Boring Couples

What you're looking at is Jakey Gyllenhaal and Rashida Jones going to lunch together in L.A. over the weekend while his dog Atticus doesn't even try to be slick about the "You're not going to take him apple picking like that the last bitch, are you?" side-eye at her. Just because Jake and Rashida ate food together doesn't mean they later took it to a lawyer's conference room where she rolled around in beard wig glue while their publicists romantically planned their first staged UsWeekly cover together and worked out their photo-op schedule. Can't a bald butch bitch and Quincy's daughter just be friends?

Besides, a day after these pictures were taken, Jake was seen giving that bland Anna Kendrick ho the Christian side hug. Yes, their side hug is about as awkward as the side hug you give to the one night fuck partner who got soft mid-thrust when you run into him on the street (or about as awkward as the side hug a gay gives the chick he lost his vagina virginity to when they run into each other at their high school reunion), but I guess this still means that Rashida isn't getting that second interview. Back to Monster.com's beard section you go, Rashida!

Bikini models hoping to spend the rest of summer sunning their nipples on a yacht in the South of Wherever should stop waiting to a call for a go see at Leonardo DiCatchaho's office, because the dude is not back to catching hos. Now Magazine said earlier this week that Leo pushed Blake Lively off of his dick because his mom thought she was too far up her own oatmeal ass. (I'm trying to picture that image too and I'm coming up with this.) Either Now was freebasing Wite-Out and made this mess up or Leo's mother realized that she can't be mean to a ho who has the face constipated pony with heatstroke.

Because UsWeekly says that Blake and Leo were buying sunglasses together at some store in Santa Barbara, CA on Wednesday. Some source they were holding on to each other the whole time and then went on to BLAH BLAH this out, "They seemed very much in love. They were in the store for about 10 minutes before a crowd of fans noticed them and they rushed out."

Sooooo Blaaaaaaaaaake and Leeeeeeeooooooo are stiiiiiiiiil fuuuuuucking. Yes, I'm trying to make you care about this by using as many vowels as possible so it reads like I'm screaming it out full-mouth. Didn't work, I know. So for your troubles, here's a video of a baby sloth giving his response to this post:

A for real downgrade is when you go from bending your ass for Michael Fassbender to spitting out the pubes of Penn Badgley through your coochie. Zoe Kravitz has apparently done just that. Zoe was humping on her X-Men co-star Michael Fassbender, but now it looks like bitch plummeted down the hot piece ladder and landed on some Gossip Girl dick. Page Six reports that Zoe is officially fucking down and has moved on from Fassbender with Penn.

Zoe and Penn were first seen together at the after-party for Friends with Benefits on Monday night, and some other source says that yesterday they touched skin while going to see Horrible Bosses. The source, who obviously has night vision eyeballs, says Zoe and Penn left right after Jennifer Aniston's character made a joke about how she fapped off a nail tip to him on Gossip Girl. The source said this riveting stuff, "He had his arm around her while they waited in line. But an awkward moment happened when Jennifer Aniston quips, 'Did you see 'Gossip Girl' last night? I fucked myself so hard [watching] that Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.' The look on Penn's face was priceless. They left the theater right after."

Zoe and Penn actually make more sense than Zoe and Michael Fassbender. Zoe and Fassbender looked off to me. Like they were always on an awkward first date after meeting on Craigslist and neither of them wanted to tell the other that they didn't look like their picture at all. But Zoe and Penn both look like they just fell out of an Urban Outfitters catalog and they both look like Dark Crystal characters who didn't make the cut. I bet their mixed together fuck juices smell like patchouli and American Spirit butts. Match made.

Page Six says that while Ryan Reynolds bumped nipples with Charlize Theron and Sean Penn did bumps off of a nipple, ScarJo bumped brains with Ashley Olsen's ex Justin Bartha at a party for the off-Broadway play All New People on Saturday night. Do brains have nipples? Because if so, that's the part of their brains that bumped together.

