CoCo

As the coast guard put up ELEGANCE AHEAD warning signs all over the beach in Miami on Saturday afternoon, our patron saint of camel toes, CoCo, made the ocean ejaculate foam by butt fucking the waves (or maybe she's giving herself the sexiest salt water enema ever?) in front of the paparazzi's cameras. You don't see it in these pictures, but a boat full of scientists arrived on the scene, caught CoCo and then tagged her, because sheer sophistication like this must be tracked at all times. It's as if a Chinese farmer dug her up from the ground.

Al Gore needs to blow CoCo a thank you air kiss, because she just cured erosion by queerting (aka a fart queef) into the sand. CoCo will save the planet one pussy fart at a time.

If the first lady of elegance, CoCo, really wanted to fuck some shock and awe into our brains, she would've dressed up as a fully-clothed Amish virgin for Halloween, but then Slutoween would've officially been canceled and every ho's inner slut would have to stay inside. Because the one-night sluts of Slutoween can't officially stuff their crotches into a Frederick's of Hollywood costume until they hear the period blood-curdling cry from CoCo's camel toe as it gets stranged with fishnets and a wad of Spandex.

The cry was heard at CoCo's Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night when she strut along the red carpet with thighs that looked like precooked Christmas hams busting out of their nets, and her suction cup nipples holding up a metal titty plate. You can say that CoCo went as a slutty hell minion with RiRi head and you'd be correct. You'd also be correct if you said that CoCo went as CoCo going to the grocery store.

And since we're on the subject of Slutoween, I also threw in some pictures of superstar urinal Kim Kardashian making genitals itch and pores push out milky green pus at her Halloween party in NYC. At least she could blame it on her costume this time.

Once your knees get off of the floor from bowing since your lessons at Gloria Starr finishing school taught you to kneel before royal objects of elegance, bask again in the beauty CoCo graced Miami Beach with this afternoon. This is what a Christmas ham dinner on the angels' dinner table looks like in heaven. I bet she farts out pineapple rings.

Those of you in the Miami area might've wondered why it didn't feel as humid as usual (just nod, lie to me, just nod), it's because CoCo's delicate derriere hole can suck the moisture out of a rock hard rock. And CoCo's nalgitas a'plenty is the opposite of a rock hard rock, it's like two moons wrapped in cashmere skin. Don't you just want to throw a picnic blanket under it and feed your piece of the moment chocolate covered grapes and sips of cherry wine before tickling them in the nose with a red carnation? I was going to write "a red rose" instead of a "red carnation," but then I saw that CoCo has roses on the thong that's giving her butt a pap smear, and I didn't want a Dirty Sanchez to dirty up that image.

While surrounded by pimps, hos, 10 pesos weaves, unmaintained eyebrow situations, swap meet contact lenses, sourdough loaf titties, natural beauties and crystal clear nutsacks, Ice-T and CoCo celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary by renewing their vows for their new E! reality show. That know-it-all bitch Wikipedia claims Ice-T and CoCo got married December of 2005, but these two live in an ethereal queef bubble where facts do no matter, so I will raise a camel toe cup filled with pink Andre and toast to their 10 years of marriage!

This display of sheer elegance makes Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding look like a quince held in a Burger King party room. This is the real royal wedding (as seen through the eyes of a Roma Gypsy).

At the reception, I'm sure CoCo's camel toe clapped the melody to Tony! Toni! Tone's! "Anniversary" while guests placed their champagne flutes on her shelf titties to dance with her. And those lucky guests were: Snoop, Don "Magic" Juan with his stoop sale trollops, Ice-T's son Little Ice, Tila Tequila and CoCo's mom Tina.

Let's not pretend that CoCo didn't open that can with her camel toe and later crush it into a recycling bin with her jaws of life ass. Is there anything CoCo can't do (don't you dare add another "do" to that "do)? This might be the first time when saying "This beer tastes like ass!" is a good thing. The Queen is totally going to invite CoCo over to Buckingham Palace for Beer Bong Sundays when she sees this picture. Kate Middleton, who?

Source: Twitter via WOW Report

The Flirt Catalog can shut down, Frederick's of Hollywood can announce their going out of business sale and Alexis Couture can retire early, because the grande dame of sophistication is here to style any woman who wants to look like she's going to, coming from or in the middle of pulling a trick.

CoCo has launched her new collection of fine coochture called Licious (of course it's called Licious) and told the NYDN who she's designing clothes for.

"For the everyday woman with curves. [The clothes] have that extra stretch within their step for those that need an extra lift for her gift. My clothes are meant to make a statement. I'm not dull in any way and all the bright colors and styles show that.

This is for the woman who wants to show off a little more. I always had a problem getting my clothes to fit right, I was always getting them tailored so I know what women go through."

Camel toe attachment sold separately!

CoCo knows, and so with the help of a Costco-sized jar of Crisco, a dozen sweat shop seamstresses and thread made from Kryptonite, she got into a dress that gave Roger Rabbit a double boner in the ears. CoCo's gown was full-length when she arrived at her New Year's Eve party with Ice-T in NYC last night, but she always underestimates the extreme power of her hongray hongray camel toe and didn't think it would bite at her dress and rip that shit in half. CoCo is still the epitome of elegance and grace, and her beauty never fails to gently cradle my hangover and rock it softly.

There really are no words to describe CoCo's delicate and elegant NSFW-ish Christmas card to the world, so I'll just let you see for yourself. JUMP!

Even CoCo's colon exams are a thing of artistic beauty. No, this is an exquisitely graceful picture from a photo shoot for French Vogue (or Cutie Culitos Monthly, I get them confused) that the modern day Athena posted on her Twatter page yesterday. Thanks to this picture, you will be having a honey glazed split chicken and a side of jumbo sardines for dinner tonight!

CoCo's muscles don't deserve all the credit for this pose. You can't tell from this angle, but her all-powerful camel toe is flapping like a trapped butterfly to keep her afloat! CoCo's labiacopter gets some credit too.

via Jezebel

Forget about that whole "Heidi Klum IS Halloween" thing I prematurely ejaculated earlier. I did that before laying eyes on these pictures of the delicate and demure pearl of loveliness CoCo as the head nurse. Don't act like you don't know where she keeps her thermometer.

CoCo continues to shock me with her hidden talents. You would think that if she exhaled too quickly, everybody in a 1-mile radius would get a quick titty slap to the face but she kept it together. Bitch must have suction cup nipples, which would explain why her right chichi's got a puckery dimple. Whatever, even with that dented tit, CoCo was still the reigning queen of Swallowpeen last night.

Here's a few more servings of CoCo and Ice-T (as Dr. Frankenstein) at Heidi Klum's Halloween party last night, which also brought out the likes of Christian Siriano and his boyfriend Brad Walsh as Babette and Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast, Kim Kardassian as Little Dick Riding Ho, Lorenzo Martone as Jesus, Napster's Sean Parker as Justin Timberlake (get it?) with his girlfriend as Brit Brit, Kyle MacLachlan as the butler from Clue (I think) and Ashanti as a slutty pussy.