Lindsay Lohan

Michael Lohan has already burped about how he's going to stage an intervention for LiLo, because she's gobbling up pills like a late 80s popstar who was recently sent to the back of the unemployment line. Well, now Michael is saying he knows exactly who LiLo's bad shit supplier is and he's going to git him.......as soon as he finishes yapping for dollars.

Michael, who thinks he's a regular Detective La Toya (AS IF), told Radar, “This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over. Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA.”

Since Michael was keeping his meter warm, Radar wanted to know his thoughts on White Oprah's comments about how LiLo never talks to him. Michael said, “I feel really bad that Dina would have to stoop to that level and say those things. I really think she is a beautiful person. If I was estranged from Lindsay, why is it that before she went away to Japan, when she was robbed, that she called me and I was the one who flew out there, who worked with the police, and who stayed with her?”

Michael Lohan is the worst. THE WORST (next to White Oprah). No wonder his entire family has the crazies running through their veins. If you had Michael Lohan barking at you, you would be pouring fake tan grease into your ear to deafen the sound.

And when Michael Lohan catches up to LiLo's pusher, he should ask him for something strong that will make his lips go numb PERMANENTLY.

SamRo has basically closed her eyes, ears, fingers and mouth to Lindsay Lohan, so what's a pill-pooping (typo and it stays) crazy to do? LiLo had no choice but to hop on her Twitter to cry about how SamRo's family is pussy-blocking her and stealing her shine. Or something.

Lilo, who is a graduate of Courtney Love's School of Incoherent Tweets, needs to stop freebasing an entire bottle of NyQuil while Tweeting. I mean, calling SamRo "brilliant"? My 6-year-old cousin will go to sleep with a smile tonight when I tell him that the ho from Herbie: Fully Loaded thinks he's brilliant, because he also knows how to make a playlist on iTunes.

You know what LiLo needs in her life?! Yes, she needs a mother whose idea of breakfast isn't a bowl of Adderall and Red Bull. But she also needs a party-crashing deer in her life. Seriously, look at this party-crashing deer from Michigan:

Every time LiLo tries to take her crack antics to Twitter, a deer needs to jump into the room to stop her. SIGN HER OFF, party-crashing deer!

The last time we left Michael Lohan, he was burping about how his daughter is HONGRAY for prescription pills and how he plans to save her. Well, Michael Lohan is still at the same place we last left him: shouting all sorts of shit to Radar.

This time around, Michael is yammering about how he plans to stage an intervention (Candy Finnigan just queefed, burped and farted at the same time) to save his daughter from the evil doers who keep giving her the bad shit. Don't ask me how Radar can understand a word he says seeing as though his head is shoved up his ass. Maybe the words somehow make their way out of his peen hole? Who knows.

Michael said, “I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way. But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing. When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her. If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

The intervention will be held at Mulcahy's Pub on Long Island. You can buy tickets at the door for $5. It's BYOA (bring your own Adderrall). White Oprah will open the intervention by strutting around the stage in shoes from her new shoe line "SHOE-HAN." I'm not making the last part up.

Below are pictures from a press conference for White Oprah's new collection of shoes. It's really called "SHOE-HAN." The shoes will be sold at Big Lots, stoop sales, swap meets and lesser known back alley pharmacies beginning next year. They are perfect for crushing your pills down into dust and for kicking your 15-year-old daughter out to work the ho stroll.

In the third thumbnail, I think she's telling the two people there (including Nana Lohan) how big she likes her bottles of Vicodin to be. At first I thought she was telling us how much dignity she has, but we all know her fingers would be much closer together if that was the case.

According to Michael Lohan, his daughter Blohan is in a bad way and is on the path to complete destruction. Instead of tying her to bed and getting Daddy Spears to perform an exorcism on her (using cheese grits), Michael ran off to Radar.

Michael said that right after he's done making money off of her by barfing all the details of her problems to the media, he's going to help her. Michael queefed, "I'm going to get her off the prescription drugs that she's on. I hate it when people talk about illegal drug abuse... because it's not just drinking and illegal drugs that kill you. Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson."

