Kiki Dunst

What the fuck is wrong with the crazy people of this world? Bryan Adams has stalkers (see below) and now Kiki Dunst has one too. Crazy people aren't discriminating.

Yesterday in Los Angeles, Kiki was granted a restraining order against some dude named Christopher Smith. Christopher has tried to break into her house several times. He was arrested last week after he tried to get into her vampire cavern for the fifth time. He was stopped by Kiki's personal assistant who performed a citizen's arrest on him.

I always wanted to do that shit! The next time I spot a hot dude doing something mildly illegal like smoking in a non-smoking area, I'm going to scream "CITIZEN'S ARREST!" Then I'm going to make him spread it so that I can frisk him for any dangerous weapons. Then I will ask him if he finds me attractive. If he says yes, I will inform him that I must perform a breathalyzer on him because it's standard procedure. I will assure him that it won't hurt a bit, because I've had a special breathalyzer system installed in my mouth. Then he'll have to take off his pants. Performing a citizen's arrest is better than Craigslist!

Anyway, 25-year-old Christopher Smith told the court that he's in love with her and connects with her spiritually. He went on to say, "I felt like I connected with her and she connected with me. Now I don't know if she did. I guess you have to ask her if she connected."

This dude ain't right. I have the perfect solution for Kiki's situation. Obviously, this dude has a strange obsession with wet marshmallows. Kiki should just send him a giant bag of soggy Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallows with a little baby tooth and scraggly blonde wig attached to it. He won't know the difference.

That should keep his creepy ass busy for a few a years.

Source: AHN

When you find yourself fighting over The Mac Dude, it's time to roll up your genitals and call it a day. That's what Drew Barrymore and Kiki Dunst need to do. Some nosy ho told OK! Magazine that the two were bitchy towards each other backstage at SNL and also at the after-party. Drew used to do gross things with Justin Long and Kiki recently did nasty things with him. Kiki denies it but we know she's a lying sack of unsifted flour.

Drew was at SNL to watch her friend Pizza Face Diaz in one of the skits. Kiki was there to support her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who hosted the show A source said: "Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in. James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron." Did James make a joke about wanting to lick the foundation off of Zac Efron's taint, because that's not a joke.

At the after-party, the tension between Drew and Kiki was still there. The nosy ho said: "Both Drew and Kirsten were there. But Kirsten didn't want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night."

Damn. These two are both boring ass faces. Stay away from each other? Doesn't Drew know that when you're in the same room as your ex-boyfriend's current eff buddy, you're supposed to call her a cunt and then pour a pitcher of beer over her head. That's standard practice.

Here's more of Kiki's uncooked flapjack face and Drew Barrymore on Saturday night. There were a few other scraggly celebrities there including Juno and Chace Crawford from "Gossip Girl." Drew ended up leaving with Chace. That's right, Drew. Forget your troubles with a little lesbionic action.

It seems like it was just yesterday that little Dakota Fanning was reading a story to Sean Penn, and now here she is looking all gummy and grown up at the NYC premiere of her movie "Hounddog." The movie where she has a rape scene.... The room suddenly got all quiet and uncomfortable. Umm....moving on..

It's nice to see a 14-year-old actually looking her age instead of looking like middle-aged Long Island housewife who lives a double life as a day-shift stripper. I'm talking to you, Ali Lohan.

The premiere rought out some hot pieces like Piper Laurie and Robin Wright Penn. It also brought out a stale marshmallow who goes by the name of Kiki Dunst. Would it seriously kill her to take a bath? A dry bath even? She should at least cover herself with baking powder. She probably smells. She looks like a secretary from the 70s who spent all night sleeping on the Staten Island ferry.

Kiki Dunst and the Mac Dude have reportedly been exchanging fluids for a few weeks now, but she denies it. The two bed bug-ridden mattresses have even been photographed a couple of times together, but she STILL refuse to admit it.

Harper's Bazaar (via UsWeekly) asked Kiki about her relationship with Justin Long, "I don't know him from Adam. I met him once and he and his friend were kind enough to walk me home. I've never seen him since."

Kiki has the right idea. Deny. Deny. Deny. When someone asks her about crappy performance in "Marie Antoinette," she should just respond, "That wasn't me." Or when they ask her why her flour tittay sacks hang so low, she should say, "I don't know titties from Adam."

Image: Metromix

Last month, Kiki Dunst and the Mac Dude were spotted "canoodling" in NYC. Well, they are still going strong or something. Kiki and Justin Long "were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas" at Sunset Junction in L.A. this past weekend. A witness who probably dry heaved while watching their PDA told Rush & Molloy, "They were holding hands and were all over each other." Sucio!

I'm sure it looked like two raggedy pigeons picking bugs off of each other. And you know a new species of fleas was born from their make-out fest. Maybe they weren't making out? Maybe Justin was just popping Kiki's huge zit with his teeth. That's real love.

