Lindsay Lohan

If Gerard Slutler and HoHan are in a room together, you better believe that STD-infused saliva bombs will fly in a quick minute. So it's no surprise that the two reportedly made the free clinic proud by tongue fucking each other at the opening of the Mazagan Beach Resort in Morocco on Halloween.

Shortly after The Mirror spotted the two making out, HoHan apparently told them (for some reason), “He’s hot, he’s mine! I’ve got no ring on my finger so I’m gonna have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world after all.” A few beats later, the two jumped in a golf cart and rode off to exchange genital germs in the night. Totally romantic.

Both Gerard and HoHan will fuck a toilet if it winked at them, so this was going to happen sooner or later. I'm sure that when the toxic fumes cleared, they both cleaned off their fuck parts with a fire extinguisher and went back out to hunt for their next victim.

And how much do you want to bet that they both tried to pick each other up the next night not realizing that they got it on the night before? Such is the life of a true slut. It happens to all of us.

Here's Blohan and Paula Abdul making pharmaceutical stocks rise while posing together at Richard Branson's "Rock The Kasbah" party in Los Angeles last night. Later on in the night, the two bonded even more while trying to smoke crushed up Klonopin pills out of a hookah.

Despite Blohan's nails looking like she just spent the past hour scratching out the residue from a crack pipe, she does look a little "better" here. Right? Or maybe I'm getting a contact high from these pictures and she still looks like a sun dried apricot.

Lindsay Lohan tells Life & Style (via E! Online) not to worry about her 15-year-old sister partying in clubs and bars with her, because she totally can handle drunk bitches, people overdosing and skeezy old dudes flashing her on the dancefloor. Well, she is learning from the best.

The voice of reason said, "She's tougher than I am. She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn't know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn't have a big sister." Blohan also added that Ali knows when to put down the Long Island Iced Tea to finish her homeschool work, "She's really good about that. If I'm going out late, she'll go home early."

I don't even know why Ali is bothering with homeschool. She's already learning the most important skills in life from hanging around her sister. I mean, don't you wish that at the age of 15 you learned how to pump a stomach with Alka-Seltzer pills and a cocktail straw? Or how to vomit perfectly into a bottle of beer without leaving a drop? I didn't learn those life skills until I was 18! AT LEAST! Ali is totally ahead of us all.

The Insider seems to be the new WWE! A couple of weeks ago, Nancy Grace gave Jon Grosselin a concussion without even getting out of her chair and now it's NeNe's turn! The Real Housewives of Atlanta's resident bitch slapper went head to head with Michael Lohan in an episode that airs tonight. Michael Lohan thought his mouth was a weapon of mass destruction, but he's never met NeNe before. Bitch bombs him before he can even get a sentence out.

Michael tries to make a few fat jokes, but the message barely gets to NeNe's ears since she's too busy blasting him. It doesn't take long before Michael's turtle head retreats back into his shell. I was hoping that the Fight Queen of Muni would've drop-kicked him out of the studio.

And if you press your ear to your window, you can still hear NeNe shouting "TOXIC PARROT" all the way from L.A.

Note: Yes, I know her ass is saying "parent," but it's much more entertaining and fitting if you pretend she's saying "parrot."

I understand if you have to excuse yourself from this post so that you can run to the nearest church where you will dip your face in holy water and fill your eye holes with crushed up communion wafers. This picture will have some of you grabbing for the cross. Moving on....

Yesterday, there were a rumor going around that LiLo and Balthazar Getty got it on a club in Hollywood. Blohan has taken that rumor, boiled it up, spread it on a flat surface, chopped it and snorted it up her nose hole! She claims it is all sorts of false. She told Gossip Cop that she only met Balthazar Getty for the first time that night. She also added, “You think I would do that to Sam [Ronson]? I love her.”

Blohan probably doesn't remember what happened 10 seconds ago, let alone what happened this past weekend, so the moment could have already been expelled from her brain. As it should have.

And how is she supposed to keep track of all the people (or things) she makes out with? I think she just sticks her tongue down any open hole from a bathroom drain to Balthazar Getty's mouth (they taste the same).

And Donatella Versace was born minutes after LiLo. Ugh. When you're 23-years-old and you make 305-year-old zombie vampire Donatella Versace looks like a newly sprung spring dandelion basking in the morning sun, it's time to retreat to the nearest oxygen tank to take a much-needed NAP! Don't get me wrong, Donatella still looks like she'd eat your brain right out of your skull with a gold-plated spork, but LiLo looks like she'd use your brains to cut her coke with. And do you really want your brains partaking in illegal activities? That was a trick question.

