CoCo

Gather the whole family around and enjoy this inspirational tale of an virginal princess who escapes her possessive and evil father.

Our story starts out with the princess saying goodbye to the palace she grew to love. She packs all her possessions into 4 gigantic sacks and begins her journey across an endless ocean. Once the princess reaches dry land, she must run for her life carrying her two enormous sacks behind her. Just when the princess thinks she's safe, her evil father catches up to her and traps her in a net near a magical waterfall. In the end, the princess begs and pleads with her father to set her free so that she can learn about her true self. Her touching and powerful words move the evil father to release his precious oyster into the world.

Okay, enough with my fuckery. It's just a NSFW video of CoCo being hot and elegant.

Thanks Kevin

We need to send out a search party for CoCo's sense of style, because it's obviously missing. Look at this ordinary and classy shit she wore last night! Is she joking with this demure mess? The dress looks like it costs more than $50. This is not like her. Where's the elegant and glamorous CoCo I have come to know and adore? This crap belongs on some humdum plain Jane, not on a unique beauty like CoCo. I don't understand. She's not even showing off her best feature: her camel toe of dreams! Whenever I see her camel toe, I feel a calmness fall over me. CoCo's camel toe lets me know that everything is okay in this world. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Hopefully, CoCo realizes what she has done and immediately throws that trash dress into the garbage or donates it to a nun or something. I do still have feelings for her. Maybe she wanted to be something she's not for the "Nights in Rodanthe" premiere. Oh, Coco. Less class, more ass.

Speaking of "Nights in Rodanthe," why do I really want to see this sappy nonsense? The other day I watched the trailer and I immediately wanted to get wrapped up in Diane Lane and Richard Gere's doomed romance. When Diane says, "You came along and helped me find those parts of myself I thought I lost forever," I felt it in my very soul! WTF is wrong with me?! Read this fucking description: "Now, with the storm closing in, the two turn to each other for comfort and, in one magical weekend, set in motion a life-changing romance that will resonate throughout the rest of their lives." I'm going through the change, right?

I really should've titled this shit "Pretty Fucking Classy in Pink." It's the ravishing CoCo with her pimp at the opening of Wasted Space at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Don't even make the joke that CoCo is the one who is wasted space. Slap a baby bunny rabbit before you do such a thing! She is perfection.

I don't think that's ruching on the back of her dress. CoCo's ass is like a magnet and it's trying to eat that dress. That's probably why she never wears panties. Her ass always ends up eating them. She's like a Maytag dryer.

Ice-T looks like he's all dressed up for The Annual Pimp N' Ho Ball. He's just missing a hat with a pink feather in it and a cane. Pimpto Bismal! And this is seriously the classiest I've ever seen CoCo look. I don't like it.

Luckily, she was back to looking like her elegant self at Ice-T's poolside performance. Remember how I said her ass is a major muncher? The same goes for her chocha. By the end of the day, half of her capris were probably eaten by her coochie. That belt is gone forever. Hungry hungry vagina! She has to feed it a steak dinner every night just to keep it from devouring everything in sight. Damn, she's gorgeous.

CoCo does not need to be fraternizing with the pornbear known as Ron Jeremy! She must maintain her image as a sophisticated, all-natural, innocent and elegant beauty. No wonder her chichis look like they were involved in a 6-man pile-up. The sin stank from Ron Jeremy is damaging her precious tittays.

You know what's even worse than Ron Jeremy? The CROCS on his feet. CROCS! A porn bear in CROCS. I've seen it all. I'm surprised CoCo's expensive bootleg Louboutins aren't melting from being so close to Ron's silicone asshole shoes.

Last night was the premiere of "Celebrity Family Fued" featuring the Ice-T family against the Joan Rivers family. It looked like Dr. 90210's office exploded all over the stage. Tupperware faces and Ziploc bag chichis. I shouldn't say that. The always sophisticated CoCo's natural-looking tittays are made out of liquid diamonds.

Anyway, this shit did not have enough of CoCo's elegance in it! Fuck all those other people. The whole hour should've been devoted to Coco bouncing up and down, giggling and screaming, "shaaaake your booooteeeeee" over and over again. I watched that part like a million times and now I think I'm pregnant with her child. We're going to name it MarshMallow.

Unfortunately, the genius of CoCo was no match for the Rivers family. But Ice-T did manage to get bleeped when asked, "What is slippery and hard to hold on to?" The correct answer is CoCo's dignity. I'm joking. She's made out of dignity....and liquid diamonds.

Above is CoCo and her booooteeeeee and below is Ice-T getting bleeped.

The stunning and demure CoCo has graced us with her presence after a long absence. She has once again achieved mind-boggling levels of elegance. Her true beauty is astonishing!

She totally looks like Marilyn Monroe in that dress. She should have recreated the famous "dress blowing" scene from "The Seven Year Itch." The Seven Year Snatch is more like it. Actually, the scene wouldn't work with CoCo in it. Her chocha would suck up all the air, so her dress wouldn't move an inch.

Here's CoCo with her pimp, Lunell and stepson at the Hollywood Black Film Festival last night. Damn, I want to have her babies.

The Sun's Heyman Hustle asked America's favorite couple, Ice-T and CoCo, what their secret to a happy marriage is?

CoCo answered, “It’s the Stroke baby. We have a certain Stroke he does and he surprises every now and then with a different Stroke.” Watcha talkin' 'bout CoCo?!

Ice-T added, “Sex is 90 per cent mental. It happens in the brain, so she thinks my Stroke is special – but it’s the way I’ve got her head believing it’s something special. And that’s what adds to the Stroke. You can come in and hit it on a swing, but it ain't gonna be the Stroke!"

Stop with this fucking stroke shit! Please! It's got me thinking illegal thoughts of Gary Coleman and Edna Garrett. I mean what the hell are they talking about? Wait, I know.... CoCo is into the way he strokes those dollar bills as he hands them to her for a night well done. That's the secret to a happy marriage! It makes sense now.

Visit The Sun to see video of CoCo talking about the "stroke."

I don't if that says fatt, fatty or something else? Whatever it is, the extra "t" is for her extra ass, because CoCo looks like she has two.

Coco's fatty ass came out to celebrate her 29th Birthday at Plumm in NYC last night. She held a joint party with her pimp, Ice-T, whose Birthday was last month. He turned 50!

Yes, you read right. She claims it's her 29th. I'm going to take a wild guess and say the 29th Birthday was for her ass and tits.

Kid Rock and Treach also arrived to toast the most elegant and sophisticated couple in the world.

CoCo signed autographs last night at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone in NYC last night and I wasn't there. I am so mad I could pull the tampon out of my ass. I would give anything to be face to franken titty with the lovely and elegant CoCo. She needs someone like me to tell her that those magnificent chichis of hers are looking ill. Seriously, stick a thermometer in those things. I think those wonk tits have the flu. Her right one is melting. Girl, have your pimp daddy take you to the free clinic in Jersey to get that shit worked out.

She is still one of the most stunning women in the world. Coco, the face (and body) that launched a thousand ships. Wait, more like "launched a thousand shits." Well, her beauty is so intense that it gives you the runs!

CoCo is looking soooooo demure.... Trust me, this is demure for CoCo. This is probably the standard call girl uniform in Las Vegas, but or Coco this is straight-up nun ware. She really is an elegant lady. She couldn't resist showing her ass though. I think it's ass reflex. The flash goes off and her ass automatically poses for the picture.

Here she is with her pimp at the Children Uniting Nations Oscar party. Children uniting with the help of CoCo's ass!