Jennifer Garner

With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart's maternity line, hos figured that she's either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it's eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It's the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she'll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.

A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are "thrilled" to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.

No other details were released.

Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.

Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it's 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. "I'm thrilled that you're listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore's pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King," is the message she'll leave.

But yeah, my first thought when I read about this last night was that a blind item finally got its sight. My second thought was that Band-Aid Begonia Affleck does have a certain ring to it.

Okay, that headline is not entirely true or fair. Yes, cucumbers would love to gently lay on top of Vince Vaughn's swollen stuffed bags and soothe them until they no longer look like miniature versions of Lisa Rinna's anal gland lips, but we can all learn to love them. If you look at them through permanent perverted eyes (aka my eyes) and access the part of your imagination that's run by your genitals, Vince Vaughn's double carry-on eye bags sort of, kind of look like tiny crooked labias! If you look at 'em that way, then you will definitely love them. How can you not love labia eye bags?

If you sat on his peen and stuck your tongue between his under eye pussy bags, it would be like having a simplified bi-sexual threesome! And you don't have to worry about an extra pair of legs kicking you in the head. I bet there's a little cream in between there, so it would be like eating the real thing! Since I put it that way, right?

Here's more of Labia Eyes Vaughn at last night's Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in L.A. with: Ashley Greene, Meadow Soprano, Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Noxzema Girl, McSteamy, Brad from The Chupa Zoe Project, Sienna Miller's ex-whore with his wife, a midget lesbian in drag as Steve Buscemi and Ryan Phillippe.

Ben Affleck had a smile on his face and a BOOM on his eye when he was photographed leaving a block party for the rich with his wife Jennifer Garner and daughter yesterday afternoon in Brentwood. Those of us who are slaves to scandal have already come up with an elaborate explanation for Ben's black eye involving Not Blake Lively's nude pictures and Sydney Bristow's fist. But no, that's not what happened. There's a million explanations for Ben's black eye.

Ben could've been fapping in an extremely tight space and over lubrication caused his hand to slip off his peen and slap right into his eye. It happens. Ben could've been taking his own nekkid photos in the bathroom and just as he was arching his back to achieve that ultra sexy pose, his foot slipped on a shower puddle and his eye went into the faucet. It happens. Ben could've also caught Gigli on cable and his natural instinct took over when he punched himself in the face. More than likely.

But what I think what really happened is that Ben ran into Blake Lively's publicist at the block party and during their conversation she let him know that he had a little potato salad on his cheek. That's when she rubbed charcoal dust under his eye so everyone could bring up Blake Lively's name in a post that has nothing to do with Blake Lively. Damn, she's good.

Yup! That's the non-elaborate explanation for Ben Affleck's not black eye!

Somebody kindly lead Garry Marshall to the nurse's office so he can lay down with a warm towel on his head, because he's obviously not right. He's rambling on and on about how he's going to do a big screen version of Laverne & Shirley with Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel in the title roles. I mean, Garry obviously mixed up his medications or something.

During press junkets for that Valentine's Day crap, Garry joked out about how the chemistry between Jennifer and Jessica is so strong that he thinks they would make a wonderful Laverne & Shirley. It was all just jokes then, but now it's becoming a reality. Garry tells TV Guide (via Coming Soon) that he is working on a modern version of L&S, and has asked Jamie Foxx to write the script. I'm telling you! Pepaw's talking craziness, and needs to lie down now!

Garry said, "Jamie and I are trying to do it. He's writing it. It's a whole different modern day take on how they came up on the streets during difficult times. Laverne would be this very tough girl with a big 'L' tattooed on her arm. Jennifer Garner would play Laverne and Jessica Biel would play Shirley."

WTFWTFWTFWTF. Let's say you put an obese raccoon, Justin Bieber, a toothless troll, Jesse James' fuck couch and Jennifer Garner in a line-up. Let's say you then asked me to pick who should play Laverne in a movie version of Laverne & Shirley. Jennifer Garner would be my last choice. Don't get me started on Jessica Biel.

And Jamie Foxx writing the script?! Garry, if one of your life goals is to win more Razzies than anybody else, you are headed in the right direction.

At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!

I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!

And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.

Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.

Over at ONTD, they posted these pictures of Jennifer Garner with her 4-year-old daughter in Boston yesterday and some seem to think that Violet is too old for a binkie or a stroller. Now, I say, MILK IT, Violet! If Jennifer tries to pull you out, kick, scream and call 911! REFUSE to leave that stroller.