LiLo just needs to start all over again. Maybe when Michelle Duggar finishes birthing her ten millionth baby, she'll let LiLo crawl up in her womb and get some nourishment.

Here's more of LiLo and Donatella trading diet, tanning, beauty and drug tips at the Whitney Museum's Gala in NYC last night. Yeah, two creatures who look like they escaped from an exhibit at the Natural History Museum partying it up at the Whitney. WILD!

While some of you slut whores were doing ho shit over the weekend, a brand new type of venereal disease was birthed in Hollywood when Balthazar Getty and Blohan dry fucked each other at a club. Yeah, I think your genitals grew a puss-filled wart just from thinking about it. See you at the free clinic.

People says that Blohan showed up to West Hollywood club Voyeur with the still married Balthazar at her side. Some source said the two snuck in through the club's backdoor (hopefully, the backdoor was covered with a dental dam) and only stayed for 30-minutes. During that time, they were "all over each other" at a table in the front room.

Okay, before you start farting about how Blohan is licking up Sienna Miller's sloppy seconds, think about it for a minute. Sienna Miller is a cock connoisseur, so Blohan figured Balthazar must give good dick. And for her big return to the peen, Blohan wanted to make sure she got on a dick that would make her pork loaf simmer.

And if you see a weepy dick and tortured vagina hitchhiking along the highway, they belong to Balthazar and Blohan. They're trying to get away again. Put on your masks and wave to them from afar.

Lindsay Lohan actually peeled herself off the floor before noon this morning (she probably never went to bed) to appear before a judge in Beverly Hills. Blohan was summoned there after the judge learned she might have fucked up her probation by not showing up to an alcohol education class she was supposed to complete. In case you care, she pleaded no contest to two DUIs a little while ago.

Since she didn't complete the terms of her probation, the judge could have stuck her in a jail cell, but instead decided to give her another chance even though she was 90 minutes late to the hearing. People says that the judge extended her probation for another year so that she could finally complete Booze Ed 101. The judge said she's "rooting for" Blohan and hopes she can do what she's supposed to do.

It's a good thing she's Lindsay Lohan, and not one of us. Because if this one of us, we'd be biting on a bar of soap right now while getting tag-teamed in the prison community shower stall. Actually, that sounds like one of my recurring dreams. If I was her, I'd go with that option as long as they gave me plenty of double-layer condoms, lube and Visine to get the red out of my asshole.

While Michael Lohan continues to run his mouth about the so-called intervention he's going to stage for Blohan, she will be in front of a judge tomorrow morning. TMZ says that the judge in her DUI case was told that she got a giant FAIL in her booze education course, so he's summoned her to face his wrath. Unfortunately, the course's final exam didn't including downing a dozen Red Bull & Vodkas in 3-minutes flat without leaving a drop. If that was the case, she would've been best in class.

The judge will determine if Blohan violated her probation by flunking the booze program. If he does, he could send her off to the chokey.

You know, maybe jail wouldn't be such a bad thing for this one. I mean, it would prove the haters who say she can't even get arrested in Hollywood WRONG. Also, there's plenty of available butch snatch in jail and I'm sure they know how to make strong cocktails out of mouthwash, prison fruit and panty crust.

Blohan's first collection as "artistic adviser" of Ungaro failed to impress fashions critics (and everyone else). Basically, don't be surprised if you see that shit collecting moth balls in the clearance section at Marshalls. Well, since she IS a Lohan after all, she has taken zero responsibility for the epic fail, and is blaming others.

In a short interview (thanks to the Adderrall she can't sit still for more than 25 seconds) with People, she blamed the shit bomb on “coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection.”

And as for those Dlisted-approved nipple pasties, Blohan said she had nothing to do with those, “I wasn’t aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out. I am going back to Paris for the next collection….I am learning. It’s already in January. I thought it was in March."

That's funny, because I thought the only thing that came from the mind of a Lohan was those nipple pasties.

I'm sure Blohan found enough time to do three whole lines, so that whole "I came in late" excuse isn't going to fly. Bitch should ring up Michael Lohan and ask him to dig in his ass for another excuse. Or she should've just said that she pulled the entire collection out of her pant pocket. And yes, the pants don't belong to her. GIRL BYE!

Here's Blohan shopping her sorrows away in NYC yesterday.