Keira Knightley

No, this is not a picture ripped from a J. Crew Weddings catalog. This is Keira Knightley posing like she's in the middle of a Teen Vogue photo shoot while leaving the town hall in Mazan, France after marrying James Righton of the Klaxons. KK put on a Chanel dress and a Chanel jacket to marry James in front of 11 friends and family before getting into a dusty Clio. For some reason, the top of KK's dress reminds me of that scene in Boys Don't Cry when Brandon Teena binds his chichis down.

The Daily Mail says that after KK and her dude got married they went to a Mexican-themed lunch reception hosted by her mom (pictures below). Later tonight, KK, Mr. KK and 50 guests including Sienna Miller and Kunty Karl will party at another reception at a chateau in Mazan.

The Daily Mail called this shit a low-key and simple wedding, and I guess compared to other celebrity weddings this is low-key and simple. But compared to all of the weddings I've been to, this is the opposite of simple. What in the hell is simple about flying everybody to France, wearing Chanel and drinking top shelf champagne with Kunty Karl under a tent on the grounds of some luxurious ass chateau?! Simple is getting married at the court house and having your reception in the barbecue area of the nearest park with catering provided by the El Pollo Loco drive-thru and cocktails provided by the booze aisle at Costco. My cousins know what I'm talking about.

I watched Keira Knightley's interview on Today this morning and not once did I think she was going to eat Christmas or that she should come with instructions warning you not to feed her after midnight. But in these pictures, KK looks like she will slither up your nostrils and chew on the edges of your soul before spitting it out into your head because she doesn't want to fuck up her praying mantis figure (and most souls are extra fatty). It just makes you want to stuff your nostrils with rosary beads so she can't get in.

KK once said that she hates getting her picture taken, because she believes photographs steal your soul. So maybe she figured she can scare away cameras if she contorts her face into terrifying nightmare fuel. It still didn't work.

Because coordinating outfits with your piece gets exhausting after a while, Keira Knightley and her boyfriend of 5 years Rupert Friend have stuffed the pieces of their relationship into a GLAD bag and thrown it on the back of a truck heading for the nearest dumpster. There were rumors that Keira and Rupert stopped creating impromptu Vogue editorials together months ago, but her father confirmed their split to The Sun today.

Daddy Knightley didn't say why 25-year-old Keira and 29-year-old Rupert are no longer bumping pelvic bones, but a friend says that all the paparazzi attention is to blame. The friend explained, "Rupert hates the idea of being followed and photographed. Keira partially had to accept it because of her rising profile. It affected the harmony in the relationship. The pressure took its toll and both decided they should go their separate ways. They will remain life-long friends."

PAP ATTENTION?! They were good at hiding their hate for the paps then, because almost every candid I've seen of them looks like a European Chico's ad. They gave FACE! POUT! FACE! SULLEN! FACE! for days. My guess is that the real reason they broke up is because they were sick of setting the smoke detectors off when they rubbed their cheekbones together while making out.

And I know Keira's name is spelled differently, but it always makes me think of David from The Real World: Seattle and his secret girlfriend Kira. Remember his amazing freak out in a damn pickup truck?

"Kiiiiiiira, Kiiiiiiiiiiiira, you're breaking my haaaaaaht!" Please tell me Rupert and Keira had the same kind of break-up fight in a pick-up truck on the streets of London? But I'm sure they looked devastatingly FIERCE while doing so.

Too bad there wasn't another sign behind her that read: "Take the stick out of your ass!"

Everyone's least favorite grouch puss shuffled along in London yesterday probably muttering to herself about how much her life sucks or complaining about how ugly the sidewalk looks. Keira Knightley will always find something to moan about. When one pap started taking her picture, she texted some bitch about how fucking miserable she was. Sad faces for KK. And the pap zoomed in on that text. HA. She called him a dickhead. BURN! That's funny because with that hood on, she's the one that looks like one big penis. A really depressed penis.

I'm surprised the text didn't read: "pappies stealing my souuuuuul."

What's the number to 911?! This is a crime against humanity. Keira Knightley's no-talent, scrawny ass is in talks to play Eliza Doolittle in a new film version of the musical "My Fair Lady." They should change the title to "My Fart Lady" and her character name to Eliza DooDoolittle.

Columbia and CBS Films will create a slightly updated remake of the movie, but will keep the musical's setting and original songs. Cameron Mackintosh is one of the film's producers.

Producers would not comment on the casting of KK, but said they were in talks with a major International star. Hopefully, they are talking about Brit Brit Spears. She's already proven that she has the voice of an angel and already has the British accent down. Blimey. Anybody but KK. Shit, Ed McMahon needs some money! He can play Eliza Doolittle.

We do not need this movie. This is the last thing we need! What we do need is some new skanks in Hollyweird that can come up with original ideas and stop butchering our beloved classics.

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You know, Keira Knightley singing in her new movie "The Edge of Love" isn't excruciatingly painful as I thought it would be. She definitely blows better than acts, but that isn't saying much. Maybe she sounds like a drowning cat, but I'm too distracted by her gleaming jumbo Chiclets to notice.

And apparently KK really did she sing. She recently said in an interview, "I did some lessons with a voice coach because I can’t sing. It was live. There were 100 extras and the director John Maybury was like, ‘Now you’re going to sing. I’ve never been so frightened in my entire life. I never want to do it again. I don’t want to be a rock star." The feeling is mutual.

VIA Huffington Post

Thanks Matthew

Add Keira Knightley to the growing list of bitches who just don't know their place. KK has announced that she will sing several songs for her new movie "The Edge of Love." KK said the soundtrack album will feature her singing 'Blue Tahitian Moon', 'Maybe It's Because I Love You Too Much' and 'Drifting And Dreaming'. Hand me my ear and nose plugs. I need the nose plugs just in case her stank singing has a scent which I'm sure it does.

KK said, "I can't really sing. I had to have a few lessons, but once I started doing it, a sound emerged that wasn't too disagreeable."

Riddle me this. If you really can't sing, shouldn't you not sing in public for money?! I know it's a stupid question, because if that was the case our radio stations would be empty of music.

Disagreeable sounds coming out of you are usually called farts and burps not singing. KK should name her album "Fart Sounds." Furthermore, bitch can't act! KK, let's conquer one talent before trying another.

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Keira Knightley hates working out and says she gets exercise her own way. KK's mouth poopie keeps going on. She said, "I really like the idea of yoga but I can't do it. It just pisses me off. If anybody tells me to relax then I just tend to tense up. That's why I'm not a yoga girl at all unfortunately. And gym work is just so boring and repetitive. I'm not a gym person at all. The most exercise I get when I'm not working is when I turn up the radio."

Not a yoga person, not a gym person....perhaps she should try manure shoveling. She's definitely a shit person and that's perfect exercise. KK needs to take Jessica Alba for a little three-hour tour and hopefully they will get stranded on some deserted island. That way they can just sit there and complain to each other all day and all night.

Here's KK at the Bafta Awards. Bitch won't shut her fucking mouth. It's open in every picture. It's probably hungry and trying to tell her something.

Wenn

When are editors of magazines going to realize that Keira Knightley fugs up covers! It's a proven fact. Yes, she's wearing a hideous denim bra, but somebody else could've pulled that off. KK looks she is on her last leg. Give the bitch some water. She looks thirsty. Thirsty I tell you. I also think they photoshopped her to look even more hollow. I didn't think that was possible.

Above is KK on W Magazine and below is KK with James McAvoy on W for the subscribers.

Source: Fashion Spot