Lindsay Lohan

White Oprah's personal Adderall dispensing machine just can't catch a break when it comes to movie stuff. I don't think HoHan's had a mildly successful hit since that Herbie shit and I think that the fat talking car gets most of the credit for that. HoHan's latest movie Labor Pains didn't even go directly to DVD, that shit show went to basic cable! And it didn't have to be like this, because she could've had a major hit on her greasy crack-stained hands!

UsWeekly says that Todd Phillips, director of The Hangover, threw one of the lead roles in HoHan's lap and asked her to snatch it up, but she shut it down. Some source said that she "didn't like the script!" The role went to Heather Graham. The movie went on to make $205 million so far. And HoHan, well, she's gone to stalk her partner in pussy in London, allegedly steal a recipe for liquid tan doody and become one of Twitter's most prolific prophets (next to Kathy Ireland, of course).

HoHan isn't in a position to turn down half of a Quiznos sub, let alone a movie role! To think, HoHan could've been the one looking like the epitome of sophistication in "the slut" dress at the Dublin premiere of The Hangover. She should be slapping herself in the cooze bone for that reason alone!

When HoHan launched her Dirty Sanchez cream Sevin Nyne, she claimed it took her three years to perfect the formula with her business partner Lorit Simon. Well, a bitch in St. Petersburg, FL is calling HoHan a lie-teller and a thief, because she says she's the one who came up with that shit.

The St. Petersburg Times says that chemist Jennifer Sunday filed a lawsuit against HoHan and Lorit Simon in a Tampa federal court for breach of contract, theft of trade secrets, civil conspiracy, intentional interference with contractual relations and deceptive and unfair trade practices.

Jennifer says she was working on the spray-tan with Lorit Simon back in January, but they couldn't agree on pricing. Next thing Jennifer knew, Lori was out whoring her creation with HoHan. Jennifer went on to say that the ingredients are exactly the same. Jennifer wants a cut of the profits.

Sevin Nyne launched a couple of months ago and is currently being sold for $35 a pop at Sephora.

Any whore who has ever barfed out pizza grease through their asshole (Alli users, I'm looking at you) can also sue this bitch. Seriously, I tested that crap on my hand once and it looked like butt sex gravy.

I kind of hope this goes to trial, just so we can all witness HoHan's performance on the stand. You know she's going to shout, "I found the recipe in my friend's coke pants!"

Yesterday was the day we were all reminded that HoHan is not a 45-year-old truck stop vagina vendor, but actually a 23-year-old girl. Twenty-three never looked so fresh and pure. Happy Birfdays, eh? HoHan took advantage of the day by dragging the object of her stalking, SamRo, to lunch in Malibu.

You know this shit was a special occasion, because they actually ate food stuff. And you know SamRo also did the eyeroll mambo while eating HoHan's chocha asada a little later. She had to. It was HoHan's BIRFDAY. You have to bust one your birthday. Just ask this trick.

Usually, you only see pristine creatures like this roaming the side streets of Panama City Beach, FL picking up discarded cigarette butts in the gutter while looking for a peen to blow. But Las Vegas got a treat (and a trick) when HoHan showed up to the MGM Grand looking like she had just been released by the PCB PD after spending the night on a concrete bed.

HoHan was there to celebrate her (brace yourself....hold on to something....seriously) TWENTY-THIRD BIRTHDAY. Bitch looks more like a 40-something seasoned hooker celebrating her 23rd year on the ho stroll.

When I first saw this picture of HoHan, I immediately got flashes of this hot bitch:

Although, I don't think HoHan's swollen belly is due to a human baby friend. Well, she could be pregnant with an 8-ball, but I just think it's a case of good old desperation bloat. Getting her picture in a tabloid magazine this week will ease that shit.

White Oprah finally pried herself off of the bathroom room floor of some random club to cough up another important statement (smells like coke loogies and Long Island Iced Tea barf) for the media regarding her personal ATM. Specifically, White Oprah wanted to address the accusations that HoHan stole a bunch of joo-ree from an Elle Magazine shoot and also about how daughter's cell phone keeps getting hacked. Lay it out, chop it up, separate and snort yourself some of this:

"Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." White Oprah went on to burp that the story about HoHan stealing shit is "defamatory, false and unfair. Elle made a public statement backing Lindsay." And finally, before she passed out again, she said, "Lindsay has been home with me and her family for awhile now, celebrating her little brother [Cody's] confirmation and his 13th birthday."

Haven't you missed White Oprah's words of delusion?! She's like a suppository for the soul. White Oprah's statements make you regular again. I mean, 22-year-old girl? HA! Leave her alone? Double HA! A good Catholic family? Get me up off the floor! White Oprah slays me every time.

Here's the 22-year-old good Catholic girl going to a church called H.Wood in Los Angeles last night.

And here's some news that will make your vagina burp. HoHan and SamRo have quit the love. You probably forgot due to a little condition called IDONTGIVEAFUCK-itis, but the 'gina bumpers got back together last month after breaking up in April. Now it's over again.

A source-type told E! News that they ended things last night after a fight about Nicole Richie...among other things. Apparently, Nicole Richie dry heaves every time HoHan is around. Nicole invited SamRo to a party last week, but told her not to bring her partner in pussy. The source went on to say, "Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay."