Visit Metromix to see more pictures from Sunset Junction this past weekend.

A couple of days before Kiki Dunst was spotted being gross with the Mac Dude in NYC, she was stalking Emile Hirsch. According to Page Six, Kiki showed up to the Bowery Hotel just to see Emile. When he left, she followed him to a club next door.

A tattle-tailer said, "She was all alone. She was going to the bar just to see him."

Kiki sure does love the filthy ones. It must be the dick butter. I swear, every dude she boinks is dirtier than the last. She probably does the "smell test" to determine whether or not she's going to eff them or not. If they don't smell like a rest stop urinal, she wants nothing to do with them.

Here's Kiki looking like a mess while interviewing her next victim.

The Mac Dude only broke up with Drew Barrymore less than a week ago, but he's already found a rebound. Some source told OK! Magazine that this morning, while we were in our beds dreaming of cotton candy penises (seriously, that was my dream), Kiki and Justin Long were holding hands and being gross in NYC.

The source said, "Justin was holding Kirsten's hand while walking around downtown NYC in the SoHo area. They looked like they had stayed out all night and Justin had bloodshot eyes, but Kirsten was all over him and kept leaning in to kiss him." Kiki loves bloodshot eyes. She also loves eye boogers. She probably ate those off him. And he sucked off the leftover food that gets stuck her snagtooth. Well! They are both dirty birds. Dirty celebrities like being dirty together.

Up until today, I figured Justin was just some nothing actor who got lucky with the Mac commercials. But I decided to IMDB him and he's been in a lot of shit. He was the voice of Alvin in the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie!! I'd hit it for that reason alone. Imagine him saying, "I'm gonna cum all over your titties" in his Alvin voice? Amazing....and sexy.

Oh and they probably broke up before their first orgasm together. Kiki texted "It's OVER" to him, right before she came. That's how she works.

It's been a while since I've posted anything on this lil' marshmallow vampire. It's nice to see Kiki smiling and showing off her snagtooth. It was only a three months ago she was in rehab for being really, really sad or something.

I don't know how Kiki can drink a Corona without a lime. The best part about drinking that shit, is sticking a salt-covered lime in the bottle and then watching it overflow. Of course, boring ass Kiki drinks it bare.

Here's Kiki with her brother, Christian, in NYC yesterday. I swear I've seen her brother standing outside of my local deli, asking for a quarter or a cigarette.

UPDATE: I'm blind and slow. There's a lime floating in Kiki's Corona. I apologize to snagtoof for assuming she doesn't the correct way to drink a Corona.(Thanks Christa)

Kiki Dunst checked into rehab earlier this year and everybody thought it had something to do with her boozing ways. I mean, the girl likes to drink. Kiki told E!'s Marc Malkin that she went to rehab because she was really, really sad.

She said, “I went there for depression. It was a good six months before I decided to go away. I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn't know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge.”

Cirque Lodge is mainly a rehab joint for crackheads and boozers.

Everyone I know goes to the bar when they're depressed. And if you're depressed enough, you're always at the bar, which means you're always drunk, which means you'll eventually need rehab. See how that works?

Kiki went on to say, “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.” Bossy! She had me actually feeling sowwy for her mushy ass until she made that comment. I was this close to sending her cream-filled gingersnaps. Thanks for snapping me back into reality, Kiki.

She also denied the rumors that she's dating Ryan Gosling. That's not something you should ever deny. Bitch if hot. Even if you aren't dating him. Just lie and say you are.

Kiki Dunst is reportedly keeping busy in rehab. Yeah, she's probably going to meetings, crying in meetings and all that, but InTouch Magazine reports she's also getting her floppy pussy eaten. They don't put it that bluntly, but they claim she's found love in rehab. That's smart, because rehab relationships really last.

A source said, "The staff has asked the two to separate more than enough. She sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes." Kiki's new mystery man even asked his mommy to send Kiki flowers.

Kiki is currently at Cirque Lodge in Utah. This is the same joint where Lindsay Lohan found true love. We all know how that ended.

In even hotter Kiki news, she's reportedly leaving Hollywood. Yes! Yes! Star Magazine reports that Lindsay will leave Hollywood forever after she gets out of rehab. A source said, "When she first came to the Cirque, she said she was planning to leave Hollywood. If she feels that Hollywood holds too many temptations, then maybe she should go in another direction. One thing is for sure — Kirsten's got a lot of demons to conquer. But she's determined to win."

Those aren't demons. It's just gas. I think Kiki should leave Hollywood. This is the best thing I have heard all morning. She should take her new rehab love, move to Greenland, smoke pot all day and play with their fat bellies. This is the life Kiki was meant to live.