Lindsay Lohan

Last year, stupid ass LiLo posted her private cell phone number on her Facebook page. It didn't take long for someone to hack into her voicemail. And it didn't take the brain power of MacGyver to do it since LiLo's voicemail password was "1234." These crackheads, I can't.....

Animal New York posted a few of the voicemails left in LiLo's inbox and most of them are sad/pathetic/depressing/etc. Although, the second message sounds like one my mom would leave me after she had too many glasses of Chardonnay.

Most of the messages are from drunk crazies rambling on about whatever, but the most pathetic comes courtesy of her daddy Michael Lohan. Of course! Michael cries about how he wants to visit The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, but she doesn't want him to come. In a second message, Michael tells LiLo that he bought her CD at 7-11 (BURN!!!) and thinks it's so beautiful. Then he holds the phone up to his stereo so she could hear him listening to her song. Unfortunately, the next sound we DON'T hear is his car careening off the road and over a cliff. If my dad left me messages like that, I'd probably eat crackhouses whole too.

While some of you are still sleeping and the rest of us are trying to wake the hell up by pinching our nipples and snorting coffee beans whole, Blohan is Tweeting. Or should I say she's freebase Tweeting. Whenever I write about celebwhores fighting on Twitter, I feel like I'm taking us all back to the cafeteria. This shit is just like junior high. Well, if we all went to junior high school in a crackhouse.

It seems that Blohan's crotch is burning up for a different reason this morning. I'm not completely fluent in Crackanese just yet, so I'm not sure what the hell she's trying to say. Can Courtney Love translate?

Basically, SamRo is a cheat, error-maker and "self-out" who thinks Blohan is gross and ruins "ANYTHI." Did I get that part right, at least? And who is SUBSTANISAN?! Is he hot? Really, I don't even know, but this shit is entertaining.

Here's Blohan leaving Waverly Inn last night just a few hours before she gave us "soooooo much insight" on Twitter this morning.

White Oprah is celebrating this morning because she can finally make another layaway payment to her back alley pharmacist now that her personal ATM machine got another job! WWD has announced that after months of rumors fake tan and leggins designer, LiLo, is officially the “artistic adviser” at Ungaro. Lilo and the new chief designer, Estrella Archs, will debut the fashion house's new collection in Paris on October 4th. And I'm guessing that by November 4th, Ungaro will be sold exclusively at a TJ Maxx clearance bin near you!

LiLo said she plans to make Ungaro "younger." She went on to snort, “When I’m involved in a project, I give my all to it. I feel like there’s a correlation between everything I do, whether it’s pop music or film. I’ve always played a big part in what I wear, the costumes. Clothing is something that’s so expressive in so many ways. It really interests me. To be in a position where I’m working with a fashion house in Paris sets it apart from every other celebrity brand.”

So I'm guessing we'll see a lot of leggings with hidden pockets for your stash, shorty dresses that make it easier to flash your meat box to the paparazzi and pieces made from "recycled materials" (aka shit LiLo stole). And you know Ungaro only hired her ass because they wanted an in-house dealer. I can't hate them for that.

Here's the next Coco Chanel (may lightning strike me) trolling around NYC with White Oprah yesterday.

Blohan is making all her dealers bawl like Michelle Duggar's uterus by wearing this "Just Say No To Drugs" t-shirt. They shouldn't head down to the unemployment office just yet! It's just 23-year-old (HA and HA) Blohan celebrating Halloween early! Or maybe it's Liar's Day in her world.

And Blohan should also say no to tan grease.....and collagen....and peroxide....and White Oprah.

AKM via TMZ

Whenever HoHan calls the casting directors at True Blood, they probably cackle until the connection goes out. So HoHan has been forced to audition on Twitter. Yes, it's come to this. HoHan, who has already admitted that she's a major True Blood fanwhore, posted these pictures of her as a vampire on her Twitter. Nice try, bitch. If the show was called True Cokeywhore, then she'd get the starring role, but unfortunately it's not. The only way I could appreciate her Hot Topic-approved vampire look is if we were at a goth rave and I had a pill up the butt.

And here's a few pictures of Jason Segel busting buttons (LITERALLY) while arriving at the Chateau Marmont last night. Apparently, that's HoHan in the backseat of the SUV with him. They were partying all night together. And that's how she's going to get on How I Met Your Mother. Do who you gotta do, HoHan!

If you're ever in the company of LiLo, you better protect any valuable joo-ree you're wearing with The Club, or else you might not ever see it again! Radar Online is reporting that XIV Karats is getting ready to take legal action against Blohan, because she hasn't returned $2 million dollars worth of jewels she borrowed from them over two months ago.

