Boring Couples

Gross. They already annoy the fuck out of me and they haven't even been together for a month. I'm surprised they've lasted this long. Can't they just keep their nastiness indoors and spare us all! Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong arrived in Monaco together for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

The two sluts bags left their hotel today and got on a boat. Unfortunately, the boat didn't sink. I know, such hate. I can't help it. This is what they do to me.

Kate really needs to spend a few hours in the mirror, examining her laugh. Bitch looks fug when she laughs. She looks like she's smelling a rancid fart that she created. We all should examine our laughs in the mirror. Shit, I have spent many a night working on my "laugh face," "eating face" and "yawn face."

Here's more pics of Kate and Lance skeezing it up in Monaco.

Jakey Poo is totally checking out some hot ass in the picture above. Reese is thinking, "Why won't Jakey Poo play with my panty hamster?" Sigh.

Here's Jakey and his main fag hag cuddling outside of a restaurant yesterday. Reese is looking like a little pregnant in the belly. This is obviously impossible. You can't get pregnant from "tickle and giggle" sessions. It's just Shirley Temple bloat.

Star Magazine reports that Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder are a new couple. They're good together. They are both responsible for pretty much ruining "Bram Stoker's Dracula" with their wooden chemistry. Hopefully, their dates will consist of acting classes and colonics.

The original Wino and Keanu are currently filming "The Privates Lives of Pippa Lee" together. A source said they are always in each other's trailers. The source went on to say, "They are also always hugging on the set. The chemistry is really electric." Electric? In their pretty, little dreams. There's nothing electric about two pieces of wet wood.

OG Wino has also been spending time at Keanu's NYC apartment during breaks in filming.

They belong together. Keanu lives like a homeless person, so at least he doesn't have to worry about her stealing anything. Unless he wants her to steal his heart. Awwww. BARF! Donkey punch me if I ever get that sappy again.

John Mayer and Jenny Aniston had lunch in Miami yesterday which means she's either knocked up or they are getting married. Actually, we're talking about Aniston here, so it's probably their first and last date. Well!

The GM of the joint they were eating at told People they were very close and their heads almost touched. OMG! He probably witnessed the conception of their first baby together.

I know you're pulling your pubies out wondering what they had for lunch? She had a "chopped chicken salad, while Mayer had a Serrano ham sandwich which "Jen ate some of." I'm surprised a food expert wasn't brought in to tell us what their food choices say about how they feel about one another.

Jen and John were also seen leaving another restaurant later that night. He had his arm around her. He was probably giving her the "It's not you, it's me" speech. It was lovely while it lasted.

I bet they met through Facebook. She superpoked him and John actually answered! She probably superpokes everyone though. Check your Facebook. I'm sure you've been superpoked by her.

Shannon Elizabeth and her "Dancing with the Stars" partner, Derek Hough, might be doing sexy times together off the dance floor. Last night, ABC put together this package of the two getting close on the beach. Shannon and Derek said they were just "getting into their roles."

One of the show's robotic hosts, Samantha Harris, even asked, “Are you saying that this is just, then, a showmance?” Shannon said they were just getting into their dances. I wanted Shannon to blurt out, "He's a fag! OK!? A fag!"

Cheryl Burke was asked about their relationship and she said, “They should just admit it." And Cheryl should just admit she's a muppet already.

I can't wrap my gaydar around Derek Hough. He's a Ken doll from the 80s that's been left out in the sun too long. I just can't picture him having sex with anybody! He probably doesn't have a crotch just like Ken.

Source

Ok, he doesn't really get the "hot" chicks, but he gets the young ones. David Cross from Mr. Show and Arrested Development was reportedly making out with Amber Tamblyn at a movie premiere. Yeah, the chick from Joan of Arcadia. SUCIO! He's 43 and she's 23.

A witness told P6 they"were definitely together, making out and barely came up for air the whole night." I don't get when people say "they barely came up for air." Making out for a long period of time can get kind of gross. I mean, you can't really breathe, sometimes snots form and the saliva can get stale. It can become a mess. That's why you have to break it up with butt rimming. Tongue to ass then tongue to mouth. I'll stop.

Amber reminds me of this chick in high school that had an affair with one of the teachers. She was one of those girls that looked completely boring and useless on the outside, but on the inside she was a total freak with major daddy issues. The girl even got pregnant on purpose! When the teacher called the affair off, she went to the Principal and got his ass arrested. She was my idol at the time.

Jenny Aniston's publicist must be working his Blackberry to the core. Jenny and Orlando Bloom have once again been linked. Witnesses told Page Six that the two were recently dining at Eva LongWHORIA's house of whores, Beso.

The "witness" aka Aniston herself said, "They were sitting very close and she was looking at him like he was her favorite guy in the world."

They got it all wrong. She was sitting across the room and he was looking at her like she was his favorite guy in the world. Orlando's current girlfriend, Miranda Kerr, has nothing to worry about. Keep moving along.

I just know Aniston is trying to make this happen! It's never going to happen. She needs to link herself to someone more believable. I'm thinking....James Haven Voight. Now that's a story!

Note to Brangaloonies: If you didn't know that was Brad Pitt's ear in the picture above, you need to remove your Brangaloonie badge right away and take down your Shiloh altar!

A Pink is the New Blog reader claims they heard Carrie Underwear confirm on the radio this morning that she's no longer dating Gossip Girl Chace Crawford. This isn't shocking since the two haven't been seen together for a long ass time. Chace has been spending most of his time with JC Chasez.

There's rumors that the two are more than just best homeboys. HOMOboys. Defamer has a funny picture of Chace leaving JC's cabana at the Roosevelt Hotel's pool. Sharing a cabana? That totally means they are anal fucking.

Below are pictures of Chacey and Jacey at different events within the past month. Aww...which one's the top and which one's the bottom? Jacey's the top and Chacey's the bottom. They totally flip-flop after a night of too many cosmos.

Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans have been pretty quiet about their relationship. Sienna has already denied they are engaged. Leave it to mom to spill the frijoles. Rhys' mommy has opened her big mouth and claims they are in fact promised to each other for marriage. His memaw told The Sun, "They adore each other and I am so pleased for them. They make a fantastic couple. We think she is lovely, absolutely fantastic."

Rhys' family also said the two are looking for a home in Wales. Recently, Sienna told friends that she loves Wales and accused the English of pillaging the country. She said, "I think it is the most beautiful country in the world and the people were just gracious and lovely considering they have been raped and pillaged by the English for so long." Ok...let's have another drink then, Sienna.

Rhys has reportedly proposed to Sienna dozens of times, but she finally accepted this time. He probably finally caught her at the one moment of the day she wasn't completely wasted.

Congrats to the dirty couple! Let's hope they will brush their hair and teeth for this special occasion. Probably not, but one can hope!

Renee Zellweger left the Waverly Inn in NYC last night holding some dude's hand Squinty has finally found love! Well, at least love for the night.

The dude is cute in a "might be a serial killer" sort of way. He looks like he has major OCD. He probably obsessively counts the number of blinks people make while he's talking to them. Being with Squinty is going to drive him crazy, because birdie doesn't blink.