CoCo

At last night's after-party for Good Hair in NYC, CoCo and fellow rapper fucker Amber Rose popped their triple-platinum asses out in unison making everyone's nalgas in the room immediately deflate. There's really only so much ass one room can take!

I'm not really sure what's going on in these pictures. I think we might be witnessing CoCo bust an orgasm while rubbing up against Rosebot. CoCo's camel toe o'plenty probably hit the ground and jumped back up into her crotch area. I need a cigarette.

It's like Jon Gosselin simultaneously barfed, snotted, vommed and jizzed all over the always-elegant CoCo! ILLEGAL! How did CoCo let this happen? CoCo needs to listen to her body. Those tears on the side are not part of the dress. CoCo's booty of destruction is slowly trying to expel itself of the douchiness covering it. CoCo's ass is making the Hulk and is trying to rip that Ed Hardy shit off!

By the end of the night, CoCo was probably wondering why there was a yeasty puddle beneath her. It was from her camel toe weep weep weeeeeeeeeping. Don't do your body like that anymore, CoCo. Just say NO to Ed Hardy.

CoCo uploaded these stunning pictures to her Twatter of her at some event in Maryland this past weekend. CoCo most likely wore this sophisticated ensemble to high tea or a ladies luncheon with the First Lady. I mean, where else would you wear a crotch-smothering, titty choking, denim bell bottom catsuit that lets everyone know you aren't wearing panties?

I think our world leaders need to get together and vote to make this the official uniform for Planet Earth.

Jennifer Aniston needs to crack open a box of Snack Wells, get out her Cathy notepad and pay attention because the First Lady of Camel Toe is giving tips on how to keep a man. If for some strange crazy reason (MIND BOGGLING), these tips don't work and your man leaves you, at least you will be fully trained as a Grade A SERVANT! You'll see what I'm talking about. Here's some of what Ice-T's main bitch wrote on Global Grind:

How do I keep a man? Well, I can only speak from experience because I'm not a doctor, just a woman that knows what she wants. To lay out my history with Ice, we have been married for 8 years and still going strong. We met in California on a movie set and have been inseparable ever since. Now we live in NY and at the moment we don't have any kids together. Everybody says relationships get boring, but it doesn't have to be that way, its entirely up to the both of you.

Ice and I work all day together on the set of his show "Law and Order", because I have an office there. But as soon as we get home, I'll change into a skimpy outfit like booty shorts and heels because it changes the mood from being business oriented. LADIES & GENTLEMEN...the most IMPORTANT advice I can give is to make sure you listen to one another!!!!! TALK A LOT!! I think the reason that Ice and I have made it in the celebrity world for so long is because we constantly communicate. Remember, relationships will always have those bad moments and it won't be rosy all the time. You have to be strong for one another and don't chicken out when you come to a bump in the road.

It may seem a little old fashioned but here are some pointers that you can do to cater to your man:

Make him a cold drink
Cook him his favorite food
Give him a body rub
Dress in his favorite outfit or item
Draw him a bath
Watch all his favorite shows for a night
Play video games with him
And finally, kiss or lick his feet. Hehe- LOL. - very optional

When the always sophisticated CoCo speaks, my ears pucker, but reading that list gave me the tireds! When will we have the time to max out his credit cards, bounce on the peen and watch hours of daytime TV while making out with See's chocolates (the chews only)?

I mean, CoCo expects hos to nibble on toe sauce while shooting worms on Gears of War 2 and shaking a gin martini?

AND what's with the "draw him a bath" fuckery? Who does that? If you're a character in a period piece, puts your hand down, because you don't count!

When you strut down the ho stroll in your sexiest spandex biker shorts, do the other whores yell at you, "Bitch, your pussy is hongray"? Does this make you feel sad in the pants, because you don't want everyone to see your damn uterus from the outside? Well, then the Cuchini is just the product to fix your COCHINA ass.

That shit will set you back $15 for two pads. Once you have your Cuchini pads, just place it over your hungry-hungry-hippo-cooze and voila! No camel toe. You will go from looking like a biological female with organic vagina lips to looking like you've got an 8" dick tucked into your ass crack. Fatty crotch to tranny crotch in a matter of seconds!