XIV Karats kept getting on Blohan's ass to return their shit and she finally said that she didn't have it anymore, because someone snatched it from her safe. We knew this was coming. The source said, "Lindsay claimed that they had been stolen from her safe. They've disappeared. XIV are not happy about it. The jewels were in Lindsay's care and they were only on a loaner, they were expected to be returned. If something is not resolved soon there will be legal action taken."

Michael Lohan, Blohan's unofficial spokesbitch, defended his daughter by saying, "Lindsay didn't take anything from them. They lent her jewelry and she has to give it back to them. That's all I know. She has no intention of keeping any of it. So I guess they're sorting it out."

More like, "She's snorting it up."

XIV Karats needs more internet in their life, so that they could've known about Blohan's thieving ways beforehand. At this point, even Claire's won't loan her shit.

Here's White Oprah's child leaving Bardot in Hollywood looking like a freshly bloomed daffodil covered in spring dew drops.

Over the weekend, Blohan's Casa de Crackie was broken into and thieves snatched a safe as well as some other crap. Michael Lohan put on his obvious cap and said he believes it was an inside job. Michael plans to get to the bottom of it! Don't worry, Detective La Toya isn't going to waste her stellar investigative skills on this case. It's way too obvious for her.

Yesterday, Blohan co-signed her father's claim on Twatter: "that's how i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren't taken... just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me."

The Chicago Sun-Times says that some of those things that "meant a lot" to her include "very incriminating videos and photos." A source added that Blohan will be all sorts of embarrassed if any of it got out. FOR WHY THE EFF WHY?! We've already seen (don't click on this) Blohan's carniceria in all its gory, so there's not much else that can embarrass her even more.

On second thought, maybe they stole the director's cut of Labor Pains. If that's the case, then I'm scared too.

For the second time in three months, LiLo's Casa de Cokey has been broken into by a bunch of thieves! When she got home from NYC this morning, she found out that some hos had ripped the safe out of the wall and stolen a bunch of watches. Apparently, it was all caught on surveillance video.

LiLo did the first thing you do when you've been robbed, she called Michael Lohan. Probably because she figured his ass did it.

Michael called 911 and then he called TMZ (of course). Michael said he believes it's an inside job, because Blohan's assistants conveniently forgot to turn the security system on. Then Michael said something that proves he's either: a) still on the bad shit b) got the crazies in a serious way c) is just trying to get his daughter to pay his car note or d) all of the above. This is what Michael said, "I am not going to put up with individuals violating my family. Lindsay is a charitable, generous person that always gives. This is a personal violation and it has got to stop." The answer is "D," right?

If by "charitable and generous," he means that she sometimes let's her friends snort a third of her line, then okay. The Saintress of 8 Balls is Lindsay Lohan.

Michael Lohan wasn't the only one who was going to get a little attention from his daughter getting robbed. Nope, White Oprah put on her shiniest shoes and tap danced over to People to sing her statement about the whole thing. White Oprah queefed, "Ali and Linds just left me in New York, and left people in charge to pack, as we are moving her to a safer place. She is okay, but upset."

LiLo needs to find a different surface to do her bad shit off of, because breaking dozens of mirrors has given her centuries of bad luck! But seriously, whoever broke in was probably just stealing their shit back from her.

Future Mexican citizen LiLo was buying some ice at a deli in NYC when she accidentally left her BlackBerry on the counter. No, not the kind of ice you stick in a pipe and smoke up. Surprisingly, it was actual ice. Maybe she likes to cool her 8-ball before she digs in? I mean, it is summer. Anyway...

E! Online says that Blohan left the deli and was inside of a cab when the worker ran out to check to see if she left her phone on the counter. When she said yes, the deli worker wanted to make sure it was hers, so he asked her to verify her number. Blohan wasn't playing that shit, so she tried to snatch it out of his hands. Bitch wasn't quick enough and wasn't able to get the phone out of his hands. HA! You lose at phone snatchin', Blohan!

That's when she decided that the cops should get involved and she called 911. When the cops arrived, they immediately busted Blohan for meth possession. Their evidence? Her face. No, after they finished doing the eye roll mambo, they checked the phone, verified it was hers and gave it back.

The best part of this story is what the deli guy had to say. Dude is a comedian and he doesn't even know it: "I was just trying to be honest. Now I have police and trouble already. Who is she? Is she a star?" Survey says? NOOOOOOO.

Image: Fame Pictures

When I downloaded these pictures of White Oprah Sr. in NYC yesterday, my laptop immediately crashed. It knew that there was really nothing more to say about this mess. I mean, not only is LiLo standing in front of a gay bar I once got kicked out of for giving a handjob to some dude wearing a toupee (it was a dark time in my life), but she still looks like a Southeastern lot lizard circa 1987. AND let's not get into the power bottom ass lips on her face or her glittermeister friend's Jackie Collins-approved bedroom slippers. Let's do it like my laptop and shut it all down!