Lindsay Lohan

Dr. Drew is yapping about the future of Lindsay Lohan again and this time he's saying that he's afraid she might lose a limb. Just call her Lindsay NoHand (GONG!).

Dr. D told Parade (via NJ.com), "I'm convinced that she'll get sober one day. But I'm afraid that between now and then, she may get a nearly mortal wound of some type. I'm really convinced that something horrible is going to have to happen to her before she really gets over it and embraces sobriety. She needs to give it up. And it's going to be a while before she does. I have this image that she's going to lose a limb or something before she does. And it scares me."

Hoooold up. Why would she lose a limb? Does excessive boozing and bonging cause your arms to fall off? Because if that's the case, half of us here will be typing with our noses in about 10 years. The bars will be filled with amputees drinking beer through a straw. Thankfully, a skilled ho doesn't need arms to suck dick.

And if HoHan does lose a limb, I hope it's the useless one orange one with a raggedy blonde mop that's always hanging on her ass for a dime (bag).

Here's some pictures of HoHan out in London last night. Go ahead and give three cheers for her bodyguard, because he hit her in the face while making their way into a club. You know that was a premeditated bitch slap! He's been planning it for weeks.

When SamRo is walking down the street in London and hears the splappity slap of vagina lips behind her, she better book it because a certain fauxmosexual is coming to git her!

The Daily Mail is saying that HoHan has followed SamRo to London in a bid to win her back (aka to get her to put a little love in her checking out). HoHan apparently scheduled photo shoots and club appearances in London for the same dates SamRo would be in town. SamRo's snatch isn't exactly smiling over the news.

Last night, SamRo and her brother Mark were at Bungalow 8 when HoHan blew in with her friends. It wasn't all hugs and titty rubs, because SamRo busted out of there. Two quick snorts later, HoHan left Bungalo 8 and followed SamRo down the road.

Since parting ways back in April, the two twatty bumpers haven't been photographed together, but HoHan has been seen leaving SamRo's pad in Los Angeles a couple of times. The plot thins yet again!

SamRo is due to be in London for about a week and you better believe HoHan will stay in town for at least that long. Meanwhile, SamRo better sleep with a bar of soap near her bed to ward off the Lohans. They don't get near the stuff.

Michael Lohan is the always the first skeezer to open up his giant mouth hole whenever a member of his family is in the news for whatever reason. But when it involves him, he sticks his rotten radish head back into his ass.

Page Six says that the devout Christian and high preacher of morals was busted by the cops on April 6th, because he allegedly threatened to kill his fiancee Erin Muller and himself after she tried to quit his ass over his the phone.

Yesterday, Michael, Erin and his lawyer showed up to a court in Long Island so that he could answer to the charges. When a reporter from The NY Post approached them, Michael's lawyer shouted "Plan Two" which caused the dick bag to run off. Michael hid in the car with Erin while his lawyer went inside. Yeah, just a few weeks before, Michael was threatening to off the bitch and there she is hiding his ass in the back of a car. Thinking with your brains: Erin is doing it wrong.

If convicted, Michael could go back to the chokey for a year. Sadly, his parole ended back in February.

Well, at least we know that if we ever want Michael to tuck his dick between his ass checks and run off to hide like a puppy during a thunderstorm, we just have to shout, "PLAN TWO." Now if someone could fully potty train his mouth, so he'd quit dropping caca-covered words everywhere. Now that everyone knows, expect a toilet-full from Michael about this incident in 3...2...

HoHan got a job! And the job doesn't involve getting dick slapped on the face on camera! At least, I don't think so. Who knows, that may make the director's cut. Anyway, HoHan has been cast in a real movie that isn't of the porn variety! HoHan giving blow jobs to random dudes who claim they are big-time Hollywood producers has finally paid off. She will star in "The Other Side" with Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette.

Variety says the "indie fantasy comedy" is about "a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before." Does it also involve a polar bear, a cloud of evil smoke, time traveling, moving islands and a baby blue Volkswagen van? This is some Dharma shit right here. "Shit" being the key word. I tell jokes. This sounds almost better than Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. ALMOST.

Shooting will begin this summer on an island off the coast of Massachusetts. My guess is that it will premiere on a random Saturday at midnight on the Sci-Fi Channel. Check your local listings to make sure!

It's a good thing for HoHan that Woody Harrelson is in this cast, because he always bring the good shit. Bitches be stoned the whole time.

Here's the future Oscah winner at LAX yesterday with Granny Ali. You know, those leggings are doing nothing for HoHan's crotch area. Her pussy looks like it's hyperventilating.

Most crackhouses (so I've heard) look like the inside of a dumpster outside of a strip club and HoHan's is no exception! Yesterday, the po po were told to investigate possibly thievery at HoHan's crack den after the security alarm was set off. HoHan was not at home, because she was too busy famewhoring in Paris with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan.

After checking everything out, the police found no signs of a break-in. However, they did find signs of a dirty dirty bitch who is straight-up nasty and doesn't clean up after herself. That's not a look of surprise on your face, right?

