Cameron Diaz

Damn. Look at Tommy Girl puffing out those succulent tits while manhandling Cameron Diaz on the Boston set of Wichita yesterday. Tommy almost looks like a big butch top! Almost. Maybe this will convince Will Smith to let Tommy tame his hole next time. Naw, probably not. Tommy still looks like a kitten wearing a strap-on.

And you know deep down, Tommy wants to be the one wearing the frilly yellow dress. Truth is, his chichis would probably look better in it than Cameron's.

When you're looking for a quick piece, most of us go to Craigslist, AdultFriendFinder, the bar at Howard Johnson's or a random alley. Not Cameron Diaz. That bitch just goes to her IMDB page and picks out which former co-star she's going to grease up! Cameron has already allegedly been through Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law. And now, The Sun is saying that Cameron was out on a date with everyone's favorite flea nest Keanu Reeves and she was trying to impress him with her hamburger swallowing skills. Sucioness.

A witness-type said, "They looked very cosy. Cameron was stuffing her burger in her mouth and playing up the fact that she has that wide mouth. Keanu was laughing - it was strange to see him giggling like that as he's regarded as a bit serious."

Yes, because a Pizza Face stuffing a mound of ground beef in her mouth is really going to make Keanu's dick butter sizzle. Unless the dude is into scat, that shit is not going to turn him on. And if Cameron wants to show off what a fatty fat fat mouth she has, all she has do to is say something.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law are both wiping zit semen off of their nutsacks, because The Sun claims they are both playing around with Cameron Diaz.

Apparently, Cameron started her tour of wonky hairlines last week when she bumped it with Leonardo DiCaprio in London. A source type says that Leo is ready to pass his peen around after recently splitting with Bar Rafaeli. The source went on to say, "Cameron has been showing a lot of interest while he is in London filming. She was back at his rented apartment in Knightsbridge, west London, a couple of times last week after a series of secret dates. They were joking with friends that they played chess together."

As for Jude, Cammy was seen leaving a club with him in London on Sunday night. The same source who is yapping about the Leo shit said that Jude is trying hard to get a chance to pop Cameron's pimples with his wang, "Jude and Cameron have been good friends since they filmed The Holiday together a few years ago. Now they are both single, things are a bit different between them. Jude has been flirting with her and she has been playing along."

You know, I can't help but think at how hot a threesome starring these three would've been like 10 years ago. But now, thinking of Pizza Face Diaz rubbing it on these two just makes me hongray for a salami sandwich on sourdough with extra Thousand Island dressing.

Tommy Girl's creamy pits (to match his creamy Scientolohole) and Stepford Katie's giant muffin face (made with barley, of course) came out to support Cameron Diaz as she received her star on the Hollywood Walk of FAIL yesterday.

You know, I'm trying soooo hard not to stare at the Scientology-made second trimester pillow under Katie's shirt. Please don't tell me there's an alien robot baby stewing in some test tube in a lab in the middle of the desert! Maybe that's why Tommy's arm 'ginas can't stop jizzing? The tiny crazy is excited knowing that he will soon have a new robot baby to parade in front of the world.

Speaking of terrifying, Cameron Diaz's FACE! What in the stuffed crust pizza hell did she do to her face? It looks like Botox is her new favorite topping. Bitch looks like a week-old stale calzone.

Gatecrasher is saying that Cameron Diaz might be rubbing her crusty pizza face all over Adam Levine's nalgas. Does this mean their Hollytard couple name is Camerooooon? You know, because he's in Maroon 5 and shit? No, how dare I use the name of Chantal Biya's precious homeland in the same paragraph as these two twats? Their couple name can simply be Two Dumb Whores. That works the best.

Anyway, some witness-types saw Pizza Face and Adam on a lunch date at Chateau Marmont the other. Cammy was bumping taints with Paul Sculfor (of Jennifer Aniston fame), but I guess she kicked his peen to the gutter and moved on to Adam. This would be the second ex of Jessica Simpson that Cammy is fucking on. The first being John Mayer. That means Tony Romo better keep Biore pads and Palmolive in his bathroom cabinet, because Cammy is coming his way any minute now.

Who the fuckity fuck does Cameron Diaz think she's messing with?! Skank needs to turn her pizza face around and keep walking before that hot bitch throws down her blue cup and handles business. That office lady bitch looks like she doesn't give a hell if she's fired from her administrative assistant job for beating that fugly ass Cameron! It would be worth it.

Cameron knew what was up and she quickly backed down and kept walking. That's right, bitch! Offices bitches are looking for a reason to take out their stress on you! That lady's boss probably cursed her out that day and she was aching to let it all out. Hopefully, Cameron learned her place and she won't try that dumb shit again.

Even Cameron Diaz can't believe she's had her pizza face on the same dude's sausage for this long! You can tell by the look in her eyes. I think she's picturing someone new just to get her through the day. It's skill #235 in the hardcore slut's handbook on how to try and be monogamous. Although, I guess if you have to be stuck with a stale sausage, you'd want to be stuck with Paul Sculfor's.

Here's Pizza Face and her stale sausage being gross in NYC today.

I can't keep up with Cameron Diaz. She's like Kate Hudson to me. I have no idea who she's bumping fuglies with at the moment. Well, I guess she's still doing sexy times with Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Page Six reports that the two were spotted being all slutty and shit at the Four Seasons in the Maldives.

A source said, "They snorkeled, kayaked, and she ate like a horse." I think the source meant to say that she "ate like a whore." How do whores eat exactly? Well, we don't use utensils and we moan a lot while shoving food down our deep throats.

Anyskanky, the source also said Pizza Face Diaz wore a "chunky ring on her left ring finger." This is not what you think! It's not an engagement ring! Kate Hudson has the same ring. It's a "slut ring" with a special alarm on it to alert you when you've been with a dude too long. It's going to go off any minute. Then Cameron will start dating Lance Armstrong and Kate will start dating Paul. It's inevitable.

What's the number to 911?! There's a criminal on the loose and her name is Cameron Michelle Diaz!! She must be arrested immediately and sentenced to at least 200 years in the chokey. They can throw in an extra 50 years for "The Holiday."

Cammy committed a crime in Hollywood the other night by driving while talking on her Blackberry. Yes, the car was moving! I'm sure she would have told the police officer, "I was only pretending to talk on my phone, so the paparazzi wouldn't bother me. I promise I'll use my Bluetooth headset from now on." And then she'd giggle like a baby stoner. You know how that twat is.

Speaking of headsets, why do whores think it's OK to wear those things outside of the car? I don't know how many times I've embarrassed myself by answering questions from a stranger talking into their headset. Most of the time they look straight at you while saying shit into their practically invisible headset. They are fucking with you. They know what they're doing. And if you're one of those whores, I'll meet you out back.

Yesterday, I posted some shit about Cammy Diaz and Diddy being an item. Diddy's rep denied the claim by saying, "Ewww! With that pizzafaced hag?! Not!" or something to that effect. Today, Cammy has been linked to another dude. People reports that Cameron had dinner with Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor.

I really hope they continue dating because then we can call them "Ron Paul." A witness saw Cammy and Paul having dinner together at some restaurant in Santa Monica. The witness said, "They looked really flirty. She was laughing really loud at all of his jokes. It looked like a date." That man tells jokes?! I figured he just stood there and looked hot.

And it's not a Cameron Diaz date, unless she's under the table tickling his chode with her tongue. Well, she's a slut! Methinks Cammy and Kate Hudson share a vagina. They are both bores on the outside, but sluts on the inside.