A witness type says that ScarJo and Justin, who's in those Hangover movies, were "engrossed" in each other and spent the entire night canoodling with each other's words. The witness went on, "There were about 15 people at the table, but Scarlett and Justin sat next to each other and talked all night. They seemed pretty fascinated with each other and only talked to each other. It looked sometimes flirty, but also they seemed to be involved in a deep discussion."

Since we all know that you only get "engrossed" in a trick if you want to get gross with them later on, ScarJo and Justin totally did it. Two celebrities cannot share a conversation without sharing each other's genital juices later. It's just not possible. But ScarJo is doing what she needs to do. You know when you eat something that leaves a layer of ICK NAST on the roof of your mouth and you have to gargle with everything and anything to get the taste out? That's what ScarJo is doing. After riding on Sean Penn for way too long, she's just cleansing her poon palate. I think the exact medical phrase is called, "Listerine-ing your cooch."

In news that will make you miss the exciting days of hearing about the Pollyanna of fag hags Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal giggling over pumpkin lattes together, People reports that Blake NotSoLively and Leonardo DiCatchaHo ordered two cups of coffee last Thursday at some shop in Carmel, CA. In related news, you just injected the contents of two espresso capsules directly into your brain so that your nose won't hit the 6 key while reading this incredibly exciting story (SPOILER ALERT: it will).

The love affair that bloomed out of a publicist's BlackBerry started in Cannes has since made stops in Italy, NYC, Disneyland and now Carmel. A witness type says that before taking a walk together, Blake and Leo came into the Carmel Coffeehouse and did this: "Blake ordered two cappuccinos. One with whipped cream, and one without. But when she learned that the whipped cream was homemade, she added it to the second drink. She was very sweet."

And I bet that basic bitch Blake never winked at Leo and said that she'll churn out a dollop of his homemade whipped cock cream later (Note: Can you actually whip cock cream with a whisk?). What a missed opportunity! I swear, Blake is so bland that she makes a Quaker's yeast infection seem full of flavor. I also swear that if I ever called People to tell them that Blake ordered two cappuccinos with homemade whipped cream, I'd probably just quit life. Err. But then again, here I am using up my bandwidth to tell you that the new Taylor and Jake ordered two cappuccinos with homemade whipped cream. In my defense, the fact that this weekend I ate Cheerios with tap water and powdered cream because I was too lazy to go downstairs to buy milk means that I have already quit life.

(Image via Bauer Griffin)

Somewhere in California, Papa Joe Simpson is furiously gluing the beads on Jessica Simpson's bridal pasties while yelling at the team from Spanx to make her wedding dress faster, because he needs to marry off his daughter in the next few days so that she gets the cover of all the magazines and Tony Romo doesn't! As Jessica bawled into a bowl of cake soup, her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo married Chace Crawford's sister Candice in front of 600 people in Dallas, TX yesterday. Yes, a professional football player married a pageant queen turned news anchor in Texas. The theme of the wedding was obviously: STEREOTYPES! I hope Candice loves a mug full of chardonnay in the morning, because ho is a Kathie Lee Gifford in-the-making.

People reports that after Tony took at least 20 minutes to lift the veil over his bride's head (it took about 19 minutes to clear her forehead) for their wedding kiss, their guests ate short ribs and pizza in the reception tent. The guests also got a gift bag that included: a Neiman Marcus gift card, assorted treats from Great One Cookies, a Mix of the Month CD by DJ Lucy Wrubel, a miniature bottle of Moet champagne, a box of Dude Sweet Chocolates, gourmet popcorn, chips and salsa, "Killer Pecans" from Bandera Foods, Voss bottled water, and an assortment of Kiehl's beauty and body products.

That gift bag is pretty fitting, because I'm sure that last night Jessica's gold digging fiance Eric Johnson used her Neiman Marcus credit card to buy canary diamond cuff links while she sat in the changing room, dipping tear-stained cookies into champagne and salsa.

