Boring Couples

Adrien Brody and January Jones were at the same Memorial Day party in Malibu yesterday, and now some are saying that she's sucking on his hung nose on the down low. You know, because if two famous whores go to the same party, that automatically means they are fucking each other over the toilet in the bathroom.

And while I do agree that everybody should be focusing on solving the mystery of Adrien and January's relationship, I think that before we do that we need to put our magnifying glasses over this picture. This is where the real story is:

Why are they both wearing a Jerry Garcia uniform? Why is that boy sitting on the floor in the doorway? Why is that person behind him holding a rolled up paper like my abuelita getting ready to attack? Why did a moth nibble at that lady's brows? Why is she wearing frosted Playboy pink lipstick bought at the Dollar Tree? These are the real questions!

Before John Tesh was a New Age block of cheese who does gymnastics commentary, and before Oprah was Gayle's favorite bath time partner, the two lived together in Nashville in the 1970s.

In a new Oprah tell-all, biographer Kitty Kelly (which is also the nickname of someone's vagina, I'm sure) writes that John and Oprah swirled it up in Tennessee back in the day.

According to Kitty, John moved out of their apartment in the middle of the night, because he couldn't handle the pressures of being in an interracial relationship at that time. From the NYDN:

"He said one night he looked down and saw his white body next to her black body and couldn't take it anymore," another Tesh ex-paramour told Kelley.

"He walked out in the middle of the night. ... He told me he later felt very guilty about it."

Winfrey spokeswoman Angela DePaul said Saturday that Oprah was not commenting on the highly anticipated book.

John issued this statement to Entertainment Tonight about his relationship with Oprah: "Oprah and I were cub reporters in Nashville nearly 40 years ago and we dated for a short time. We even talked about it during one of my appearances on her show. We remain friends to this day."

Somebody give Kitty a Q-tip and a back scratch, because she needs to calm down! I mean, John ran out of there after looking at his white ass next to Oprah's black booty? ! I'm sure John licked on Oprah's booty several times up until that point. Besides, if John really did Oprah wrong, the mighty fist of God would've destroyed him a long ass time ago.

That poor little girl saw Reese Witherspoon holding hands with a grow-man wearing flip-flops with long pants, and figured it was Jakey Poo. So she ran over to hand Jakey a pink umbrella, because she knows he loves nothing more than to prance around his backyard with a ruffle parasol in his hand (who doesn't?). The little girl felt a wave of disappointment hit her when she got up close and realized it wasn't Jakey. It's Reese's new piece Jim Toth! DAMN JIM for tricking that little girl by wearing man flops with pants.

Reese and her new hand-holding partner spent the weekend in Ojai, CA to celebrate her birthday. They've been dating for a few weeks, but this is one of the first times they've been photographed together.

Hopefully, Reese has finally found someone that can blow into her hot box without giggling. Although, I do spy a few glitter flakes wafting off of Jim. It's probably nothing. Reese just likes her men the same way she likes her tea: WITH EXTRA HONAAAY!

Fishsticks Paltrow slipped on a custom coat (made out of Chris Martin's testicle hair) to take a stroll to see how construction is coming along on her massive 33-room Casa De Poop in London. Fishy was escorted by Gary Lightbody, the lead singer of Snow Patrol. Gary is kind of like Chris Martin, but with less cuntness.

I'm sure the tabloids are going to dry hump all over these pictures and declare that Fishsticks has replaced her husband with Gary. But I doubt anything is going on here. I'm sure Gary just came over so Fishsticks could help him lose his "batwings" and give him a cucumber/cayenne enema (or whatever the fuck she's into these days). Strictly GOOP business. So if you see Gary on the street with a leaky butt, it's just his dignity seeping out from spending time with Fishsticks.

With that said, you know Fishsticks gets hard when thinking about what her full name would be if she married Gary. Gwyneth Lightbody. Ugh. That's a yoga pose, right?

UPDATE: That's not Gary Lightbody with her, but Gwyneth Paltrow still wishes her full name was Gwyneth Lightbody. That is all.

The story goes that Ryan Phillipe's marriage to Reese Witherspoon died along with his career after he started having an affair with his Stop-Loss co-star Abbie Cornish Game Hen back in 2006. So it's really not surprising to read that Abbie has dropped Ryan's dick from her life, because she's sick of dating a dirty filthy slut who is trying to dethrone Gerard Butler as the biggest manwhore on the West Coast. Abbie's rep confirmed the split to People:

"Abbie ended the relationship with Ryan and she moved out of their home."