I wish I would've never left the stroller. Seriously, imagine spending your days being pushed around in a chair on wheels. That's the life. Walking is pointless. Walking is stupid. Walking is hard.

Most of us figured Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck would give their new kid a flower name since their first daughter is named Violet. So it's not really surprising that they used Rose as her middle name. But her first name is Seraphina! Jen's spokesbitch told People that they named their week-old daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. YES! Jen and Ben are still two boring pieces of boiled broccoli, but I've just added a little melted cheddar cheese on top of them for naming their daughter Seraphina!

Seraphina Rose sounds like the name an aging gothic stripper who works the "50 cent beer" shift at some truck stop club. I absolutely adore the name! Although, I once got food poisoning at a restaurant named Serafina.......

I just hope Jen and Ben don't call her Sera or I'll have to scrape the melted cheese off of them.

Jennifer Garner released a baby into this black-hearted world sometime this afternoon. Jen and Ben already have a toothy 3-year-old they call Violet.

Jennifer's spokesbitch told People, "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl." The bitch did not fess up a name.

I'm really hoping they name their girl something meaningful. I'm thinking JLo? Or maybe Fishsticks? Or maybe Band-Aid? Or SavaMarriage? And if they are going to keep with the flower tradition, they better pick a hot flower name like Baby's Breath, Goldenrod, Honeysuckle, Morning Glory or Petunia.

But knowing these two boring boiled rutabagas, they gave her a memaw name like Rose, Ethel, Bertha, Gertrude or Myrtle. Oh shit. I really hope they named her Ethel. Nobody names their baby Ethel anymore! Come to think of it, nothing is named Ethel anymore. The next time you bring a baby, dog, cat, plant, rodent, cockroach, fish, homeless person or hooker into your home, you have to name them Ethel. The name must be kept alive!

Some dude with crazy running through his veins has been stalking and harassing Jennifer Garner since 2002. It's gotten so bad that Jennifer is afraid for the safety of herself and her family. She already has a restraining order against him, but her lawyers will go into court tomorrow and ask a judge to make it permanent.

TMZ got a hold of some documents that state her stalker Steven Burky follows her around the country, sends her creepy love letters and writes about her on the Internet. He once showed up on her front door and said, "God has sent him a vision of her being persecuted in some manner that may result in her death."

Jennifer said in the papers, "I now fear not only for my personal safety, but also for the safety and well-being of those that I love and care about most, including my husband and daughter. Also, I am currently pregnant and fear for the safety of my second child once born."

The LAPD is involved in the case. Sources tell TMZ that Seven Burky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold.

Jennifer Garner is one of the few boring oatmeal people that I actually don't mind. It's weird. Whenever I watch her in interviews, I try to say something bitchy, but the words don't come out of my mouth! And when I see her smile, I smile and that just makes me want to go take an Epsom salt bath.

Because I do like Jennifer Garner, I will do her a favor and legally change my name to "Jennifer Garner." We can trick her stalker into thinking I'm the real Jennifer Garner, so he can leave her alone for good. He's crazy. He won't know the difference. He's also kind of hot. Well, he is! Although, he will have to change the tone of his love letters. I just read a few of them on TMZ and he's going to need to write less about "visions" and more about dirty sexy things.

Nicky Kidman, Jenny Garner and Tommy Girl are laughing all the way to the bank and they don't even deserve it. Forbes put out their annual list of the 10 Most Overpaid Movie Whores in Hollywood and these three topped the list.

Forbes came up with the top 10 by looking at the ho's last three major movies. They didn't count supporting roles, limited releases or movies where the ho got paid less than $5 million. They compared the whore's salary with the movie's profits (if there were any).

Not surprisingly, the box office poison queen, Nicky Kidman, was numero uno. I think she injects some of that poison into her forehead.

Here's Forbes top 10:

1 - Nicky Kidman - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $1 of gross income.
2. Jennifer Garner - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $3.60 of gross income.
3. Tommy Girl - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
4. Pizza Face Diaz - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
5. JLo - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.10 of gross income.
6. Jim Carrey - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.11 of gross income.
7. Nic Cage - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.16 of gross income.
8. Drew Barrymore - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.38 of gross income.
9. Will Ferrell - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.67 of gross income.
10. Cate Blanchett - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.97 of gross income.

They should have done a Most Deserving list instead. There would only be 3 bitches on that list: Marie (aka Snobby Salesperson #2) from Pretty Woman, Chuck Norris (he would end me with his cold stare if I left him out) and Otis from Milo & Otis.