Cameron Diaz

...and you have a new favorite picture to double punch. Everlast should use that picture on a punching bag. The national debt would be wiped out immediately.

Cameron Diaz and Diddy both screamed "JUST FRIENDS!" last month when they were seen having lunch together at some restaurant in Beverly Hills. They're screaming those same words again today after Page Six says they were slurping on each other's mouths at PH-D in Manhattan on Saturday night. Diddy was already holding court at his table when Cameron strolled in a little after 1am for some Virgin Diaries action. P6 put it like this:

“They were kissing and making out,” and continued being “very affectionate” while they danced, our sources said. Diaz and Diddy left the club together with the group just after 3 a.m. This isn’t the first time Diaz has been seen fiddling with Diddy.

Diddy on his own is UGH, Cameron on her own is UGH and together they're just UGHUGHUGHUUUUUUGGGGGH. They shouldn't be tongue screwing in front of everybody. Nobody wants to see that. It probably looks like two gaping anuses squirting douche water at each other. How would Cameron and Diddy like it if two gaping anuses squirted douche water at each other right in front of them? Actually, they'd probably be into it. Those nasty kinky fucks.

On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).

This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.

So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.

Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.

The Mirror broke its oath to always tell the truth by publishing this headline today: "Prince Harry chats up gym buddy Cameron Diaz"

My initial reaction to this charbroiled turnover of lies is best expressed through this GIF:

After I stopped my heart from attacking itself by shooting Pinot into its veins, I read the rest of the fan fiction The Mirror came up with after getting stoned on red weed. The voices in their heads say that while Cameron Diaz is filming the movie Gambit in the UK, she's keeping up the six-pack on her ass cheeks for A-Rod by working out at some super fancy and exclusive gym. This is the same fancy and exclusive gym where Prince Hot Ginge apparently works out. You know where this is going so I'll just let this source take it from here:

"Since first clocking one another and saying hello, they have coincided visits on two further occasions. During the second one, they were pounding along on adjacent treadmills and Harry cheekily nudged-up Cameron’s speed dial, suggesting a one kilometer race. Cameron agreed... and won. They have become pretty friendly – Harry even invited his new gym buddy out drinking with him and his Sloaney chums.”

If that quote was a Billy Idol song, it would be called LIES WITHOUT A FACE! The Mirror is really trying to make me believe that a mere mortal like Cameron Diaz was next to a sweaty Prince Hot Ginge and she never stopped to get a jar so she could collect his salty pore nectar to bathe in later? That's what anybody would do. The Mirror also wants me to think that Prince Hot Ginge would actually be seen with a raggedy, Dorito-faced, droopy-eyed womp womp bitch? Oh, wait. Shit. God save this queen because I'm about to have a heart attack sequel.

Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.

Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!

In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.

Here's the red-band (aka NSFW) trailer for Bad Teacher, which stars A-Rod's part-time roid pimple pincher as a gold digging, weed smoking high school teacher who is trying to win a bonus so that she can buy titty bags and win the heart of a rich substitute played by Justin Timberlake.

Yeah, I know you liked this better when it starred Jack Black and was called School of Rock, but is it wrong that I'd probably sneak into this after buying a ticket for a more respectable movie like Mr. Popper's Penguins? The trailer promises a cornucopia of fucks, limited amounts of Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel's ball sack, child abuse and Cameron Diaz doing what she does best: puffin' that good shit pipe. It can't go wrong (but it probably will anyway)!

via Mocksession (Thanks to Ray for giving me the heaves and singeing my taste buds )

But that could also be his "ACK! I always pull A-Rod's key out of the bowl" face.

The definition of random paid a visit to Miami Beach last night when former President Bill Clinton had dinner with a group of people including A-Rod and Cameron Diaz. Bill got the chosen seat facing the wall of paps, so naturally we received the gift of a glorious gallery of expressions from Bill. Facial expressions like:

"Your mouth sure is purdy. I am so hypnotized by it that I have no idea that I'm about to eat a pancake lettuce wrap."

"If I rub faster, will your chest grow?"

"Your mouth sure is purdy (Yes, I'm still on that). How about you, me and a cigar get a room together somewhere?"

"Ha! The cigar shop is all closed up. Good thing I've got this thumb. It'll do the trick!"

A-Rod and Cameron's date with Bill comes just one day after she admitted to George Lopez that she loves that sticky icky feeling, so that sort of explains why these these three are together. It would also explain why Bill's got Willie Nelson eyes....and why he ate a pancake lettuce wrap. Damn. I have to try this "not inhaling" shit, because Bill looks like he's having the time of times!

Cameron Diaz and A-Roidy supposedly have one of those fuck-by relationships. You know, she flies into town, jumps on his dick, rides it until her face pimples bust a nut and his titties get dizzy, hops off and then goes on to the next. CASUAL, right. Well, shit is so casual that Cameron is now hanging around with A-Roid's kids in Mexico for the week. What is Cameron doing?! Get in, get on, get off, get out... Don't ask how their day is, don't ask who those cute kids in the picture on their nightstand is, don't ask anything! I thought Cameron knew that shit, but yet here she is entering into "auntie" territory. Confiscate her ho shit credentials now!

And not only that, but now A-Roid's daughter is traumatized beyond repair because she's seen Pennywise in the flesh and without his make-up on.

Meanwhile in Miami.... I guess A-Rod cut his salmon jerky rendezvous short, because here's Cameron Diaz holding on to him the same way the baddest butch in the cell block holds on to her latest prison bitch. Keep your bitch close, Cam!

Here's more of A-Rod and Cam looking as if Ponch and Larry from CHiPs found real love after the latter got gender reassignment surgery.

This is why the world will never make sense. A-Rod can casually flaunt his ripe and juicy mango slices out in the open while Cameron Diaz has to keep hers clothed or face LIFE IN A MEXICAN PRISON!!!!!1!!!1! (I type that like it's a bad thing). Cameron's chichis obviously want to be seen, because look how they are slowing inching towards her back knowing that's where the damn sun shines! Not right.

Anyway, here's Cameron and her sometimes piece A-Rod hosing each other down in Mexico over the weekend. Cameron is killing me softly with her array of facial expressions. Bitch looks like the Joker channeling Greer Childers.