Boring Couples

Look at Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn! They are laughing their perfectly shaped ass lips off because they are so beautiful and so fertile, and we're not! They need to shut their lips and go back to the Ralph Lauren ad they came from.

With all the baby announcements going on, I'm starting to lose track on who's knocked up and who's popped. I could have sworn on my Pee Chee folder that Angie and Jason already announced they were bringing another perfect baby into this cruel world. I guess I was wrong. They already have two daughters, Finely and Avery. Expect their third child to be named Moray, Beasely or Tinsley.

Their pr whore issued this statement to UsWeekly: "The couple originally denied reports that they were pregnant in an attempt to take back the right to release the joyous news themselves." Oh joy! Another baby. BABIES!!!

Speaking of BABIES!!!, when is Gwen Stefani going to finally give birth? She's been pregnant for yeeeeeaaaars! Baby is smart. Baby should stay in there as long as possible. Shit, I'd crawl in there if I could. It's warm and she probably has cable.

Jakey Poo has reportedly been blabbing off to his homegirls that he will marry Reese Witherspoon on December 19th, his birthday. His birthday! Typical. Jakey is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. He's going to cry into Reese's chin when they don't have the birds of paradise he wanted. He will screech like a pig bottom in heat when he finds out that Vera Wang has refused to make him a custom lace banana hammock. Yeah, he's going to be terrible.

Anyway, some nosy bitch told the Daily Mail, "Jake is telling everyone they are getting married at Christmas. He told me he had proposed several times but she kept telling him she wanted to give their relationship more time. When he asked her again a couple of weeks ago, she finally said yes."

She only said yes because Jakey Poo kept throwing a tantrum every time she said no. He really, really wants to be a Christmas bride. Reese got sick of buying him a limited-edition Barbie as a "I'm sorry gift" every time she said no, so she just gave in.

Seriously though, I don't see them tying the knot anytime soon. Well, except for the knot on Jakey Poo's harness.

Seriously though, I don't see these two bores tying the knot anytime soon. I mean, Hollywood rules state that you must get knocked up first. And since tickle games can't produce a baby, I doubt they will make it legal in the near future.

Kate Hudson and Lance Amrstrong broke up like 10 seconds ago and she's already got herself a new bag. Well, an old new bag. Some nosy bitch told OK! that they witnessed Kate and her ex-husband, Chris Robinson, kissing on the street in front of her apartment in NYC.

The nosy bitch said, "They were really affectionate with each other and gave each other a kiss which lasted much longer then a platonic kiss should last — 20 seconds, maybe a little longer. Without going into all the details the kiss was more than just friends. They seemed like something more going on and were very affectionate with each other."

Without going into details? Did they also finger bang each other or something? Whoever this "witness" is, needs to get laid now. Who stands there, stares, and times a kiss? Well, I do that, but I have my reasons.

Kate is just making a pit-stop on Chris before moving on to her next dude. Her vagina is probably feeling weepy and alone, so it needs someone familiar to console it. That's what exes are for.

Matthew Broderick and SJP just so happened to run into the paps as they left a restaurant together in NYC last night. Please, you know those bitches texted the paps. I would say call, but who does that anymore?

Last week, Star Magazine claimed Matthew is having an affair with a chick. Yes, a woman. A biological woman. Obviously, since SJP and Matthew are out together, this must mean their marriage is just peachy.

I'm surprised Matthew didn't grab SJP, dip her, suck on her pony lips, and declare his love for her in front of everyone. Shit, they should have just done fuckey fuckey times in front of the paps, so everyone would know that their marriage isn't in the troff.

And what is going on with Matthew? He used to be semi-cute, right? Now he just looks like he spends way too much time in his basement, watching really kinky gay porn while eating an entire box of Vanilla Wafers.

Also, I didn't know they were Buddhists. Isn't the white string a Buddhist thing? I should become a Buddhist. I like white strings.

Boring couple news! Jennifer Garner's Alias co-star, Victor Garber, opened up his fat mouth and confirmed that Jennifer is knocked up with her second kid. He told UsWeekly, "Yes, she is."

Victor later told E! that his words were taken out of context. While reading this quote, I picture him sweating like a Davis Brother and stuttering like a crackhead, "I haven't confirmed that at all, no. I know they want to have another child and hopefully that's true, but I don't know that. No, I know that they are hoping to be. I just don't know that it's for sure. It's a very...personal thing." Translation: He fucked up

This shit comes right after the rumors that Jen and Ben's marriage was heading straight for the dumpster. A source said, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."

