Meth Faces

No, this isn't a picture of a zombie Ellen DeGeneres siphoning whatever youth is left from her latest victim. This is Nick Carter and his girlfriend Lauren Kitt awkwardly trying to make out with each other's cheeks at his 32nd birthday party at Vanity in Las Vegas last night. You're thinking what I'm thinking so let's just scream it together: THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT FACE??? (That question applies to both of them)

While Aaron Carter doesn't completely look like he just fell out of a Faces of Meth Magazine, Nick looks like he's been on the cover of Faces of Meth Magazine: AARP Edition. Should I call a priest who specializes in exorcisms? Should I call a damn doctor who specializes in leprosy of the face? Should I call somebody with hair clippers since I'm sure that 1970s Bieber pimp mop on Nick's head is sucking all the hot out of his face. Those extra wide pube chops he calls sideburns are making Nick look like a 65-year-old David Spade who time traveled back to the 1970s to work as a low level porn producer in Hungary. I just wanna stick an IV drip in his hair and then gently blow his eyelids down so he can get some sleep. Damn.

Somebody get the number to 911 and call it, because this shit is serious.

During the season premiere of Celebrity Rehab, Jeremy Jackson, Hobie from Baywatch turned meth head turned steroid needle fucker, had an insane conversation with resident technician Shelly that went like this:

Shelly: What about bottled water? Are you okay with bottled water?
Jeremy: I...um... You know, in a pinch.
Shelly: In a pinch? What do you mean? What's wrong with bottled water?
Jeremy: That plastic bleaches and causes cancer. And, uh, bisexuality it's been linked to directly
Shelly: Minerals in water....
Jeremy: Yeah.
Shelly: Causes bisexuality?
Jeremy: Yeah, it's been linked anyway.

Oh, Hobie, just because you did ass sex with a bottle of Poland Spring when you were high on meth that one time and it gave your peen the good leaks, doesn't mean you're half-gay. I SWEAR. This isn't a warning that guzzling bottled water will give you a hankering for peen and poon, but it is a warning that mixing meth with roids will feed the part of your brain that operates paranoia and dumbness. Hobie should also know that scientists have reason to believe that his third degree meth face causes asexuality. It's been linked anyway.

But just to be on the safe side, I'm going to send a case of bottled water to Prince Hot Ginge....

via Jezebel

A couple of days ago, Sweetas brought us the news that Aaron Carter opened his mouth on the face that meth built about his time with Michael Jackson, and what he said made the glass on Detective La Toya's monocle fog up and crack. Daphne Barak from OK! Magazine Australia alleged that Aaron told her the late Michael Jackson fed him wine and cocaine when he was 15. But wait, Aaron tells TMZ that he never claimed that MJ sedated his 15-year-old body with the bad shit and dropped a red wine waterfall down his froat.

"Nothing was said that was reported."

The Ghost of Justin Bieber's future pointed to a YouTube video of the interview where he doesn't mention anything about MJ feeding him coke. But Daphne stands by her story and still claims that Aaron told her "that Michael Jackson gave him alcohol and cocaine while he was 15. He also said that Michael invited him to sleep in his room, and when Aaron woke up at 5:00 AM, he found Michael on his bed."

This is absolutely ridiculous, offensive and is making me do the moonwalk towards Daphne's face so I can slap the wrong out of her! MJ never gave Aaron coke or wine. Why would MJ ever do such a thing? That's not only illegal, but it goes against ever fiber of MJ's moral being. How dare Daphne throw those hurtful accusations around! We all know that MJ only served Jesus Juice and the White Dust of Christ to minors. DUH!

You know shit is an extra kind of busted when the hottest piece in a picture is knee-length denim skirt, suede boots and a facial expression that says: "I am so not fucked up enough to deal with this mess in front of me." It's okay if Lindsay Lohan insists on looking like a 50-something worn out lot lizard circa 1981 who trades handjobs for Camel Cash and knows which gas station bathrooms in a 10-mile radius still have working locks on their doors, but why is she styling Steven Tyler 17-year-old Ali Lohan the same way? I know they're at Coachella, but it's really not right that Ali thinks she has the stuff to work a pair of Mexican abuelo moccasins. Not today. Not ever.

Furtherwhore, LiLo really needs to turn that camera around and get an up-close picture of the top of her head which looks like it was just the scene of a battle between peroxide, weave glue and meth lab sparks. I didn't know "meth part" actually existed until now. When LiLo goes to court on Friday to possibly plead GUILTY (she won't), the judge better throw the book at her. The book being "The Weavemaster's Bible," of course.

Aaron Carter checked into rehab early last month to deal with "emotional" (meaning he got emotional when a bitch tried to take away his pipe) and "spiritual" (meaning he'd get on his knees for a quick hit) issues and now he's back! Aaron completed a 30-day program at Betty Ford and his rep says that he's working on his new album in Florida. This means we'll finally get a soon-to-be #1 hit sequel to "Aaron's Party" called "Aaron's Dry Party."

Aaron's rep wouldn't tell E! Online what the bitch on his back is named (SPOILER ALERT: You can look her up in the yellow pages under METH), but they did say that he can't wait to get back to music.

The big story here is that Aaron Carter was getting treated at the same place as his sweetheart from a million years ago was! Sadly, Aaron and Lindsay Lohan weren't there at the same time. They could've recreated the magical moment above for a new generation. Strangely enough, these two still look like children who were just rescued by the coast guard after spending days surviving on salt water, seaweed, fish shit, saliva and wet gunpowder on a raft in the middle of the ocean.