When People asked if the break-up had anything to do with the rumors that Ryan has been (see what I did there) cheating on Abbie for the past year, her rep simply farted: "No comment." In bullshitanese, "no comment" means "fuck yes."

I know that everyone and their dog is barking, "What goes around comes around, whore," but it's hard to see the light when you're getting dicked in a special way. Which I'm assuming is why Abbie's vag stuck around so long, because let's be honest here, a cream-less Twinkie could tickle your brain more than Ryan Phillipe can. Well, unless Ryan does you in the ear.

Don't ever tell Miranda Kerr's brother a secret (i.e. that you floss your teeth with your toenail clippings), because ho can't keep one. Apparently, he's been telling everyone with ears that his sissy is going to marry Orlando Bloom. This is another reason why we all lie to our family members.

Miranda and Orlando have been dating for around three years. They recently denied marriage rumors, but Miranda's brother farted off to OK! Magazine, “He's finally done it. Orlando has proposed. They're getting married.” And you just got dis-invited. No open bar for you.

You know, Orlando Bloom is so purdy that he could be a Victoria's Secret Angel himself, so I'm not sure who would make a lovelier bride. My nipples are humming just picturing Legolas with a white lace veil on his head and a bouquet in his delicate hands. Doesn't that sound as precious as a My Little Pony Sno-Cone maker?

UPDATE: Orlando Bloom's rep says this rumor is made of lies. Miranda's brother must have been drinking again.

Meanwhile in New Jersey......

27 -year-old Ivanka Trump married fellow rich bitch Jared Kushner (owner of The New York Observer) yesterday at her daddy's golf club.

Unfortunately, Ivanka didn't wear a dress made from her daddy's bankruptcy documents and cartilage from her original nose. Instead she wore a Vera Wang gown inspired by Grace Kelly. People reports that among the 500-guests was Regis Philbin who sang for the new couple. I'm sure Regis was supposed to duet with Kathie Lee but she otherwise engaged (aka laying head first in the wine fountain).

Ivanka is also a new jew, because she converted in order to marry Jared who is Orthodox Jewish. Ivanka fast-tracked her conversion since it only took a few months instead of a year or two. And I guess this means that Donald Trump was forced to cover his "Where The Wild Things Are" mop with a yarmulke. That poor yarmulke won't ever be heard from again since I'm sure Donald Trump's comb-over of tragicness ate it whole.

Life & Style says that 30-year-old Claire Danes (Yeah, I know she looks like a 50-something politician's wife here) married 34-year-old Hugh Dancy earlier this month in France. Yes, they managed to keep this shit on the down low. Even Rickie kept his mouth shut. Or maybe nobody cared. Yeah, that was probably it.

Claire and Hugh announced their engagement earlier this year. The two met on a movie set two years ago while Claire was bumping wetties with Billy Crudup. And in case you forgot, Billy left a knocked-up Mary-Louise Parker for Claire. So you know what has to happen now? Mary-Louise Parker has to fuck on Hugh Dancy so that circle can be completed! It's the circle of homewrecky fuckery!

Alyssa Milano has decided to give the whole marriage thing another go for the second time. Alyssa married agent David Bugliari at his family's house in New Jersey today. People says that Alyssa wore Vera Wang, she walked down the aisle to John Lennon's "Imagine" and her reception was decorated with rattan furniture and hay bales. Okay, Alyssa took a left turn and lost me at the rattan and hay bales part. Was this a Spears themed weddings?

Unfortunately, I don't think Mona was there to tell her she was making a huge mistake by tying her vagina down to one man.

I'm guessing Alyssa's new ball and chain cums Mother's Cookies and has a dick the size of an obese boa constrictor, because well...you know....

AND I hope Alyssa dazzled her wedding guests at the reception by performing this amazing song:

Now I know why they invented auto-tune.

The poster couple for Ambien, Tittay Lachey and Vanessa Manilafolders, have quit the love! UsWeekly reports that Nick and Va...zzz...zzzz...zzzz..zzzzz See, even the thought of these two bring the sleepies faster than the soothing sounds of the rainforest. Just reading their names makes you want to fluff up a pillow, put your hand on your crotch and fall asleep! Anyway, surrender to the zzzzs or pop a No-Doz and read on.

Nick and Vanessa started dating right after he split up with Jessica Simpson in 2006. A source said, "It was an amicable break-up. They walk away from it still friends. They still care about each other very much. This is what's best for both of them."

You know, why can't whores stop with the "we're still friends" noise? Most of us walk away hating our exes in the heart, but still loving them in the genitals. So a more accurate statement would be: "It was an amicable break-up. They are still fucking. This is what's best for both of them." The end.

Are you still awake?