Fittingly enough, after SamRo had words with HoHan, she went to dinner with Nicole. Right after dinner, SamRo dumped HoHan via text message and basically told her to stay out of her life FOREVER.

SamRo is really going to need to do better than that. A mean text message isn't going to keep HoHan from crawling into SamRo's bedroom window in the middle of the night and watching her sleep. If she knows what's good, SamRo will put Quween on the Scene on payroll!

And breaking up by text message doesn't count! It has to be done in person or by order of the court! SamRo should explore the latter option.

Yeah, right. These two drama lezzies will never be over. They will be eating each other's coochie tartare again this time tomorrow.

Holy Moly! was the first ho to report that Scotland Yard wants to have a little chat with LiLo regarding £30,000 worth of missing jewels! I love a good story about jewel thieving! It's kind of glamorous. This is like The Pink Panther! Well....instead of a big pink pussy, we've got a sickly ginge snatch monster with a dose of methface. Okay, maybe not that glamorous.

The jewels were last seen at a photo shoot HoHan did for Elle Magazine in London a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, both Elle and the jeweler have been asking HoHan about the missing gems, but she has yet to respond. They had no choice but to go to the police for help.

TMZ confirms that the bitches at Scotland Yard are investigating the jewel heist, but say the sparklies are actually worth $500,000 and not £30,000. HoHan's spokeswhore had this to say to ET, "No one has contacted us yet, but Lindsay is happy to cooperate. She wants them to find the missing items."

This isn't the first time Klepto-Han has been accused of THIEVING! She kind of stole that one chick's fur coat a while back. A couple of years ago, she reported that a bag of jewels was stolen from her at Heathrow. After police investigated, they found that she had just misplaced the bag.

You know, HoHan would make an excellent jewel snatcher. If this whole "making movies for basic cable" and "stalking dykes" thing doesn't work out, she has a brilliant career ahead of her in thieving. The inside of the bitch's nose is probably twice the size of Tommy Girl's asshole, so she can easily snort those jewels up without anybody noticing.

SPOILER ALERT: They are going to find the jewels in her pants to which she'll respond, "These aren't my pants!"

But seriously, they aren't going to find those jewels. That shit has already been traded on the black market for Red Bull, Marlboros, leggings and a mountain of fresh snow. That will last her a week.

LiLo was bored today, so to kill time in between killing time, she posted this old picture on her Twatter. She took the picture on the set of the best thing she's done EVER: the Fornarina commercial. Since HoHan brought it up, let's relive this magical disaster:

VIA Radar

HoHan and SamRo are partners in pussay again! That's what HoHan claimed on her Twitter anyway. HoHan was in London humming the lyrics to The Police's "Every Step You Take" while following SamRo's every move in a bid to win her back. It worked! SamRo probably got tired of hiding under cars to evade HoHan, so she just gave in.

Before leaving the UK yesterday, Ho Tweeted: "Leaving London but with my favorite favorite!!!-travel buddy&great news to share!! Maybe.... ;)" That smiley face has a wonk eye, because it's drunk like its creator.

The two 'gina bumpers were also seen walking hand-in-hand into the VIP lounge at Heathrow. When they arrived back in Los Angeles, HoHan immediately put on the boots she bought at Brit Brit's yard sale and went on over to SamRo's house.

This is like Fatal Attraction, but with a happy ending for Glenn Close!

A source tells People that for weeks HoHan has been telling friends that all is well with SamRo, "They haven't started fighting yet, but they are back together as far as Lindsay is concerned. Lindsay has been doing so much better and has been giving Sam her space. She is really dedicated to making it work."

In related news, SamRo's family just filed a restraining order against the both of them.

HoHan is over in London, stalking SamRo, snorting up the country's supply of the bad shit and melting down in clubs. Yeah, HoHan is one of those friends who has an emotional breakdown in the middle of a club while you're trying to get your drunk on. Buzz. Kill.

Dean Piper of the Mirror says he witnessed HoHan curl up like a ball on the floor of London's Club Cuckoo. How fitting.

According to Dean, HoHan sat at the table next to him with a vodka drink in hand while mumbling shit like, “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.” It's called a K-hole, honey. Shake it off.

Somebody else who was there added, “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown. She spent much of the night furiously texting Sam Ronson – and wasn’t best pleased about the texts she was getting. Everyone with her was actually very concerned about her. She seemed like a girl on the brink of self- destruction.”

Seemed like a girl on the brink?! How about a girl who is riding first-class on the speed train to self-destruction. White Oprah's got a little conductor hat on and shouting "CHOO CHOO!"

I know we've all screamed about this a million times, but is it really so hard for White Oprah and Michael Lohan to pull their heads out of their own cunts and sort their daughter out. During Christmas one (every) year, I got drunk like a Wino and was acting the fool in the worst kind of way. My mother immediately grabbed my drink, poured it down the sink and told me to go sit in the bath tub until further notice. Why can't White Oprah do that? Send HoHan to the tub!

And here's our little caged bird leaving a business meeting with Emanuel Ungaro in London last night. The leggings and spray tan entrepreneur is expected to be named "creative consultant" of Ungaro.....