Officer Karen Rayner told the Associated Press, "Is it normally like this, or did the intruders do it?" They initially thought it was the work of a burglar, because the place look ransacked. HoHan probably misplaced an 8-ball. You know how those junkies get when they can't find their bad shit. They cut open the mattresses, pull up the floor boards and digs holes in the backyard. They get all crazy. Besides, how can we expect her to Windex shit when the mirrors are always in use?

Here's more pictures of PiggyHan and Ali with fresh morning meth faces in Paris today.

File this under: A rumor that makes you want to go back to bed with the biggest bottle of hooch you can find, pull the covers over your head and weep, weep, weep for humanity. There's a rumor going around that HoHan's got a little HoBaby growing inside her womb. Yeah, I know you're finding this shit hard to believe, because everybody was under the impression that she no longer has any organs. And if she does, I think even her ovaries got the memo and would not allow this fuckery to happen! They are refusing entry!

Some source tells Ian Undercover (via Showbiz Spy) that after HoHan and SamRo broke up, she started passing that hongray pussay around and kind of made a baby, “I swear she’s carrying. She’s going through big emotional turmoil. She’s not sure if she’ll have it or go through with an abortion that she booked to have in the next few days. Saddest part is she has no idea who the father is. She must have slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months.”

Where is baby going to chill? There's no room in that bony ass body for a chickpea, let alone a baby friend! Is there such thing as a colostomy bag for a fetus, because if there is, bitch is going to need one.

I'm going to take this with a grain of the bad shit for now, but I really wouldn't put this trick. When all else fails, have a money baby! Note to Child Protective Services: Start a file...just in case.

Here's a future mother of the year trolling around Malibu this past weekend. That hot piece in the second thumbnail below is giving me a fever!

Why does HoHan hate Marilyn Monroe so much? If HoHan loved Marilyn unconditionally, she would quit dragging her beautiful image through the gutter by posing as her over and over again. We all know what happend the last time. It wasn't pretty.

I mean, Marilyn Monroe's body TODAY probably looks better than this trick. When you're trying to look like Marilyn Monroe, but only end up looking like Pamela Anderson after getting gang banged by a dozen sumo wrestlers, it's time to hang up your wig and give it up.

Here's more of HoHan working the hardest she has all month at a photo shoot for Spanish Vogue.

What in two dollahs for a blow job Hell is going on in these pictures? I feel like I stumbled onto an escort's ad on Craigslist. I feel like the text "Naturaly...sweet hottie I'll give that 'ultimate experience' you'll never forget.. 100 Percent REAL PiCS.... 100 Percent ME! DONT MiSS OUT!! SIXTY 15 1HUNDRED HH 1FIFTY HR" should accompany these pictures.

These are some pictures of our little HoHan taken in a hotel room just before the FBI busted in and arrested her for solicitation. You can watch it all unfold on a special episode of Dateline NBC next week. No, HoHan posed like she was workin' it for an 8-ball just before she hosted a party at Tribe in Montreal. Hey, a bitch has got to make that money, I guess. Peddle that no-ass.

The paps say that while she was leaving the club, a dude grabbed her titty and then she fell on the floor. From starring in a movie with Jane Fonda to THIS? Get your exquisite lucite heels ready, HoHan. The Rock of Love Bus is about to pull up.

HoHan is back on the mainland after her relaxing holiday in Hawaii. Doesn't she look as refreshed as a 6-month old rotten pineapple? I'm surprised a family of moths aren't trying to bite at her.

After arriving back in L.A., HoHan only had time for a quick Adderrall bump before she went back to work. Don't cackle like that. She works! She promoted that runny diarrhea in a bottle at Sephora in Santa Monica yesterday. Although, she probably should've stayed away. When you look at HoHan, does it make you want to run out and drop your heard-earned coins on that SevinNyne crap? Nope, you don't want to look like that. I just want to spray a whole can of Easy-Off all over her body. That grease is baked on!

The term Coprophilia (Thanks, Alcee) comes to mind. When your face looks like a full colostomy bag, it's time to stop with the spray tan shit.

Here's Blotchy McDirtySanchez with her partner Lorit Simon and The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at the launch of SevinNyne at Sephora. Shockingly enough, Ali doesn't look a day under 45, so she's making progress! Keep on!

The island of Maui is still getting violated by HoHan and company. Yesterday, HoHan actually bathed herself in some tide pool with her sister Benjamina Button and other friends. HoHan also made friends with an island dog! Well, it was a one-sided friendship. Methinks he was just waiting for the greasy bone to stop moving so he could bite into it. Luckily, he didn't get his chance or he'd be spitting out dried crack fungus and fan tan smegma for the rest of the week.

I know I keep saying that HoHan looks like her diet consists of coke balls, Red Bull, nicotine and Juciy Fruit, but does she really look that beat? I mean, yes she's a crack hit away from looking like a post-Blaaaake Wino and I can count all her rib bones without my contacts on, but is it that bad? Take a good look. A good look...... Okay it is. Now I know why we eat food.

Here's more of my own, my love, my precioussssssssss in Hawaii.