Boring Couples

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong started a pap frenzy yesterday when they went out to lunch with Golden Hawn in Santa Monica. Goldie Hawn is used to meeting all of her daughter's fuck buddies. She probably calls Lance "FB #546." She only came to lunch because she likes the restaurant's vodka gimlets. And because her scary lips needed air or they will deflate.

Lance also couldn't wait to show off his totally awesome douchehawk. Dear Lance, every teenage boy from the late 90s called. They want their hair back.

I'm falling asleep just thinking about it! Ted Casablanca over at E! is reporting that two boiled potatoes may be splitting up very soon. Apparently, Ben Affleck's mommy never liked Jennifer Garner. Probably because Mommy Affleck needed to overdose on NoDoz every time she was around Garner.

Benny's spokesbitch said, "We usually don't comment on stuff like this. But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won't post that item. It's all BS."

I would probably weep one black tear if Bennifer the Sequel split up. If these two blocks of wood can't make their marriage last, nobody can.

Image: Wenn

Lance Armstrong and Snow White's missing dwarf are still going strong. She needs to reward herself with a huge scoop of bubblegum ice cream, because this is turning out to be one of her longest relationships. His too. I hope they get in hours of fuckey fuckey times, because their expiration date is nearing!

Should we even bother giving them a couple name? Yeah, why not? I'm thinking NutKat or StrongSon. Both of those sound like gay leather bars. Perfect!

Here's Lancey and Kate leaving dinner in NYC last night.

Lance Armstrong has been knocking his ball against Kate Hudson's yes-yes hole for all of 10-seconds and they are already hanging out with each other's kids. Kate and her son, Ryder, joined Lance and his kids in Toronto this weekend for a charity bike ride. On Saturday, the whole crew went out for ice cream.

Damn, those children must be confused. I hope Kate and Lance don't expect them to learn names. They should just say, "Honey. This is Boyfriend #315, but you can call him 315 for short."

Below are more pictures of Kate with her son in Toronto. And yes they use the same hairdresser and the same flat-iron. I've also thrown in pictures of the boring duo going to an Iron Maiden concert in NYC last night. Iron Maiden. Enough said.

Jennifer Garner and her daughter, Violet, were shopping for boring shit in Brentwood yesterday when Jen accidentally locked her keys in the car, along with her daughter. Drama! This is probably the most exciting thing to happen to them in yeeeeeaaars.

You know Violet just want some "me time." It's probably exhausting being around Jen all the time. She strikes me as one of those people that is always cheery and positive. Like all the time. You just want to shake those people and say, "Call me a dumb bitch! Slap me! Shoot me! Anything!" They would respond by saying, "I'm going to go take a walk and let you cool off." ACK! Those kind of bitches drive me crazy.

Anyway, Violet eventually figured out how to open the door and all was fine. Boooring.

It was a lovely day at the office for Sandra Bullock. She got paid zillions to get on her knees in front of Ryan Reynolds. This scene would look better if he was naked, it was me instead of her and if there was a goose down pillow under my knees. Seriously, I'm not fucking up my knees for any whore.

Ry and Sandy shot scenes for their new movie, "The Proposal" in NYC yesterday. The movie is about some bitchy boss (Sandy) who forces her assistant (Ryan) to marry her so that she won't get deported back to Canada.

This movie was just as awful when it was called "Green Card." Sorry, I can't take Andie MacDowell. I'd rather watch a boxing pussy for 3 hours straight than watch anything with Andie in it. Well, except for "Beauty Shop." That shit was hot.

And what did they do to Sandy's hair? Does this crap show take place in 1997?!

Ryan Phillipe & Abbie Cornish or Asparagus & Mayo?

You know, dumb whores always gross out when they see me eat asparagus with mayo. It's the only way I can eat it. I don't give a fuck if it's ghetto shit, it's delicious! I don't eat it with that fancy mayo either. I use Miracle Whip. The mayo still doesn't cover up the rank stench your pee produces from eating asparagus.

Anyway, Ryan Phillipe and that girl stepped out for the first time as a couple at last night's Australian in Film Breakthrough Awards. I didn't think it was possible to be more boring than Reese, but Abbie proved me wrong! Ryan was reportedly getting it on with bland Abbie while he was still with Reese.

People reports that the two were "canoodling' the entire night. A source said, "He had his arm around her and they were cozy and comfortable."

They look stoned. They probably are. It's the only way to keep themselves from falling asleep in each other's company.

I read this story about Harry Ford and Calista Flockhart getting engaged and it said he was 65. That old ass pepaw is only 65?! I'm not joking. I seriously thought the pepaw was at least 85. At least. Wasn't he like 40 when he did the Star Wars movie?s And Calista is only 43! Damn, these two whores are sucking out each other's youth. Let's hope they never have babies because Calista will give birth to a 30-year-old. You know Harry has some aged sperm.

Anyway, Harry and Calista are reportedly engaged. Sources say he popped the question on April Fool's Day. Never trust a bitch that will ask you to marry him on April Fool's Day. She should have that ring checked out STAT. It's probably made from recycled coke bottles.

The source said the couple of 5-years plan to get married this summer. This will be Harry's third marriage and Calista's first. I hope they dress up his walker with pretty flowers and shit. There's no way he's going to be able to stand at the alter without some help.

Source

Why do these celebrity twats always date their co-stars? It's bad enough having to see the same bitch all day at work and then you have to see them at home and on the weekends? Variety is the spice of life!

Gossip Girl twinkies, Blake Lively and Penn Badgley, are doing each other in real life. They are probably too dumb to realize the difference between real life and fake life. They totally call each other by their character names.

Here's Blake and Penn holding hands and drinking Shrek jizz in NYC yesterday.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have been keeping their relationship on the down low for at least three months prior to going public. That's what Page Six claims. Jenny and John went public earlier this month, but a source said they have been dating for much longer than a month.

The source said, "They'd been keeping it under wraps and hiding out together on their dates. Then Jen realized it wasn't just a fling and decided to take it public." Let me guess, this source's name is Emma Gellar? Emma was the name of Rachel and Ross's baby on Friends. Why do I know this crap?

They've been together 4 months? That's like 4 years in Hollywood time. They should already have a baby on the way, a wedding in the works and at least 3 break-up scandals under their belts. Get with the program, Jenny! Bitch needs to hire Papa Joe.