Brandon Davis

According to InTouch Weekly, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are no longer licking each other's pussies. Miranda has apparently already picked herself up a rebound and his name is Greasy Bear aka Fat Elvis aka Brandon Davis. SUCIO! You would save money on lube by fucking Greasy Bear, but your dignity would never be the same. That's if you have dignity in the first place.

Miranda and Greasy Bear reportedly did fuckey fuckey times back in November but they both denied it. Recently, they were spotted "canoodling" at two clubs in NYC. Canoodling with Greasy Bear must be like taking a vaseline shower.

A witness said, "They were full on making out. They didn’t seem to care who saw." A source said that Miranda always goes to Greasy Bear when she has a fight with Orlando. Her spokesbitch denies she's split with Orlando.

I mean, how does one even start fucking Greasy Bear? Did she slip on his greasy puddle and accidentally land on his dick made of lard? I'm the whoriest whore whoever whored and I still wouldn't get with that. Ok.....I lie. I'd lick the tip, but just because I like the taste of Crisco.

Somebody needs to tell Greasy Bear that McDonald's is hiring. It would be a match made in greasy heaven! Greasy is reportedly broke as fuck and doesn't have a greasy den to call his own. Page Six reports that Greasy has been crashing on the couch of Scott Storch. Unfortunately, it looks like he's not welcomed back. One night after partying with Scott, Greasy crashed on his sofa. Scott woke up the next morning to find Greasy gone. His $100,000 watch was also missing.

A source said, "The next morning, when Scott got up, Brandon was already gone - and so was Scott's $100,000 diamond encrusted watch that had been in the same room the night before. Scott called Brandon and told him the watch was missing but, 'It's OK - I just got a new security system, so everything's on tape.'"

A source said that Greasy immediately started crying and promised Scott he would bring the watch back. Scott felt bad, so didn't call the police. When asked about the incident, Scott said, "I heard about this. Give peace a chance."

If you leave your douchey $100,000 watch unprotected near Greasy Bear, you deserve to have that shit snatched. Fuck, I would lock up my refrigerator and pantry if Greasy Bear stayed on my sofa. I would also have to cover the sofa with industrial strength plastic.

Greasy Bear was detained by airport officials in Sydney on Saturday, because he had too much money on him. Greasy reportedly had over $10,000 in cash. He was questioned for a couple of hours before being released. Airport officials were most likely perplexed as to how this hog got his hands on so much money. I thought he was broke. Paris Hilton probably gave him the money after he agreed to pick off all her crabs.

Greasy showed off a much slimmer bod in Australia. A steady diet of coke and cigs will do that to a body. He probably finally shit out all the grease build up in his body.

Image: Pacific Coast News

Fat Elvis tried desperately to hide a bloody eye as he left Opera in Hollywood with Paris Hilton last night. TMZ has video of FE trying to dodge the cameras, but click here to see a full-on shot.

He obviously really really needs to go out, because I would hide under the covers if my eye was looking like that.

Cum shot to the eye!