The website is like the land of fuckery! It has a video featuring a song that will be the first dance at my wedding. It also has a celebrity c-toe gallery. Strangely enough, the celebrity gallery doesn't star the CAMEL TOE QUEEN herself....CoCo! That's because even the Cuchini knows it is no match for the camel toe of all camel toes! I'd like to see the Cuchini try to cover up CoCo's mammoth vag flappers of wonder. It's not going to happen! If you placed one of those weak ass Cuchini pads on her snatch, it would eat it up in two bites, burp and then scream, "NEXT!"

I mean, behold CoCo's camel toe. It is not the one.

The girl crush of many, Mariska Hargitay, is laid up in the hospital for the second time this year due to a fucked up lung. Back in January, Mariska spent some time on the surgery table when her lung partially collapsed. It was rumored that was in some kind of ski accident. Mariska went back to work on Law & Order: SVU a short time later.

According to People, Mariska was put back in the hospital last night after suffering chest pains. Her spokeswhore hasn't said shit and it's unknown why her lungs are being like that.

Mariska needs to take some time out, lay down and watch some stories. Law & Order will always be there, waiting for her. You know, I have an idea! DING! Since Ice-T's #1 prostitute, CoCo, did so well on SVU the last time she was on, she should temporarily fill-in for Mariska! She can play the same character and everything. Not many will know the difference! CoCo is a true chameleon! That will give Mariska time to get better.

That top isn't supposed to be worn like that, right? Those straps were not built for that kind of pressure. It's like two elephants sitting on a playground swing. That shit is about to SNAP! And if it did, CoCo's big fucking ass bitties would come tumbling out and explode! A typhoon of titty water and silicone would drown everyone in its path. That's why if you're ever going to be in CoCo's presence, you better bring some damn scuba gear. You know, just in case. But I guess if you gotta go, drowning in CoCo's silicone juice is the way to do it.

That being said, I'd risk my life to motoboat CoCo's plasti-chichis.

Here's the elegant goddess and her pimp at Eli Mizrahi's fashion week party in NYC last night.

I've come to terms with CoCo's transformation as the classiest hooker on the stroll. If that's what she wants to look like now, I will get behind her 100%. Well, not behind her literally, because I think her titanic ass would swallow me whole. Speaking of swallowing, at Diddy's birthday party at Mansion in NYC, the Shauna Sand of the East looked like a sexy python trying to digest a family of mongooses.

The man who is solely responsible for putting Obama in the White House, celebrated his birthday last night. Guests included the most elegant creature in NYC, her pimp, Ben Stiller, Cedric the Entertainer and Mary. J Blige. I guess our Evite got lost in the interwebs. Besides, I would only go to that shit if the invitation said, "brownies will be served."

A few days before Whoreoween, CoCo said and I quote: "It's my day! I get to get naked! Finally!!!"

She said NAKED! Is this naked to you?! Okay, it might be nekkid for you, but this is straight-up modest for CoCo! She wears this shit to the supermarket! Her fault line ass crack is not visible and you can't see her nipples. This is downright Amish. She looks like a church going pussy who spends her nights knitting, sipping chamomile tea and playing gospel songs on her harp.

CoCo totally forgot the "pussy" in pussycat. Oh well. I'll still play pattycake with her pancake ass cheeks, but I was hoping for a little more elegance from CoCo. She's turning into a nun!

Here's Sister Pussycat Coco with her pimp as The Punisher at Plumm in NYC on Friday night.

The past few times I've seen pictures of CoCo out with her pimp, she's been dressed so.....non-classy. I mean, she's been covering herself up and not showing off her best features. Well, CoCo woke up from her conservative coma and has decided to bring out her true beauty on Halloween.

CoCo spoke to New York Magazine the other night while working one of her corners and told them her plans for Halloween. She wouldn't say exactly what she was going to be, but said, "It's my day! I get to get naked! Finally!!!" Yes, FINALLY!!!! It's been ages since I've seen her jumbo ham hocks in all their glory!

So...if CoCo's going to be walking around naked, then I guess she's dressing up as herself? Or maybe a glazed Christmas HAM with a slice of pineapple and a cherry on top. Wait, maybe she's going to be that lipstick wearin' pig everyone's been talking about? I'm joking! Whatever she's dressing as, I'm sure she's going to look like the epitome of elegance as always.

Ice-T added, "You know, a lot of people comment, but some chicks like to be wild. You come home and they're standing on the couch and they want to jump at you and tackle you. Coco's one of them girls."

Standing on the couch waiting to unleash their hungry hole on you?! Yeah, Tommy Girl is one of those girls too.