Back in May, Ben told the UK Times, "And we’re going to have another baby soon, now that we’ve figured out how to do it. We want lots of kids.”

He's not lying about the just figuring out the sex part. They probably have only fucked twice. Jennifer closes her eyes the entire time while Ben stares at a picture of Matt Damon.

Congrats to Broccoli and Asparagus! Let's pass around the BAND-AIDS and go back to bed, because these two put me to fucking sleep.

Here's knocked up Jen leaving a friend's house in Santa Monica yesterday. I'm surprised to see that she drives a Lexus SUV. I picture her as a Volvo station wagon kind of ho.

Remember Ethan Hawke? Yeah, me neither. Well, he got married to his knocked up girlfriend, Ryan Shawhughes, three weeks ago. People reports that the two twats are expecting a baby girl soon. This Ethan's second marriage.

Ryan and Ethan met while he was still married to Uma Thurman. She worked as their nanny. They claim they started dating after he divorced Uma. Uh...huh...and I don't slather apple butter on myself hoping my dog licks it off. I'M JOKING! Don't call Peta!

Hopefully, dumb bitch Ryan is smart enough not to hire a nanny for their new baby. And if her lazy ass insists on getting one, she better hire a 300lb toofless beast.

Girlfriend had too many Cosmos! Actually, Jake Poo probably drinks sour apple martinis. He likes how they make his manpussy pucker. Jakey strikes me as a total sloppy drunk. Like a sorority sister. He probably gets all handsy, dances on tables, lip-synchs to Cyndi Lauper and flashes his chichis at the frat boys. Reese just sits there rolling her eyes and sipping on her Shirley Temple. She puts the boo in booooring.

Here's Reese and Jakey Poo out to dinner in London last night. Jakey is currently shooting the title role in "The Prince of Persia" in the UK.

Star Magazine reports that Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Drew's spokesbitch said, "I can confirm the split but have no other comment."

33-year-old Drew and the 30-year-old Mac Dude started dating in September 2007. For some reason, I thought they were together for years. I guess time seems to stretch out when you don't really give a fuck.

They probably broke up because even the Mac Dude couldn't get Drew the new iPhone. The new iPhone is ruining lives!!

Drew's intermission between boyfriends is never long, so she'll probably have a new dude in a couple of weeks. Any bets on who it might be? I'm going to go with Vince Vaughn. Or has she already hit that? I can never keep up with these Hollywood sluts.

New boring couple alert! 20-year-old model Lily Cole was caught leaving Jude Law's pad in London yesterday morning after spending the night. What a slut! At least she doesn't have dried man chowder in her hair. That happened to me once and I had to tell everyone it was dried-up "cheap hair gel."

According to the Mirror, Lily has been boinking 35-year-old Jude for the past two weeks.

Last week, creepy-doll-faced Lily and bald-headed Jude went to a Radiohead concert together. A witness said they were surprised to see 5'10" Lily "towering over" Jude. I'm assuming Lily was wearing heels, because Jude is 5'10" himself. Jude is going to have to call up Tommy Girl to get the number for his platform shoe maker.

On Saturday night, the two were spotted having a romantic dinner. A witness said, "There was no blatant kissing but it was obvious they were more than just friends. Jude was being very affectionate and gazing into her eyes." Never trust someone who "gazes" into your eyes. The last dude that "gazed" into my eyes, ended up dognapping my pooch and throwing me out of a moving car. Those types can never be trusted.

Lily and Jude are going to last a quick minute. Jude is a mega man whore to the tenth degree. His heart shouldn't write checks that his dick can't cash! I'm not sure if that made any sense, but leave me alone! It's Monday fucking morning.

Images: Mr. Paparazzi

I could have sworn Naomi Watts was still knocked up, but Wikipedia said she popped out baby Alexander last July. Maybe I'm confusing her with Nicole Kidman? Or Kate Winslet? All those weepy hos are the same and they are all having babies.

UsWeekly claims Naomi and her dude, Liev Schreiber, are expecting a baby. Some source said Naomi is in her second trimester. Naomi's spokeswhore said she doesn't comment on her client's personal life. Blah...blah...buy me a drink and shut up.

And no, they ain't married, but marriage is for the birds. Fuck, even birds are smart enough not to get hitched. Wait, birds don't have some kind of weird marriage ceremony, do they? I know they do in cartoons, but what about real life? Get back to me.