Michael wouldn't say what kind of pills she's addicted to, but went on to say that they are ruining her life, "You know why Lindsay's not acting in feature films right now? Because she can't. Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that's grown because of the prescription drugs. She can't be herself. When you hug her she's like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way-in a bad way. She's a different person. I was out there for a week when she was living at the Sunset Marquis Hotel and I would sit there and cry. It was horrible. This was not the kid I raised. Whoever the people are that came into her life and convinced her otherwise should be thrown in jail, because they're the same type of people who are responsible for the deaths of Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson and DJ AM. Everything was fine in our family until Dina and I got divorce. And that's when all the kids' lives started to unravel... including Lindsay's."

Michael Lohan is a true poet. Now I can understand why LiLo's eating pharmacies whole, because just reading his words makes me want to feed from one of Paula Abdul's nipples.

And the biggest fungus in her life goes by the scientific name of Michael Lohan. You heard the man, throw his ass in jail!

While Michael was singing and dancing to Radar, his daughter was in Paris partying it up with Busta Rhymes.

Karl Lagerfeld and Donatella Versace have nothing to worry about, because it looks like they are still the top constipated zombies in fashion. Blohan's debut collection for Ungaro failed to make some of the critics jizz in their chonies. Blohan didn't actually design any of this shit, she was merely the "artistic adviser." I'm guessing it means she was in charge of cutting the lines and making sure the cokepants could at least store a gram.

WWD called the collection, designed by Estrella Archs, a complete "embarrassment." They also said, "As for the clothes, they looked cheesy and dated, as has often been the case during chez Ungaro’s post-Emanuel revolving door of designers. Hot pink, orange and flashy, with an overworked heart motif relentless in its execution, the collection displayed none of the promised younger side Lohan was supposed to deliver. Nor in a million years would one guess that the lineup was designed by one young woman and 'creative directed' by another. Glitter heart pasties all around, ladies? For Lohan, she’ll weather the criticism, hardly her first or her juiciest, and move on when her contract allows. But Archs has her work cut out for her. Backstage after the show, she said the collection 'had to be designed very quickly.' Perhaps that was the problem. This storied house has been in disarray for years, and though Archs’ debut provided no indication that she’s up to the challenge, she should be given the chance to find out without a younger, non-skilled judge with theoretical veto power hovering about."

You know, I actually like these whore clothes, because it looks like it was something that came out of the vagina of the 1980s. I mean, if a grown-up Rainbow Bright fell on hard times and had to peddle her wares on the ho stroll, she'd wear this shit for sure. Give me pasties, bare titties, almost exposed crotch areas and I'm happeh!

As for Blohan's face/lips situation, there's really nothing more to say. Blohan is making Courtney Love look like a pure teardrop from the eye of a virgin angel. Just hit Ctrl+Alt+BITCHLOOKSBEAT.

And GOODNIGHT! This picture of Lindsay Lohan out in Paris last night can be used for a variety of purposes. If you've got a problem with critters digging up your garden, simply place this picture near your plants and they will never ever return again. In fact, they might suffer cardiac arrest, so you'll have meat for dinner! And if your kids have been messing with the wrong stuff, just show them this picture and they will immediately check themselves into the nearest nunnery. Shit, I don't even have a booze problem (fuck the first step) and this picture might force me to go to rehab and devote my life to Jesus. SCARED STRAIGHT! JUST PLAIN SCARED!

But on a serious note, I feel for SamRo. The poor thing's crotch area is probably cold, because her labia lips have been stuck to HoHan's face for the past few weeks. That's very selfish of HoHan.

Speaking of disturbing fuckery, here's 15-year-old Ali Lohan looking like she just slipped out of the exhaust pipe on the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, at least she's appropriately dressed to work the ho stroll now. Why isn't White Oprah in jail?

The 18-year-old dude who was arrested for allegedly robbing Blohan's house of broken mirrors might have been more than just some stranger who thieved her ass. According to TMZ, Nick Prugo was seen hanging around with Blo on the set of her direct-to-basic-cable-TV extravaganza Labor Pains.

One witness who worked on the shit show said Nick visited Blohan around 10 times. It's not known whether or not Nick has ever been to Blo's house. But I think it's safe to say he has since I think every coochie connoisseur in the Greatest Los Angeles area has been invited back to her house at one point or another.