I can't wait to see the pictures of Chace Crawford throwing precious flutters with his eyes down the aisle. Who needs a flower girl when you've got Chace Crawford?

In a shocking twist of events, Leonardo DiCaprio was seen strolling in Cannes with a woman who doesn't consider a bikini as her job uniform and isn't a pro at keeping her face sexy for the camera while a wad of sand exfoliates her ass lips in a bad way. Page Six says that avid supermodel collector Leonardo DiCatchaho and Blake Lively spent an intimate moment in Cannes together on Friday night.

A source type says that Leo and Marble Mouth looked like they had sparkly hearts in their eyes while they walked all around the Hotel Du Cap Eden Roc. The source went on, "She was wearing white and he was in a baseball cap. They walked around the grounds together. It looked like they were a couple."

As a Barbizon graduate, I feel very close to the modeling community and consider them my extended family. So that is why I just have to say: Fuck Marble Mouth! Fuck DiCatchaho! And fuck famous actresses! First they take fashion magazine covers from models, then they take ad campaigns from models and now they're taking a supermodel's most loyal subject? Betrayal is Leo humping on an actress. If Leo starts dating actresses, then we can confirm that loyalty really is dead.

I know how you like to keep up-to-fucking-date on the current (possibly staged) relationship status of Rachel Bilson (that girl you always have to Google to get a clue) and Hayden Christensen (that dude you always have to Google to get a clue), so here they are sunning their SANS FARDS faces in Barbados yesterday. It was just the usual. Hayden took his hairy nipple quiches for a dip and since they both have the personalities of a bowl of room temperature buttermilk salad dressing, Rachel decided to spice shit up by abducting a child from the beach. I'm sure they all had an exciting time staring at the wallpaper seams in their hotel room.

Suri Cruise's eyes might be saying "Isn't this special?", but her finger over her mouth is loudly screaming, "How. Tragic." From Jim Toth looking like a shaved monkey getting his daily protein by nibbling the gnats out of Reese Witherspoon's hair to Hello! Magazine erasing the Barbie from her dress, Suri is not amused. If People insisted on pushing Suri into the corner, they could've at least used a picture of Reese that didn't make her look like the love child of Skipper and Mr. Potato Head getting assaulted by a Monchichi. No, she looks pretty. I'm just every flavor of bitter, because Jake Gyllenhaal should be the one with a veil on his head on the cover of People. And Reese knows it! That Ore-Ida chin of hers has got a dollop of smugness directed at JAKE! Something tells me Jake will be shouting a raw rendition of Whitney Houston's "It's Not Right, But It's Okay" at this cover today.

And here's the newly married Reese at the ACMs in Las Vegas last night with RPattz! Either RPattz is stoned drunk or he's trying to wrestle out a fart.

It was only about six minutes ago when Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas took their final bows and closed the curtain on the act called their relationship, and she's already hitting the ho stroll hard with supposed manslut Jared Followill of the Kings of Leon. Relevancy doesn't fall from the sky (unless your name is Rebecca Black Friday), so Ashley is working hard for those clicks and brought Jared along to drive up the picture prices (it didn't). Ashley, her daddy Joe and Jared celebrated International Drunk Day (or as the Irish call it, every day) at Phebe's Tavern in NYC yesterday afternoon before doing the walk of famefucking in front of the paps. Whoring aside, I'm guessing that Jared doesn't pull the "it's getting late and my penis is falling asleep" move when Ashley takes her bra off, so he's definitely an upgrade from Joe Jonas!

And speaking of green, am I the only one who doesn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day. I don't understand why most dumb bitches do? Why would you deny yourself pinches from strangers?! I practically beg for that shit to happen every single night, so March 17th is the one day of the year I don't wear green. When I see a stranger assuming the pinch position with their fingers, I lift up my black shirt and tell them to aim for the nipples. Bring on the pinches!