Lindsay Lohan

So it looks like Blohan is off the snatch which means every peen in Hollywood should be crawling up in between its owner's ass cheeks to keep safe. Blohan might be back on the prowl after SamRo quit her crazy ass for good. SamRo really means it this time you guys, because she even changed the locks on her front door and everything!!!! Yeah, this must be SamRo's first time dealing with a lunatic with nothing else better to do than find ways to break in. Changing the locks won't do shit!! Blohan will squeeze her skanky bony ass through the air conditioning ducts if she really wants in.

Obviously, she didn't, because she took her ass to the Chateau Marmont, where I'm pretty sure you can order the bad shit through room service. Blo was photographed there yesterday with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and White Oprah. Oh, of course White Oprah was there. Blohan had a case of the lezzie sads and nothing makes her feel better like a bowl of her mom's home-cooked Xanax soup. The paparazzi also caught Blo giving me a case of deja vu while riding up to her hotel early this morning.

At this point, some whore just needs to leave a trail of coke from the Chateau Marmont to Casa de Cheeto, so Daddy Spears can sort her the fuck out with his cheese grits. Because if some shit doesn't happen, Blohan is going to go "shave your head" crazy. Although, the bitch kind of needs to shave her head since that weave is looking like something Kim Zolciak's wig queefed out.

Where are the paparazzi when you really need them, because last night a cracked out lizard tried to slither into a JcPenney party and got SHUT DOWN. That magical moment would been the perfect thing to play at parties especially since Blohan apparently tried to start a massacre and had to be held back by 5 bouncers. Oh, how you know she pulled out of one White Oprah's favorite lines: "Do you know who I am?" They did know who she was and that's why they denied the bitch.

You see, OK! Magazine says that the party was for Charlotte Ronson's new fashion line for JcPenney. The whole Ronson family was there and SamRo specifically told the organizers not to let Hurricane Crackwhore through the doors. Sources say Blohan even knew she wasn't supposed to show up, but like Tommy Girl to a peen, she just couldn't help herself. Shit got so heated after Blohan got a stop sign at the door that she had to be "restrained from coming in by five security guards."

Those five security guards are weak in the brains! You don't even need to touch Blohan to get her to leave. Just walk down to the sidewalk, open up an 8-ball and sprinkle the goodness all over the floor. That cokeyeater would have feverishly sniffed up every last grain long after the party was over.

So I guess this mean that SamRo and Blohan are no longer partners in pussay for now. These two lezzies are like an Ambert Lambert performance. They are so fucking over-the-top!

Here's some pictures from that JcPenney (HA! AGAIN!) shit last night. Maury Povo needs to pay Mark Ronson a little visit, because I still don't believe he's related to any of those turtle people.

Harper's Bizarre China didn't want to deal with Cokezilla terrorizing their set, so they just picked up a Blohan doll, took one Polaroid of it, brought that shit up in Photoshop, ran the "cokewhore lookin' for a fix" tool over her eyes for authenticity, added a little chunk, hit PUBLISH and then called it a fucking day. This is a two-second effort if I ever saw one.

I know Zombie Blohan normally doesn't look like she has a pulse, but this shit is just beyond. Putting a picture of a burnt coke rock next to a coughed up cat hairball on the cover would've been a more realistic image of Blohan than this fakery!

VIA ONTD

Lily Allen played L.A. last night and during her cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah" (which Lily strangely pronounces "Womanizer"), a cokey freckled mess stumbled on stage for absolutely no reason. Blohan popped out of nowhere, whispered something to Lily, gave her a side-hug, threw her skanky bones up in the air, busted a move like a special needs chimp, played a game of Hide-N-Seek behind Lily and then staggered off. I think I just witnessed a drug deal.

Why else would Lily bring Blohan on stage? That's not exactly something you flaunt. A Lohan is something you only bring out at parties when it's time to go skiing. Other than that, you keep that filthy little secret to yourself!

The crackery cracks at the 3:30 mark in the video above.

White Oprah had planned to have a good old-fashioned Lohan night out in Hollywood, but the bouncer at the club just wouldn't cooperate! All White Oprah wanted was to get fucked up with her daughters and maybe bond over a line or two in a bathroom stall! Regular family stuff! But the bouncer, who obviously hates family togetherness, denied them entrance.

According to UsWeekly (via The Scoop), White Oprah, Blohan and Ali Lohan tried to get into Villa and failed. White Oprah was told that Ali is too young. White Oprah apparently then pulled out everyone's favorite line that works every time, “Do you know who I am?” And to really stick it to the bouncer's asshole, Blohan added, “You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!”

The bouncer knew who these twats were. If he didn't, he would've held the door open for Ali and given her a senior's discount, because bitch is the perfect definition of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. While White Oprah and Blohan were flipping their coke noses over this, Ali was probably the only one sighing in relief to herself, because someone actually thought she was young! She will never forget that man again!

And White Oprah needs to try harder. The cokey gods didn't give her those Grand Canyon nostrils for no reason. Stick Ali up in there, tell her to hold her breath and then sashay into the club.

Here's Blohan and Ole' Ali killing us softly with fringe while leaving SamRo's house yesterday afternoon.

So, when HoHan was first seen driving around in a $100,000 Maserati, I immediately figured SamRo was leasing it for her in exchange for nightly clit gnawing sessions. Well, I was wrong. TMZ says they know who that butt plug of a car belongs to. It's owned by some dude named Dennis DeSantis who is in the sex selling game. DeSantis is a porn producer who has put together some of the most elegant works of art including Butt Sluts and Origami So Horny.

