Lindsay Lohan

Just slip a pair of platform flip-flops on HoHan and she'd look exactly like a sun-damaged day-shift hooker trying to trade handjobs for a gram outside of a Super 8 in Gainesville, FL. I mean, what is going on here? What is she doing? Why is just lying on someone's lawn? They need to turn on the sprinklers to wash down her skank. Maybe the cold water will also wake up her narcoleptic tittays, because they are OUT.

Over the weekend, HoHan took a break from her oh-so stressful life to get in a few photo-ops in Maui with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and some friends. Homegirl needs to take herself to a luau (just don't eat the pig), because her flat back beaver tail ass has a serious case of the hongries! Bitch's ass is trying to devour her bikini bottoms. Give it some pineapple or a macadamia nut or something.

When most of us are going through some real shit we turn to therapy, a bottle of Mad Dog or Yahoo Answers! to help us see the light, but celebwhores like HoHan go on The Ellen Degeneres Show to spill their hearts on the floor. Don't worry, she snorted it back up, so she wouldn't leave a mess.

When hos goes on talk shows, they are usually there to whore out something or another, but it sounds like HoHan just went on to weep for her old partner in pussy. In the interview, airing today, HoHan said she had no idea she was about to get kicked into the gutter, "I had no idea what was going on. I just hadn't seen her in like a week. She like, disappeared." When asked about why they stopped bumping 'ginas, HoHan wouldn't say, but she denied it was because of illegal sexy times, "I don't believe in cheating on someone."

Ellen kind of dropped a big boiling pot of HINTS on HoHan's head when she talked about her own break-up with that crazy Celestia-being, "I kind of lost my career for a little while and I went away. I went to Ojai, California. I stayed away for three years and I literally hibernated and got myself back together. Do you feel like you want to run away?" HoHan wouldn't get the hint if we liquefied it, cooked it up, chopped it down and shoved it up her nose. Her response to Ellen's question was, "I feel like I want to get my career back in shape. There are some shows I'm producing that I'm really excited about. I'm doing a movie in October. So it's been nice to just kind of...You know when people are together so much it gets really difficult and you forget who you are because you're more concerned about being with the other person."

Why didn't Ellen just shake her bony ass and scream, "BITCH! Hook yourself up to an IV filled with blended down meals from Claim Jumper, get in an oxygen tank and stay there until Mean Girls' 10th anniversary!"

And HoHan still holds a place in her pussay for SamRo's strap-on, "I really care about Samantha and we'll see what happens. Maybe when we're fully in the right place. And I love her."

She kind of sounds like a walking and talking Craigslist Missed Connections ad.

HoHan doesn't need SamRo and she doesn't need to work right now. She needs to clean the cokewebs out of her ears and listen to Ellen. Go to a lovely place with trees and deers where she can just quietly sit and use those chopstick legs to eat some damn chow mein or something.

VIA E! Online

HoHan is making up for lost times. Now that HoHan has put her pussy poundin' ways behind her for now, she's trying to stuff as much dick into her firecrotch as possible. That's what friends tell Page Six anyway. Since HoHan and SamRo are no longer partners in pussy, she has been sliding up to wang every night.

One friend said HoHan has been regularly talking to Kellan Lutz from Twilight and 90210. Last time I cared, Kellan was rubbing taints with AnnaLynne McCord. But Kellan isn't the only piece HoHan is up on. Friends also say she's two Cheeto steps closer in becoming the new old Brit Brit Spears, because she's been hanging out with 41-year-old British pap Chris Jepson. Last week, the two went into a bathroom together at a party and didn't come out for a while.

I'm sure they were just discussing the important works of ABBA while dusting each other's noses off with a little fairy dust, because Chris Jepson is a card carrying member of the Big 'Mo Club. Take a gander at Chris' MySpace. That is a dude who loves a warm peen lying against his nipple in the morning. The only thing HoHan was probably sucking up on Chris was a line off his titty cleavage.

HoHan needs some salchicha in her life, but not the kind that goes weepy after it busts. She needs the kind that's best served with some chili and melted Velveeta. Bitch needs to eat a salchicha in a bad way. Shit, throw a stuffed pancake on it! HoHan is the spitting image of Nancy, a straggly neighborhood alley cat who would lick an ass for a fish head. I've tried to save Nancy before, but she's a pussy of the streets and wants to stay that way.

