Boring Couples

But didn't they have a cat together? THINK OF THE PUSSY!

UsWeekly says that things might be a little awkward on the Vampire Diaries set, because Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have stopped wet humping each other behind the cameras. Nina and Dobrev started dating three years ago after meeting on the VD set and now they're done. Some source says that they are "consummate professionals" (Note: If you just woke up and haven't caffeined up your brain yet, you might've read that as "constipated professionals" like I did.) and "will continue to work together and remain best friends, which is where the relationship started."

"We'll remain best friends" really is the "over the moon" of break-up statements.

So there you go. One of those vampire couples set their love on fire. At least we still have Kristen Stewart and RPattz (SICK!) and Sookeh and Beeehl (BARF!).

And earlier this morning, Ian Somerhalder tweeted this:>

Who knew that when Ian Somerhalder's heart breaks a little he turns into an Emo 7th grader who cuts with a butter knife and listens to Fall Out Boy ballads on a loop? But what I want to know is, did he smirk and throw smug eyes at the monitor while typing that tweet?

For the second time in a year, Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper's publicists and lawyers have thrown up their hands and walked out of a conference room with their heads hanging in shame, because they just couldn't come to an agreement and contract negotiations officially broke down. Zoe and B. Coop have broken up forever and they'll probably never sign their names on the same relationship contract AGAIN. First, the Katie Holmes/Jake Gyllenhaal rumors turn out to be a falsity and now this? Beards are having the worst week ever.

Zoe and B. Coop first got together after filming The Words and then they broke up for the first time in March before getting back together in September. And now Page Six says it's completely over. Zoe was supposed to spend Christmastimes in Europe with B. Coop and his family, but she went to Miami instead. A source said this:

“Zoe had planned to spend the holidays with Bradley and his family in Europe. They all were going to Paris, but things didn’t work out between them. Zoe spent New Year’s Eve with friends in Miami.”

So Zoe skipped out on the chance to hear Bradley Cooper order a buttered croissant with an extra foamy latte in panty creaming talk (aka French)? It really IS over. It's not Zoe and Bradley's fault that they didn't get to spend Christmas together. It's CBS Film's fault for releasing The Words on DVD right before Christmas, and because they did that there was no reason for B. Coop and Zoe's relationship to go on any longer. DAMN YOU CBS Films for screwing with holiday love!

P.S. THE WORDS available at your local Redbox NOW!

Blake Lively is the daughter Martha Stewart never had (Note: That one who told us that she pisses with the door open doesn't count.) and so, of course, the details of her wedding with Ryan Reynolds in Charleston, SC are in the Winter issue of Martha Stewart Weddins'. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are extremely private non-famewhores and they'd never sell pictures of their intimate moments together, so the only picture of them in the magazine is the Instragrammy one of them holding hands. Shit looks like a newspaper ad for Kay Jewelers.

Blake and Ryan didn't want any pictures of their asses published (because she's saving those for when she needs to pass them out on the ho stroll to extend her relevancy), so the magazine just has pictures of their flowers, decorations and delicious food stuff. Martha and her team of glue gun-holding, frosting bag-wielding slaves created a wedding that looked like a snowballing session between Etsy and Pinterest.

What I'm getting from this is that up-close pictures of S'mores bars and lemon tarts are way more interesting than pictures of Ryan and Blake's married faces. Seems about right!

The "open" sign is back on the front door of Camilla Belle's Bearding Services, because she has stopped dating the virgin quarterback who regularly Facetimes with Jesus on his iPhone. Who knew that a devout Christian with his cherry firmly intact couldn't make it work with a ho who Taylor Swift says is a master at mattress acrobats (read: the squinty bitch called her a slut).

Tim Tebow and Camilla Belle started dating a couple of months ago and they were seen holding hands and doing kissing stuff at a bowling alley in Florida. They must've had one of those short-term contracts, because a source tells UsWeekly that it's over. I guess Camilla just didn't have a servant's heart, which is what Tim Tebow wants in a wife. He said this to Vogue a while ago:

"I've been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters — so they set a very high standard. Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there's also so much more than that for me. It's about finding someone sweet and kind — and that has a servant's heart."

I'm actually surprised over this highly important news. Tim Tebow isn't going to let his peen kiss on a vagina until he's married and Camilla Belle was with a Jonas brother during his purity cock ring days, so she knows how it goes. Bitch probably quit Tim Tebow, because she got sick of doing butt sex all the time (side note: anybody who gets sick of butt sex is no friend of mine). Virgins LOVE butt sex.

Licking a mirror while sticking his peen in a Fleshlight modeled after his own asshole sometimes gets boring for James Franco, so he finds himself a human who will lick his face in between telling him that he's the most important thing to happen to the art world since Thomas Kinkade. Page Six says that 34-year-old James Franco is using his paintbrush peen to paint the portrait of love all over the cooch belonging to 22-year-old Ashley Benson, who's in Pretty Little Liars and who acted with him in that Spring Breakers mess.

Page Six says that James created the performance art piece "Artist and Muse, No. 23" by holding hands with Ashley in NYC's Washington Square Park earlier this month. Then in L.A. last week, James created the piece "BOO: A Love Story" by going on a haunted hayride with Ashley. Some source says, "They have been seeing each other for a little over a month, but things are going well.”