After HoHan's assistant busted the car by driving into a Subaru, DeSantis just shrugged it off, paid the $10,000 for it to get repaired and allowed our little cokey fauxmosexual to keep driving it. DeSantis also claims he lent her the car just because. There's no strings attached. Uh huh...... There's always strings attached. And these strings are attached to the end of a double-sided dildo, because that's what HoHan's going to have to put in her ass in order to pay DeSantis back.

We've always joked that HoHan is sitting first class in the Crackwhore Train to hardcore porn. I wouldn't be shocked if when I was trolling the adult section of my video store, I saw HoHan's diarrhea face on the cover of titles like: Labia Pains, Confessions Of A Teenage Oral Queen, The Pussy Trap, Just My Fuck, Meat Girls, A Prairie Whore Companion and Freaky Friday.

White Oprah will be so proud. No, she really will be. I wasn't being sarcastic.

If you're one of Blohan's "sicko fans" then you will pleased to know that you don't have to go far to see her next masterpiece. Fuck, you don't even have to get your fat ass off the sofa, because it will be beamed directly to your TV. Blohan's Labor Pains will make its debut on basic cable! One step closer to selling hand jobs at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada!

The production company told UsWeekly that it will show on ABC Family in July. A month later, it will be thrown into a 50% off discount bin at the 99 Cent Store.

Blohan's response: "YOU SICKO FANS ARE RUINING MY LIIIIFEEEEE!" Stick a meth pipe in it!

Since Blohan is about to become the Meryl Streep of the cable TV movie circuit, I think it's about time she ring up her old friend Ty Ty Banks and propose a sequel to the masterpiece shit show known as LIFE SIZE. Blohan's cracked out soul needs Ty Ty to serenade her with the uplifting anthem "Be A Star." That will make everything okay again. The clip is below and no, Ty Ty is not synching with her lips. She's got natural talent! It's also strange to see lil' Lohan before the meth bugs ate her face.

It's about that time for your weekly eyeball calisthenics, because Blohan is speaking from her farts again. Reading this whole interview she gave to E! News seriously gave me a major work out. My eyeballs are fucking buff now and I almost have a damn six-pack from laughing so hard.

Eff the gym today, just read this mess. Just make sure you aren't eating a sandwich or sucking on a dick, because you might choke on it. The lil' cokey fauxmosexual lays it on thick. I bolded the truly hilarious parts for you to tell your friends at Happy Hour tonight. They'll cackle until they barf.

On fighting with her partner in pussay :
"They need to stop saying we're fighting. People telling lies about me to her and all this garbage. I'm really a good person and I have a good heart and just want to work. The only reason I go to clubs is to hear Samantha spin or be normal."

On being a cracked out, boozed up piece of trash:
"I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't lie. I love to act and write and be creative, and I want to help people by playing characters that can send a positive message out to whomever may need it."

On growing up:
"I move forward and I change. Life's too short not to. If people would just leave my personal life alone—because it's really not that interesting—then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting."

On the future:
"I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, ake music, write books, etc. It's all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be."

On being a classy, tactful...I can barely type this shit:
"With everything that's gone on with my family, my parents still taught us how to have tact, class, respect for others and how to follow our dreams and never change who we are for anyone or anything. No. 1 is perfect, and perfect is impossible. You have to make mistakes to learn so that you can grow up and live your life the right way. Things happen, and you have to move on, be strong and believe in yourself. It would be really nice if people would believe in me."

Oh, I believe in you. I believe that you're a crackwhoreslutbitchskank who will suck off a squirrel who suffers from halitosis of the peen for just one meth hit. But that's your charm!

Seriously, that interview had so many great lines. It's like Christopher Guest wrote that shit! CLASS?! DON'T DO DRUGS?! FANS?!

Oh, someone's been cutting her bad shit with a little of that delusional dust.

Yeah, not (nsfw) THAT bumper. That bumper has been busted since '05.

The bumper on her brand new $100,000 Maserati got fucked up when Blohan's assistant ran that shit into a parked Subaru yesterday afternoon. Being a dumb bitch must be contagious. Seriously, you could be the greatest driver on the planet, but if you sit next to Blohan in a car, all your skills will be thrown out the damn window. Or Blohan would find a way to crystalize your skills so she can snort 'em up.

Fixing that wreck isn't going to be cheap. Blohan better give her snatch a pep talk and a Life Saver, because SamRo's going to put it through some serious shit to pay for that busted bumper.

Here's Blohan wandering the streets of Downtown L.A. yesterday. If Blohan wants to look like she's in the final stages of becoming a zombie, that's fine. But bitch shouldn't put her weave through that shit. She needs to dip it in some Pedialyte, because it's looking thirsty.

Try not to look to surprised when the drugged-out, stringy homeless person begging for coins on the freeway off-ramp has a face that only White Oprah could love, because the NYDN says Blohan is broke as a joke. One of Blo's friends said she's living the American way by using her credit cards to pay for a bunch of her dumb shit. And when she's not maxing out her plastic (Suze Orman just turned inside/out), she's making her own personal Brandon Teena pick up the tab.

The only cash that is coming in are from personal appearances Blohan makes at clubs and that's not cutting it. Her friend said, "She has no cash. The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam’s because Lindsay doesn’t really have any of her own at the moment; she’s really taken on the ‘man’ role in their romance. Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better.”

Blohan needs to learn that money doesn't always sprout out of twats, even if she nibbles the clit a little. It's time to make some changes. Instead of snorting up Colombia's finest, she's going to have to switch to huffing gas out of car gas tanks (it's free!). Instead of Red Bull and Vodka, she'll have to join the rest of us and drink Nikolai vodka and RC Cola in the parking lot before we go into the club. Instead of spending $800 on getting extensions, she'll have to follow Parasite Hilton around and catch the tracks that come falling off her head.

Crash. Smash. Pink. Heart. BROKE. BITCH.