Here's HoHan with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan buying eyeglasses or some shit. Good, maybe HoHan will put on her new eyeglasses, take a hard look in the mirror and realize she needs to do something fast before her only offer is to headline a donkey show in Tijuana.

I've made jokes about how Blohan will soon have to shake her freckled coke bag tittays for an 8-ball and now it looks like she actually might have to. Juggle them chichis for some sugar!

Over the weekend, Blohan went to the opening night of Peepshow, an ass and titty show in Las Vegas starring Scary Spice and Kelly Monaco. Fox News says Blohan was there to meet with the show's creator Jerry Mitchell about possibly replacing Kelly Monaco in three-months. One source said Blohan can't wait, because she really is a triple threat. She's a triple threat alright! Bitch is a master snorter, sucker and blower. Blohan thinks that doing the show will give her theater cred. Yeah, because learning how to do figure eights with nipple tassles while thrusting your pussay bone is really going to convince Broadway producers to cast her as Nora in A Doll's House. Stick that on your resume under "other talents."

The saddest and most hilarious part is that Blohan has to compete against Holly Madison and Brooke Burke for the role! That hurts like a dick after daggering. Next stop: pushing racks of clothes as an extra on The City!

You know, maybe this isn't such a bad idea. I mean, not only is Las Vegas the perfect place for a cokey-brained booze-slut, but one of my idols in life, Nomi Malone, went from truck stop prostitute to titty star and it worked out so well for her. Blohan is totally the new Nomi Malone! "Different places!"

When every bitch on the planet (except for Kathy Griffin) is making fun of your ass, you can either drown your sorrows by doing lines off of a toilet seat in a bathroom stall at Villa or you can make fun of yourself! HoHan chose the latter. Well, she probably chose the former too, but forget all about all that for a quick second while you watch this eHarmony spoof she did for Funny or Die. I choose "funny" this time. No doubt.

Yes, HoHan still looks like a year-old shriveled-up carrot left in the back of a refrigerator that a crackwhore had to do themselves in the ass with during a kinky sex show for her dealer in order to get a hit of the bad shit, but that's besides the point. And it looks like she can read cue cards which is also a good thing. Yes, Lindsay, more of this! This is the Lindsay I like!

I guess Blohan did the wrong shit one day and got the crazy idea to buy the film rights to Stevie Nicks' life story as a vehicle for herself. Like Blo really has the cash to buy that shit. You can't buy the rights to someone's life story with a half-snorted bag of coke and a Red Bell can. Well, maybe Stevie would've accepted that offer back in the early 80s, but not today!

When asked by UsWeekly what she thought about Blo playing her in a movie, Stevie said, "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk."

Stevie totally crushed Blo's dreams which caused her to grab a straw and snort 'em up!

Now this isn't such a fucked-up idea! I mean, Blohan is a little too old in the face to even play Stevie today, but after the make-up hos from BENJAMIN BUTTON'S get their hands on her mug, she could totally pull it off. Stevie practically lived on a mountain made of sugar back in the day, so all you gotta do is throw a shawl over Blohan and VOILA!

And since Blohan really wants to make the worst movie ever by casting herself as Stevie Nicks, she should go all the way! Heather Mills IS Christine McVie. Joaquin Phoenix IS Lindsey Buckingham. James Haven IS Mick Fleetwood (he has the crazy eyes). Billy Bob Thornton IS John McVie. I'll stop there before a pitchfork-wielding mob of Fleetwood Mac superfans storm my door.

Because Blohan brought the ginge back! I guess she figured that the easiest way to wash off all of SamRo's chocha jizz was just to dye her ratty weave. Wash that lezzie right out of her fake hair!

Ginge really does cure all problems, so everything will be rainbows and peaches again. The new hair even makes her face look a little less-methy. Just a bit. It's a step in the right direction. And here I thought that the next thing she was going to do to her hair was to shave it all off in a rage, so she has proven me wrong! Hopefully, the power of the ginge will make her ring up Candy Finnigan, go to the tank, talk the crazy out, etc... etc...

Anyway, here's Blo leaving the salon yesterday with her sister Old Baby Face.

This piece of Orange Sesame Chicken that was left under the heat lamp too long is really sad-like, because she got d-d-d-d-d-umped and instead of going to talk to a mental health professional inside of a rehab clinic, she's yapping to UsWeekly! Hey, they are the next best thing.

In an interview that sounds like it was written by piecing together Facebook statuses, Blohan says she is "humiliated" and in "absolute hell" after SamRo quit her ass last Friday. Hum. "Humiliated" and "in absolutely hell" is the same way I felt after watching I Know Who Killed Me.

The night SamRo broke up with Blo was also the same night she hired five security guards to keep her out of a JCPenney party. Blohan says it was the worst night of her life. Blo went on chirp, "I'm not a bad person and this is what happens. "I was raised to treat people well, and I'm so tired of this drama. Everyone's turned on me."

By "everyone", Blo means Nicole Richie and Drea de Matteo (aka Ade from The Sopranos). The night of the JCPenney party (I love that it all went down at an event for Penney's), Nicole said "UCK" when Blohan walked by and Drea said "Come at me, bitch!" AHAHAHAHAHAHA! When a bitch from fucking Joey and a skank troll who is famous for nothing thinks they are hotter shit than you, it's time to pack up your Toyota Tercel and drive far far far away from Hollywood. There's a commune in Montana with Blo's name on it. COME AT ME, BITCH! Drea has been watching a lot of Vh1! What else does she have to do?

Blo said that night felt like Mean Girls all over again, "I'm a fucking 22-year-old girl who's in love. I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie." But was Blohan wearing hoop earrings?! Because that's Regina's thing. She better not have been wearing hoop earrings.

UsWeekly asked Blo about the rumors that she threatened to kill herself after she got dumped, Blo laughed it off, "I'm just really hurt! The whole situation is sick."

You know what's sick? The fact that she's pouring her cokey-covered emotions to a fucking celebrity magazine! This is what happens when you snort your career away and have a crack pipe for a mother! Boo fucking hoo. Blo just needs to have a little conversation with Drew Barrymore, because she's already been to that rodeo. And then she needs to kick her mother in the crotch bone for pushing her ass down this road.

Come at me, BITCH!

Blohan confirmed that her cokey-tale romance with SamRo has dried up for now. Blohan said she wants to focus on herself. If she focused on herself even more she'd turn into a pussy pimple version of White Oprah, so that's not something I'd recommend.

Anyway, while Blo is "focusing on herself," the Ronsons are focusing to keep the crazy out of their lives. OK! Magazine says that yesterday evening SamRo's family went down to the Beverly Hills police station to ask about getting a restraining order against Blo.

Charlotte, SamRo's sister, apparently told the cops, "She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below... She also followed our brother Mark around."

SamRo's mama je'e added in a really dramatic voice, "Lindsay was doing drugs. And we could not sleep that night at the Chateau. She was complaining about the music and noise coming from upstairs. She was trying to get attention, so that Sam could come down. She cuts herself too. She is a cutter! (insert swelling and dramatic violin music here)”

The Ronsons were told that they had to go down to the court to petition for a restraining order.

It's all fun and cokey until someone turns into a pink-wig-wearing Brit Brit. If White Oprah and Michael Lohan pulled their heads out of their own fat pussies, they could probably handle this bitch Intervention-style. Blo needs the calm voice of Candy Finnigan to tell her to wipe the white shit off her ass and get to detox before she turns into...well...into her own fucking mother. But that's not going to happen, so I guess we'll have to wait until scientists build a fucking time machine to take Blohan back to her Mean Girls days. And...SHE IS A CUTTER!!!!

I was looking for a picture to go with this post when I came across this wild dog chilling outside of SamRo's house last night. It looks like Blohan isn't the only wild beast stalking SamRo. This wild dog, who is probably just trying to get close to SamRo's stash, seems totally over the cokey lezzie drama. Yawn with the dog, snort some Red Bull and then read on....

Blohan tells E! News that it's true she has split up with her main labia licker after their pathetic weekend of tears, Twittering and twattery. She gave a brief little statement, "We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself."

That is a "Bitch got DUMPED!!!" statement if I ever read one. It's nice that Blo has a sense of humor. I mean, "focus on herself." What in the dick has she been focusing on for the past ten million years?! I don't see her walking children in nature!

Blohan better get herself a new sponsor, because dealers don't like it when you are more than 30-days late! Spread that snatch, because 8-balls don't buy themselves!

Or she needs to stumble into the desert, declare to some strangers that she's the daughter of God and then rebound from SamRo by marrying a cameraman with Dennis the Menace hair.

Image: Pacific Coast News