In between acting, writing, making music, taking every film course at every university and fapping out enough Franco cream to make a life-size cum sculpture of himself, I don't know how James finds the time to get on Ashley Benson. But lucky for her, he has found the time, because every girl longs to hear her piece say, "I'm going to make your pussy graduate with a PhD by sticking my diploma rod in it," while he's humping her.

Marcus Mumford from that British folk band Mumford & Sons married human Pixie stick Carey Mulligan in the English countryside today in front of a bunch of guests including former homewrecker hero Sienna Miller, Jakey Gyllenhaal and Colin Firth. That dizziness filling your head is your blood sugar levels rising from the word twee fucking you hard after reading that last sentence. I mean, Carey Mulligan and the dude from Mumford & Sons (or as Jezebel so perfectly puts it, "the Sith Michelle Williams and Jason Segel") barfing out their love for each other in a country wedding?

I bet their dancefloor is a field of wild flowers and they're dancing barefoot like a bunch of rich hippies as a dude wearing a tweed three-piece suit plays the harmonica while sitting in a tree. I can practically hear the laughs from blonde little girls in white cotton fairy princess dresses chasing fireflies around. I'm sure all their wedding pictures were taken with an accordion camera and Carey and Marcus will leave the wedding reception on a wooden wagon pulled by a pony with a flower wreath on its head. A British Knott's Berry Farm mess.

UsWeekly says that Marcus and Carey have been together a little over a year, but they knew each other as children. Marcus and Carey became pen pals through their churches. I know, they're just too much. From childhood church pen pals to getting married in a country wedding? I'm pretty sure I've already that story and I'm pretty sure it was written by the lady who wrote Anne of Green Gables.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Yes, and I know I need to bond with a Photoshop class. But in the meantime, a laugh is jumping out my throat over how Taylor Swift keeps trying to spread some country sin onto Tim Tebow's pristine peen. Rick Santorum's favorite new IT couple was born on Monday night when they went to dinner with a bunch of friends in Century City. They apparently went as friends, but a source tells UsWeekly that beard extraordinaire Taylor Swift wants Tim to Tebow right over her basket of curly golden love (that's what she's going to call it in the song she's obviously going to write about his ass), but he's not exactly into her. That scent that just trickled up your nostrils is the smell of a beard that just got BURNED. UsWeekly's source said this about Taylor wishing she was the Mary Magdalene to Tim's Jesus:

"Yes, she has a crush on him. She is a massive fan, but I don't think he sees her that way. They actually have been speaking a lot about the Bible and Christianity. Right now it’s on the friendship tip – even though that frustrates her."

Taylor Swift herself is more annoying than a Taylor Swift song, but all these rumors make me like her just a little bit. Taylor is pretending to be an innocent virgin lamb when she's really a slutty snake trying to slither up onto Tim's crotch to rip off his holy water-covered jock strap and fuck his beliefs right out of him. Bitch is like a Wilmer Valderrama in sheep's clothing. I'm not just calling her a sheep, because that's the saying. I'm calling her a sheep, because bitch really does look like a sheep.

Jessica Biel (Tip: Read that boring ho's name in Sookeh from True Blood's voice to make it more exciting. Jessica Beeeeeehl!) and Justin Timberlake have been getting on and off of each over for the past 4 years and I figured it was only a matter of time before their relationship completely buried itself right next to the open grave reserved for their movie careers. But apparently Jessica and Justin have tortured each other for so long that they have decided they should torture each other all the way by getting married. Lainey Gossip points to this Tweet from a gallery owner in Jackson, Wyoming:

Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night...we're picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool...

Jessica Biel seems like a vacuum hole that can suck the personality out of any room she enters and there are major parts of Justin Timberlake's personality that need to be sucked into a black hole to nothingness, so I hope they make each other miserable for centuries to come.

And I will be disappointed in Justin if he didn't propose to Jessica by making her open his dick in a box. You know a finger ring can easily fit around his peen without the help of Crisco. I will also be disappointed if Justin and Brit Brit don't have a double wedding with a cowboy pimp denim theme.

Here I was thinking that Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively would last about as long as a quick fuck on a Toronto subway platform, but she was seen taking his dog Baxter for a walk in NYC the other day by herself. You know shit is seven layers of serious when you let a trick take care of your dog unsupervised. Or maybe Blake's publicist dognapped Baxter for this photo-op. That's a possibility, because Baxter is making a look that's a cross between "Who dis bitch?" and "Is he really making me shit in front of another one of his bland tricks?" That last part reminds me of some shit...

One of my friends had the same dog through three of her sort-of serious relationships and when she moved in with the third dude, her mom seriously said to her, "Don't you think you're going to confuse the dog by shacking up with all these men?" That was a polite way of saying, you a ho. I mean, I'm sure that dog would stare at her while thinking to himself "You disgust me, you slut!" instead of thinking "Give me that bacon." Most dogs don't give a cat shit if you're a huge skank whore or if you're a spinster prude with a vagina that hums out the melody to "Mr. Lonely" in the middle of the night. They will like your ass as long as you feed them, give them attention, don't blame your farts on them and don't make them go out in public wearing the groom suit you make them wear during fake wedding playtime. That being said, my friend's dog totally judged her for being a big skank whore slut.

And I really hope Baxter dropped a wet shit in at least one of Blake's shoes. That's what she gets for using his ass for publicity.

The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this:

"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was."

The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick.

So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins)