that is why I just have to say: Fuck Marble Mouth! Fuck DiCatchaho! And fuck famous actresses! First they take fashion magazine covers from models, then they take ad campaigns from models and now they're taking a supermodel's most loyal subject? Betrayal is Leo humping on an actress. If Leo starts dating actresses, then we can confirm that loyalty really is dead.