Lindsay Lohan

It's been over 48 hours since I've seen pictures of LiLo, so I figured she was actually working a job or something. LiLo was spending time in Austin, TX recently to shoot that Machete movie with Robert Rodriguez, but she managed to hitch a ride on the back of a Greyhound bus bound for NYC to attend last night's Inglourious Basterds screening and after-party.

She really does look like she's been hanging on to the back of a bus for a few hours. Girl is covered in soot (or "SevinNyne" in Lohan-talk).

In her defense, she only looks like a greasy piece of orange chicken from Panda Express in the above picture, so maybe it was just the lighting that made her look extra diarrhealicious? I know, I'm just trying to throw her a bone. A bone for a bag of bones (GONG!).

HoHan is making Ali look like this on purpose, so she looks younger, right? Because no 15-year-old should look like a divorced mother of two (circa 1976) coming home after working a 12-hour shift as a cocktail waitress at HoJo's. This girl needs an abuelita in her life to wipe that make-up off with Vaseline before putting her ass to bed.

But on a positive note, at least she's not bumping it against stripper pole....in public.....yet (SPOILER ALERT: That will happen next year).

After SamRo finished having lunch with some of her friends yesterday, she shuffled on over to the parking and who did she run into?! Why it was none-other-than Stalker McStalky herself, HoHan!

Yup, she was just happened to be sitting in her car with The Police's "Every Breath You Take" blasting from her stereo, a pair of binoculars lying in her lap, a wig on her head, a pair of sunglasses on her face and a trench coat over her shoulders. Oh, you know HoHan just likes to spend her afternoons sitting in random parking lots for fun.

The two exchanged a few words and then SamRo rushed off to the nearest police station/tattoo parlor to get a restraining order permanently inked on her forehead. And later in the day, HoHan knew some shit was up so she busted into LAX with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and the two got out of town! The end.

Clippers shook in fear, pink wigs weeped for their future and every crazy house in the L.A. area braced themselves for a CODE CHEETO after this picture of Brit Brit and HoHan was taken the other night. We all know what happened the last time these two got together. Although, Parasite Hilton was added to the mix the last time, so maybe she's the key ingredient (herp juice and wonk eye booger) to make things go BOOM. Keep her away at all costs (tip: just keep her busy by asking her to name all her crotch crabs) or it really may be the end for all us.

And Brit Brit should pose with HoHan more often, because she actually looks like a semi-sane and healthy individual next to her. For real. HoHan is looking like Donatella Versace's fried and malnourished clitoris.

VIA Rolling-Blackouts.com

HoHan got herself a new fried peroxide mop of straw and she also got herself a new job that pays actual money! Yes, her dealer doesn't have to report her to the collection agency of his choice, because it looks like that bill is going to get paid!

And this job doesn't involve making milkshakes or hawking tan phlegm. No, HoHan landed a role in Robert Rodriguez's next movie Machete. She Twattered the news yesterday. Hopefully for her, this one isn't going to premiere on a Saturday at 2am on Public Access or go directly to a Dollar Tree discount bin.

The movie starts filming in Austin in 2 weeks. According to IMDB, this is the plot:

"Federale Machete is hired by some unsavory types to assassinate a senator. But just as he's about to take the shot, he notices someone aiming at him and realizes he's been set up. He barely survives the sniper's bullet, and is soon out for revenge on his former employers, with the reluctant assistance of his old friend, who has become a priest and taken a vow of nonviolence. If you hire him to take out the bad guys, make sure the bad guys aren't you!"

This shit also stars Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. Robert DeNiro, Jonah Hill and Steven Seagal are still in talks to take a role. And yes, Michelle Rodriguez and HoHan on the same film set. Austin is going to run out of the bad shit and someone's vagina lip is going to get torn in a freak coochie bumping accident. It's inevitable.

Here's HoHan trolling around yesterday and also some pictures of her and SamRo being trash outside of 7-Eleven on Thursday. HoHan says that she went back to blonde for the movie role. So I'm guessing she's playing White Oprah in this shit?

Crank up the Alanis Morrissette, because there's something funny about White Oprah's favorite piggy bank, who weighs as much as a semi-wet stamp, making a signature milkshake at Millions of Milkshakes last night. Heh.

Now if this is an HONEST HoHan milkshake special (ingredients: Red Bull, crushed fentanyl pops, fake tan grease for color, a Slim Fast bar and dirty meth pop water - HOLD THE DIGNITY), then I'll order three cases! However, if HoHan is fakin' it by making a milkshake with ice cream and other ingredients that count as real food items, then order her a lifetime supply (send the bill to White Oprah's accountant aka The Curious Case of Ali Lohan).

And if you walk by Millions of Milkshakes today and see a giant FAIL MINUS sign from the health department in the window, you now know why.

On Monday morning, the sidewalk outside of SamRo's house was covered with tan grease-stained leggings, because those two had another fight which ended in HoHan's shit getting chucked out of a window. The sidewalk was also covered with alley cats carrying forks, because when SamRo threw HoHan's panties out, they thought the buffet was open for business.

The fight all started after SamRo came home from a night out with Drea De Matteo (who kind of looks like something that came out of White Oprah's snatch). The Daily Mail says that HoHan showed up at SamRo's front door, demanded to be let in and the two had another lezzie brawl of words. HoHan called her partner in pussy a "liar," which was SamRo's cue to throw all her crap out the window. HoHan had to run out and collect all her clothes before taking off.

Throwing clothes onto the street? Really, Samro? I thought her ass was smarter than that. That's not how you hurt or punish HoHan! SamRo should've just sat HoHan down and made her watch all of Labor Pains without commercials. Now that's real torture.

It looks like somebody woke up on the right side of the bathroom floor....where they passed out the previous night after having a liiiiiiiittle too much of the wrong stuff. HoHan usually growls and bites at the paps, but she had the smiles outside of her house yesterday. Homegirl was up to something! She came armed and wasn't afraid to shoot.

The pappies totally thought she was cooling their asses off when she squirted at them, but she had the big laugh when they realized the "water" was actually recycled snatch syrup. HoHan got 'em good!

SANTO DIOS! Were the bitches at Vogue España sniffing a little "Blohan Special" while they put this cover together and proclaimed her as the nueva Marilyn Monroe?! More like NEVAH Marilyn. Zing?

You can't just throw a kitchen blonde wig on and go skipping around singing that you're the new Marilyn. Trust me, I learned the hard way a few Halloweens back when some mean ass tranny threw a Long Island Iced Tea at me for doing just that. Someone needs to throw a fucking Long Island Iced Tea at this trick! Bitches need to stop trying to make "HoHan as Marilyn Monroe" happen. Let's not do Marilyn like that.

HoHan looks more like Vadge after getting stretched ala Gumby and run through the Photoshop grinder a few times.

This is a trailer (SFW) for Hustler's porn parody of HoHan's life. In some circles, this would be consider "making it." The porn-version SamRo is even in this, but the ho playing her isn't even trying! Bitch didn't bleach her hair or flash one of SamRo's signature "I'm holding a queef" smirks. If you're going to play SamRo, commit! Chick needs to hang out with Christian Bale.

And I wonder why Hustler didn't try to get White Oprah to make a cameo? She would've done it for 2 drink tickets to TGI Friday's.

VIA Gawker