D'arcy Wretzky, who was the bassist in Smashing Pumpkins, used to look like this and now she looks like that. No, this is not a picture of D'arcy from the Faces of Meth 2011 calendar. It's D'arcy's mug shot taken after she was arrested and jailed on an outstanding warrant in Michigan. D'arcy's troubles started when a few horses on her farm quit this bitch and ran free through the streets of her neighborhood. The cops ticketed her ass, but she never paid and didn't bother showing up to court. The warrant for her arrest was issued and here we are now.

TMZ reports that the cops brought D'arcy in on Tuesday and she'll have to sit in a cell until this Monday.

Never mind that D'arcy is resting her head on a jail pillow that's as thin as a manila folder for some wild horses shit while Lindsay Lohan is skipping the public streets without a care in the damn world. Never mind that.

Maybe D'arcy's horses mistook her lips for a pair of snakes and they got the spooks! And the cloud of white smoke wafting out of her shed and dancing into their nostrils didn't help. The most depressing thing about all of this is that D'arcy let her eyebrows go.....

No, this is not a promo picture for a bootleg version of Bodies...The Exhibition held at the Pensacola Interstate Fair. This is a picture 22-year-old Aaron Carter posted on his Twitter to show all of his followers that he's now as ripped as a bodybuilding toddler on Muscle Milk brand meth. THE FUCK... is right.

If Aaron has bulgy veins straight out of Ren & Stimpy on his body imagine the swole vein action on his peen?! Do they make vag guards, because any chick that rides on Aaron is going to need one if she doesn't want to suffer a damn snatch fracture. The same goes for your mouth, because the last thing you want to be telling people is that you cracked your toof while sucking on Aaron Carter's capillary cock. Dick vein so hard that it will give a bitch Jack-O-Lantern mouth.

That being said, call my dentist and tell him to set aside a new Chiclet for me, because I'd hit it. Well, you know I've got a thing for turkey jerky and meth abs.

Source: Tabloid Prodigy via ONTD

Central Park is no stranger to hosting junked out meth faces with bulging "wheresmynextfixwheresmynextfix" eyes, greasy hair and thirstay lips, so it warmly welcomed Boo Boo the Chihuahua into its field this afternoon.

According to Guinness Book of World Records, Boo Boo is the world's smallest dog! Boo Boo is 4 inches tall, 6.5 inches long and weighs 1.5 pounds. This isn't official, but I'm sure Boo Boo is also the world's smallest crackhead! I mean, why is she giving me a look like she'll follow me all the way home unless I give her a dollar or my watch. And I totally would. I bet Boo Boo smokes the tiniest crack rock on the tiniest doll spoon. That's kind of adorable, actually.

NO! Boo Boo is not the Pete Doherty of toy Chihuahuas. Boo Boo is just scared as hell. If a baby butterfly could take you in a street fight and a human fart could send you flying into the next dimension, you too would be frightened as all fuck. But Boo Boo really has no reason to be terrified, though. The wings on her gorgeous owner's hair will protect her now and for all time.

Here's more of the dog who is smaller than some dicks promoting the new Guinness Book of World Records 2011 in NYC today. The world's tallest dog (at 3 feet 5 inches) Giant George was also there! George is looking at Boo Boo like: "My nutsack is bigger than you."

Aaron Carter, who has a face that can make any meth pipe swoon, is engaged to be married for the second time in his twenty....um...twenty....err...twenty...hurg....twenty....spit...twenty....no, even I can't type that out with straight fingers. Just click here for his age.

Anyway, Aaron proposed recently to his 19-year-old student/dancer/sadomasochist girlfriend Maile Hochuli in the middle of watching Alice in Wonderland at the movie theater.

Some source tells Star Magazine, "Aaron took Maile to the movie Alice in Wonderland, which she has been dying to see. She didn't get to see the end of the movie though because Aaron got down on a knee and proposed with a beautiful pear shaped diamond ring! Maile was completely overjoyed and said yes immediately! Aaron and Maile have only been dating for a short period of time but they are both extremely happy. This is the happiest I have ever seen Maile."

I'm sure the other hos in the theater were thrilled when Aaron interrupted the movie. You know some pissed off bitch asked for the manager for a refund after they were forced to watch Aaron's face contort like a ready-to-explode hemorrhoid while crying in front of his girlfriend when she accepted his proposal. Not even processed butter can kill that taste in your mouth.

Aaron was last engaged to that tragic gutter creature Kari Ann Peniche, but it only lasted a quick second. Aaron's relationship to this Maile girl will last longer, I'm sure. She's young, so her heart can take it when she opens up her eyes to that face every morning.

Aaron Carter is really starting to look like a middle-aged recovering junkie who spends his lunch hour jacking off in his '93 Ford F-150 to unsuspecting ladies pumping gas at a BP station in Lakeland, FL. I pretty much swooned at that description. I'm fanning myself as we move on...

Aaron visited some gifting suite at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel in Tampa yesterday to get a massage from Raven-Symone (above) and also collect a bunch of free crap he's going to sell on eBay to make his car note this month.

Among the free shit Aaron took home was something called a WeVibe sex toy. I've never heard of that shit, but it's been around for years and the goddess of sex toys Sue Johanson named it the top fuck toy of 2008. Here's the demonstration video.

I'm not sure about this. The narrator sounds like she should be reading fairytales to children instead of talking about a fuck toy, so that killed the mood. Also, IN THIS ECONOMY couldn't you just re-purpose a pair of rubber salad tongs and use that instead?