And in a little piece of info that is totally unrelated to this situation (it's totally related to this situation), TMZ says that Nick was arrested for coke possession last year. SANTO DIOS!

This brings me to this blind time CDAN posted late last month:

"This blind item is going to be phrased as a piece of advice. If you pay your drug dealer on time he won't break into your house and take your things. Just saying."

It doesn't take an investigative genius like Detective La Toya to figure this one out. Actually, it might. Get Det. La Toya in here! We need answers before we can keep fucking that chicken!

And you better have a spatula handy to peel yourself off the floor with, because he's a shocker. The someone arrested was not Blohan herself! Dun! Dun! Dun! The plot thins.

People reports that 18-year-old Nick Prugo was busted yesterday morning for allegedly breaking into the homes of Blohan and Ceiling Eyes. Nick was charged with felony burglary and is currently cooling his nalgas in a jail cell on $20,000 bail. This isn't Nick's first time at the butt rape party. Nick was arrested last month and he was also convicted on September 4th for possessing a narcotic controlled substance.

White Oprah, who will never miss an opportunity to mouth queef to the media, immediately said this about Nick's arrest: "Yes, we have found him, God is good." God responded by saying, "White Oprah is bad."

I'm still having a hard time believing that Sticky Snatch Lohan isn't somehow involved in this herself. I mean, was that missing joo-ree from the Elle photo shoot ever recovered? Detectives should poke at Blohan's bloated face lips, because I wouldn't be surprised if that's where she's hiding the goods. Once they search her lips, they also might find her dignity and Ali Lohan's youth stashed in there.

(Warning: clear your throat before you read the first part) 15-year-old Ali Lohan isn't enrolled in regular school, because she's a full-time student at UCWB (University of Crack Whore Behavior). UCWB's Dean of Famehowhoring, Professor Blohan, has taken little Ali under her raggedy wing to mentor her in what's really important in life: PARTYING.

Life & Style reports that since White Oprah is mostly passed out in the lap of some trucker she picked up the night before, Blohan has been taking care of her younger sister. The two have been doing regular sister bonding activities like smoking and boozing club until dawn. I'm not being sarcastic, that really is a good way for sisters to bond. Hell, it's a good way for everyone to bond. Seriously, if your dog is giving you the silent treatment and throwing you shade, just take that bitch to the local club. By the end of the night, you'll be the second coming of Turner & Hooch!

One witness who was at L.A.'s Crown bar when Blohan and her apprentice were there said, “Lindsay didn’t coddle her or anything. They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her." And another nosy bitch added, “Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around.”

When Life & Style asked Michael Lohan about this, he didn't seem to be worried, “I’m glad Lindsay and Ali remain so close." Yes, Ali Lohan yacking up Alize in a urinal while Blohan kicks at her to hurry up really is a touching picture of sisterly love. Again, I'm not being sarcastic.

And before you start wondering how Ali is getting into these clubs, take a good look at her. Would you card a face like that? Exactly.

Here's the greatest older sister in the world (once again, not sarcasm) heading straight for the gutter in NYC last night.

Before LiLo was a cracked out piece of beef jerky who is more famous for bringing the fuckery than her acting career, she was just a girl in junior high school who always dreamed of being in the tabloids. Yes, this is me gently tapping your asshole with the "DUH FUCKING DUH" stick.

In an interview with Access Hollywood, LiLo says that she's fine with the media sniffing on her ass lips (smells like wet cigarettes, creamed corn and generic collagen) and all the time, because it's what she's always wanted. She said, “Everyone goes through tough times and the second that I decided I wanted to be in front of the camera … I think I’ve always kind of aspired to be like Britney Spears in the tabloids when I was in middle school. It’s kind of something you sign up for in the beginning and if you really want it, you know that comes with it."

See, dreams really do come true! We should tell little girls everywhere that if they want to grow up to be famewhores, they can easily do it with just a few sniffs of the bad shit and a few flashes of their chocharonies. If LiLo can achieve it, anybody can!

Here's LiLo stripping on the streets of SoHo yesterday afternoon.